Why are people afraid to say no. How to learn to say the magic word "no. Consequences of fail-safe behavior

The ability to say “no” is one of the most important skills for a comfortable social life, and it is quite possible to learn this.

Almost everyone at some point finds themselves in a situation where they have to fulfill someone's requests or agree to conditions that they do not suit, but for some reason it is embarrassing, embarrassing or scary to refuse.

Sometimes the issue of conscious rejection becomes a matter of survival - not being able to say "no", a person risks wasting energy, time and emotional resources to meet someone's needs.

If you don't get enough back, it's normal to feel cheated or "used."

So how do you learn to say no on time?

People want to be loved and accepted. It's nice to be good, it's nice to be appreciated, it's nice to just be needed. For some of us, being good and needed is so important that we are ready to sacrifice almost everything for this, although we often do not realize our need for love and acceptance.

At the moment when there is a conflict between one's own needs and those of others, one's own often fade into the background.

Unconsciously, the threat of being rejected by refusing a service is perceived as a disaster. The psychology of interaction is such that this illusory threat extends not only to important and important people, but suddenly manifests itself both at work and in various other life circumstances - even with strangers. (Give way to the bottom bunk on the train?).

Some people find it hard to say no in certain situations. For example, it is difficult for someone to refuse the authorities - after all, the request (not even official and difficult to fulfill) of a person in power seems to be an inviolable law, which is scary or even unthinkable to break.

For women, the inability to refuse attention to men sometimes turns out to be a serious problem. At some points, this feature leads to unpleasant consequences for a woman, for example, to sexual relationships that she did not want, but allowed, feeling obliged to have sex with a man she likes.

Close relationships can also complicate the situation - turning down a close friend or parent can also be harder than everyone else. But parents, spouses or close friends can also be demanding and force you to do something that a person deep down does not want.

Why is it important to be able to say no?

It is far from always that maintaining a warm (or any) relationship is worth sacrificing yourself. Often, having said “yes” where one could have refused, a person feels regret and feels cornered.

Sometimes we even know in advance that we will not receive sufficient compensation for our efforts, but we agree anyway, and then we get angry at ourselves and at the one who exploits our reliability.

In some situations, rejection is simply a necessary drawing of a line, a message to others about the limits of generosity.

Learning to say “no” to people means designating your personal space and gaining the opportunity to more adequately distribute resources, take care of your own comfort as well.

How to learn to refuse?

And yet, how do you learn to say no? There are some tricks that help you take control of your reactions to other people's demands. The most important point in this is awareness and reflection.

It will be much easier to change the situation if you keep track of each such case and carefully observe your feelings that arise in response to the request. It takes mental effort and can be difficult, but over time, anyone who diligently learns to say “no” develops the skill. When it is possible to catch yourself where the life-giving “no” is so lacking, you can try other ways to respond:

Of course, it is much easier to say "no" to those who do not feel guilty about their refusal and feel confident whole person which doesn't have to be good for everyone.

Perhaps the most effective and harmonious way to learn to refuse others is to psychologically work through the deep causes of your insecurity and acute need for approval.

As a rule, the reasons for this common feature lie in early childhood, when approval and unconditional love parents are the foundation of a person's attitude. For many of us, this unconditional love was not so unconditional, and to earn the approval of adults, you had to work hard. But the pursuit of approval is not limited to parents. For older children, school plays an important role in life, where there are teachers with their grades, comrades who evaluate each other according to the degree of coolness, and usually there is no one who would say: “Friend, learn to say no.” Having matured, we often, without noticing it ourselves, still act according to the old scheme, as if in vain attempts to get the approval that we did not receive in childhood.

But if such a pathological need for the love of others has long and firmly become a part of the personality, is it really impossible to change anything? Scientific psychology says it is possible.

In the process of personal psychotherapy, even childhood traumas and losses can be compensated to one degree or another, thanks to which the entire personality system gradually begins to function differently, including in communication with people. Each of us deserves respect and the right to live our lives without looking back in fear at whether we are good enough in the eyes of others.

