Good afternoon
It so happened that I married a man whom I had dreamed about since school, but did not know him, but only thought that he would be like that. Tall, handsome, guitar, tattoos, bald...
Here, I did not calculate a little. She did not invent for him the merits and demerits of the spiritual or spiritual world. Not to say that he is bad, there are good qualities.
A son was born, my husband was imprisoned, he left after 6 years, the second son was born (premature, the husband began to drink even more at that time, I was more nervous, and it happened). We live in my grandmother's house, together with her. Circumstances have always developed in such a way that very often I lived with my grandmother, although I always had a good relationship with my mother.
Now I am 31 years old, we have been living together for 13 years now. She believes that she raised me, that I should be grateful to her for everything, constantly gives advice on how to live with my husband, what to say to him, even comments on our sleeping relationship ("I would not let him into my bed after this"), according to her I think I live wrong in principle, I don’t do it, but if I do, but not like that! The husband drinks even now, there is also lack of money, sometimes terrible laziness attacks him, does nothing from the principle "not mine, I will not." To put it mildly, they are not friends with their grandmother. My grandmother has skin cancer on her right temple (twice operated on in the same place), she is 76 years old, pressure, prolapse of the uterus, headaches, constant pain in the joints, very poor hearing ...
Based on your research, which I can more or less explain, she does not perceive. I’m trying to accept it, but it doesn’t work, as soon as I’m in the mood for love, my grandmother immediately, as she feels, starts lectures (I’m raising my children, my husband, myself incorrectly, I can be a creature, but he’s a bastard, and he doesn’t have the right to raise children, because sometimes he sat, then he drank and walked). I think that she does not have the right to regulate my life in this aspect, because her grandfather also drank and walked and beat.
I would not say that we have a massacre of fathers and children in our house. No! I already understand a lot. The husband, inventing all sorts of reasons, drinks. The older child wants us to get divorced, the younger one loves his father.
I am restrained in my emotions, do not conflict, cheerful, I support my husband in any endeavors. He, listening to my thoughts about the soul, about the correctness of our being, about Love, says that it’s time for me to be ugly.
Parents and sisters believe that I should erect a monument for patience and courage. However, I don't deserve it. I feel that this potential (patience and endurance) is huge and even, apparently, unlimited.
Almost always it turns out not to blame anyone and yourself, including. I rely on providence. If all this is happening, it means that someone needs it ... Pride is rushing, as they say. A welter of problems and thoughts.... I'll figure it out, God willing.
But for this, it seems to me, I need to know why I have such household members and, most importantly, why they need me.
What have I dumped on my children? Moreover, grandmother's two daughters are not very happy in this life (prestigious job, beautiful, but they like to drink, there are problems with their husbands) and, by the way, my mother is my grandmother's beloved daughter, I am my beloved granddaughter, and my children are beloved great-grandchildren.
As a teenager, I managed to see holes in a person’s aura (I didn’t know what it was called before), I talked with my guardian angel ... Everything disappeared somewhere. Then the soul asked for light, revelations. It was then that I was lucky to know about you.
Now I can see a little on the maps, but I'm done with this business. I do not think that this is mine, although many acquaintances often seek advice. It turns out that even without cards I can help a person.
I feel I can do a lot, tears flow from the realization and feeling of Love in my soul. It’s a pity we can’t prolong these moments forever... The feeling that I have to do something important not only for myself, my family, but for a large number of people. Maybe I think too much about myself...
What to pay special attention to?
I thank God for the opportunity to know about you. I thank God for the ability to see him, although not in everything and it turns out. My problems don't kill me, they make me stronger.
[Verse 1, Lumen]:
Why scream when no one hears
What are we talking about...
It seems to me that we have not been alive for a long time -
We lit up and slowly burn out.
When there are many of us, a fire starts
And the cities are like a crematorium and a bazaar.
And everyone is used to not noticing anything -
When they can't hear you why scream?
