You were called to the school to talk to the teacher.
After such news, you feel at least uncomfortable.
And if you are an emotional person, it is easy to get into a state of stress: blood pressure increases, pulse speeds up, breathing slows down, and a viscous anxious lump settles in your chest.
How to behave in a conversation with a teacher and solve a child's problem - the article will tell.
STEP 1. MENTAL BALANCE
First you need to calm down. In classical psychology, for this it is recommended to breathe deeply and measuredly, counting to 10. Drink a glass of water.
You can also calm yourself down by the fact that most likely the reason for the proposed conversation was not the indignation of the teacher, but bewilderment.
Elena, 37 years old, daughters 14 years old: “They called me to school once - I have a shock. The daughter is an excellent student, winner of the Olympiads. What's wrong? What's happened? Worried for nothing. They called me because my daughter got 6 straight A's in a semester in basic subjects. Together with the teacher, they found the reason: the daughter fell in love with a boy from her class. No wonder she was worried in class."
Try not to beat yourself up. Some mothers and fathers, having roused themselves on the way to school, fly in to the teacher as already enraged furies or berserkers. It seems to them that in this state it is easier to resist the teacher. Excuse me, but are you going to war?
STEP 2. RIGHT SETUP
Calm, just calm. If you are ready to tear and throw, to condemn the teacher or your child, then your Inner Child speaks in you.
Yakovistenko Anastasia Dmitrievna, PhD in Psychology n., head. laboratory of psychology of communication and development of speech, CRO, g.o. Samara:
“According to the theory of transactional analysis by Eric Berne, in each of us there are three main states: child, adult, Parent. If we consider them in the situation of a conversation with a teacher, then they can manifest themselves as follows:
"Child" is an impulsive beginning in a person. In this state, a person is either overly obedient or rude and aggressive.
In the state of "Parent" a person evaluates, forbids, looks for the guilty. He speaks with phrases such as "You must", "You must do this", "Stop this immediately."
And only in the “Adult” state does a person reason soberly, logically analyze his own and other people’s actions, openly ask questions, share responsibility between himself and others.
Conflicts usually occur because the interlocutors at the time of communication are in different states. Productive can only be a conversation in the format " Adult - Adult". When a parent and a teacher try to be adequate and act as equals, the dialogue becomes constructive.”
STEP 3. CONSTRUCTIVE DIALOGUE.
Emotions away. Feelings should not interfere with thinking, because you are carrying out a diplomatic mission. And if the case is serious, then you play the role of a lawyer for your child. Therefore, without aggression, we politely find out what prevents the student from learning.
If the teacher himself is overwhelmed with emotions and behaves incorrectly, it is important to restrain his anger and not rush into a counterattack. Keep the purpose of communication in mind at all times. You should help the child, not argue with the teacher.
The purpose of your conversation is to formulate the problem and determine what parents, the school, and the child themselves can do to solve it.
Try to find out all the details, ask questions. Then you can specify the problem and it will sound, for example, not “never listens to the teacher”, but “it is difficult for him to concentrate on the geometry lesson, because he suffers from abstract thinking.
Don't be afraid of the teacher. With the right approach, he is an ally. Teachers are willing and able to fight for the student, but they need the support of the parent.
Education is a continuous process of interaction between children and parents, pupils and teachers, so you must work as a team. And above all, you are personally responsible for the progress and behavior of the child.
Be sure to find out what strengths your child has, what he is successful in. Focusing on strengths helps both him and you. There is nothing worse for children's development than the loss of faith in their own success.
And one more thing: do not address the principal or the Department of Education "over the teacher's head." This is permissible only in one case: if it was not possible to agree with the teacher in a personal conversation, if, with your efforts, to conduct a constructive dialogue, the position of the teacher turned out to be inflexible.
STEP 4. SOLVING THE PROBLEM
Now that you've identified and specified the problem, it's important to take the right steps to solve it.
In a conversation with a child, exactly the same principle applies: we speak without reproaches, without strong emotions, on an equal footing. Make contact with him. To do this, you need to let him throw out his feelings, sympathize with them, and then ask him to dwell on the nuances of the conflict.
After that, discuss together the options for a solution and make a step-by-step plan for a specific solution.
If we are talking about poor progress, do not worry yourself and do not worry the child. A deuce is better, but adequate, so that the child understands why it happened and what needs to be done to fix it. It is much easier for such a child later in college, lyceum, university, at work. Virtual fives will not lead to anything good in the long run.
