Everyone has ever faced the fact that people said nasty things about him. Sometimes it's done behind our backs and we find out about it by accident. But for some individuals, it doesn't cost anything to give something like that right in the face. With a sweet smile..
Let's try to figure out why they do it.
The first reason is elementary bad manners and lack of tact.Sometimes they even consider the ability to cut the "truth-womb" in the eye as their great advantage. Such people are able to embarrass everyone at the table at a party with some ridiculous remark about the audience or tell you at a meeting: “Oh, how fat you are, you don’t know,” or “Oh, how bad you look.” It is pointless to be offended by them - after all, they do not even understand that they said something wrong.
The second reason is jealousy.Moreover, they can envy the most unexpected things. For example, the ease of your attitude to problems. What can we say about success and happiness in personal life. When I got married, some unmarried friends found it necessary to immediately tell me a lot of impartial things about my newly made wife.
The third reason is vampirism.There are people who experience the psychological and even physical need to say nasty things. It recharges them with energy, gives them the opportunity to assert themselves. As a rule, these are people with complexes that they hide behind their aggression, and with various problems - in terms of health, personal life, and so on. After all, a person who has everything in perfect order does not need to look so closely at the lives of others and look for flaws in it.
The fourth reason is the desire to teach.There are also people who for some reason feel like mentors. Sometimes these are home-grown psychologists who think that they are subject to all questions. And so they give you advice, but with some, so to speak, negative overtones. For example: "You are weak, nervous, clamped, so you can't do anything." Or: "Your relationship with your husband is clearly not harmonious, and if this is not changed, you will part." Often they project their problems onto you.
The fifth reason is good intentions.It is most difficult to hear nasty things from your loved ones. They definitely love us and wish us only the best, but the nasty things or negativity coming from them in connection with this only confirm that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
The sixth reason is impunity.It is especially common to find on the Internet - in in social networks and on the forums people relax because they feel safe. They begin to shine with their "intelligence", excel in witticisms and hang labels.
So, let's ignore the nastiness, as if it never existed. And calmly transfer the conversation to another topic. Another attempt at uttering nasty things - and again ignored. This can greatly annoy the opponent and even teach him something. And you can also imagine an indelicate interlocutor behind glass, from where you can’t hear him, or mentally put a mirror between him and yourself. These are classic techniques from the field of psychology.
Ekaterina Shcheglova
06.02.2018 10:15:20
When they say nasty things to you, it spoils your mood and lowers your self-esteem.
If you say nasty things in response, then you will definitely run into a conflict, and you will waste your precious energy in vain. And if you endure, you can get sick.
How to be?
There was a period in my life when my girlfriends and acquaintances did not say nasty things to me at all - only pleasant compliments. It was when I just moved to live in the city. I did not have a permanent job (and at the age of 18 and without experience it is impossible to find one), I did not have beautiful and fashionable clothes. All my friends told me: "You're my good one! My poor thing, let me help you!"
A poor and unfortunate girlfriend perfectly inflates self-esteem, so they sometimes helped me out with housing, helped me get a job, gave away unnecessary things ...
But a year later, the situation changed dramatically. I found Good work and even started a career. I went to college and began to dress beautifully. Now I could give my friend my things. And then it began!
My cute and beautiful girls started saying nasty things to me! My new shoes, in their opinion, were ugly! In a perfectly fitting dress, I looked like a stuffed animal! A hand-crocheted openwork sweater was called "women's", although I saw exactly the same one on the catwalk at the last fashion show ... And in general, my taste and style suddenly turned out to be disgusting ...
And then I stood at the mirror, looked at myself, and could not understand what was wrong? The thing sits correctly, makes me slimmer and taller. She is elegant. Perfectly matched color and style. But why do girlfriends say that everything is bad?
At that moment, my boss saved me. I once asked her how the new dress sits on me, does it suit me? But her short answer: "Everything is fine" - did not satisfy me. And I complained to her that her friends say the opposite.
And she said the phrase that struck me then:
"Oksana, why love you? You are smart, beautiful, making a career, you can afford a lot, plus you study at the institute. There is nothing to love you for! .."
Since then, I have ceased to respond to destructive female attacks. And I realized one important thing: "Friends are known not in trouble, but in joy."
If your girlfriend tells you that you are fat or thin, or even worse - haggard ... If she calls your luxurious handmade sweater "women's" and tries to convince you that your Italian handbag is tasteless ... Think! Is she your friend?
Then I seriously began to think about the fact that poor and unfortunate friends, although they can raise your self-esteem well, are always ready to morally bite you, and, if possible, cripple you ...
So I just try not to be friends with those who bite.
How do I respond to moral bites?
If they tell you nasty things, try to "get into the shoes" of this person. Why is he telling you this?
Sometimes I hear nasty things in my address. As a rule, this happens when meeting with distant relatives, former classmates, etc.
Sometimes they write bad things to me in social networks. Well, a person is jealous of me, what can you do? I don’t argue, I don’t make excuses, I don’t stoop to their level and I don’t bite back. I just bathe them.
And by the way, I'm not upset at all. You understand what's the matter. I became a florist and craftsman at the age of 20. And how I sold figurines of Chinese Buddhas and cracked vases! Naturally, I had colleagues who openly hated me and said all sorts of nasty things. Well, the dog is with them! The dogs bark, but the caravan moves on. I'm used to it :)
At the age of 24, I became a successfully exhibited and sold artist in the city. I was often written about in local newspapers, filmed interviews. They began to recognize me on the street. Sometimes uncles-artists came up to me and started telling me that I draw disgustingly, I have no sense of style, and my technique is lame. Only here is one bad luck: my paintings were exhibited and sold, but they were not ...
Therefore, I always looked at all such bites with pity. If a person is forced to sink to this, it means that something is pushing him to that.
