12 chose
Today - Teacher's Day. We all love and remember the most important and good teachers that we encountered at school or institute. But numerous "life teachers" nobody loves. Those who, without asking, will tell you how to raise your own child, how to dress or cook your signature dish. Let's figure out where this habit comes from people: endlessly teaching others. And think about whether we have it ourselves.
Why do people like teaching others? The mechanism is very simple. When we tell someone how to do it right, we seem to take a step above the interlocutor, we feel smarter and more experienced. This is nice, as it increases self-esteem. And that's why many people are so annoyed by uninvited teachers: their self-esteem suffers from the fact that others look down on them.
In addition, some people have a professional habit of teaching others. For example, teachers. They find it difficult to ordinary life get rid of her. Or, say, parents are unlikely to stop giving us advice and teaching about life. But let's be indulgent to them: after all, these people taught us to walk and talk, read and count. 
No wonder they say that all the people we meet on our way teach us something useful. Even uninvited teachers. They at least bring up in us patience and calmness. Do not take other people's advice too close to your heart and do not respond to them with harshness: you are still free to do as you see fit. There is a legend about a sage who paid people for insulting him: this is how he brought up his character. One day he met a man who yelled at him for no reason. The sage sincerely thanked the stranger: after all, he gave him for free what he had previously had to pay for. Remember this parable when someone comes to you with advice. After all, not succumbing to provocation, you yourself become stronger.
But, as usual, the most difficult thing is to notice the mote in your own eye and realize that we ourselves sometimes become uninvited teachers for others. If you often hear a playful excuse: "Don't teach me how to live, better help financially", or you notice that the interlocutors' mood deteriorates after your advice, perhaps this habit has not bypassed you either. Set up a little experiment: do not give advice to others unless asked for it. Even if you know exactly what is best. And even if you really want to say.
And sometimes you just need to change the way you communicate with some people. For example, with older children or younger siblings. If you continue to teach them, the relationship can become detached over time.
Have you met people who endlessly give advice and teach life? Is it easy for you to communicate with such people?
» »
Many people always know exactly how their children and friends should live, but at the same time they cannot always figure out their own lives. Why do we like teaching others so much and is it worth spending time on it?
Why are we doing this?
First of all, we teach others, because we are responsible for them. The children get the most. Not all parents can feel in time the moment when they have already grown up and can make decisions on their own. Friends also will not leave without valuable advice if they have a habit of complaining about life. Because we want them to be happy. We care about the health of our loved ones and do not approve of them bad habits even if we have them ourselves.
In second place are our selfish motives. Everyone wants to live better, buy expensive things, have more weight in society, but this is not always possible to achieve. on your own. But there is a spouse who can be “pushed” in the right direction. Although it is not only a matter of mercantile interest, because we also want to brag about our children, their talents, excellent physical shape and excellent grades. Having found a mate, we will definitely start looking for lovers for all our friends, because arranging double and triple dates is much more interesting. And in general, many people want to feel their importance, because, distributing advice left and right, we feel like real experts.
Should we interfere?
At different people different understanding of happiness. It is possible that your friend is quite satisfied with life, working at an interesting job that allows you to barely make ends meet. But then you appear and explain to him in detail that this is the wrong way of life. Naturally, he will be disappointed. Either in yourself or in you. Are you ready for this turn of events? Other people's love relationships are generally a dark forest, in which it is better not to meddle until you see that the physical and mental health of your loved one is at risk.
Raising children is a universal topic in which even those who have not yet acquired offspring or at least nephews feel like experts. Do you like it when strangers on the street begin to criticize your way of dressing a child? Believe me, no one likes this, no matter how softly you make comments, especially since it is difficult to judge the correctness of upbringing while the child is still small.
Pay attention to whether others listen to. Has your husband quit smoking after your many lectures on the dangers of this habit, or has he started to pull his head into his shoulders every time you catch him doing this? And what about a friend and her unhappy, in your opinion, marriage? Is he already consulting with you on how to properly file for divorce, or continues to live with his spouse, not answering your calls?
If you have come to the disappointing conclusion that no one is listening to you, it's time to pull yourself together and stop preaching to everyone. It is possible that loved ones will miss your care and begin to seek advice themselves.