And the last. Conflicts happen. It is an integral part of life, a point of growth. Yours and your child. If you yourself are able to negotiate, hear others, demonstrate high emotional intelligence, the child receives an amazing life lesson, which is much more important than all school lessons combined.
With this letter, we would like to start a series of letters dedicated to the secrets of the school system and what can await you at school, regardless of what grade your child is in.
Today we will talk about the fear that parents experience in front of teachers.
Very often, when communicating with a teacher, parents have a children's fear of a teacher.
It seems that the teacher is higher in the hierarchical ladder
And in most cases, instead of protecting their child, parents simply listen to the teacher and agree that their child is misbehaving.
And then they leave with a sense of shame for their own indecision.
In fact, the same thing happens when a person communicates with an experienced manipulator
And teachers are usually very experienced manipulators, because only manipulation can control a large audience of children.
What to do and how to negotiate with the teacher?
To do this, you need to use the technology of turning off emotions.
After all, it is emotions that allow you to manipulate a person.
To do this, you need to write down all the questions that you want to discuss with the teacher before the meeting.
And come with this list to the conversation.
Get it and follow it, even when they want to transfer you to another topic.
You must manage the conversation with the teacher!
And for every controversial issue, for example, "the child does not study well," you should also make a paper list of problems.
Let's take an example
The teacher tells you that the child is learning poorly.
What should be done in this case?
You take a piece of paper and say to the teacher, “Okay, my child is not doing well. Let's now fix the problems that the child has. Please tell me in which subjects the child has problems (if the teacher teaches several subjects).”
Recording items
“Thank you, let's go through each subject. Tell me exactly what topics are not given to my child in mathematics”
We write down topics.
“Tell me, are these all the problems my child has in this subject?
Great."
Write down the answer
“Do I understand correctly that if we do this and solve this problem, my child will no longer be considered an underachiever?”
So build a conversation on each subject
At the end, you can offer to make a copy of the sheet, put signatures on it and give the teacher a copy. (It is considered perfectly normal to keep a kind of protocol of conversation between parents and teachers. This can help avoid problems in the future)
And most importantly, after such work, for some reason, bad grades and the fear of communicating with the teacher disappear ...
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At this meeting, we will analyze what 5 effective tools are used in intelligence schools and how to apply them to teach your children at school.
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Come to an online meeting and learn technologies that will give your child a serious advantage over classmates, and you peace of mind and save time
In the new academic year, not only students, but also parents will meet with teachers. The reason for such communication can be different - from the usual parent-teacher meeting to the call to the school by the class teacher. All mothers and fathers love their children, so they often take their side, negatively perceiving the teacher in advance. Often this leads to a new round of problems.
How to build a relationship with a teacher so that everyone is satisfied with each other - parents, teachers, and students?
Situation one. Parent meeting
How to behave?
The parent meeting is a group meeting. The teacher should bring to the discussion the problems of the class, organizational issues, familiarize the parents with the new orders and regulations. You should not expect tete-a-tete conversations with the teacher from the parent meeting. The main task of the parent is to listen carefully: write down important things, mark for yourself topics that need to be discussed with the child. If the teacher wants to communicate with one of the parents separately, he will say so himself. It is not necessary to impose on talking about your child during a collective discussion of class problems, and even more so it is not necessary to ask everyone if this or that student is successful. Can you imagine what a ridiculous situation you will get into if you are unsuccessful? Yes, even if successful, it is unlikely that it will be interesting to listen to other parents.
As a last resort, you can ask when the teacher is ready to receive you in order to discuss the questions you have accumulated. But never forget that collective problems are no less important than personal ones, because your child is part of the team and his performance largely depends on what surrounds him at school.
Situation two. The teacher called the parents to school because he was unhappy with the child
How to behave?
First, don't neglect the meeting. No matter how busy you are, you need to find time to communicate with the teacher, because one unresolved problem can develop into a serious conflict. Secondly, the dialogue with the teacher should start on a positive note. For example, something like this: “Thank you for taking the time to meet with me and discuss my child's concerns. I hope we find the right solution." A conversation between two adults should take place on an equal footing. Do not try to "press" if you are older than the teacher. The reverse situation will not be beneficial either - when the teacher is older and the parent bows to his authority, and agrees with all the teacher's conclusions, not heeding the arguments of reason.
