I can't do what I want. Why do people do things they don't want to do? Life guidelines, or Why we act in one way or another

I did a poll: why is it that you don't do what you want? The answers came in a variety of ways, but they can be conditionally divided into several types.

Below I give these reasons, diluted with quotes from the comments.

Reason one. perfectionism

Of course. Where without him. I didn't even doubt it would come up.

The well-known phenomenon of “perfectionist paralysis”: when the desire to do everything perfectly turns into doing nothing.

Noticed for yourself - inhibits the desire to do everything perfectly. But very often - for the result, it is better to do it quickly, and with errors, than perfectly and never!

You can assure yourself as much as you want that you want the perfect result. But perfectionism is never about the result. It's about fears and an unsatisfied ego. He . There is simply no perfect result in a non-ideal world!

an important matter is so big that the fear of starting, even unreasonable, interferes.

Then the same question comes to the rescue: “How will you understand that you have achieved THE SAME result? What are the criteria for the result that is needed and necessary in this situation? That's when the specifics begin.

The second reason. Excess Wishlist

This is a very interesting reason, which resonated very a large number my friends.

I so want to start / say / do it quickly that my head runs ahead of my hands and comes up with a new idea. The old against the background of the new depreciates a little, hence the uncertainty that I still want it and, as a result, NOT doing a single one. Because after each new one there is another new one, and there is no longer enough energy to bring the old ones to the desired state.

ideas were thought up for a couple of volumes, and you start sorting through and you don’t know what to take on - everything is so interesting that you want everything at once. I dose, pull myself, put in a queue, tried and scatter through the windows - all the same, what I'm interested in at the moment wins.

If I had this, I would ask myself the question: what do I really want to achieve by starting a new business? We used to think that if we start something new, then we want to see the result. This is true, but the result may be different! Perhaps, when you start knitting a scarf, you do not want a scarf, but the pleasure of creativity? Maybe you just want some special emotions or state? Or maybe the intermediate result is enough for you, for example, you have already knitted a scarf by a third, and that’s it, it lets you go, because your score has been reached?

What exactly do I want from my new idea? How will I know that I have achieved the same result?

If I don’t understand what I really want to get, then naturally attention is scattered on several objects, and it turns out that nothing is given due attention, but something is completely abandoned.

And such a “scatter of wishlists” leads to the fact that there are more wishlists than you have - real forces.

there are much more desires than resources: temporary and others. Then it turns out: the desire is sincere, there is motivation, but the hands do not reach

There is a good exercise for this. Make a list of all the things you want/need to do today. And then next to each task, put an approximate time for its completion. This is a good check with reality: is it possible to do everything that you have planned for yourself in the allotted time? Maybe all this will take you as much as three days? After all, we often plan more than we can really do, and then we ask ourselves the question “How can we do it all?”. No way! Planning needs to change. First, identify your priorities. Then - objectively evaluate the available resources and allocate time and effort to the most important.

By the way, if a person knows such a feature about himself (that he starts a lot, and rarely brings it to the end), then this realization alone can easily demotivate.

It’s interesting to start, most often, and when you start, it’s not interesting and too lazy to continue ... As soon as I think about it, I don’t start :)))

Reason three. Laziness

In fact, laziness does not exist. What is called laziness is unwillingness. You are not lazy. You just I do not want to do this. And, if this is true, then I want to ask a question: why was it important for you to take on a task that you do not want to do?

Doubts may be whether this is exactly what I want. If I WANT exactly, then I do it quickly.

When I get a task that causes my reluctance, I analyze where it came to me from. Then I either understand where it came from, and what distant goal it brings closer, and there is a DESIRE to do it. Or I understand that, which means I can refuse it. And don't do it at all.

If you don’t do it, then you really don’t want it enough to spend energy on it.

Reason four. Until the time

Not "ripe" yet. There is no willingness to do so. From the outside it may sound strange, but it seems to me that almost everyone is familiar with it.

I think a lot about this: why must it “ripen” first, and if it hasn’t “ripened”, then it won’t be written, it won’t be done, it won’t start, and if you set to work with a “kick” by force, then it still won’t be good until will not “ripen” somewhere in the soul or in the head ...

Interestingly, this problem is not solved by a kick or willpower. While there are no resources for this task and / or some necessary component is missing. Sooner or later, resources and a component will be found, or the task will lose its relevance.

When you think about it, you immediately ask yourself the question: is it possible to shorten this time so that it “ripens”? I think it's possible, but is it really? need to?

Also, what I would call “rational-looking postponing” fits perfectly into the “not yet” reason. This is when you say to yourself: well, I’ll start running from Saturday, I’ll wait better than monday. Although Monday Saturday nothing objectively better. Or: I will not sign up for this training yet, I will first read a few books on the topic to understand. Or: now I can’t afford to go to a master class in painting, I must first knit a sweater.

Waiting for a “convenient moment” (“when no one interferes”, “when there are 4 hours free”, “when I study the issue enough”, “when I finish what has already been started”), etc.

From the outside, such arguments are often sewn with white thread and bursting at the seams, but from the inside they feel quite reasonable. However, in essence it is procrastination, caused by a well-disguised reluctance to do.

Reason five. Hands don't reach

This is partly due to the reason “an excess of Wishlist”, but not only. We are talking about situations in general when there is more planned and necessary than you have time and energy.

