You are sometimes annoyed by both your husband and your child, you cannot contain your irritation and start screaming, getting angry, indignant, or showing your aggression in some other way. The husband also yells at you in response, the child cries, hysteria and it turns out vicious circle from which it is not easy to get out. Then, after the emotions subsided, you feel a sense of guilt, it eats you from the inside. You promise yourself again and again that you will continue to control yourself, but soon a new situation occurs and you scream again. How to stop lashing out at loved ones?
A lot of women come to me with this request. I would even say the majority. And they all want to understand how to learn to control their emotions and stop being angry. So that's what I want to tell you. If you close the spout of a boiling kettle, it will explode. And this is dangerous, both for the teapot itself and for others. What to do to make it stop boiling? Switch off! That is, the reason why the kettle boils is clear. He stands on fire, which warms him up. Do you understand why you're angry? Before you can figure out how to stop lashing out at your loved ones, you need to find the real reason why you're doing it! Sometimes the reason lies deeper than you might think. For example, lack of a resource or dissatisfaction with life is often a superficial reason for a breakdown. Deep is completely different, namely, how much repressed aggression is inside you.
Suppressed aggression is an emotion of anger (including resentment), which does not find a way out, but is driven into the depths of your soul. That is, when a loved one offended you, hurt you, but you did not express your “fee” to him, did not defend your boundaries, but remained silent. The more often this is repeated, the more aggression inside you and this aggression must find a way out. Sometimes this is psychosomatics - then the emotion of anger is expressed as an illness at the level of the physical body. Sometimes filled with alcohol. And sometimes breaks out in the form of an uncontrolled stream. You are like a glass full to the brim, which is only a little touched - it spills. That is why it is simply impossible to control aggression!
To stop lashing out at loved ones, you need to release it, pour out the contents of the glass, and then even a good shake will not cause spilled water!
Where does all this suppressed aggression come from in most cases? Powerful parents (or one of them), who brought up in fear, constantly shouted, punished, demanded, and the child in fear suppressed his negative emotions. They do not disappear anywhere, but accumulate in the energy field! Therefore, in order to understand how to stop lashing out at loved ones, you need to release the suppressed aggression within yourself!
This is about forgiving parents, and about lifting the ban on the expression of negative feelings and emotions, and about stopping trying to be good, comfortable, and just being yourself. Some people come to this on their own, but it is still important to work with a professional psychologist to bring out aggression.
What can a person do on their own? From this moment on, you can direct your aggression not at your loved ones, and not deep into yourself, but, for example, at objects. This is beating a pillow (a punching bag), and unrestrained screaming in the mountains, and mastering respiratory therapy, and writing angry letters. But if we talk about deep suppressed aggression, then only a specialist will help you awaken emotions by touching on precisely the pain point, and then competently and environmentally bring these emotions out.
With love, Yulia Kravchenko
“As a child, my parents often punished me physically, shouted, called names. I thought that when I grew up, I would never repeat their mistakes. Now I notice the same thing behind me: as soon as something doesn’t suit me, I start raising my voice, insulting and humiliating a person (most often, a husband). I am afraid that in the future this will happen with my child, and the situation, as in childhood, will repeat itself. Why is this happening, and how to solve this problem? I don't want to take it out on my loved ones!"
Tatyana (23 years old)
Psychologist's answer:
Why, as adults, do we repeat the behavior of our parents, although we always considered it wrong? First of all, if you were often suppressed in childhood or in the period of formation in society, and you were worried about this and regularly experienced stress, then this is definitely a trauma that does not just go away. The consequence of such a trauma is the so-called post-traumatic syndrome: already in adulthood, you find yourself in a similar situation and unconsciously “fall through” into moments from childhood.
To deal with the situation First, learn to separate the past from the present. In fact, growing up and separating from your parents does not happen when you start living on your own. You mature when you separate emotionally from them. This means that in your conscious adult life you stop repeating their behavior if you don't like it. Emotionally, an adult person knows how to separate the past from the present and adequately assess the situation right in the moment. So, understand that the relationship with your spouse has nothing to do with what it was many years ago.
Secondly, analyze your reaction and look at it from the other side. Say to yourself, “At that moment, my parents chose this behavior because they just couldn’t handle me. This was their response to what was happening. They could not withstand the situation in a different way, because their condition and psyche were not prepared for this. Understand that your parents yelled at you because they did not know how to act in such a situation differently. This does not mean at all that you were to blame for this, and this does not mean that it is right to behave this way.
Obviously, this is a wrong behavior that should not be dragged into your own life.
Finally, third, analyze your unconscious reaction. To mature emotionally, you need to learn to analyze your unconscious behavior. Try each of your unconscious reactions on yourself to understand whether it suits you or not. If not, put it on the shelf from which you took it, having analyzed the situation into its components: “I behave the way my parents did to me. They could not stand it and broke into a scream, but this has nothing to do with me.
Hello dear friends!