If during the conversation it turns out that the teacher was right and his claims against the child are justified, it is best to admit this. If, in your opinion, is not right, then you should listen to him silently, take everything you hear into account, and after that, without emotions, decide how to behave further. Disputes, demonstration of their superiority will only aggravate the situation. In both cases, when the teacher is right or wrong, the conversation can be turned into a peaceful channel with a calm phrase: “Thanks for talking about the problem. I'll take note. Is my child making any progress?
It often happens that a child's academic performance is reduced due to problems in the family. In this situation, you need to be extremely frank with the teacher and honestly tell him about what happened at home. If a student is experiencing an internal drama, the teacher should be aware of this in order to choose a model of interaction with the child.
Situation three. Parents decide to talk to teacher because child complains about unfair grades
How to behave?
Meeting with the teacher should be scheduled in advance (for example, by phone or email), and not burst into the classroom in the middle of the lesson shouting: “Why did you give my son a D?” . Respect the teacher's time: firstly, an unplanned meeting can distract him from checking tests or preparing for the lesson, and secondly, due to being busy, the teacher will not be able to pay enough attention to your problem.
The question that worries you must be formulated in advance in order to speak specifically and to the point.
If the reason for the visit to the school was a recently received deuce, parents, before meeting with the teacher, should open the textbook and ask what the child knows about the topic that was rated unsatisfactorily. In most cases, it turns out that . Children, even if they study "good" and "excellent", really may not prepare their homework. Then the goal of your conversation with the teacher is to understand how to help the child master difficult material.
But even if the teacher is wrong, you need to conduct a dialogue in a respectful manner. In this case, you can offer the teacher to check the child's knowledge again and give him a chance to correct the bad mark. Do not take your child with you to the meeting! The conversation between parents and teachers is a conversation between adults.
Many parents complain that the teacher deliberately lowers the grades of students in order to then offer their services as a tutor. If you find yourself in such a situation, then you still do not need to independently prove your case. It is better if the conversation with the teacher reached an impasse and a way out of the conflict situation was not found, contact the school principal, but at the same time you should be prepared for the fact that the administration of the educational institution will check the child's knowledge of the subject.
If it turns out that the student really has a poor command of the material, do not try to "appease" the teacher with gifts. Talk frankly with the teacher, admit that you were wrong, and leave all the presents until the problem is solved.
It is not worth going to the principal of the school immediately after the problem arises, bypassing the teacher's office. This is a common mistake many parents make. The teacher should feel that you are ready for a dialogue with him, and not think that in any situation you will complain about him to the management.
There is only one teacher, but many children. Any responsible parent should remember this, so you don’t need to ignore the teacher’s requests to come to the meeting, but you shouldn’t go to school too often either, obsession will irritate the teacher and interfere with the successful resolution of the conflict.
However, if you see that the child's performance has declined, do not wait for the "avalanche", but rather talk to the teacher right away. The teacher will appreciate your interest, and together you can find a way out of any difficult situation.
Maintaining a friendly relationship with the teacher, telling him about domestic problems that could affect the student's academic performance or behavior, while maintaining tact and respect, you can create the ground for positive interaction with the school's teaching staff. Any professional teacher will always meet the needs of the child, seeing that parents are interested in overcoming difficulties.
Julia Shershakova
Probably, there is no such person who, during the years of schooling, would not have misunderstandings with teachers. The younger the child, the more parents are aware of how he lives at school, how his relationship with teachers and classmates develops. But as the student grows older, mom and dad gradually move away from the daily details of his life outside the home. The child shows more and more independence in their school affairs. Therefore, calls from school and an invitation to talk often take parents by surprise: “Everything was fine, and suddenly something happened ...” What will help to feel more confident if a teenager has difficulty communicating with a teacher? How to support a child in a difficult situation? The psychologist answered the questions of the portal browser Oksana Lushankina(Saint Petersburg).
Attack and move away - ineffective
When parents are called to school, they may be confused and not know how to behave when talking with a teacher, head teacher, principal. Mom and dad can experience fear, guilt, resentment, anger. The outcome of the problem depends on how they cope with their emotions.