How to deal with yourself?
First, answer the question of whether you have the moral right to give advice and wait for their implementation. If you pull on finances, life and children, then it is quite within your right to demand from your spouse that he get a job. But if your personal life itself leaves much to be desired, it is unlikely that your opinion about love relationships will seem authoritative to someone, even if you say reasonable things. By the way, do you always follow your own advice? Do you also listen to others? Learn to listen to what your interlocutors answer when you teach them. It is quite possible that they have fairly strong arguments in defense of their views.
If you really want to help someone, there are many resources on the Internet where people ask for advice in all areas. It is possible that communication on such sites will become your favorite hobby.
back side continuing education, which is now so enthusiastically sung, is the "eternal student" syndrome. The idea that without an additional diploma, another diploma, twenty refresher courses and the thirteenth master class, it is impossible to take the first (or any other) step, is firmly rooted in the minds of many people. The reasons are different - from laziness or the desire to stay in a "safe harbor" to too high demands on oneself, because of which failure seems to be something fatal, and therefore an attempt to put one's knowledge into practice is constantly postponed.
How to stop learning and start living - a psychologist, a producer, a travel blogger and, not least, two teachers shared their opinions on this topic with Monday.
“In Russia they talk about work as hard labor”
Oksana Silantieva,
multimedia producer, founder of the Silamedia company, graduated from a master's program in the UK:
- The fear of going into adulthood really exists. And its roots are in the peculiarities of our culture. Look at the hysteria of parents around pushing yesterday's eleventh graders into universities. Failure in exams is presented as a life tragedy. A year without going anywhere, go to work, think, decide on your adult life? No, this is not our way. Do-do-do is like a mantra. If everyone around is so configured, where will the applicant have respect for his choice? And to work in general? Those who entered most likely did not have time to try to work from the age of 14. Instead, high school students are poring over trial USE and torture tutors. The boundary beyond which the opportunity to get one's own work experience is moving away and moving away. Before entering a university, this is impossible for sure, but even if this bar is taken ... “Do not be distracted, study first,” parents say throughout all their student years. “If you get a diploma, then you will find a job.” And if suddenly a senior student, or young specialist there is still a desire to work, he can listen to how his parents speak about their work in the kitchen, speakers of various TV programs on the screen and opinion leaders in social networks. Do we hear a lot of stories around people who are doing what they love? And for some reason, in such a situation, the “eternal student” turns out to be guilty of procrastination. Why not ask his parents and teachers - what did they do to create a desire and willingness to work, so that the young man had the skills that make it possible to earn money? Blaming "eternal students" is easy. It is much more difficult to change the education system, the culture of attitude to work. One school in St. Louis that I've come across has a practice of asking all students every year, starting in first grade, to write a short essay that asks them to answer four questions: What did you enjoy studying this year? (it is not the subject that is important, but the topic, the part of the world that interests the student); What would you like to study next year? (with the help of this question, introspection and self-determination of the student are activated); - What would you like to work in the future? (straight from the first class!); - How would you like to earn money? (This is taught in school). I've been trying to find at least one for ten years Russian school who would start asking the same questions to the students. From the editors of "Monday": we really know several such schools! Get acquainted, for example, with the well-known private school in St. Petersburg "Vzmakh". By the way, its graduates are in great demand in the labor market!
"Eternal student" as a diagnosis
Denis Zelikson,
psychologist-consultant, candidate psychological sciences:
- The desire to learn something new has a fundamental biological basis, which was formed in the course of evolution. Besides, in modern world there are practically no “clean” professions left, and the term of “life” of one education does not exceed five to seven years. The problem of "eternal students" becomes when it acquires a compulsive form. In this case, endless sitting on the student bench is a kind of mental disorder: it is characterized by the presence of obsessive thoughts about the need to improve one's qualifications, a state of stress and anxiety due to the endless desire to receive another diploma. One of these "eternal students" managed to study on credit for several million rubles, until he realized the reasons for his "craving for knowledge" after visiting a professional psychotherapist. However, such cases are extremely rare, and obtaining several educations is often justified by the withering away of the acquired profession or by leaving for a narrow specialization.