When you say "hands don't reach this", what it really means is "hands reach a lot of other things, but not this". So they are on to something! Until what? And why is your life the way it is? And are you really satisfied with this state of affairs? And if not, what would you like to change?

Reason six. Fear of failure

I don't believe it will work. I'm afraid that I will try - and nothing will come of it, then is it worth it to start?

This fear often clashes with logic and reasonable arguments...and it doesn't help.

Consciously reflecting, I am not afraid to screw up, because I have never been an excellent student. But in the subconscious there is something else.

You're not even afraid that it won't work. And the fact that it does not work out, and you will become the object of ridicule - others or yourself. You are afraid of the inner Critic, afraid of not meeting your own ideas about yourself, afraid that you are not as strong, smart and beautiful as you think about yourself - and you are not able to withstand this truth.

one of the main reasons for inhibition and procrastination is self-doubt and fear that nothing will work out, thereby I will receive a negative assessment of others

To overcome fear, you need to call on something that is stronger than it, and shift the focus of attention from your own person to something more.

For what - bright, motivating, inspiring, beautiful goal - would you still be ready to do this? What inspires you so much that you stop being afraid?

Reason seven. Wrong priorities

Oh, it's very simple. It just seems to me that I need it and I want it. Not really. But to understand this, you must first examine your priorities. What is truly important to me, and what just seems so?

The point is largely in the truth of goals and objectives. At least I keep track of it. What is mine, what is not mine, what seems to be mine, but is actually imposed. Hence laziness, and lack of energy, and procrastination.

Reason eight. Fear to start

In part, this fear is associated with the fear of failure, but it can also manifest itself. When you're just having a hard time... getting started. Open the Word, take the knitting needles, get up from the chair, open the trunk. You know for sure that as soon as you start, you will get involved and at least partially do it (this is true, we are arranged in such a way that, as soon as we start, we are in the flow for some time). But it's hard to get started. It seems to you that the task is more difficult than it really is.

How to deal with this, I have not yet figured out. I think that the best medicine is to start doing before you start to reflect and be lazy.

Reason nine. No forces

Constant fatigue. Maybe you are sick. Maybe you are depressed. Maybe some occupation is forced to take all your strength. But the result is the same - not enough strength.

Either way, you need to get out of this. Take medications prescribed by your doctor. Do yoga or meditation to restore energy and become stronger. Remove everything unnecessary from your life. Or just be patient until the end of this period. But get out for sure.

Reason ten. No clear outcome in the near future

Most of us (most, but not all) are wired in such a way that we would rather eat a cookie now than a cake a month from now. In this sense, all tasks formulated globally are demotivating. Because, for example, the goal of “knitting a scarf” is clear and self-evident: when you knit a scarf, you will have a scarf. But the goal is to learn English language” or “take care of your health” - what is it about? Let's say I started learning English. What will it bring me, specifically?

My intentions related to the postponed result are “on the back burner”. That is, for example, washing a window or dismantling a closet is no problem, but starting to study something regularly is no way.

If this is your case then good advice will be , focusing on the short nearest segments.

What result will satisfy me in a month? How will I understand that I'm done in a week? The answers to these questions will help, firstly, to focus, and secondly, to feel the taste of success and victory.

Perhaps at first your requirements for yourself will be too high, and you will realize that you achieve only 60-70% of what you planned. But it's still much better than feeling like you haven't achieved anything.

But still... why?

Ever since I started coaching, I have been extremely interested in one topic. Why, for what reasons we act and, conversely, do nothing? Why, in one case, we just take it and do it, or even rush along without sorting out obstacles, in another case, we need to force ourselves to get the job done, and in the third, we don’t even want to lift a finger? What distinguishes the first tasks from the second, and the second from the third? What is it another contained in those tasks that are performed as if by themselves, and you don’t even need to think about them? What works or, on the contrary, does not work?

This question is not about motivation (how to help yourself to do something), it is deeper. About our deepest causes. About our choices, conscious and unconscious, our reactions, our priorities, our fears and our desires.

And here's what's interesting. After all, some things are still being done, despite fears. Why in one case is done, in the other the fear is stronger? Why do you think? Write in the comments.

Ludmila Prima
personal achievement coach

The question "Why doesn't the person do it?" tricky. Usually the answer lies in not knowing what to do and how to do it. But today, for the majority of “I want”, search engines give out hundreds of ideas and tips, no matter what it is: from losing weight to finding a vocation. If everything is so simple, then why not take it and do it?

Because the real problem is desire. But how to awaken it is a completely different question.

There are many reasons why people, even with strong motivation, manage to stagnate in one place. Below I present my options and I am sure that familiarity with them will help you move forward.

1. We don't know where to start

This is the first question that should arise when we have any desire. Only I'm not talking about "well, it would be nice", but about what you really want to do.

In this regard, people are divided according to the principle of "if" and "when". The first come up with a thousand conditions in order to start, and the second determine the next deadline.

If the question is “Where to start?” given on time, the process will get off the ground. Would you like to become? Today we sign up for courses, tomorrow we buy paints and canvas. A person is not ready to take minimal actions to realize a desire in only one case - if in fact he did not want it.

The truth is, as the Chinese proverb says, a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. Always.

2. We fail to prioritize

Okay, I know where to start. For example, I want to lose weight and I need to start by running. What's next? You need to buy sneakers, arrange with a friend, check the weather forecast ...