Ineffective parenting styles in such a case are withdrawal and attack. At suspension parents do not want to delve into the situation and give the responsibility for solving the problem to the child. For example, the mother keeps aloof, afraid of harm: "If I intervene, it will be even worse. They will find fault with him." And dad says: “You figure it out there so that they don’t pull me and my mother.” It may seem that he is right, because children should be responsible for their actions and learn to solve their problems on their own. In fact, there is no question of raising independence - parents just make the child understand that they are not on his side. From mom and dad, he receives a message: "Make it so that we are not touched. You are for yourself." Parents do not think that, being in a difficult situation, the child needs protection, not teaching...
From attacks no more benefit. "It's your own fault, it's all because of your character!" - accuse the parents of the daughter, having received a signal from the school. At the same time, they begin to find out the details from the parents of classmates, raise everyone on their ears and run to the school to prove that their child is not to blame. Everyone falls under their hot hand: family members, teachers, classmates of the child and their parents.
Suspension and attack strategies are ineffective because it is not in the best interests of the children. What is really going on? Adults, recalling their childhood experience, when they were alone with a problem, try to protect myself- the student who was offended and for whom his parents did not stand up.
I had to communicate with parents in schools. I saw how independent and successful adults, crossing the threshold of an educational institution, turned into timid schoolchildren who look up at teachers and are afraid to enter the director's office. Therefore, in order to understand what is happening between your student and teacher, to understand the essence of the conflict and help the child, try to help yourself first. You can step back from the situation for a while to take a breath, collect your thoughts, sort out your feelings - and only after that go to school confidently.
Conflicts at home and at school…are the same
Any quarrels are part of a dialogue between people, and it is important to understand the context of the situation. Friction between teachers and students occurs for the same reasons that parents and children quarrel. At the heart of conflicts are questions of love and acceptance, the struggle for power, responsibility, authority and boundaries. The only difference is that at home you can ignore the behavior of the child and expect that "he will outgrow." And at school to ignore the conflict situation will not work. Something will have to be done, because what is happening is interfering with the educational process for which everyone at school has gathered.
Do not look for right and wrong
Do not look for the right and the wrong. It is better to find out what is important for everyone in the current situation. For example, if it is important for the teacher that the student respects him, and the student wants the teacher to show him more attention, you should look for ways to ensure that everyone gets their own.
Be a reliable rear for the child
The child may experience fear, resentment, a sense of injustice, anger. It is important to be near him and talk about these feelings. You can support your child by sharing memories of your conflicts with teachers. He will be relieved that he is not the only one in trouble. A reliable rear for a child is necessary - this is the basis for an exit in any situation.
goodbye anxiety
When an adult comes to the understanding: "Neither me nor my child wants harm at school," the anxiety goes away, and only the technical part of the problem remains. But when the parent continues to worry, he is unable to help the child.
Do not run to school for a petty reason
Parental intervention is mandatory when the situation is associated with the threat or fact of physical and psychological abuse. In other cases, it must be borne in mind that in the relationship between the student and the teacher there is everything that is in any other relationship. Quarrels, like happy moments, are inevitable. Excessive parental control harms the student-teacher dialogue. For example, a student shares with his mother how he sorted out the relationship with the teacher. The child is proud that he defended his opinion, although it was difficult for him in the dispute, and the mother raises an alarm: "He is offended!" She perceives the situation based on her attitude "if people argue, it's bad."
It is important to believe the child when he confidently says: "Mom, I'll figure it out myself. This is my business!" and learn to deal with their anxiety. If the mother does not hear the son, he is angry at her intrusion into school affairs. It often happens: they come to a psychologist with a problem about teachers, and it turns out that the dialogue between the parent and the child is broken, and the situation at school is actually irrelevant.
Trust the teacher
Parents can do more for their child than trying to control their relationship with the teacher. For example, a mother will help both of them to interact calmly if she trusts the teacher and comes to terms with the idea that her son has a “school mother” whom he will love, admire, say how kind and beautiful she is. It is equally important that the child has a trusting relationship with the parents. Then he experiences external problems more easily, because he is sure that the main people are for him.
Speak calmly and confidently with the teacher
It is not difficult to conduct a constructive dialogue with the teacher if you speak not from an offended and aggressive, but from a confident and calm state. Try to meet four conditions.
First. In a conversation, it is important to hear each other, and when people are shouting, dialogue is impossible. If the teacher communicates in a raised voice, you can ask: "Yes, I can hear you. Can you speak two steps lower?"- and wait until the interlocutor begins to speak more calmly. Do not continue the conversation until your request is fulfilled.
Second. Clarify what the teacher expects from you, what kind of help he expects: "How exactly can I help you? What do you want from my son (my daughter)?"