[Chorus]:
Surrender or not, but still burn!
[Verse 2, Lumen]:
And again the sky closes on itself words and wires.
And again, answers and water are poured on us from the sky.
And if you suddenly began to understand something;
And from insights, I wanted to yell.
Come on, shout - but you may not be understood;
None of them wants to change anything!
[Chorus]:
You can be silent, you can sing
Stand or run, but still burn.
The huge blue whale cannot break the net.
Surrender or not, but still burn.
We can be silent, we can sing
Stand or run, but still burn.
Burn, but do not burn, otherwise life is boring!
Burn but don't burn - burn to shine!
About the song
- Whatever it is, whatever you feel, know everything, you are not alone, there are many people who can understand, many who can hear. Down with gloom! There are days that tear apart the veils of shadows with the endless smile of loved ones, even if there are not so many of them, even if there are some temporary misunderstandings. This is a lie. Slander. Lie. Love is stronger. Love wins. Love overcomes everything, and love will help you not to give up. Love always. Burn - all my life. Love.
If I had a camera, I would definitely film this scene. A weary, respectable man defiantly examining the patterns on a restaurant napkin, and a sweet woman, a fussy laugher, endlessly twirling in her chair, telling him something animatedly. The waiter brought the bill. The man revived. The lady interrupted her chirping in mid-sentence, a shadow of bewilderment ran across her face. Suspiciously, with a narrowed look at her husband, she gave out: “Vasya! You can't hear me at all!"
They really don't hear us. We are talking on different languages. Entire scientific systems have been created to increase the effectiveness of communications, but in reality we still do not understand each other better. What's more, it has been scientifically proven that primates have half the speed of establishing a full understanding than humans.
Is science worth it?
People are divided into visuals, audials, kinesthetics... Each way of perception has its own system of signs encrypted in speech. For example, to attract attention to the visual, you should say - look, and to the auditory - listen. NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) develops this topic in detail, it also teaches how to use this knowledge. Knowing the “leading system” of the interlocutor, you can get an additional bonus even when making the first contact, but the trouble is that not everyone is able, even after going through a long NLP course, to immediately and by eye determine who is in front of him: an auditory or kinesthetic, and you need to communicate anyway ... And even if you know who is in front of you, this does not guarantee success at all, because a conversation built according to all the canons of NLP, for some reason, more resembles not communication, but “wiring”. Behind the “correct” speech, sincerity and spontaneity are lost - what we value so much in live communication with each other, but unconscious pressure on the will is fully present. Therefore, NLP, created to improve the quality of people's relationships, has not taken root in personality-oriented psychology and is successfully used only in business.
I recently saw one such unfortunate Enelper. It was in the Moscow metro. The guy squared the girl in the best traditions of NLP. And he breathed in time, and sighed in time, and casually touched the pen, and repeated the phrases after her. And the girl listened, looked so pitifully, grimaced as if from a slice of lime and gave out: “Well, I don’t like you!” That's all science.
Contact interrupted!
Most often, the loss of contact during a conversation is psychological reasons. These are the nuances of human relationships. Here are some of the main reasons why others stop hearing us.
You turned up at the wrong time
We start talking to others not when they are interested, but when we want it. Therefore, the probability of being heard comes down to the ability to choose the moment.
Fat lady in an expensive fur coat in the store “Show me this bra. Girl, girl! .. Completely deaf? The saleswoman, at that time serving another customer, got it for nothing at all. She's not deaf, she's just busy.
Also with my husband. “Janis, I'm calling from the store! There is…” - but Janis immediately disconnects, because he has a meeting. It would have been different if his wife had asked him if he could speak. She didn't ask, but in annoyance threw the phone into her purse. A scandal awaits them at home. Where is the ability to listen at all?