You need to get outside and run. Like Forrest Gump. Remember how it was in the movie?

- Why are you doing this?

“I just want to run.

When we have a desire and we decide on the first step, the second, third, fourth and, as a result, a couple of alternatives and distracting maneuvers appear in the head by inertia. Here we get lost and forget what we actually need.

The rule for dealing with this ailment is simple - always bring the first stage of the plan to the end.

Are you about to start? Put on your running shoes and go outside, do a couple of laps around the house. I'm serious right now. If you don’t like it now, with a full charge of motivation, then why would you suddenly like it later? Because you will be running in the stadium wearing your favorite T-shirt? Decide on priorities: try, finish and decide.

3. We make it hard

The favorite phrase of a person who does not want to change anything is "it's not that simple." No matter how much I have asked for examples of what exactly this complex “everything” includes, so far to no avail. Each time it turned out that it was possible to find an alternative and adjust. There would be a desire.

Anything that is broken down into smaller tasks is easier to accomplish. To make myself seem not so easy lose 10 kg, but it's pretty easy to spend 15 minutes a day exercising and eliminating refined sugar from the diet.

I agree, there are situations when we do not complicate everything, but the situation turns out to be really difficult. Then ask yourself: “How to simplify everything?” I will never believe that no alternative can be found.

4. We are afraid

The bricks are used to build a wall around the comfort zone. “I feel good here, so it will be bad outside.” Therefore, everything new is perceived by us with hostility. Based on this, people are divided into two categories.

The first are conservatives. They are afraid to change something, they do not try anything and live in their bubble all their lives. It's fine if he's okay with it. Provided that a person does not want changes, but at the same time achieves what he wants and is happy, the flag is in his hands.

The second are innovators. On the contrary, they are afraid to stop. For them, fear is born in the question “What if I leave everything as it is?”. They are afraid of losing time, health, relationships and therefore put more effort.

In both cases, the person is afraid. Only in the first case, fear makes him stand, and in the second - to move and change.

Ask yourself: “What if I leave everything as it is?” If the answer suits you, congratulations, sign up for a group of happy conservatives. If not, it's time to change something.

These reasons, of course, are by no means exhaustive. I have highlighted the ones that I have come across. I hope they will help you avoid my mistakes.

As athlete Joe Lewis said, "You only live once, but if you do everything right, then that's enough."

The advice to “do only what you want” is perceived by our citizens as a call to anarchy. They consider their greatest desires to be certainly vile, vicious, dangerous to others. People are sure that they are secret bespredelschik and are simply afraid to give themselves free rein! I see this as a serious symptom of a general neurosis.

You tell a man: do what you want! And he: what are you doing! Is it possible?!

The answer is: if you consider yourself a good person, then yes. It is possible and necessary. wishes good man coincide with the interests of others.

Six rules that have helped more than a dozen people get out of neurosis - the result of 30 years of practice. This does not mean that I have been thinking about them for 30 years. Rather, one day they themselves spontaneously lined up, like the periodic table in Mendeleev's head when he woke up.

The rules are simple at first glance:

1. Do only what you want.
2. Don't do what you don't want to do.
3. Say what you don't like right away.
4. Don't answer when not asked.
5. Answer only the question.
6. Finding out the relationship, talk only about yourself.

Let me explain how they work. Every neurotic in childhood receives a certain irritant in his life, and not even one. Since this is an annoyingly repetitive stimulus, the child's psyche develops the same stereotypical reactions to it. For example, parents yell - the child is frightened and withdraws into himself, and since they are constantly yelling, the child is constantly in fear and depression. It grows and the behavior continues to take hold. An irritant is a reaction, an irritant is a reaction. This is how it goes year after year. During this time, strong nerve connections are formed in the brain, the so-called reflex arc - nerve cells lined up in a certain way, which make them react in the usual way to any similar stimulus. (And if the child was beaten or even abandoned? Can you imagine what reactions he develops to life?)

So, to help a person overcome fears, anxieties, insecurity, low self-esteem - this arc needs to be broken. Create new connections, their new order. And there is only one way to do this "without the use of a lobotomy": with the help of actions that are unusual for a neurotic.

He needs to start act differently, break their behavioral stereotypes. And when there are clear instructions on how to behave in each specific situation, it is easier to change. Without thinking, without reflecting, without referring to one's own (negative) experience. For life in general, it doesn't matter what you think - only what you feel and what you do matters.

My rules offer a mode of behavior that is completely uncharacteristic of neurotics and, on the contrary, is characteristic of mentally healthy people: calm, independent, with high self-esteem those who love themselves.

The first point causes the greatest resistance, a lot of questions, doubts, as well as accusations against me. They tell me what is this? “Love yourself, sneeze at everyone, and success awaits you in life”? Although I never say anything about “spit on everyone”.

For some reason, everyone stubbornly believes that to live as you want yourself means to live to the detriment of others. In addition, in our society there is a contemptuous attitude towards one's own desires, as if they must necessarily be base. And vicious. I would even say that our citizens treat their desires with apprehension or even fear. The concept is: “Just give me free rein! I uuh! Then I won't be stopped! (Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll or things like "I'll kill everyone here!" and "I'm scary in anger!)" If this is really what he wants, then what kind of person is this? Further, he usually admits that he needs a firm hand, a strong bridle, and so on. In my opinion, such a psychology is called slave.