Well, if some lady comes to my page and writes that I'm a fool and I look bad, I just feel sorry for this woman. It is so hard for her that she spends her precious minutes of her life to sit in the net and throw her own intellectual garbage. Poor!
Well, I can just delete the nasty things :).
"Look at the root," as Kozma Prutkov said. And I'll add: "Look at the root, and don't worry :)"
If nastiness offends you?
Well, what if you are still hurt? For example, did a colleague speak negatively about you, and even publicly? Or is your boss jealous of you, because you are confidently making a career, and generally slimmer than her?
How to be? After all, sometimes saying nasty things in response is not always necessary or useful. And anyway, why stoop to their level?
But you feel bad. You constantly chase your resentment in your thoughts, suffer ... After all, you can get sick like that!
What to do?
Write this person a letter. In a letter, tell him everything you think about him, finally swear if you feel that you need it. Write that he is a ruthless bastard, but life will show who is right :). Justify yourself!
This letter does not need to be sent. Here it is important to simply complete this gestalt, calm down and not think about resentment anymore. All:).
If you are "lucky" to work next to a disgusting colleague or superiors who (oh, misfortune!) envy you and regularly say nasty things - use another method of gestalt therapy.
Get in the habit of hitting a rug, a pillow, or a punching bag at the gym a couple of times a week. The rug can be called the name of your boss :) Come up to him and say: "Well, Marvanna, did you jump? She took it into her head to scold me. She's completely pissed off! Now I'm going to beat you ..."
Is it worth it to say nasty things in response?
Definitely not worth it. Be wiser. Sometimes you can just feel sorry for a person. After all, if they throw their intellectual poop at you - understand, at first a person keeps these "poop" in himself, and they stink in him, poison his entire existence. He himself suffers from them, and most likely suffers much more than you!
Somehow I'm standing in the store. I'm wearing a luxurious fur coat, stiletto boots, make-up. I talk nicely with the saleswoman about which dress I should buy - the blue one, in which I look amazing, or this elegant black one, in which I'm just a miracle how beautiful :). And then a woman comes up ten years older than me. You know these ladies, they always have a correct and stern expression on their faces. This one, for example, looked like my tyrannical English teacher, whom I had been terrified of all my childhood.
So, this tyrant comes up to me and says something like: "And there is nothing to show off like that!"
And that's right, why am I showing off here, in my beautiful mink coat?
I make an exceptionally stupid expression on my face, and calmly agree with her: "My God, what a perspicacious you are, and I didn't know that I was showing off! Thank you, you opened my eyes!"
That's it, the conflict is over. The tyrant is depressed, and the saleswoman giggles with pleasure :)
But think about it, why did she fit in at all? Because in her soul she felt bad or even disgusting, and she was looking for a victim for herself. And here I am, in a beautiful fur coat, calmly saying compliments to myself, and in general, even dresses suit me ... So she decided to bite me. For me to bite her back. And then she would start to growl at me, and already frankly tear and throw! Because there is nothing to go shopping in full dress. After all, you need to show off less, be angry and unhappy, like her .... And if you are not like that, expect punishment!
If I had gone into conflict, I would have given this aunt a lot of pleasure. And I would leave the store upset, with bleeding emotions and torn feelings. And I, damn it, agreed with her, drowning out the conflict at the root ... And this will only make it worse for her. And it's her choice...
Or another situation. I meet a former classmate, and she says: "You've become a blonde! Fu... it doesn't suit you!"
What to answer her? "Look at yourself!"
But why? To get a whole tub of slop in return?
It's much better to say: "Yes, yes, I will definitely think about it. In general, it's so nice when others notice changes in me! You are so cute!"
Once the brilliant Faina Ranevskaya said:
"If you have been nasty - give this person a candy. You nasty - and you candy! And give candies as long as this bastard does not have diabetes!"
So do not spare sweets! Give them away generously :)
Well, if you want to always competently avoid conflicts, while not suffering from low self-esteem - study mine. In this case, I would even call it "non-biting culture" :)
"I stopped being offended, eating my stress and started losing weight!"
I thank Oksana, Olga and Elena for such a deep and serious work with the cadets "How to raise a woman's self-esteem."
I consider the main result of the course to be the realization that you need to work on yourself constantly, systematically, even when you don’t understand clearly how it works, you need to take it and do it every day. Do it every day, so that later you get the desired result for yourself.
I identified for myself the reasons for the difficulties in relations with men, and taking into account the professional recommendations of the author of the project Oksana Duplyakina and psychologist Olga Shevchenko, I developed a detailed plan of work in this direction.
On the course, I learned how to get rid of old grievances correctly, mastered the technique of forgiveness, so to speak. And it has already given results. For example, she got rid of resentment for the gained kilograms - and immediately began to lose weight (-2 kg per week), she got sick of eating everything and wanted to do exercises. I got rid of resentment for unfinished business - and the long-standing imperfections immediately began to be completed.
I matured, began to take my life more seriously, I realized in practice that I really can do a lot. And again, I accepted for myself that my life is in my hands.
I don't want to be offended by anyone anymore. Old grievances go away through the practice of forgiveness, and new ones do not appear. I don’t want to be offended at all, and that’s great!!!
I began the most important work for me to "inculcate" self-love. This is also a daily obligatory practice for me now. And for the first time in my life, I consciously and systematically work on the most important thing.
I learned to cancel the old negative attitudes that interfere with life full life, and replace them with new, positive ones.
I now have a whole set of techniques for solving problems in life, which I have mastered not only theoretically, but also practically.
Thank you fellow students. When you see that such cool girls are working side by side with you to improve the quality of their lives, seriously, and at the same time, cheerfully and enthusiastically follow the recommendations and get results - you are charged with this energy, and you understand that there is also a lot can.