We all have a desire to help people and do something good for others, but if you already have a lot to do, just one extra commitment can turn you from a happy person who can concentrate 100% and work with enthusiasm and dedication to irritated and stressed.

Perhaps learning to say “no” is the best service you can do yourself!

We all have 24 hours in a day. You don't need to stretch them out if you can honestly and confidently say no. Why be honest? Because you stay true to your values.

It's better to focus your time and energy on what's important to you than to spend it on what's important to someone else!

This doesn't mean you can't help the person... but is it important to you?

For example, if you are constantly torn between children, work, marriage and personal dreams, how can you afford to take the time to participate in a work group simply because a friend asked you to… if this work group is running a club that you don’t particularly like? Interested and you just feel like you have to help a friend?

How to learn to say "no"

Rule #1: Saying “no” is not selfish

Every time you say yes to something, you are making a commitment. Can you really give them the proper effort and attention?

When you say no, you are honestly reporting the impossibility of doing what you are asked to do as well as it deserves.

When you say no, you show respect for your existing obligations.

How will this affect the applicant? He may be hurt that you said no, but he will see that you are an honest person.

How will it affect you? Raise your self-esteem and secure commitments related to important goals.

Rule #2: When you say yes, it doesn't mean you're making friends.

Many of us say yes to something we don't want because we want to feel accepted, wanted, and important. But if the commitment you made upsets you and you do it carelessly, people will notice and wonder why you agreed to help at all.

Rule #3: Taking on too much commitment can be detrimental to your health!

When the number of obligations goes off scale, this leads to constant stress and lack of time for rest. You are spinning like a squirrel in a wheel, and as a result, this leads to overwork or even illness.

Focus your time and energy on what is important to you.

Rule #4: You have the right to focus on what is important to YOU!

You are under no obligation to help make other people's dreams come true at the expense of yourself. Their dreams are their path, not yours. And they will meet the right people along the way.

Rule #5: When you say no, you are giving others the opportunity to help.

The person who contacted you will have to look for someone else, but that's okay. If you're not up to the job, it's all for the best anyway, and if you are, you're not the only one who can do it.

Rule #6: When you're not sure if you should say yes, listen to your intuition.

What feelings does it give you? If the thought of saying “yes” makes you feel anxious, stressed, heavier, or has other negative feelings, do not do that.

Rule #7: Learn to confidently say “no”

Use the Silva Method to develop self-confidence. With the Three Fingers Technique, you can program yourself to say “no” with confidence, showing respect for both yourself and the person who is speaking to you.

Rule #8: Once you've assessed the amount of stress your "yes" would entail and decide to say "no", you can always look for other ways to help that don't require as much time and effort.

But this does not mean that you have to brainstorm in search of a suitable option - this also takes time and energy. Think about it if/when you have time.

Rule #9: Don't Feel Guilty

Guilt is a matter of choice. No one can make you feel guilty without your consent - this applies to both the asker and you. Instead of feeling guilty, choose to feel joyful that you have shown due respect for your values and commitments.

Rule #10: Don't rush into a decision

Take a day to think about the answer. Even if the person who contacted you wants you to respond right away, you can say that you need to consider whether you can take on additional obligations.

If this person cannot wait, tell him that he needs to find someone else. Do not make hasty decisions under pressure, which you may later regret.

How to say "no"

It's not easy, is it? Although, in fact, it is not as difficult as you think.

Here’s how to say “no” and still feel great about it:

Be brief

You don't have to tell your life story. The more you explain why you can't agree, the more it looks like an excuse. "No, I can't" is all you have to say.

Show respect

Some people believe in what they are doing and need help. You can help with praise, uplifting and inspiring words without making any additional commitment.

Just say no

Don't be afraid to say the word "no"! A firm “no” is better than a flat “well, I don’t know” that you allow to be approached again (maybe next time you will say “yes”!).