There is another concept. Mom's favorite cry after (possibly father) was: "You can't live the way you want!" And what worse did she say about those who live like that (perhaps about her father). My grandmother had a saying: “We do not live for joy, but for conscience,” and the whole family had a sign: if we laugh a lot today, then we will cry tomorrow. The result is that a person with an anxious psyche cannot organically do what he wants. Even determine what exactly he wants - can not. He is, as it were, to blame in advance and is sure that retribution will come for fulfilled desires, and therefore it is necessary to behave “as it should be” preventively.

And “do what you want” is often confused with “be selfish.” But there is a big difference! The egoist does not accept himself and cannot calm down in any way. He is absolutely obsessed with himself, his problems and inner experiences, the main of which is a feeling of resentment. He cannot help or sympathize with you, not at all because he is so bad, but because he does not have the spiritual strength for this. After all, he has a stormy, exciting relationship with himself. And it seems to everyone that he is insensitive, callous, cold, that he doesn’t give a damn about everyone, and at this time he thinks that it’s just that no one cares about him! And continues to accumulate resentment.

And what is a person who loves himself? It's the one who will always choose a cause to which his soul lies. And when it is necessary to decide what to do, he may figure out what is effective, what is reasonable, as a sense of duty dictates, and then he will do as he WANTS. Even if he loses money on it. And he has a lot to lose. But who is he to be offended by? He is fine. He lives among those he loves, he works where he likes ... He has everything agreed and harmonious with himself, and therefore he is kind to others and open to the world. And he respects the wishes of others as much as he respects his own.

And by the way, that is why he does not have that internal conflict that is typical for neurotics living a double life. For example, with his wife - out of a sense of duty, and with his mistress just out of a feeling. And then he buys a gift for his wife because “it’s necessary”, and not because he WANTS to please her. Or he goes to work because he likes what he does, and not because he has a loan and he hopes to endure another five years in this office hell. Here it is - duality!

Wanting to achieve results, many consider it their duty to fight with themselves, suppress emotions, say to themselves: never mind, I'll get used to it! The result, achieved without struggle and self-overcoming, apparently does not please them. Here is a universal example of such a struggle: on the one hand, she wants to eat, and on the other, she wants to lose weight. And even if he loses weight, he loses. She is at a loss to herself because she still dreams of a cake, especially closer to one in the morning. (We will talk about the connection between overweight, overeating and neuroses of all stripes. And the connection is direct).

Well, that's about what I say to my clients when I explain the first and probably the most important of my six rules. Which, by the way, I myself try to live. And I will not pretend that it was easy for me. It takes a lot of effort in the beginning to "live the way you want to." The psyche habitually leads you along the path of compromises and fears, and you catch yourself by the hand and say: damn, what am I doing? I don't want this! And so many times, after which it becomes easier and easier to make decisions. For your own benefit, but not to the detriment of someone else. I know that I am a good person, which means that my desires will not create problems for anyone.

And frankly, it gets easier and easier to live. Moreover, having trained, after some time you can no longer do it differently. Sometimes you think “to act reasonably”, but contrary to desire and will, but the body is already resisting. As long as you don’t give up what you really don’t want, but seem to need. And joy comes. True, I have recently lost a decent income in this way, but income is better than health and joy.

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There is one thing that unites many of us, simple and therefore absurd - deep down everyone really knows what they want. Moreover, he sees the ways by which you can achieve your goal. We know how, we know how long it will take. The paradox is that, having such information, we do not take any action at all. Everyone has their own reasons, but we all know one thing: our inaction in the presence of strength, knowledge and time is unforgivable. So what's stopping you from going on a journey to follow your dreams? We found 8 reasons that may have an impact. Having understood them, you will finally set your priorities. Nothing else will stop you and make you turn off your path.

As a rule, the strongest motivators for a person are fear or love, and the former can help you move forward, or it can slow you down. It would seem that a brilliant plan has matured in your head, an idea was born, but you do not start to implement it, but all because you are afraid. You, the opinions of others, evil tongues that can make fun of you and your dreams. And most importantly, fear is sometimes an excuse for laziness. But you are not the only one who is afraid and doubtful, and in this case, fear is neither an excuse nor a barrier. Remember:

1. There is not a single person who would not experience fear
2. Fear only indicates what needs special attention and improvement.
3. If you don’t conquer fear, it will accumulate and devour you from the inside, not allowing you to realize even half of your potential.
4. Often, fear is based on personal speculation, so you created many obstacles artificially only in your head.

perfectionism

You want to do everything perfectly, you want to work out every detail of your project, which is why you procrastinate, because you are waiting for the right moment, waiting for you to feel that you have gained experience. But all this only slows you down, preventing you from developing. Of course, each of us wants to achieve perfection, but it comes not from thoughts, but from action, so desire alone cannot help here. Sometimes perfectionism is imaginary and only slows you down, and the desire to do everything flawlessly takes precedence over common sense. Forget it, just start doing what you gotta do. Mistakes are inevitable, but this is exactly what will make you better. At the very least, you need to stop waiting for the right moment and the perfect set of circumstances, because you understand that such a moment may never present itself.