It happens that the behavior of others causes tremendous irritation. There are two explanations for this phenomenon. The first says that people really do some stupid things and provoke you themselves, but the other reason is more dangerous.
Its essence affects the complex anger at the whole world, and specifically - at this person because he breathes. In these two cases, it is necessary to learn how to develop a sound value judgment and, of course, train the ability to control your own emotions. How not to get annoyed with people and feel free and independent?
For today's material, I have prepared several effective techniques that effectively help to pacify the evil lightning that strives to escape! The desire to incinerate with a glance, to respond caustically to compromising behavior and discontent expressed personally is nothing more than your personal protest. There are two stages of getting out of the current impasse of a negative attitude towards the world:
- stop being angry at people;
- stop being angry at yourself.
1. Should not
Very often people misunderstand the word "should". They create the most powerful image of a person, and when it falls out of it, this triggers a further mechanism of destruction.
If you do not let go of your idea of what duties a person can or does not perform, then life will become easier for you first of all. Disappointment from expectations - this is what overwhelms a person who obsessively believed in a fictional hero.
Naturally, there are standards of decency defined by society. But this does not mean that everyone around should behave perfectly or in the way we would like.
And if, because of every time the picture does not match the idea in our head, we will throw a tantrum or fall into despair, then the chance to earn a neurosis or simply ruin our nerves will increase.
What to do? First, stop expecting too much. Especially from loved ones. Give an adequate assessment to others, accepting them as they are. Secondly, you need to let go of the desire to control the situation, the remarks and behaviors of individuals.
2. And to talk heart to heart?
I don't think it's useful. Otherwise, you wouldn't be reading this article. It is also possible that by expressing such feelings, you feel your own superiority.
This happens with people whose self-esteem is at a critical level of decline. By criticizing what is happening or actions, the process of throwing out negativity from the depths of experiences is faster and they feel relieved.
But is it really necessary to increase self-esteem in this way? Your well-being and sense of self will improve a lot if you focus on what YOU are doing, and not other people.
3. Don't stand on the sidelines!
Pessimism, negative emotions and irritability form an explosive tandem. Constant obsession with painful moments makes a person find a reason to scandal.
The reason for this is too long suppression of emotions and fear of expressing them due to condemnation. But before rushing from one extreme to another, it is worth understanding the principle of interaction with the rising desire to participate in conflict situations.
In a moment of nervous overstrain, restraining oneself is not an easy task. When someone annoys us, similar traits similarly echo in ourselves!
At such moments, we can say a lot of nasty things, gloat excessively, pour out in sarcasm and become defensive in the scorpion pose. But then we always regret.
How to help yourself? Take a deep breath. Try to comfort yourself with the thought that you are in a safe place and people don't want to intentionally hurt you.
In the case when a colleague at work allowed himself an extra remark - do not be silent. Express your opinion with restraint and coldness, as if you were a disinterested observer.
If a colleague plays you all the time in this way, and you always give out the same reaction - anger and lightning, then it is worth re-reading point number 2 again.
4. Don't try to please everyone
It is worth clarifying one simple truth- No need to try to win over all people without exception.
Understand, no matter what you do and no matter what you do, there will always be people who are ready to condemn you. And at the same time, there will be those who, regardless of what is happening, will always be on your side of the barricades.
The desire to please everyone is selfish and does not decorate you as a person. Prove that you good man not shouting nasty things in your face, but living a full life, happy life in spite of the whispers from behind.
In this way, you will spare a couple of nerve cells in the brain and begin to follow your own unique route without becoming the person you promised you would never be.
5. Surveillance
I would advise you to resort to the "observer" technique in order to see the result of irritability firsthand. Look at yourself in anger from the outside in the example of people you might meet on the street.
Do they look like the embodiment of something kind, bright and welcoming at the moment of grumbling with saliva? I think no. Do they look like unbalanced people that you want to stay away from? Probably yes.
Being annoyed with someone, you gradually turn into the person that causes disgust. And do you really want it?
6. Let go of resentment
When all attempts to look perfect for other people fail, we experience animal horror. Rejection of oneself makes one feel resentment towards “bad” relatives. They show you your inferiority and weaknesses.
The formation of resentment and its careful wearing under the heart is very dangerous. The harm to health caused by it is colossal! It can be problems with the psyche, stomach and immune system.
More and more specialists and doctors are confident that oncological diseases arise precisely because of deep, emotional resentment. Irritability, as a product of low self-esteem and erroneous judgments, can infect you not only with negative attitudes, but simply destroy a couple of years of life.
Relying on the mistakes of other people, seeing the world in gray tones and imperfection, will not bring anything good and joyful to your consciousness. So why do you need to continue on the path of self-destruction? Start changing now! Positive thinking helps to cope with explosiveness here and now! Feeling a build-up of discontent, try to leave the room or just smile. Check in practice how a smile and proper breathing will make you calmer.
Friends, this is the point.
See you on the blog, bye bye!