My future plans are to work out the Practice of Forgiveness to the bitter end, to love myself deeply and hopelessly :). Work out tasks on self-knowledge and elimination of fears. Continue to work on increasing income and reprogramming, and continue to successfully study in the course "DAO: The Way of a Woman".
Good luck to all of us! Maria.
How do I learn to love myself
I instill good habits
and look at the world positively!Thanks to the course "How to raise a woman's self-esteem":
- I began to listen to myself more. I learned to catch negative thoughts and switch to positive ones.
- I stopped criticizing and scolding myself - now in any of my actions I find a positive intention, which means I stop feeling senseless guilt.
- I myself am a source of joy, inspiration and positive emotions :)
- I began to compare myself less with others, less to envy. I realized that my life is interesting for me!
- I stopped worrying about what was happening around, focused more on myself.
- Side effect: I have outlined for myself in which direction I want to develop in the creative and intellectual fields.Now (in addition to the main tasks of the course) I plan to come to grips with Reprogramming, and then the Practice of Forgiveness, study some of the literature in order to return to the DAO course at a new level. I would not like to write about all the goals now, but I will share the results!
Main conclusion:
You have to work on yourself! And work every day! To save the results, and then increase - you need to practice daily."Marina.
We remind you that we have a NEW SET!
on the online intensive "How to raise a woman's self-esteem!"
for DAO cadets!
You have 3 more days to sign up for this group.
This is a 15-day online intensive, taking place in the format of group therapy, with me and our psychologist Olga Shevchenko, in a special closed VKontakte group. You will have access to all the materials and tasks of the group for 2 months! And at the end of the intensive, each cadet receives an individual consultation on solving her problem!
18 comments
06.02.2018 13:09:21
Oksana, thank you for such an informative article! In the spring, I entered the DAO course and began to transform, at that moment my relationship with my girlfriend began to get worse. I intuitively began to feel something was wrong and stopped talking about my hard work and success, became more silent with her. And then one day she began to tell me that my jacket emphasizes my big shoulders (although I have an hourglass figure), she began to ask why I didn’t tell her about my success, and then she also asked why I hard to breathe! I replied that I was cold and we went faster, the conversation did not work out. Only later did I realize that I was furious and was holding back with might and main so as not to answer rudely and not yell at her. In the end, I nevertheless answered her sharply, but I still restrained myself strongly. And then my friend stopped talking to me. I constantly thought about it in the style of "how dare she not communicate with me." I started working on the practice of forgiveness. I realized that initially our communication began when I was in the position of the victim. I asked her for help, she was always a helping calming angel. And then I started reading your, Oksana, books. I confess, there was a period when I was terribly infuriated by what was written there. So I was given an analysis of my behavior :) I read books and started sending out, gradually I became more cheerful, more people began to communicate with me, unexpected gifts began to appear. I am glad that I began to leave the position of the victim. And I’m glad that we don’t communicate with that friend anymore, we can rarely say a few words to each other kindly, but I don’t want to be friends with her anymore, I feel good with myself. I had a fault for the fact that I answered her rudely, offended her, and yet she helped me when it was very difficult for me. Your article showed me another side of our communication.
I worked on an episode of our quarrel about the practice of forgiveness, wrote letters, but until now, when I remember this situation, I almost shake with anger and from the fact that I think that I HAVE to apologize and be friends with her again, and I I don’t want to, and if I don’t want to, then I’m bad, she did me so much good, but I’m not grateful. I will re-read this article and work on it.
Thank you for writing about the environment. Now I will remind myself that I am not a victim of circumstances. Now I try to do this anyway, I don’t see those with whom I don’t want or I reduce communication to a minimum, I began to use the simpleton method, I somehow get it by myself at the right time, and if my parents watch TV, then I quickly do things in this room and go to another room and sew a dress for myself, read. Thank you, Oksana, for such a useful article!
06.02.2018 14:05:54
Irina, you can ask your friend for forgiveness (even mentally, imagining this situation), or write a letter. And the feeling of guilt will go away, and new and interesting people will definitely come into your life.
06.02.2018 13:10:58
Girls, I also found another interesting trick!
I check a man for lice with a photograph of Oksana D. (our trainer l.r.)
When I communicate with men, sometimes I show a photo of Oksana and ask what impression this girl makes on them. I say that the photos are from the Internet, I don’t know the girl, so they can tell the truth.
So vooot, I have already noticed one trend: men who are accommodating, smart, kind, money, usually speak admiringly (or at least neutrally) about Oksana. ...
But critics, lazybones, and domestic tyrants categorically do not like her in any photo! ...
Coincidence? --- I don't think!
Therefore, girls, we get rid of URGENTLY (and without delay) from shyness and tightness, from our complexes! We only attract reptiles, rednecks, and domestic despots into our lives!
When I entered the realtor, I automatically dismissed all my unenviable suitors! They shit themselves in their pants when they found out that I would have such a (communicative) profession!
So go ahead, allow yourself more, and you will go nuts as your environment starts to change!
06.02.2018 17:52:34
Thank you, Oksana, for the article) For me, she is very timely .. Just the other day there was a case when I realized that a "girlfriend" is not my girlfriend anymore ((Although the friendship is old .. but somehow all the "nasty things" are they accumulated towards me .. I’m just one of those who doesn’t give nasty things in return, but this harms me in the future, because a person does not understand that he hurts my feelings ..
Oksana, do you think there is a real female friendship? And how to attract such "real" ones into your life?)
Thank you))
07.02.2018 12:51:47
Real female friendship lasts up to 5-8 years. Then the boys begin, the loves, the rivalry.
There is no idealized friendship. This is an illusion. There is help, yes. There is cooperation and mutually beneficial interests (while we are looking for a husband, we go for a walk together, when there are children, we help each other to sit with them). But it is important to understand that this is a person of your gender. A mammal, with a poorly arranged brain, and as a result a rival.
In this case, there are no stupid illusions, and no one will ever betray you.