The interlocutor is not deeply interested in either the topic or you yourself
"Mom, mom, mom!" - the child addresses for the hundredth time. But she is not up to him, she is enthusiastically chatting with her friend. On a small palm there is a sandy kulichka, the edges have already collapsed and the whole figure is about to crumble into dust. The child wants to show it to his mother. "Mom, look, mom!" Mom finally notices the almost crying child: “Why are you pulling me?” In the next second, her hand demolishes the sand miracle: “You always drag all kinds of dirt” - shakes off the baby’s hands with a glove, hit on the pope - get out of here. The conversation with the girlfriend continues, the child is confused and almost cries. A little later, he will understand - there is no need to force someone who does not care about you to talk. Or maybe, on the contrary, he will begin a painful search for circumstances when he will be listened to at all costs. Leaders of parties and sects sometimes grow out of such people. Both Hitler and Stalin grew up as an inconspicuous child. Who knows how many times they have looked for opportunities to be heard?
You are on a different wavelength!
I have now gone online. I received a letter from a girl who once attended my seminar and included my address in her personal address book. Since then, from time to time, about once a month, she sends me and her friends letters of the same content. They use the word "orange" through the word. “I wish you an orange mood on this orange frosty day!..” Well, what would it seem like here? Well, loves a man Orange color... I got bored, sitting in frozen Moscow, I thought about others, I decided to cheer people up. But I suddenly caught a wild irritation in myself. And the reason is that I personally do not sit in the frosty capital at all, but in the warm, sunny south, in a small hotel high in the mountains, fresh, moist air flows through my window and everything around is saturated with a delicate green-blue color. And not orange! And everything else is great. And the girl is good. But for some reason, I had the feeling that uninvited guests broke into my cozy single room.
Is it worth listening to you?
Good question, right? Indeed, why did we decide that it should be important and interesting for people to listen to us? You probably noticed behind yourself how sometimes you began to listen to the conversation of complete strangers in transport? Why? Heard a familiar name, or people are talking about something you're curious about. And the monotonous, boring story of a friend for the hundredth time about what a wonderful lover she has, catching up with melancholy and sleep. So, if you see that your interlocutor is starting to nod off, change the subject immediately. It's not that he's being impolite, it's that you got carried away!
You just can't hear
Because you speak very quietly, you have to strain your ears all the time. This is what insecure people usually say. They still swallow the endings and their intonations are weakly expressed, so even funny joke in their performance it seems like a funeral story. Having expressed their thoughts, these people themselves are immediately afraid of the initiative shown and begin to justify or explain that they wanted to say "something a little different." Torturing themselves and the interlocutor, they wait for an assessment and, of course, they receive it. Negative! Is it any wonder that after a while they stop listening to them at all?
You press!
The psyche of any person is arranged in such a way that it turns off with excessive pressure on the will. “My child can’t hear me, help!” - the mother of a ten-year-old son seeks advice. When they leave the office, I involuntarily listen to the sounds outside the door. Mom's voice on one shrill note. "Stupid! Put on a jacket. Put on! Put on your jacket! Put on a jacket, I told someone, dumbass! It is strange that the child did not lose his hearing at all.
Speaking of hearing loss
Hearing problems are known to occur when a person refuses to listen to others. The reason, as a rule, is the quality of the transmitted information. Now psychologists are talking about specific - functional hearing loss, when there is no visible damage to the hearing aid, but the person nevertheless does not hear or does not catch any specific sounds, timbres or words. Forecasts of specialists are disappointing. By 2010, up to 20% of metropolitan residents will suffer from such a specific disorder. The reason is also called - we are overloaded with information and the emotional component that it carries in itself. "Horrible! Today! child! Raped!” - rushes from the screen while you drink a cup of morning coffee. Do you want to hear it? No! Wait - and soon you will no longer catch the words that frighten you. How does this relate to issues of mutual understanding of people? Very simple. If you want to be heard - speak calmly! The fewer emotions, the greater the chance that no one will be afraid and find the strength to listen to the words.
Elena Shubina