Momentum and motivation may disappear

There are people who, on the way to the goal, set clear rules for themselves, for example: wake up early in the morning, work through problematic issues every day, devote an hour to reading the necessary technical literature. They are motivated, charged, they are driven by an impulse of action that can very easily disappear. If you think that the loss of motivation is akin to failure, then you are greatly mistaken, because sometimes we have to do what we have to do, and not what we want. This is the essence of the winners. There are people who, while dieting for about 2 weeks, do not see results and give up this business, or having received one negative review about their activities, they are ready to close everything and turn off the chosen path. Running with your tail between your legs, at the very first difficulties, is the lot of the weak, and you are clearly not from that cohort. It's normal to wake up tired and not want to do what needs to be done. This does not mean that all your efforts are of no value. It only means that you are moving in the right direction, but you need to take a short break, say, for a day.

Comparison

We are so accustomed to comparing ourselves with other people that we may consider our skills and achievements worthless compared to them. If you are a photographer, then looking at the work of more professional colleagues, you may consider that their level is too high to try to reach it. If you have just finished your studies and come to work, it may seem that more experienced colleagues are the gods of knowledge, and you are just a smert who spent years learning his craft to no avail. But it's not. You can equal the best, strive to their level, but in no case should your own merits and knowledge be underestimated. Even compared to an idol. Yes, you are still not good enough to be on a par with your ideal. At the same time, you are still quite young and you know in which direction you should move, and this is worth a lot. Build on your strengths and never think that there is a bar that is too high for you.

A vicious circle of worries

Perhaps, because of work, you do not have enough time to realize yourself and

Sometimes some tasks and goals seem so grandiose that it seems as if it would be unrealistic to put them into practice. This is exactly what planning is for. Having calculated each step, understanding where to start and what actions to take, you will gradually draw a picture in your head, which will soon turn into a solid canvas. Systematization, strict adherence to the plan and schedule will help in your endeavor. And remember: crush the target, and do not try to take the bastion impudently, because you cut the watermelon into slices before you start eating it.

Alfried Lenglet , a famous Austrian psychotherapist, professor, one of the founders of existential analysis, gave a lecture in Moscow on the topic “Why don’t I do what I want? Making a decision, a method of strengthening the will. The online edition of Matrona.ru publishes the full text of the lecture.

The theme of the will is one that we deal with on a daily basis. We do not even go away from this topic. Every person who is here is here because he wants to be here. No one came here unwillingly. And whatever we do during the day, it is connected with our will. Whether we eat, whether we go to bed, whether we have some kind of conversation, whether we resolve some kind of conflict, we do this only if we have made a decision in favor of this and we have the will to do so.

Maybe we are not even aware of this fact, because we do not say “I want” so often, but we put it in such expressions as “I would like”, “I would do”. Because the wording “I want” conveys something very important. And will is really power. If I don't want to, nothing can be done. No one has power over me to change my will - only myself. In most cases, we are not even aware of this, but intuitively we have a feeling that it is the will that is meant here. Therefore, we say more gently "I would like", "I would like" or simply "I will go there". “I will go to this report” is already a decision. To complete this thought, which was a kind of introduction, I will say: often we do not even realize that every minute we want something.

I would like to divide my report into three parts: in the first part, describe the phenomenon of the will, in the second part, talk about the structure of the will, and in the third part, briefly mention the method of strengthening the will.

Will is present in our lives every day. Who is the person who wants? It's me. Only I control the will. Will is something absolutely my own. I identify myself with will. If I want something, then I know it's me. The will represents the autonomy of man.

Autonomy means that I make the law for myself. And through the will, determination itself is at our disposal, through the will I determine what I will do as the next step. And this already describes the task of the will. Will is the ability of a person to give himself a task. For example, I want to continue talking now.

Thanks to the will, I release my inner strength for some kind of action. I invest some strength and give it time. That is, will is an order to perform some action that I give to myself. As a matter of fact, that's all. I give myself permission to do something. And since I want this, I experience myself as free. If my father or professor gives me some assignment, then this assignment is of a different kind. Then I am no longer free if I follow this. Unless I add their commission to my will and say, "Yes, I will do it."

In our life, the will performs an absolutely pragmatic function - for us to come to action. Will is the bridge between the command center in me and the deed. And it's tied to me - because I only have my will. To set this will in motion is the task of motivation. That is, will is very closely related to motivation.

Motivation basically means nothing more than setting the will in motion. I can motivate my child to do homework. If I tell him why it's important, or if I promise him a chocolate bar. To motivate means to lead a person to want to do something himself. An employee, friend, colleague, child - or yourself. How can I motivate myself, for example, to study for an exam? In principle, by the same means by which I motivate the child. I can think why it matters. And I can promise myself a chocolate bar as a reward.

Let's summarize. First, we have seen that the will is a task that a person gives himself to do something. Secondly, the author of the will is myself. There is only one personal will of mine, in me. "Wants" none other than me. Thirdly, this will is at the center of motivation. To motivate means to set the will in motion.

And this puts a person before finding a solution. We have some kind of assumption, and we are faced with the question: “Do I want it or not?”. I have to make a decision - because I have freedom. Will is my freedom. If I want something, when I am free, I decide for myself, I fix myself in something. If I want something myself, no one forces me, I am not forced.