07.02.2018 05:54:59
I once sinned with envy. Thank God, I realized that it is not profitable for me, well, it draws energy from me! I prefer to take as allies those whom you envy: development takes place instantly and in the soul, getting rid of pride in real life.
07.02.2018 07:42:38
oh, I had the exact same thing!
I was terribly jealous of one girl that my ex loved before me.
But then I noticed how draining I was, and decided to just copy from her a lot of things that I envy in her (femininity, gentleness, ability to listen, ambition, self-love).
And indeed, I got better. And the desire to envy, and check her page a hundred times is gone.
08.02.2018 16:10:55
Hello Girls and Oksana! Thanks for the post, it arrived just in time. In the morning, a parent wrote to me at a discussion in the gazebo about gifts: "I think you played too much and it's time for you to go to kindergarten." And I answered not according to the method of a simpleton, and the whole day in the morning was spoiled by my bad mood and the fact that I took it all to heart. As for strangers, it's clear
but how would I have to answer in a common gazebo to her message to me using the simpleton method? Please tell me
01.05.2019 00:04:33
Good day!
Oksana, if that tyrant in the store pushed you and even rude, as if you pushed her, and not she pushed you, what would you do? To what extent are you ready to endure insults and attacks and give sweets in return?
By the way, I recently met a girl who behaved as you recommend in one of your books describing a friend who did not know how to boil large ears of corn in a small pot, because. they did not fit entirely. In a conversation with me, that girl also shrugged her shoulders and exclaimed: "Oh, what to do?" The answer was simple and obvious. And I, like a parrot, answered her every exclamation with a smile with the same phrase "do this and that." Apparently she wanted me to do it for her. I realized that she was completely insincere and she was a manipulator. I don't like this person.
It's sad to realize that people talk about you behind your back. Since such gossip spreads quickly, it is difficult to find the source of the gossip. It is for this reason that, most likely, you will only spoil the situation by trying to confront people who spread rumors about you. The best tactic in this case is to ignore it. In addition, you can try to become more positive and change your view of gossip.
Steps
How to deal with people who gossip
- Be kind, but don't get close to gossips. Do not tell them personal things that may become another topic for gossip in the future.
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Think about the gossiper's motives. If your friend or acquaintance began to spread rumors about you, most likely he had his own reasons for this. Most good friends wouldn't spread negative rumors about you that might upset you. If your friend just became a part of this gossip, try to find out why he did it, and also think about how he might have reacted to these rumors.
- Questions to ask include: “How did you know what was going on?” or “What were you saying spreading that rumor?” You can simply ask: “Why are you telling me this?”. The answers to these questions will help you understand the motives of the gossiper.
- You don't have to end your relationship with the gossiper. But it would be wise to communicate with this person with greater accuracy. Most likely, this person is not as innocent as he tries to seem. Perhaps he himself spreads gossip, and does not try to stop them.
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Don't gossip. You already know how annoying it is to be talked about behind your back. But if you do not try to stop it, you can assume that you, too, are to blame for the current situation. Some people just like to talk personal life other people, but remember that they will not be able to do this if they do not have listeners (that is, people who share their opinion).
Talk to someone who is in authority. If gossip is interfering with your work or school, you will need to address the issue at the administration level. In this case, the teacher or supervisor will help to deal with this problem.
Don't do anything. You may be tempted to confront the person who gossips about you, in which case the best response to his actions is to ignore his gossip. Just think, because this person will not be able to say these words to your face. Therefore, you should not give him new topics for gossip. Just stop this vicious circle, completely ignoring the gossip.
Treat gossipers with kindness. Another way to respond to gossip is to cultivate a kind attitude towards people. Gossips will be confused and puzzled that you treat them so well despite the fact that they gossip about you. Also, if you're optimistic about everything, gossipers may feel guilty for talking about you behind your back.
Set limits on gossip. If you have to spend a lot of time with people who talk about you behind your back, try to keep your distance from them. Remember that you don't have to be friends with them just because you have to work together.
How to change gossip about yourself
Don't take gossip personally. You can easily run into people who talk about you behind your back, but remember that their words say more about themselves than about you. You cannot control what others say about you. But you can control your reaction to their words. Treat gossip like outside information. Don't be a victim of other people's problems.
Realize that people might just be jealous of you. It may not look like it, but people might say bad things about you because someone is bullying them. A person may envy your life, your skills and abilities, popularity. Their nasty and mean words may just be a way to hurt you.
Low self-esteem. Another feature of the gossiper is low self-esteem. People who talk badly about you may do it on purpose to assert themselves. Perhaps the person who spreads gossip about you constantly feels insignificant, most likely he has low self-esteem. As a result, this person starts talking bad things about others.
Trampling in the dirt
Since the Trampers are smaller than the rest, it is best to communicate with them calmly and good-naturedly. When using calm questions, refrain from raising your voice and arrogant remarks: this makes people defensive and act even more defiant.
This method is similar to a small exam, the purpose of which is to find out what exactly annoys a person. Keeping a thorough, non-aggressive tone, you will notice how surprisingly the venomous behavior of the Trampler changes, how he becomes calmer, softer, how he smiles when he manages to get to the bottom of the truth.
Most often, people put you down when you have something they don't have, or when your behavior offends them in some way. In most cases, they feel out of place around you. Therefore, a compassionate method that will make it easier for you to communicate with them is equally successful.
Chatterbox
When communicating with a Chatterbox, a way to relieve tension is indispensable. It will help you keep your cool. Try the replacement fantasy method. Talkers should know that their endless chatter is usually inappropriate, so the way of open protest will also be effective. It is best to resort to it without extraneous witnesses, for the Chatterbox will have to save the day in order to maintain his dignity.