Be honest

Do not come up with non-existent reasons. You have every right to spend your time and energy on what is important to you. Including on vacation, when you have no obligations at all!

Be firm

You may be asked very aggressively. Remain calm and repeat your "no".

Do not apologize!

It is not necessary to say that you are sorry. You don't have to apologize for not taking on a load that you are unable to lift!

you are important

Your goals and values are important. Show them respect - say "no" to everything that contradicts them. Feel the joy of the good you are doing to help you achieve your goals!

yours,
Irina Khlimonenko
and the Silva method team

P.S. Do you know how to say “no” or do you not always succeed? Share with me your comments. We are very interested!

10 MEDITATION LESSONS

Enter your name and email address for instant access. Already 95,300 people have received this FREE guide to the Silva Method.

Helping a friend or relative is not only natural and necessary, but also a joy. Who will help a friend if not me? After all, in the same way, when something happens to us or we don’t have enough time, we turn to loved ones for help. What are friends for then? Is it just to share the joy? Helping a neighbor, colleague, acquaintances (and not so) people is in human nature, and this is normal. We want to talk about something else.

What if you can't say "no" to EVERYTHING or almost EVERYTHING others ask. Can you help, do you have time - the person who turned to you for help does not take into account at all. And you're constantly walking someone's dog, listening to endless requests, helping around the house, staying with children that aren't yours, working overtime, lending money, etc., etc. It is almost impossible for you to say this short word, even just shake your head in denial. And if this happened (!), you said “no”, because there are not 25 hours in a day or you are sick (you have a temperature of almost 40 degrees) and you don’t get out of bed, then you start to worry about being refused, and even you begin to reproach and scold yourself. This article is just for you, for trouble-free people.

6 reasons for the inability or unwillingness to refuse

1. People confuse manipulation with a cry for help, because we often hear when we are called to conscience: “what kind of friend (neighbor, husband-wife, relative, etc.) are you if you cannot help!”.

2. One of the methods of manipulation can be conditionally called "this is sacred." Using a similar method, a person asks you to help, hiding behind the interests of children, the sick and the elderly. It must be understood that the reasons for the request may be very far from the stated goals.

3. Another method of manipulation is called "pressure on pity." Playing on the feeling of pity, you are forced to do something that you did not intend to. The manipulator tells how badly he lives, everything is hard to get, he is haunted by troubles and misfortunes. In life, the number of sorrows, disasters and misfortunes that fall on everyone is approximately the same. Someone solves his own problems, and some, even with the slightest difficulty, try to attract their friends or acquaintances to help. Helping a friend in need is a necessary condition of friendship, but we've all met "friends" who only show up when they need help.

4. Sometimes there is a distorted perception of the situation. You feel like you can't do without you. And what if you were away, somehow your loved ones would manage. The same will happen if you refuse. People use you, it's much easier and more convenient for them, but only for them, not for you.

5. Most often, we do not refuse a request because of various fears that live in our soul. Here are some of them:

Fear of being impolite, but there is no equal sign between the words "no" and "impolite";
Fear of ruining relationships. But won’t relationships be spoiled if you understand that they are built on the fact that a person constantly needs something from you and nothing more. False harmony arises, it becomes more important to maintain relationships than to remain yourself.
Fear of looking bad in the eyes of another person. This speaks of self-doubt and low self-esteem, and you need to figure out why you need to always be good.

6. We don’t want or can’t refuse annoying petitioners because of unwillingness and inability to live own life, non-recognition of the right to their own desires. Endless self love.

What you need to consider in order to learn to refuse

The first thing to understand is that the word "no" does not indicate that you are an unresponsive friend, an unimportant neighbor or a bad colleague, an insensitive relative, and a cold, selfish lover. This word only means that this moment you cannot or do not want to do what you are asked to do. You have your own affairs and desires, your own idea of \u200b\u200bhow you will spend this time - and this is completely normal.