This is another pole of will - lack of freedom, compulsion. To be forced by some greater power - the state, the police, a professor, parents, a partner who will punish me if something happens, or because it may have bad consequences if I do not do something that the other wants. I can also be forced by psychopathology or mental disorders. This is precisely the characteristic of mental illness: we cannot do what we want. Because I have too much fear. Because I'm depressed and I don't have the strength. Because I'm addicted. And then I will again and again do what I do not want to do. Mental disorders are associated with the inability to follow one's will. I want to get up, do something, but I have no desire, I feel so bad, I'm so depressed. I have remorse for not getting up again. Thus, a depressed person cannot follow what he thinks is right. Or an anxious person cannot go to the exam, although he wants to.

In the will we find the solution and realize our freedom. This means that if I want something, and this is real will, then I have a special feeling - I feel free. I feel that I am not forced, and this suits me. This is again I, which realizes itself. That is, if I want something, I am not an automaton, a robot.

Will is the realization of human freedom. And this freedom is so deep and so personal that we cannot give it away to anyone. We cannot stop being free. We must be free. This is a paradox. Existential philosophy points to this. We are free to a certain extent. But we are not free not to want. We must want. We must make decisions. We have to do something all the time.

If I'm sitting in front of the TV, I'm tired and I fall asleep, I have to make a decision whether to continue sitting because I'm tired (this is also a decision). And if I cannot make a decision, then this is also a decision (I say that I cannot make a decision now, and I do not make any decision). That is, we constantly make decisions, we always have the will. We are always free because we cannot stop being free, as Sartre put it.

And since this freedom is located at a great depth, in the depths of our essence, the will is very strong. Where there is a will, there is a way. If I really want to, then I will find a way. People sometimes say: I don't know how to do something. Then these people have a weak will. They don't really want to. If you really want something, you will walk thousands of kilometers and become the founder of a university in Moscow, like Lomonosov. If I really do not want, no one can force my will. My will is absolutely my own business.

I remember one depressive patient who suffered from her relationship. She constantly had to do something that her husband forced her to do. For example, a husband would say, “Today I will drive in your car because mine ran out of gas.” Then she was forced to go to the gas station and because of this she was late for work. Similar situations were repeated again and again. There were many such examples.

I asked her, "Why not say no?" She replied, “Because of the relationship. I ask further:

But it won't improve the relationship, will it? Do you want to give him the keys?

Me not. But he wants.

Okay, he wants to. What do you want?

In therapy, counseling, this is very important step: see what is my own will.

We talked about it for a bit and she said:

Actually, I don't want to give him the keys, I'm not his maid.

And now there is a revolution in the relationship.

But, she says, I have no chance, because if I don't give him the keys, he will come and take them himself.

But before that, you can take the keys in your hands?

But then he will take the keys from my hands!

But if you don't want to, you can hold them tightly in your hand.

Then he will use force.

Maybe so, he's stronger. But that doesn't mean you want to hand over the keys. He cannot change your will. This can only be done by you. Of course, he can worsen the situation in such a way that you say: I've had enough. All this hurts so much that I no longer want to hold on to my will. It will be better if I give him the keys.

This means that it will be coercion!

Yes, he forced you. But you have changed your will.

It is important that we realize this: that the will belongs only to me and only I can change it, no one else. Because will is freedom. And we humans have three forms of freedom, and they all play a role in connection with the will.

The English philosopher David Hume wrote that we have freedom of action (for example, freedom to come here or come home, this is freedom directed outward).

There is another freedom that is above external forces, is freedom of choice, freedom of decision. I determine what I want and why I want it. Because there is value in it for me, because it suits me, and probably my conscience tells me that it is right - then I decide in favor of something, for example, to come here. This is preceded by freedom of decision. I found out what the topic would be, I thought it would be interesting, and I have a certain amount of time, and out of many opportunities to spend time, I choose one. I make up my mind, I give myself a task and realize freedom of choice into freedom of action by coming here.

The third freedom is the freedom of essence, this is intimate freedom. This is a feeling of inner harmony. Deciding to say yes. This "yes" - where does it come from? It is no longer something rational, it comes from some depth in me. This decision, connected with the freedom of the essence, is so strong that it can take on the character of an obligation.

When Martin Luther was accused of publishing his theses, he replied: "That's where I stand and I can't help it." Of course, he could have otherwise - he was smart person. But this would be so contrary to his essence that he would have the feeling that it would not be him, if he denied it, he would refuse it. These inner attitudes and beliefs are an expression of a person's deep freedom. And in the form of inner consent they are contained in any will.

The question of will can be more complicated. We talked about the fact that will is freedom, and in this freedom it is strength. But at the same time, will sometimes seems to be coercion. Luther can't help it. And in the freedom of decision there is also coercion: I must decide. I can't dance at two weddings. I can't be here and at home at the same time. That is, they force me to freedom. Maybe for tonight this is not such a big problem. But what should the will do if I love two women (or two men) at the same time and, moreover, equally strongly? I have to make a decision. For a while I can keep it a secret, hide it so that there is no need to make a decision, but such decisions can be very difficult. What decision should I make if both relationships are very valuable? It can make you sick, it can break your heart. It's the agony of choice.

We all know this in simpler situations: should I eat fish or meat? But it's not so tragic. Today I can eat fish, and tomorrow meat. But there are situations that are unique.

That is, freedom and will are also connected by coercion, obligation - even in freedom of action. If I want to come here today, then I must fulfill all the conditions so that I can come here: go by metro or by car, walk. I have to do something to get from point A to point B. In order to realize my will, I have to meet these conditions. Where is freedom here? This is a typical human freedom: I do something, and I am squeezed by the “corset” of conditions.