You can start by gently and affectionately reassuring Chatterbox how much you love him (if so), but that sometimes he talks too much about things that are not of interest to everyone. Teach Chatterbox to look at the facial expressions and postures of others in order to understand the degree of their interest. At first, Chatterbox may be shocked, and this will cause him to react defensively. If so, you will have to be more frank and give examples of his tiresome chatter. But do not forget to assure that you still understand and love him.
Invite him to remember that a certain gesture - raising his eyebrows, touching - can serve as a signal for him to turn the conversation. Often, defensive reactions and fear are caused by the inability to master basic communication skills and understand the facial and body language of others.
If the Chatterbox is impenetrable or continues to use your time and energy, you should be firm, using the method of open protest, and not let him overstep the bounds of what is permitted.
Consumer
When communicating with the Consumer, the method of open protest is one of the ways out. This method allows you to make it clear that you feel used and offended. In some cases, resistance on your part makes the Consumer feel remorse for his nasty things. If the Consumer cares about your friendship and respect, he may look at himself and your reactions in a different way. If you can manage to remain calm, the way of open protest will allow you to start a dialogue that will help restore a damaged relationship. If you feel that they are trying to manipulate you, to use you in this situation, say directly and harshly: "No, it won't work. I won't let anyone treat me like that, I don't like it."
Another option is to leave and no longer give the consumer the opportunity to use you.
Evil Upstart Tyrant
Very often these dictators, when fought with the same weapons, are both astonished and disgusted at their conduct. In fact, by fighting back their anger, you can once and for all protect yourself from such attacks. By shouting louder than they do, you will regain your courage.
In addition, the way of scandal is suitable in dealing with the Upstart-tyrant. Don't let him torture you with his "quirks" and enjoy your humiliation. On the contrary, act boldly and coolly. If you put him in his place, Upstart may even start to respect you. Do not give him the pleasure of seeing your fear.
Your tyrant boss will also feel respect for you, although he may explode even more. You will win either way: even if he unleashes his fury on you, you will at least retain your dignity. Another possibility is to move away from the Upstart Tyrant and stay as far away from him as possible. A humorous way will help too. There are many cases when good-natured humor saved the situation and the ardor of the tyrant died down.
Joker
The method of open protest immediately lets the Joker know that you do not consider him witty and do not intend to be the object of vile jokes and stories.
It is necessary to maintain a firm tone in order to silence him. Do not be afraid to talk to the Joker in this way, because in a good way he does not understand. When the Joker releases a venomous joke at you and justifies himself by saying that he was "just fooling around", or trying to provoke you with the remark: "Don't you understand jokes?" - put it in its place immediately. Tell him that you understand the jokes, but do not find anything funny in what he spun. Don't worry about hurting him or hurting his feelings. After all, this person doesn't really care about your feelings.
Since the Joker builds a wall of jokes in front of him to protect his frail self-esteem, you may not be able to break his offensive demeanor. The joker can just give up on you and continue in the same spirit. In such a case, refer to the method of scandal. Also remind the Prankster, using the method of open protest, that today's plight in the world will quickly put an end to his jokes, especially if they are dangerous from the point of view of the norms of interracial or sexual behavior.
Ignorant
In dealing with the Ignorant, all the variety of methods is at your disposal. Which one you choose depends on how ignorant or stupid you are. Start with a way to relieve tension if the opponent seems so unbearable to you that you can only hold your breath to contain your anger.
It's usually not enough to take your anger out on the Ignorant. Therefore, you can influence him using the method of open protest, explaining how little child that his actions are completely inappropriate.
Madman
Lunatics work best with stress relief and quiet questions. The more calm you are, the less you provoke the Madman and the easier it will be for you to communicate.
Ultimately, you can always get away from the Lunatics and do more enjoyable things, because without professional help, they will never be able to change their difficult behavior. Do what you can to send such a person to a doctor, and if you fail, save yourself. Even if you are beside yourself and ready to strangle someone who is doing you nasty things, always suppress your aggressive impulses and do not do anything that can ruin your future and put your life in danger.
When faced with the Madmen, never try to take matters into your own hands, but try to find legal ways. Then, no matter how painful it is, tell yourself, "I won't think about it," to deal with the bitterness in your heart sown by the Madman.
shameless liar
The best way to deal with the Shameless Liar is to ask calm questions. If, suspecting him of a lie, you begin to pour questions, the Liar will eventually be cornered and appear in the open.
Then comes the turn of the method of open protest, which lets the Liar know that you have seen through him, as some Liars withhold the truth just to impress you. You may want to help them save their reputation, even though you know they are lying. Adopt a way to relieve tension, and let the Liar weave anything. And if he wants to impress you with harmless fiction, use a humorous way. A slight grin on your face often shows the Liar that you are aware of the true state of affairs, but are not inclined to humiliate him.
Dirty dog
The dirty trickster should unambiguously make it clear that his nasty things are by no means welcome and look disgusting. The method of scandal, and then the method of retreat, will best explain the mischief of this type of your attitude towards him.
You should not be polite and friendly with the Dirty, as this, as a rule, does not impress them. These manipulators are too dangerous, so after you give them a pepper, leave immediately! Don't let bad guys into your life.
Miser
Miser are a classic type of mischievous creatures, because they have an unusually low self-esteem. In communicating with the Miser, the method of calm questions can help you. By asking certain questions, you will let him know how unpleasant stinginess is. Most likely, the Curmudgeon will be embarrassed to learn of your point of view. And the answers will shed light on his hidden fears, which will make you more understanding and patient with your opponent, even if he behaves unworthily.
Another way is the method of open protest. The necessary conditions are compassion and understanding, therefore, when communicating with the Miser, keep a friendly tone. The way of love and kindness will best demonstrate your empathy.