If you do not learn how to say this magic word, then you will continue to do everything, but not what you want. Irritation and anger at others will grow inside, and instead of joy from the help provided, you will feel dissatisfaction with yourself and those who asked for help.

Regular training in front of a mirror will help get rid of the fear of rejection. Say the word “no” aloud, do it loudly, confidently, firmly. Try to avoid flattering intonations, get rid of internal trembling. Such training is advised by psychologists when it is necessary to change one's attitude to the problem. Continue training until you feel freedom and no discomfort.

Most importantly, if you do not feel discomfort and inconvenience when you refuse, do it politely and with dignity, then the refusal will be accepted calmly, you will be understood and will not be offended. And vice versa, you worry, worry, hide your eyes when you say “no” - this will cause irritation, complete misunderstanding and rejection of your refusal. But you really don’t have time at all, and you are absolutely not disingenuous.

6 rules - how to help yourself

1. First, learn to refuse for a minor reason. For example, if they want to borrow some money from you before payday, explain that you have “every penny counts” or “a principled position and you don’t lend money.” Or they pester you with long phone calls, say that you have an urgent matter. Once you learn to say no to small things, it will be easier to say no to big things.

2. Don't make excuses. Having refused the request, one should not make excuses for a long time and explain the reasons. In this case, it will look like you are not sure about your own decision, and even worse, it will be regarded as a lie - you are trying to come up with a reason for not wanting to help.

“Sorry, I can’t”, “I have already agreed”, “I have other plans for this time” - understandable phrases for all normal people. You really may have serious reasons not to comply with the request, you do not owe anything to anyone.

3. Be firm. You need to say “no” firmly (but without a challenge), so that the interlocutor does not doubt your determination. Otherwise, your refusal may be perceived as coquetry, and you want to be persuaded. The less determination you put into your no, the longer it will take to persuade you. As a result, both will have an unpleasant feeling.

4. Be responsive. If for one reason or another you could not help, show participation. For example, advise someone who could help in such a situation, or offer to help partially. If the matter is very important and only you can help out, offer another time (as an option). Such an attentive attitude will show that you are not withdrawing from help because of a whim or unwillingness, but are trying to do your best.

5. Remain calm and show respect. You should not rush to protect your own interests and the boundaries of personal space at the first words: “could you…”. Even if this person has asked you for a favor many times (maybe he has already tortured you with requests). You should not reproach him and use offensive phrases: “how much can I help you”, “you always need something”, “are you capable of something yourself?” etc. Blaming your opponent for incompetence will only lead to a conflict that will not be easy to resolve. A calm, respectful and firm refusal will not spoil the relationship.

6. Don't forget about the word "yes". The word "yes" has the same rights in the lexicon as the word "no". After all, the refusal of a request occurs not for the sake of the refusal itself, not for the sake of self-affirmation or the desire to show an iron will. You simply comply with your plans, desires, take into account your interests. You just don’t want to forget about yourself behind the endless “yes”.

But if there are no urgent matters, time and well-being allow, then why not help your neighbor. This is both pleasant and honorable, there is an opportunity to show your spiritual and business qualities, and just spend time with a friend, solving his problems. Help is needed when you really want it.

The Benefits of Saying "No"

This short word protects your personal space, the right to your interests, business, personal time, rest. By learning to say “no”, you do not shut yourself off from others, you become yourself. You are no longer haunted by the guilt of not being able to help all those in need. You cease to consider yourself weak-willed and weak-willed, you will not be annoyed and angry at loved ones that because of their constant requests you do not have time for yourself. You will learn to value your time, listen to yourself, respect your desires. And most importantly, what you do will coincide with your desires.

Of course, you need to help relatives and friends. But you also need to be able to refuse, otherwise many will simply use your reliability. Consider the rules that should be followed in order to learn how to tell people no.

Learn to say no to the little things. Once you learn how to refuse small requests, it will be much easier for you to refuse something significant.