But maybe we should define what "will" is? Will is a decision. Namely, the decision to go for some value that you have chosen. I choose between the different values ​​of this evening and choose one and implement it by making a decision. I make up my mind and say my last yes to it. I say yes to this value.

It is possible to formulate the definition of will even more briefly. Will is my inner "yes" to some value. I want to read a book. The book is valuable to me because it good romance or the textbook I need to prepare for the exam. I say yes to this book. Or meeting a friend. I see some value in this. If I say yes, then I am also ready to make some effort to see him. I'm going to him.

Connected with this yes to value is some investment, some contribution, a willingness to pay for it, to do something, to become active. If I want, then I myself go in this direction. This is a big difference compared to just wanting. It is important to make a distinction here. Desire is also a value. I wish myself a lot of happiness, health, to meet a friend, but wishing does not contain a readiness to do something for this myself - because in desire I remain passive, I wait for it to come. I want my friend to call me and I'm waiting. In many things I can only wait - there is nothing I can do. I wish you or myself a speedy recovery. Everything that could be done has already been done, only the value of recovery remains. I tell myself and the other that I see this as a value and I hope it happens. But this is not the will, because the will is to give oneself the commission of some action.

There is always a good reason for will. I had a good reason to come here. And what is the basis or reason for coming here? This is exactly what value is. Because I see something good and valuable in it. And this is a reason for me, an agreement to go for it, maybe take a risk. Maybe it turns out that this is a very boring report, and then I wasted the evening on it. Doing something with the will always involves some risk. Therefore, the will includes an existential act, because I take risks.

There are two points of misunderstanding about the will. Will is often confused with logic, rational in the sense that I can only want what is reasonable. For example: after four years of study, it is reasonable to go to the fifth year and finish your studies. You can't want to stop studying in four years! It's so irrational, so stupid. May be. But will is not something logical, pragmatic. Will springs from a mysterious depth. The will has much more freedom than in the rational beginning.

And the second moment of misunderstanding: it may seem that you can set the will in motion if you give yourself the task - to want. But where does my will come from? It does not stem from my "want". I can't "want to want". I also cannot want to believe, I cannot want to love, I cannot want to hope. And why? Because the will is an order to do something. But faith or love are not actions. I don't do it. It is something that arises in me. I'm not here if I love. We don't even know what ground love falls on. We can't control it, we can't "make" it - so it's not our fault if we love or don't love.

In the case of will, something similar happens. What I want grows somewhere in me. This is not something where I can give myself an assignment. It grows out of me, from the depths. The more the will connects with this great depth, the more I experience my will as something that corresponds to me, the more I am free. And with will comes responsibility. If the will resonates with me, then I live in responsibility. Only then am I truly free. The German philosopher and writer Matthias Claudius once said, "A man is free if he can want what he must."

If this is so, then "to leave" is connected with the will. I must freely leave my feelings - so that I can feel what is growing in me. Leo Tolstoy once said: “Happiness is not about being able to do what you want…”. But doesn't freedom mean that I can do what I want? This is true. I can follow my will and then I am free. But Tolstoy speaks of happiness, not of will: "... and happiness lies in always wanting what you do." In other words, so that you always have an internal agreement in relation to what you are doing. What Tolstoy describes is an existential will. As happiness, I experience what I do, if I experience an internal response in it, an internal resonance, if I say “yes” to this. And I cannot “make” an internal agreement - I can only listen to myself.

What is the structure of the will? I can only want what I can do. It makes no sense to say: I want to remove this wall and walk along the ceiling. Because the will is a mandate to act, and it assumes that I can do it too. That is, the will is realistic. This first will structure.

If we take this seriously, then we must not want more than we can, otherwise we will no longer be realists. If I can't work anymore, I shouldn't demand it of myself. Free will can also leave, let go.

And that's the reason why I don't do what I want. Because I don't have the power, I don't have the ability, because I don't have the means, because I run into walls because I don't know how. Will presupposes a realistic view of what is, on the given. That's why sometimes I don't do what I want.

Also, I don't do something for the reason that I feel fear - then I push it back and put it off. Because I might get hurt and I'm afraid of it. After all, the will is a risk.

If this first structure is not fulfilled, if I really cannot, if I have no knowledge, if I experience fear, then this hinders me.

The second structure of the will. Will is "yes" to value. This means that I must also see the value. I need something that will also attract me. I need to experience good feelings, otherwise I cannot want. I must like the path, otherwise the goal will be far from me.

For example, I want to lose 5 kilos. And I decided to start. 5 kilos less is a good value. But I also have feelings about the path that leads there: I should also enjoy eating less and exercising today. If I don't like it, I won't reach this goal. If I don't have that feeling, then I won't do what I want again. Because the will does not consist solely and only of the mind.

That is, in the end, towards the value to which I go in the will, I must also have a feeling. And, of course, the more depressed a person is, the less he can do what he wants. And here we again fall into the sphere of mental disorders. In the first dimension of will, this is fear, various phobias. They prevent a person from following his will.

The Third Dimension of Will: so that what I want matches my own. So that I can see that it is also important for me that it suits me personally.

Let's say a person smokes. He thinks: if I smoke, then I am something of myself. I am 17 years old and I am an adult. For a person at this stage, this is really what suits him. He wants to smoke, he needs it. And when a person becomes more mature, then he may no longer need a cigarette for self-affirmation.