"Don't be afraid of mistakes!"
Anton Dukhovsky,
trainer oratory and public speaking:
- When a person remains in the role of a student, he wants to be in a comfort zone. "Why don't I learn more?" - thus, he cunningly rationalizes, explains the reluctance or fear to act. I am a supporter of the fact that you always need to go towards your fears. This is the only way to deal with them. Postponement (even for the sake of better arming) saves little! Because fear lives within us. I myself am teaching, I have many students who want to speak in public. Realizing this desire of theirs, they begin to read books, watch videos, but they don’t come to the training, they don’t go to speak when they really need it. They think that they will read a little more, learn more, and that's when ... But in reality, in order to truly learn, you need to start acting. There is a wonderful book by Richard Branson "To hell with everything, take it and do it!". Perhaps this name is the answer to the question of how to stop learning and start doing, living, achieving goals. Often people are stopped by the fear of making mistakes: but mistakes are inseparable from the learning process. You need to understand that a mistake is an experience, and not be afraid to make a mistake. Stuffing bumps is unpleasant, but necessary. Of course, it is necessary to measure the risks. If an aspiring boxer immediately enters the ring with a champion, then most likely he will get a knockout and may never return to the ring again. Personally, I studied a lot in my time before I started teaching. public performance. But he also honed all his skills in practice.
"University does not teach life"
— My story is simple. I studied at the university in St. Petersburg, worked in my specialty (as an editor), then went on vacation to Egypt and ... did not return. I decided to stay abroad and travel. Needless to say, at first I worked as hard as I could, just to stay afloat. I studied - on the go and as needed, without any requests for degrees. And then I suddenly realized: universities and institutes in general have little to do with reality! As soon as I became interested in the case, the corresponding acquaintances immediately appeared, helpful information, interesting proposals… The most important thing is that everything worked out: both work is a joy, and money is in the piggy bank. And success, like skills, comes with experience, no matter how much scientific papers you have read. Naturally, this does not negate the benefits of having a diploma, but the habit of fanatically chasing advanced degrees, believing that without them you will not achieve anything, is more like a fear of finally entering adulthood. Now, having gained the experience of living in another country, I plan to go to China, and I also dream of visiting Georgia. The sooner you take responsibility for your life, the easier it will be to control it. And this is perhaps the most important life skill. And they don't teach it at the university. University society is a utopian environment associated with clans and bribery systems. When you get out of there, you have 100% theory and 0% practice. And you remain unprepared for life. One of my acquaintances, an artist by training, worked as a secretary all her life. At the age of 35, she decided to start everything from scratch, moved to Egypt and got a job in a hotel in the only available position - the most junior administrator. She very quickly grew to a manager, now she has more than a hundred people under her command. And she has no "crust" in management. She taught herself when she had to. I do not deny that there higher education opens more doors, but these doors still need to be entered.
"Magic kick" and features of mentality
Andy Fredericks,
teacher in English, moved to St. Petersburg from the USA:
- Many, even knowing almost all the rules, do not speak a foreign language. I think it's worth it to finally start practicing! To overcome the language barrier, you just need to take and say a few words, and not sit quietly on the sidelines. Among my students best success achieved by those who are not afraid to make mistakes. The sooner they get it wrong, the sooner I can correct them and the sooner they start speaking correctly. When learning something new, it's important to understand that mistakes are inevitable and not to feel stupid about it. The task of the teacher is to create a friendly atmosphere in which students will not feel disappointed when something does not work out the first time. This allows you to overcome uncertainty and move forward. Very often people consider themselves insufficiently competent, insufficiently capable of something. And then just go ahead and do it! I see this all the time in class. As long as you strive and believe in yourself, anything is possible. There is a saying: “Better done than perfect”. Literally translated as "Made better than perfect". It's better to have what you need right now than to wait until everything is perfect down to the smallest detail. Life is short, you can't wait. This is the biggest risk of such a position, when a person does not dare to apply his knowledge in practice. In such a tendency to put something off until later, endlessly waiting for a good opportunity, I see a feature of the Russian mentality. There is a good one on this English joke about the second world war: Americans, British and Russians are sitting in the Nazi camp. Christmas has come. The German camp commandant arrives and asks what the leaders of these prisoners want as a gift. The American says: "Whiskey!" Okay, have some whiskey. Briton: "Tea for us!" Okay, have some tea. Russian: "And a big kick to me!" - How's the kick? - And so, yes, stronger. “Well, a kick is a kick,” thought the head of the camp, and kicked the Russian. The Russian flew up, after that he snatched the weapon from the Nazi and freed everyone. The moral is this: a Russian person needs a magic kick to do something!