Narcissus
The narcissist is not in a position to talk about anything unless it is related to himself. The way of love and kindness works best in communicating with him, since Narcissus is selfish and absorbed in his own person solely because of deep fears, insecurity and complexes. Understanding this will help you feel better about the Narcissist's problems and interact with him more successfully. The narcissist does not strive at all costs to be selfish, he is so because of low self-esteem. The narcissist does not know how to give something to others, because he is too exhausted, worthless and preoccupied with his own problems.
If his self-absorption drains your patience, a way to relieve tension will calm you and help you continue communication. If the selfishness and insecurity of the Narcissist offends you, you must speak up about it using the method of open protest. However, keep a calm, reserved tone, otherwise you will not be listened to. If you start blaming and snarling, Narcissus will become defensive, scolding you and denying his self-centeredness. His "I" is usually fragile, like an eggshell.
If you notice that the Narcissist only communicates with you when it is convenient for him, does not pay attention to your words, transfers all conversations to himself, you may ask why he chose you. You can bow out and leave Narcissus. Most people who encounter Narcissus end up opting for the retreat method, as there comes a point where their patience runs out. After you stop communicating with the Narcissist, you will be helped by thinking: "I will not think about it" when you suddenly think of him, and a humorous way that will show the absurdity of his behavior.
Podliza
Despite the fact that Slickers are shameless manipulators, you do not have the courage to blame them for everything, because deep down you still believe that at least the smallest of what they say is true. When the sugar flattery just starts to pour over the edge, a way to relieve tension will help you cope with unpleasant emotions. If this is not enough to overcome the dislike, seize on a humorous way to put a stop to the Slicker's desire to please you.
You can smile and say good-naturedly: "Come on, go on, am I really like you say? You probably need something from me." This combination of humor and outright protest can lead to an outburst of denial, followed by other hilarious remarks like "if you don't stop talking in that honeyed voice I'm going to get diabetes" or "are you pouring that sweet syrup on me to watch?" , how will the ants stick around me?", or "Are you tired of it yet?" Show them that you can see through their sycophantic "things". If you can't stand the Podliz and their flattery anymore, try the mirror method. Talk to them just like them, imitating their sweet voice. They usually figure out what's going on.
Self-satisfied despot
When confronted by the Smug Despot, immediately show him, using calm questions, how unpleasant and boring he is to you.
If, on the other hand, the Smug Despot is in an unassailable position and you find it dangerous to use the mirror mode, settle for the substitutive fantasy mode so that you can spend time with the Despot without harming yourself.
haughty snob
When Haughty Snobs sing along to their favorite song, "I'm Better Than You," the quiet questioning method works best. Ask Snobs more questions so that they understand the absurdity of their claims to others. Questions like "who told you that you are better than the rest?" or "why don't you talk to that person?" usually knocked down their arrogance, because they do not know what to answer.
It is very pleasant to tell the Arrogant Snobs everything that you think, because they do not expect such a turn of events and are shocked by your attacks. If you find you've had enough meanness from the Arrogant Snob and his friends, drop them and leave, saving your nerves. People who think they're better than you don't deserve attention.
Competitor
Women these days are often more successful than their male friends, and some insecure men can't put up with it. Although many of these men consider themselves highly developed and progressive people, they, like fossils, are unable to get rid of the youthful belief that boys should be bigger, better, stronger and smarter than girls.
Mentor
The mentor - a little despot - simply cannot live without playing the role of the first violin. But if children can still be brought up, then adults with their established beliefs and values experience only irritation and humiliation when someone tries to control them.
Don't let the Master down. Explain that you are not concerned with his desire to lead everything, but trying to lead you is annoying. At the first suspicion of such behavior, you need to use the method of open protest. The method of the mirror also works wonders, making the Mentor alert, for he instantly boils at the slightest attempt to control himself. The mentor clearly cannot stand being treated the way he treats others. Remember that if you persistently mimic him, he may not be indebted and go berserk. However, having felt in his own skin what it is like to be taught what, how and when to do, he will stop his attempts to tell you.
Ruthless Monitors deserve a way of scandal. Turn on your heels, tuck in your stomach, and loudly declare that you will no longer tolerate being controlled and told what to do, since you are a reasonable adult who is quite capable of making decisions on his own. A little rudeness will show this person how much anger you are capable of. If nothing helps and the Mentor continues to control you, delivering anxiety and grief, you will have to retreat. Otherwise, be sure: you will cease to be yourself and forget how to think for yourself.
Suspicious skeptic
Show as much patience as possible. The way to relieve stress will help you get rid of negative emotions. If you decide to support the skeptics through the method of love and kindness, you may gain good friends and allies.
If these people get on your nerves too much, you will have to retreat in the same way as in the case of other Harmful Beings that take a lot of energy from you. Leave them in the care of psychologists!
Bad people at work
Like neighbors, employees are not chosen - unless you are the head of the firm. But the current situation in financial world sometimes even bosses do not allow themselves to choose their employees and clients at will.
In our turbulent times, an employee is required to master the skills of communicating with all types of harmful people in order not to lose his job. In the workplace, dealing with difficult people is truly a matter of survival. Stress relief "I won't think about it" and substituted fantasy can be your closest allies at work.
Bad bosses. Bosses are bosses, they are the first violins, so whether you respect them or not is a secondary issue if you want to keep your job and earn a living. The main thing for you is to learn how to adequately deal with them and deal with your own anger. Bad people in positions of power tend to be Vicious Upstart Tyrants, Blaming Critics, Mentors, Consumers, Competitors, Smiling Two-Faced Janus and Miser or variations thereof.
If you value your workplace, other methods may be risky. You can't force bosses to get defensive and make them look bad, because it's always up to them and there's nothing you can do about it - so express your anger in a more acceptable way.
If your work is not of great value to you, take a chance and use the methods of open protest, calm questions, a mirror, or a scandal. After all, is it worth holding on to work if anxiety and stress threaten your health? Leave if you can. We don't need to be victims anymore. Now there is an opportunity to raise your voice, leave or go to the appropriate authorities that will help us sort things out.