That is, if I identify myself with something, then I can also want. But if something is not important for me personally, then I will say: yes, I will do it, but in fact I will not do it or I will do it with a delay. By the way we do something, we can determine what is important to us.. It is a diagnosis of the structures that underlie the will. If I don't identify myself, or if I bypass what I find important, I will again not do the things that, in fact, I would like to do.

AND fourth dimension of will is the inclusion of the will in a larger context, in big system relationships: what I do should make sense. Otherwise I can't do it. If there is no more context. Unless it leads to something where I see and feel it is valuable. Then I won't do anything again.

For a real “want”, 4 structures are needed: 1) if I can do it, 2) if I like it, 3) if it suits me and is important to me, if I have the right to do it, if it is allowed, allowed, 4) if I have a feeling that I should do it because something good will come out of it. Then I can do it. Then the will is well-rooted, grounded, and strong. Because it is connected with reality, because this value is important to me, because I find myself in it, because I see that something good can come of it.

There are various problems associated with the will. We have no practical problems with the will, if we really want something. If we do not have complete clarity in our "want" in terms of one or more of the structures listed - then we are in a dilemma, then I want and still do not want.

I would like to mention two more concepts here. We all know such a thing as temptation. Temptation means that the direction of my will changes and moves in the direction of something that I should not actually do. For example, some good film is shown today, and I need to learn the material - and now, this is a temptation. There is delicious chocolate on the table, but I want to lose weight - again a temptation. The consistent direction of my will deviates from the course.

This is familiar to every person, and this is an absolutely normal thing. This includes other attractive values ​​that are also important. At a certain intensity, temptation turns into seduction. There is still will in temptation, and when there is temptation, then I begin to act. These two things become stronger. the more the need grows in me. If my desire to live is too little nourished, if I experience little good, then the temptations and temptations become stronger. Because we need joy in life, there must be joy in life. We must not only work, we must also experience pleasure. If that's not enough, the easier it is to seduce me.

Finally, I would like to present a method by which we can strengthen the will. For example, in some business we need to do our homework. And we say: I will do it tomorrow - not yet today. And the next day nothing happens, something happens, and we procrastinate.

What can I do? We can indeed strengthen the will. If I have a problem and I can't take action, then I can sit down and ask myself: what is the value of saying "yes"? What is it good for if I write this work? What are the benefits associated with this? I must clearly see what it's good for. IN in general terms these values ​​are known, at least you understand them with your head.

And here the second step is risky, namely: I start asking myself “what are the advantages if I don’t do this?”. What will I get if I don't write this work? Then I would not have this problem, my life would have more pleasure. And it may happen that I will find so much valuable that will happen to me if I do not write this work, that I really will not write it.

As a physician, I have worked extensively with patients who wanted to quit smoking. I asked each of them this question. The answer was: “Are you trying to demotivate me? When you ask me what I will gain if I do not quit smoking, then I have so many ideas!” I said, "Yes, that's the reason why we're sitting here." And there were patients who, after this second step, said: “It became clear to me, I will continue to smoke.” Does this mean I'm a bad doctor? I move the patient in the direction that they quit smoking, and I have to motivate them to quit - and I move them in the opposite direction. But this is a small problem if a person says: “I will continue to smoke,” than if he thinks for three weeks, and then continues to smoke anyway. Because I don't have the strength to quit. If the values ​​that he realizes through smoking are attractive to him, he cannot quit.

Such is the reality. Will does not follow reason. The value must be felt, otherwise nothing will work.

And then the third step follows - and this is the core of this method. Let's say in the second step someone decides: yes, it will be more valuable if I write this work. Then it's about reinforcing the value of what you'll be doing, making it your own. We as therapists can ask: Have you ever experienced it - to write something? Maybe this person has already written something once and experienced a feeling of joy? This can be cited as an example and ask: what was good about it then? I have had many examples of this situation in my practice. Many have told me about writing in a negative way: “It feels like a professor is standing behind me, watching what I write and saying: “Oh, my God!”. And then people are demotivated. Then you need to separate the book from the professor and write for yourself.

That is, the core is the value in question. You need to feel it, how to bring it inward and correlate it with previous experience. And look for value in a particular mode of action.

And the fourth step: what is it, in fact, good for? What does it make sense? Why am I even doing this? What am I studying for? And the concrete situation goes into a larger context, to a wider horizon. Then I can experience an increase in my own motivation - or not.

I had a friend who, after working on his dissertation for a long time, suddenly remarked that there was no point in writing this dissertation. He was a teacher, and it turned out that he had no interest in pedagogy - he just wanted to get an academic title. But why sacrifice so much time for something that doesn't make sense? Therefore, he internally unconsciously blocked work on his dissertation. His feelings were smarter than his mind.

What practical steps can be taken here? You can’t expect yourself to be able to write everything quickly at once. But you can start with one paragraph. You can take something from some book. That is, we see that we can shape our life. We see the importance of taking your life into your own hands. In problems of will, we can do something too. Namely: to look at the structure of the will. Because if the structures are not followed, then nothing will work out with the will. We can also ask ourselves an open question in relation to some task: what speaks against it? should I really do this? or should I free myself, leave this task? It is in the context of "leave" that the real "want" can arise. As long as I force myself, I will cause a paradoxical reaction.

Man is so free that we want to remain free before ourselves. Thank you very much you for your attention.

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