Third. Let the teacher say what way he proposes: "How do you see the resolution of this situation?" Also voice your version - this will help to find common ground.
Fourth. Do not let the teacher insult and call unflattering words of your child, even if he is very guilty.
When a child sees that his parents are on his side and are able to solve difficulties without accusations, emotional attacks, he feels safe both at home and at school.
If the teacher is wrong, ask to apologize to the child
When you realize that a child has been treated unfairly, ask the teacher to apologize. The request must be specific, for example: "I ask you to apologize to my daughter for yelling at her in front of the whole class."
Do not complain about the teacher to the headmaster
The conflict situation is settled when there is no tension left in the relationship between the teacher and the student and school issues are resolved in the usual ways. An appeal to the director, to the education department is a forceful method that is used by people who are not in dialogue, but on the battlefield. If you want to help your child, support him, it is better to come to a consultation with a psychologist.
Interviewed by Irina Bareyko
It seems that only recently the first bell rang, and the shortest and beloved by schoolchildren second quarter of the school year has already begun. For some, studying has become a pleasant and exciting thing. And someone goes to school like Calvary: boring lessons, troubles in the school team, exhausting homework, when adults lose their nerves, and children run out of strength ... And then there’s this: “Parents to school!”
Your baby is screwed up. A broken toilet in the school toilet, a classmate’s missing gadget found in your child’s backpack, a fight with a classmate right in the classroom, unbearable behavior when your “interferes with everyone” and the like… You never know what from this list was the reason for calling parents to school. Unpleasant, of course, but you have to go. So, you were called to the school for debriefing, or rather the flights of your child. How to behave, what to say and what to do - in this material.
Natalya Pospelova is a specialist in family problems and placement of orphans and children left without parental care. For 28 years she worked in the child protection authorities of Belarus, 12 of them in the National Center for Adoption. Author of more than 100 methodological and journalistic works on the problems of social orphanhood and family distress. One of the founders of the republican portal for finding families for orphans www.dadomu.by and the only monthly publication in the CIS for foster parents and specialists of guardianship and guardianship bodies - the newspaper "Home!". Referent of the Belarusian Public Association of Foster Families “With Hope”. Professional specialization: alternative forms of life arrangement for orphans; parental disputes about raising children; accompanying families wishing to adopt or have already adopted orphans for upbringing. Author's e-mail [email protected]
To begin with, you can get the "good news" of being called to school in a variety of ways. The most common - the classroom will call you on your mobile (work, home), say that the conversation is not a telephone conversation and it would be nice for you to go to school at a certain time. Perhaps the call to school will be recorded on a separate page in the child's diary, or maybe the child himself will convey the teacher's request. Be sure to clarify with the teacher in detail what issue you will discuss (failures in school, problems in relationships with peers or teachers, some specific situation related to deviant or illegal behavior of the child). Insist that the teacher clearly state the reason for your invitation to the school. Feel free to say that you were excited by her invitation and ask, if possible, to describe in more detail the situation in connection with which you are called for a conversation.
Also, do not forget to clarify who else from the teaching staff will pull up to strengthen the flanks of the teacher who called you. It's one thing to talk one on one, and it's quite another if the school establishment joins the discussion: the deputy director for educational work, a psychologist or a social teacher. It is important to determine the number of possible opponents. Make sure that you are not in the minority either: it is advisable for both parents to visit an educational institution. Yes, it is not easy to take time off from work today, but you can arrange a meeting on Saturday (hallelujah to the sixth school day), try to change at work, etc. There is simply nothing more important than understanding the situation your child is in.
Of course, the child will be worried about your going to school. And this is an occasion to talk, including about his excitement. Ask about the incident, listen to his version of events. Your involvement and caring is a life jacket for a child. Sometimes parents thoughtlessly impose stereotypes on their children, which not only do not work in difficult situations, but also bring a destructive effect. I'm talking about "sneak-snag" and "cry-baby-wax-shoe". In fact, in prohibitions to cry and complain, the child hears from the parent the ruthless: “No one will help you. Let's deal with it." How does it feel to know that you are alone in a difficult moment and you alone must face the troubles? What then is the meaning of the family? Therefore, do not dismiss when the child shares his problems with you, take the time to give him the opportunity to complain and regret. Do not think that children's problems are simple because they are children's. Often, these problems hide far from childish consequences.