I often have to advise people who really want to learn a foreign language, but for some reason they fail to do so. They buy excellent books, go to courses, find individual teachers through the Internet. Some of them are well versed in the grammar of the language being studied, but they all cannot speak either.
I have a course "Conscious Learning foreign language". The course is very interesting, deep, unique and, in my opinion, one of a kind. I do not teach languages, I teach languages to learn, to learn them. The word knowledge has a special meaning. The Bible says: “And Adam knew Eve…” That is, it is something very close, intimate, something that happens only between two people who know themselves and strive to know each other. Language proficiency is about the same. I know and continue to know myself - what I love, what kind of person I am, what I learn through, what inspires me and what makes me bored, what I pay attention to and what I don't care about. And through this prism I get to know the language - its logic, its beauty, rhythm, breath. That is what we are learning in this course.
Today I will talk about those things that will make any process of achieving a goal effective and natural.
1. Set a goal
Unless you are a polyglot, for whom the process of learning any language is the goal in itself, then you need a goal to learn a foreign language. Language is first and foremost a tool. Any tool should be applied in nature. What is the language for you? How will you know that you have reached your goal in learning a language?
Take, for example, a screwdriver. Someone needs it in order to twist a chair, table or door once a year. And for someone it is a daily tool with which he earns his living. Therefore, the degree of mastery of this tool is different. Both the time for training and the number of hours spent for practice will be different.
What do you need language for? Do you want to become a translator? Open a representative office abroad? Chatting with your foreign girlfriend?
Not everyone knows how to set goals. Sometimes the goal is very vague: "I want to communicate in a foreign language." Unclear. How will you know that the goal has been achieved? You can come to the store on the very first day of learning a language, say “Ineed ...” and show with your hands a movement that means that you are brushing your teeth. The seller will offer you toothpaste and a brush, you either choose something or take both. Has the goal been reached? Can learning be effective?
What do you want to achieve? How many books to read, what songs to learn, what level of the textbook to pass, how many mistakes to make, how many texts to retell, how many people to talk to in italki, how many phrases to speak in one breath?
Do you understand? specific. And yet - the goal should be yours, personal. Not imposed by society, the Internet, wife or mother. Yours. Otherwise, you will not go far with such a goal.
2. Know What? Where? When?
Scientists conducted such a study: they randomly divided people who wanted to achieve certain goals into three groups. The first group was simply directed: “Do it. You must. Do this and that." In this group, the percentage of results achieved was 38%.
The second group was motivated: “You can do it. You can do it" - 35%
The third group was told what to do, how, how much, at what time and in what place - 91%.
If you are in advance, before you get sucked into the daily routine, before you start coming home tired, sitting in front of the TV and falling asleep with the remote in your hands, decide what you will do to learn the language when you do it and in where, you are more likely to achieve your goal.
3. Review before learning something new
That's the way the brain works. All information first enters short-term memory. The brain needs to prove that the information is worthy of being transferred to long-term memory cells. And you need to prove it by repeated repetitions. So the brain understands that this is important for you, it needs to be preserved and preserved.
There are many schemes. As a rule, these are multiple spaced repetitions.
For example:
Scheme 1:
Learned today, repeat tomorrow, in two days, in three days, in 4, 5, 6 and 7. Then in another month.
Scheme 2:
1. Repeat immediately
2. After 20 minutes
3. After 8 hours
4. In a week
5. Two weeks later (3-4 times)
Or you can come up with another scheme that is convenient for you. The main thing is that it works for you.