Bad employees. A harmful employee may appear in the guise of a Competitor, Trampling in the dirt, Smiling two-faced Janus, Gossip, Dirty or Instigator. Although the work environment is very different from the home environment, many people tend to look at the boss as a parent and see employees as brothers and sisters. As a result, they are often transferred to the working environment.
The most effective ways to relieve stress and calm questions are applicable to harmful employees. Never lose your temper and do not break into a scandal. Verbal abuse at work is unacceptable under any circumstances! Whatever the situation, you must behave like a professional and cultured person. If you are too provoked to a quarrel, use the method of open protest with both the harmful employee and the boss, bluntly telling the latter what happened. Let a difficult colleague know that you understand what's what, and are not going to follow his lead, but go to the higher authorities - to the boss - for justice and fairness.
Bad subordinates. Some subordinates are so envious of their superiors that they take on the role of the Gossip, the Dormant but Deadly Volcano, the Instigator, the Slicker, the Smug Despot, or the Suspicious Skeptic. Subordinates should behave correctly with the boss, at least by virtue of their position, while the boss should respect the subordinates, while taking a position of authority. A boss who is dissatisfied with a subordinate must always remain calm, never give in to anger and not use the method of scandal. In dealing with harmful subordinates, it is necessary to master the methods of open protest and calm questions.
Bad professionals. There are harmful representatives of authority and there are harmful professionals: doctors, lawyers, businessmen, politicians and even psychologists. No matter how educated these people were, no matter how successful they were in school, later in medical institute, advocacy and successful delivery all examinations, this does not give them the right to consider themselves superior to others and insult them.
Too often professionals hide behind their titles and degrees, which make them feel more significant and powerful. Too often they display their venomous behavior as Vicious Upstart Tyrants, Doom Fighters, Competitors, Smiling Two-Faced Januses, Tramplers, Narcissists, Arrogant Snobs, Mentors, or Suspicious Skeptics.
Such harmful professionals must be put in their place. Their job is to help and support. And it doesn't matter how famous these doctors and lawyers are or how many articles have been written about them - first of all they are obliged to help you. You pay them money, you need their services, so don't be afraid of them. You have every right to ask them questions and expect to be treated with courtesy. It is best to use the method of calm questions when dealing with harmful professionals. The key word is calm. After all, they are also sensitive creatures and often take offense if your voice sounds like a complaint. They will start to defend themselves by talking down to you or being rude. Therefore, when communicating with them, it is extremely necessary to monitor your intonations.
Keep a calm and polite tone, loud enough, but not harsh or loud. If, despite your polite manner, their tone leaves much to be desired, use the method of open protest and say calmly but firmly that you prefer a more polite manner and will not tolerate humiliation.
Bad staff. bad people from service personnel can manifest themselves as Arrogant Snobs, Smug Despots, Consumers, Evil upstart tyrants, Chatterboxes, Competitors, Smiling two-faced Januses or Slicks. Perhaps many salespeople today are rude and ungracious because they are jealous of your ability to buy what they cannot afford. They would gladly be in your place - the place of the buyer, not the seller.
Whatever makes such people poisonous, you should not suffer from it. Now you have the opportunity to adequately get out of unpleasant situations. An open protest must be applied to harmful members of the service personnel. If it does not help, try the mirror method, and if it does not work, do not accept their help at all. Better use the method of scandal and retreat - leave and do not pay for services not rendered.
Do you have a choice
Harmful people poison our lives from all sides. They seep into our daily affairs from everywhere. But stop running and hiding. If the image of a harmful person is applicable to someone you know and you understand what it is about him that repels you, perhaps this understanding alone will be enough. In fact, to understand everything means to forgive, and you no longer have to accumulate unpleasant feelings in yourself.
It is terribly unpleasant when people say nasty things to us. Indignation, resentment, anger and other negative feelings arise inside and grow by leaps and bounds. And now they are already overflowing so that thoughts are confused and the mind is clouded. In actions, you can cross the threshold of adequacy.
Have you ever come across a situation where people say all sorts of nasty things about you? If you have, then this article is for you. With the help of Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology, we will consider what kind of people say nasty things and why.
talk nasty things - is to express dislike
I remember one story from my childhood.I was in first grade. And on the way to school I always met two girls.They studied in a parallel class, were friends. And they always went to school together. And I walked alone. They were always yelling at me some kind of teaser and laughing out loud. It seems that nothing dangerous happened to me. But I felt for them hatred. Still remember the feeling fear and danger. I even dreamed of walking along a different road, which, unfortunately, did not exist.
Probably, almost everyone can remember a similar story.
Why can children say nasty things and feel hostility, it would seem, innocent creatures? When adult men and women say nasty things, you can somehow explain it to yourself. It happens, and there is a reason. But children?
System-Vector Psychology Yuri Burlan reveals the reasons why people say nasty things.
It was a discovery for me when I learned that dislike arose from the time of primitive man, due to the need to limit food:
- Today was an unsuccessful hunt, we did not manage to bring a single mammoth into the cave.
- And what do we do now? How to survive if there is not enough food for everyone?
- Save stock!
- But I want to eat! I am still a primitive animal and cannot limit my desire for food. I have a desire to eat my neighbor. But according to the laws of the pack, I cannot eat it, because then we will all die. Therefore, I hate him, but I tolerate my dislike.
In the strongest tension - "I want but I can not!" - enmity towards one's neighbor arises. And in order to save himself, primitive man begins to sublimate hostility into socially useful activity.
The more benefit he brought to his flock, that is, to other people, the more secure he can feel in it. For example, he learned how to make a stone ax and became an indispensable specialist. Now for the primitive flock it needs to be protected more. This is the way the human species survives. - be helpful to others.