Listening to the child's story about what happened, be sure to talk about how you could have acted differently in that situation, give an example from your childhood story.
Your faith in the child and in all the best in him, in fact, is the deterrent that will save him from wrong things in the future. Therefore, in a conversation with a worried child, convince him that your relationship with him will not change in any way, that this particular incident will not affect them, and that together you will find the strength to solve all problematic issues and try to fix everything.
“The irreconcilable position is occupied by adults, whom no one defended in childhood”
The feelings experienced by a parent who is told something unpleasant about his child are, of course, negative. Among the mass of reactions to a call to school, two of the most typical can be distinguished.
Some adults immediately take an offensive and intolerant position: since my child is attacked, I will tear / build / make everyone regret that they called! Such parents react strongly to the challenge, begin to get nervous, and the child also gets it: he is no longer happy that he has become the epicenter of events, and is torn between loyalty to an adult (it is necessary to maintain the mood and morale of the parent) and his own impression of the incident. It should not be thought that the child is completely devoid of criticality. Yes, he is lame due to age immaturity, but she is there and she works. At the age when shame and conscience are actively formed in a child (and this is the age from 8-9 to 12 years old), he is quite sensitive to wrong behavior, including his own, and really needs moral guidance. I would ask parents of children aged 5-6 years old who read the material not to use the topic “shame on you ?!” for high educational purposes, because at this age children really do not understand what shame, conscience and shamelessness are. In general, do not blaze with moralizing instructions in conversations with older preschoolers and the youngest schoolchildren. By the way, the ability to blush with shame, children also acquire with age, as hormonal maturation. That is why we have never seen a child of 4-7 years old with a face red with shame. This ability in children is more likely to be found closer to the onset of puberty, i.e. transitional age.
Let's go back to our messed up junior schoolboy. An irreconcilable and a priori dissenting position as a reaction to a call to an educational institution, as a rule, is occupied by those adults whom no one protected, protected in childhood, and, by and large, no one especially appreciated. Such adults go to school like on a battlefield. In these circumstances, it is hardly possible to count on a constructive dialogue with the teacher and an analysis of his obsession that is favorable in terms of consequences for the child. Another consequence of the fighting position of the parents may be his conversation with teachers in a raised tone, which is why there is a risk of getting a reputation for conflict, problematic, quarrelsome. Everything would be fine, but we should not forget that one of the criteria for classifying a child in a category (socially dangerous situation) is “living a minor in a family in a situation of conflict”. Who is pleased to be on all sorts of "accounts" and in "separate folders"? If you allow the conversation to develop according to a conflict scenario, then the teacher may have a “puzzle”: both the mother is a brawler and the child with unlawful behavior. A curtain. Therefore, try to keep your emotions under control. If the situation did not bother the teacher, he would hardly have dared to disturb you.
The opposite reaction to being called to school is also noticeable in adults: once the teacher said, it is so: the child let him down, did not justify, “how could you ?!”, “how could that be?” and so on. Parents go humbly to listen to claims, in absentia or publicly handing over their child, i.e. betraying him. As a rule, such behavior is typical for adults with archaic ideas about school, as well as for those who themselves grew up in a family with overly demanding and exacting parents who are never wrong and always right.
It is this position, in my opinion, that is the most catastrophic for the relationship with the child, it is capable of violating or even destroying the child's trust in his adult. Reading the fear and uncertainty broadcast by the parent before the conversation with the teachers, the child becomes stronger in the thought that, it turns out, his parents are not at all as bold and decisive as he always thought before, that there is someone or something that makes him parents tremble and panic. And since parents are weaklings, who can you hope for in difficult times? From whom to seek protection?
The prescribed extremes are not exhaustive. Therefore, one can only welcome the emergence and expansion of a group of parents who try to take a productive position in a situation of calling to school, combining unconditional love and trust in their child and respect for the teacher and his efforts.
“The daughter did not steal, but took. The son didn’t beat him, but got into a fight”
Let's consider the two most typical examples of calling the parents of a younger student to school.
Situation 1. “Your son beat a classmate, tore his jacket.”
Situation 2. "Your daughter stole a new expensive phone from a classmate."
In the first case, the teacher is trying to convey to you that the son is a bandit and a bully, in the second, that the daughter is a thief. It is painful and unpleasant for the parent, who would argue! You can enter into a battle with a teacher, get personal “Who gave you a diploma in pedagogical education ?! You dismissed the class, do not follow discipline! Experienced teachers do not have such incidents!” You can agree and blush, return home and give the child demonstration performances: “I wanted to sink through the earth with shame,” or you can discuss the situation with the maximum benefit for the child and your family. It is important to follow some rules for parsing flights.