4. Create habits
Language learning is long term goal. For long-term goals, willpower doesn't work. This is not for you to go to the dentist. This is where habits come into play. Your task is to include the study of a foreign language in your daily routine. Bring down a big goal to the level of daily activities that do not require a lot of willpower. One way is to take stock of your day, identify one habit you've been wanting to get rid of for a long time, and start putting in some action instead that moves you forward in language learning.
5. Throw away all books and courses and leave one / one
If you have been learning a foreign language for a long time, then traces of your activities can be found in all corners of your house. There are several grammar books in the toilet, bilingual books on the table, TED talks in your browser bookmarks. You even have a Puzzle English or DuoLingo subscription, you receive emails from several language mailing lists in your inbox, and you never pass by book - and suddenly there was a new modern course.
And you really feel like you're learning a language. Or not, it seems to you - now, the time will come when I will finally be able to calmly sit down at the table and begin to study all these books in detail.
Everything is in the fire! There are no bad courses, no bad books, no bad teachers. If you know what the language is for, you can squeeze out everything you need and useful even from a 10-page brochure with grammar tables of the language being studied.
Throw everything away, give it to friends, donate it to the library. Leave only one textbook or course and go through it and squeeze everything you can out of it.
6. Balance of incoming and outgoing flow
Modern nutritionists say that in order to maintain physical balance, the number of calories consumed and expended should be approximately the same. Otherwise - exhaustion or obesity.
The same is true for intellectual food. Conventionally, the skills of any foreign language can be divided into two parts: Incoming - reading and listening, Outgoing - writing and speaking. Try to have one word written for every word read, and one spoken word for every word heard. Well, or set a comfortable ratio for yourself, most importantly, remember that balance is not about "either/or", it's about "and".
7. Be prepared to make 50 mistakes a day
It seems that in some book about "cold calls" the author said how he struggles with the fear of hearing "no". He simply aims to get ten rejections a day. His task is not to obtain consent to the purchase, but to collect a certain number of refusals. Naturally, while he is chasing rejection, he is also getting positive results.
Don't be afraid to make mistakes. Challenge yourself to do... let 50 mistakes a day. You can ask a friend or teacher to find mistakes in your exercises, ask a native speaker to correct you on Skype, do your own analysis and find mistakes in your letters yourself, etc.
Only those who do nothing do not make mistakes.
8. Become an actor. play roles
I have a grandson who is now 1 year and 9 months old. Despite his small age, he teaches his granny a lot of interesting things. I sometimes express my thoughts very emotionally. I gesticulate, depict facial expressions, walk, jump. And sometimes I notice out of the corner of my eye how the baby repeats movements, sounds, words after me. Firstly, it shows his sympathy for me, affection, desire to imitate. Secondly, in this way he learns to speak and convey verbal and non-verbal information.
Choose a role model for a native speaker of the target language that you would like to imitate. Artist, speaker, politician, business coach. Imitate him. Stand like him, imitate his intonation, gestures, facial expressions. This is a very powerful tool for overcoming the psychological language barrier.
9. Surround yourself with tongues
If we talk about my grandson again, then the process of learning the language goes approximately in the following sequence: listen a lot, try to speak, speak, later read, write, and much later - at school - learn grammar.
If we look at how we learn a foreign language, then everything is exactly the opposite with us. We first learn grammar, then we read and write, and when it comes to speaking and listening, we are overgrown with so much fear that all motivation simply disappears.
Therefore, the most important thing is to listen a lot, to surround yourself with language. The key word here is A LOT. Music, podcasts, news, audiobooks, movies. Thanks to the Internet, this is not difficult.
Right now, enter the settings of your phones, computers, all other devices and translate the menu into the language you are learning. This is also part of your environment.
10. Accept the language as it is
To be honest, it is still a mystery to me how I graduated from school with an A in English. I am sure that every one of us faces such a riddle from time to time. These are the features of our education system. But even after graduating from school with an A in a foreign language, having passed the university, I still did not understand the meaning of the linking verb “tobe”. No way. I could not find an analogue in Russian for him. And 12 tenses of English verbs versus three tenses in Russian?
All this annoyed me. Hands dropped and classes stopped until the next wave of inspiration. Which each time rolled less and less.