And to this day, a person increases his value through professional implementation in society. - from stone ax to spaceship. And the natural hostility with which a child is born is the impetus for its development.
When we watch babies in the sandbox, kindergarten - in terms of their level of development, they do not differ much from primitive man: they fight, push, take away toys from each other. Having learned to speak, they begin to call names. The child tries to preserve himself and ensure his rank according to his mental properties.
And only in the process of education a cultural layer is laid, and children learn to empathize, sympathize, compassion and love. Culture limits dislike. A well-bred child behaves in a team in a completely different way - he knows how to negotiate, stand up for the weak and listen to an adult, respect the feelings of another person. Thus, through culture, humanity develops from a hostile species into a sensual one.
But if it happens that the environment in which the child develops is not able to help him overcome the archetypal hostility, to form cultural values, the child grows up malevolent, that is, experiencing joy from the fact that another is bad.
To speak nasty things to a person is to express your dislike. In terms of content, they can be very different - foul language, ridicule, gossip and slander. But the root of all these insults is natural hostility, the desire to “eat” another. IN modern world psychologically, of course.
Why do we say nasty things
In addition to a lack of cultural education, men or women can say nasty things when they experience frustrations - negative states arising from the inability to get what they want or be realized in society.
Realization occurs through the fulfillment of natural desires, which for each person make up their own unique composition - a set of vectors.
The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan reveals to us the eight-dimensional matrix of the general mental, as well as the properties, features and characteristics of each vector. Thanks to this, one can observe and understand what desires drive a person, how much his properties have developed and how strong his frustrations are.
"I want and I don't get"- is the strongest internal stress. People who say nasty things, in this way, release this tension through others.
Moreover, verbal expressions and "special effects" in people with different properties have their own characteristics.
For example, a not very developed and unrealized person with a good friend will definitely “wash the bones” to another. Talking nasty things - in the form of dirtying and criticizing, being offended - this is his favorite pastime: “There is Lenka from the sales department - all in sables and diamonds, and what a scary thing, a long nose, eyes like a fish, and what do the men find in her? I send…”. Expressions in the form of toilet vocabulary are also characteristic of a person with an anal vector: “What, are your hands growing out of w...?” and the like.
Nasty things in the form of gossip, lies and slander are loved by unrealized people with an oral vector. They will definitely come up with a story that everyone will believe and a feature of which will be a sexual plot: “I saw her with one man, then with another, and he, my friend, told me sooooo about her ...”. An undeveloped person with an oral vector will “decorate” his speech with swear words.
“Refined” and “refined” nasty things can be said by an unrealized person with a visual vector. As a rule, he evaluates other people according to some intellectual and behavioral patterns that he himself has created. Convinced of his superiority, he speaks ironically and dismissively about people who do not meet his criteria for development. And in words often there can be nothing offensive. The "sophistication" here lies in the intonation, which can be accompanied by a rolling of the eyes, a shrug of the shoulders. All this makes communication with such a snob extremely unpleasant.
Whatever properties a person possesses, if he is happy and feels good, he will not feel hostility and say nasty things to other people. Not only words, but also the intonation with which a person speaks is an indicator of his inner state.
Who hurts the most when they say nasty things about him
Of course, it is unpleasant for every person to hear nasty things about himself from strangers. It is even worse when people from close circle say nasty things - work colleagues, family members, friends. When we find out about this - wow, how it becomes bad at heart.
People with the anal-visual ligament of vectors feel the greatest pain. Their inner desire- be good to everyone. They are ready to do something for another just like that, for ordinary human gratitude, it is difficult for them to say “no” to someone. Therefore, work colleagues and relatives often use their reliability and consider it in the order of things.
And what is it like for such a person to hear nasty things being said behind his back? Pain and resentment can close his heart to other people for a long time.
What to do if they say nasty things
When we do not know and do not understand the true reasons why men or women can say nasty things, we, of course, suffer a lot. You can and should change your environment and seek to associate with those who inspire confidence, encourage and inspire. But is it always easy to change your environment? After all, people are not a wardrobe that can be changed in one fell swoop: throw away old things, buy new ones, and it seems that new life started.
You can start sorting things out. Protect your honor and dignity, demand an apology. This is correct if there is sufficient mental resource and stress resistance. And you can’t put a scarf on every mouth.
The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan makes it possible to learn to calmly and without pain react to situations when people say nasty things behind their backs, to understand their internal states and the true reasons for their hostility. Without accusation and condemnation, it is easy to understand why this is happening, and not give the expected reaction that can harm, but make informed and effective decisions for each specific situation.
“... It so happened that my father was always distinguished by excessive irascibility and aggression, which he splashed out on the people around him.
Spontaneously, at the sight of a random passerby man on the street, there was severe discomfort and the reactions I observed - burst into tears from impotence, or aggression and the desire to attack first - both were incredibly difficult to restrain ... "
“... The constant oppressive feeling of anxiety is gone, I always feel balanced and calm, not detached, but calm.
I’ll tell you a secret, I was an outcast at school (to put it mildly), you can imagine what an achievement it is to stop hating and despising people, I begin to reach out to them, take an interest, I know what exactly and to whom I need to say in order to automatically endear myself. Communication has become more convenient and comfortable for me and especially for others :)
I feel people that they love, what they live with, what can be expected from this or that, who can and cannot be trusted. I would not want my story to be boring, I’ll just say: if you have a feeling of anxiety, fear (for yourself and others), depression, apathy, lack of hope for tomorrow, doubts about yourself and your loved ones, irritability, resentment on a person who seems impossible to forget - you can handle it. Come to class and you won't regret it. Tested on myself…”
You can start learning to understand the full depth of a person’s mental properties, his desires, how they differ, how they develop and are filled, at the free online lectures “System Vector Psychology” by Yuri Burlan.
The article was written using the materials of Yuri Burlan's online training "System-Vector Psychology"
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