First, work on the terminology: my daughter did not steal, but took someone else's thing; My son didn't beat me, he got into a fight. Let the teacher know that you are against labeling and extreme wording, and you are not in court, where the criminal acts of intruders are qualified, and therefore suggest that you refrain from using the criminal procedure dictionary. Try to reduce the emotional intensity and negative connotations of the terms: this will help reduce the tension in the conversation.
Do not forget the rule from the “old pedagogical testament”, which, despite its frequent use, proves its worth in a number of situations: prohibit evaluating a child. You can evaluate only his actions, knowledge, behavior, but not the child. Separate the child's act from his personality.
Emphasize that you understand how unpleasant the teacher is that this happened in her class, say that you are not going to push the responsibility for what is happening on her alone, that you share her concern and are grateful for the invitation to talk, offer to look for ways to solve the problem together and Do everything in your power to prevent a relapse.
Then proceed to the analysis of the flight, but it is in the totality of factors, without taking it out of context, not in isolation. Ask the teacher which of the other children suffered from such actions of your child, i.e. find out if this is a one-time incident, or have other children also complained about your child's bad behavior? If the teacher states that there is no seriality of the child's problem behavior, make an effort to figure out what was the provoking factor in both cases.
If you are attentive, involved in your child and you have a trusting relationship with him, then it will not be difficult to guess what is really behind the incident. The classmate with whom your son had a fight often bullied your boy; in the situation under discussion, the trigger for the fight was the fact that a classmate, running past, sharply pushed your boy, he fell on a flowerpot and hurt himself.
A classmate of the new gadget was not just proud - she used it to oppose other children. She told your daughter that she would only be friends with those who have a cool phone. It turns out that whoever has a new phone is good and you can communicate with him. The daughter was offended and did not think of anything better than to take the phone, thus responding to the insult.
She was not going to use the phone at all, she wanted to increase her self-esteem, having a status thing, she tried to reassure herself: you can also be friends with her!
In both cases, it is clear that the children chose not quite correct ways of solving problems. But the boy tried to protect himself from the constant attacks of a classmate, and the girl - from the humiliation of a classmate. Yes, the methods were chosen by the children not so hot, but, as they say, they chose from the meager piggy bank of existing experience. Therefore, make it clear to the teacher that you consider it very important educational work with children, aimed at eliminating such situations when children have to resort to desperate ways to solve interpersonal problems.
Let the teacher know that you do not approve of your child's action, but that you are on his side. To show your unity with the child, try to use more pronouns “my”, “mine”, “we”, “we” in your speech. Ask the interlocutor if she admits the right of people to make mistakes. Try to convince the teacher that the child, due to age and lack of experience, simply chose the wrong model of behavior.
Just because you're on your child's side doesn't mean you're against everyone else. Avoid polarization, separation of participants on opposite sides of the barricades, emphasize that many children at this age choose the wrong ways to resolve external and internal conflicts. You will only confront the teacher if you try to blame her for what happened. Avoid it.
Be sure to ask the teacher if the parents of the children involved in the conflicts are invited for a conversation. Let them know that you are ready to meet with them and discuss the problematic behavior of your children.
At the end of the conversation, be sure to ask the teacher to tell you something good about your child. By doing this, you will strengthen the position aimed at supporting the child.
Of course, a lot of the result of the conversation will depend on which teacher called you. Some of the parents will be shown the position of pedagogical indifference “whatever the children do not interfere”, someone will feel the poorly concealed neglect of the professionally deformed teacher of lessons. Not everyone will get Maria Montessori as a classy lady, and it’s also not necessary to hope that the great Dumbledore will call you as part of the analysis of the kid’s flight. However, avoid situational conclusions and do not rush: observe what actions the teacher will follow after you go to school.
Upon returning from school, be sure to put your emotions on the shelves and discuss the situation with the child who is worried about you and himself. Let him know that you do not approve of his act, but you are on the same side with him. Discuss how you could have done differently. Approvingly speak about the teacher, be sure to tell what good you learned from the teacher and admire the reaction of your student. You will undoubtedly solve these age-related problems in order to solve larger problems later, always being on the side of your child. And let your child have fewer conflicts!