Accept the language as it is. You cannot change it. Stop resisting, start enjoying. This will significantly save your time, energy and nerves.
Any process, including the process of learning a foreign language, is about life, about love, about relationships. Have fun, enjoy it, one day it will bring a huge result and inspire you to new goals, which you can achieve with the help of these same 10 ways.
Who is she Malvina?
This is an angelic creature that everyone loves: animals, insects and birds. She is beautiful and kind, educated and meek. She saves Pinocchio, with the help of castor oil and a kiss, brings him back to life.
Just the ideal of any man. Perhaps, if not for one "but"! She is a "teacher".
The next morning, she immediately decides to educate Pinocchio!
Practically in every woman sits a tutor and a teacher. The female look is always looking for something in a man that seems to need to be corrected, corrected, improved. We want to instill in him manners, educate him. So that he would be just as refined, clean, well-mannered, he sawed off a piece with a knife while eating and slowly put it in his mouth.
And men often behave rudely, they can stuff whole food, chew loudly, sit with their legs tucked under themselves, litter and pig, scatter their socks, spill cocoa on the tablecloth, and so on.
There is no limit to our indignation - where does such bad manners come from? And we're going to re-educate.
And when a woman puts a man at a desk, he thinks something like Pinocchio: “That's how you got into it!” And he wants to get out as soon as possible.
Communication with such a woman seems painful for a man.
Often a woman considers it simply her duty to educate a man, to watch him appearance to give advice and guidance. How to sit, how to hold your back, how to speak, what level of sound should be. Thus, very towering over a man, considering himself more correct and smarter, like a teacher over a student.
Just like Malvina: - Now sit down with your hands in front of you. Don't be hunched over.
And when a man begins to sabotage women's good intentions and not follow these instructions, the woman begins to be offended and upset. Why did no one understand her, because she wanted the best. It all ends with the fact that the woman punishes the man: resentment, deathly silence, pouting lips.
As you remember, Malvina put Pinocchio in a closet, because he did not succumb to education. She considered that she had such a sacred right, because if she took up education, the matter must be brought to an end.
How often a woman thinks that she is simply obliged to ennoble a man and make her copy of him. Not realizing that the man has no desire to be brought up, that he scolds her for what the world stands for and dreams of getting rid of her faster.
Pinocchio grumbled in a dark closet: - What a fool girl ... There was a teacher, you think ... She has a porcelain head, a torso stuffed with cotton ...
And at the first opportunity, he will run away. And reluctantly wants to return
Pinocchio did not really want to return to the girl with blue hair. - If the girl decides to bring up again, I'll drink milk - and I won't stay here for no reason.
And when the man leaves, the woman will cry and invent horror stories that something happened to the man, or that "the rats dragged him away." It would never occur to her that he had fled precisely from her moralizing and did not want to return at all.
And if he returns, the woman will be delighted with his arrival, but still continue to teach.
— Ah, what happiness! Malvina whispered, but immediately added in an adult voice: “Boys, go immediately to wash and brush your teeth.”
“You saw,” Pinocchio grumbled, “she has a crazy idea in her head - to wash, brush her teeth!” Anyone from the world will live clean ...
Men don't like teachers. People generally do not like being taught, especially men.
When a woman is smart, makes comments, suggests, criticizes - this hurts male pride.
A man likes to be competent, correct, the smartest, and he likes to feel superior to a woman.
Next to the teacher male self-esteem suffers, and self-confidence falls, he loses his own respect. And interestingly, if a man begins to obey and be brought up, a woman ceases to respect him at all.
When a woman teaches and educates, a man quickly gets bored and loses interest in her as a woman. This makes relationships very difficult. His only desire is to escape.
Someone will literally run away, someone will run away to the computer, to the sofa and to the TV.
Therefore, if a woman wants a harmonious and close relationship with a man, Malvina will have to part with her manners.
A real man will always remain wrong, unbridled and with a free disposition. It is impossible to comb his hair smoothly and force him to live by his own rules. But it is precisely such a man - sharp, daring and uncontrollable - that attracts us women. Such a man is able to protect a woman.