Remain calm and polite. Even if a person just bored you with his requests and obsession, keep respect for him, do not raise your tone and do not be rude.

No need to justify. After the refusal, you should not state the reason why you refused. Just provide it and that's it.

Don't forget about the existence of the word "yes". When learning to say no, don’t forget that sometimes you need to be able to say the word “yes.”

Have firmness. You must definitely refuse firmly, the interlocutor must be convinced of your firmness and determination.

Be responsive. If, nevertheless, you could not help, try not to remain indifferent, give at least practical advice.

Don't go for it. If, after your refusal, the interlocutor still tries to lure you out of an approving answer, listen, but then again refuse in a clear form.

Suggest an alternative. If you refuse, offer alternative way solution to the existing problem.

Express your opinion to the core of the problem. Thus, you can prepare the interlocutor for refusal in advance.

Don't try to please. You can’t please everyone, stick to this principle, so it will be easier for you to say “no”.

Drop your fears. Do not be afraid that a person in case of your refusal will be able to be offended by you.

Learn from the mirror. Try practicing saying “no” in the mirror a few times. That way you can imagine the situation.

Not everyone has the ability to refuse. Some people find this strange. But there are people who are completely incapable of refusing others. To fulfill any requests, even completely strangers, is the norm for them.

By sacrificing their personal time, their needs and desires, these people suffer, but continue to please others. How to learn to speak NO"to people for certain requests, putting their own interests as a priority, and not other people's? We follow the advice of psychologists!

Reasons for not being able to refuse

This model behavior has its own reasons.

The most common reasons are fears:

Fear of offending the other person with your refusal. Actually, there is nothing to be offended about. Personal plans are no less important, and perhaps more so, than the deeds of the person asking for a favor. A clear explanation of the reason for the refusal will not cause discontent or resentment of the applicant.
Fear of losing respect or love. If the sympathies are sincere, then the refusal to comply with the request will not affect them. If there is resentment, and demonstrative, then the person asking for the service is just a manipulator. Communication with such people has no value and it is better to avoid it altogether.
Fear of appearing impolite or even rude. Such thoughts are most often the result of upbringing. Instilled in childhood attitude that it is bad and impolite to refuse. Here it is important to be able to distinguish whether a person really needs help, or he can perfectly cope on his own. In the first case, this is a matter of conscience, and in the second case, a clear attempt at manipulation.
Fear of receiving a response to a request. A very common reason. It is worth considering whether it is often necessary to resort to the help of outsiders, and is it really necessary? Is it really necessary in the environment for people who are ready to help only in response to a favor? It must be remembered that there are enough people in the world who are ready to help disinterestedly, if it is really needed.
Diffidence. Your own affairs and plans seem not important enough. It is worth raising self-esteem and overestimating the importance of your own life.

Consequences of fail-safe behavior

Regardless of the reason, fail-safe behavior does not bring anything good.

Constant waste of energy and time on completely unnecessary things. There is a catastrophic lack of time for one's own development and interests. Fatigue becomes a constant companion. Opportunities are missed.

Guilt that inevitably arises in case of impossibility for any reason to fulfill the promise. In addition, the likelihood of acquiring the fame of an extremely unreliable person.

By constantly indulging others, there is a high probability that the consumer attitude will become the norm for others. The number of requests will inevitably grow, and take even more time and effort. In addition, consent to help will be taken for granted.

Psychologist's advice on how to refuse people correctly

If a person does not know how to say “NO”, then first you should remember that it is his right to refuse a request.

For a polite refusal, there is an algorithm:

Express your attitude to the essence of the request. Anything from lack of interest to annoyance or regret. So the interlocutor will already be prepared for failure;
voice the refusal, clearly pronounce the word “No”;
State the reasons why you are refusing. Whether it will be the need to perform personal affairs or the lack of the required knowledge to perform is not so important;
offer an alternative solution;
if the interlocutor insists and tries to persuade or manipulate, listen to him and once again clearly repeat the reasons for the refusal.