In order to be a real Jewish mother, you do not need to belong to the chosen people and do not even have to have children. You can be an Irish hairdresser, a Wall Street broker, or a Swedish cashier.
A real Jewish mother lives for the sake of her children. We will agree right away that if she does not have children, she will find someone to live for, because living her own life or, God forbid, for her own pleasure is completely unacceptable for her.
She does not get enough sleep, does not eat up, exhausted at work, and then at home. It doesn't matter how she exhausts herself - she cleans baseboards with a toothbrush, prepares a separate breakfast for everyone, or checks every letter. homework She works hard for her loved ones. And relatives should not forget about it.
Being a real Jewish mother is a high art. If you master it, then your life will become the envy of friends and girlfriends. If you are not diligent enough in training, with your own hands you will bring closer that rainy day when the child realizes that he can do without you.
Anyone who wants to become a Jewish mother with capital letter"E" it is important to understand that the main feeling that you should cause in your loved ones is guilt. There is a saying "Beat the child every day. Even if you do not know what he was guilty of, he certainly knows." A Jewish mother uses a different wisdom: "Sigh more often in pain. If you do not know what your loved ones are to blame for you, they know for sure."
In order for the feeling of guilt to firmly settle in the soul of your children and relatives, it is first of all necessary to study basic technique suffering. It's not easy, but I'm sure you can handle it. Let's start with facial expressions. Mournfully purse your lips and at the same time lower the corners of your mouth down, draw your eyebrows in a “house” so that sorrowful wrinkles lie between them. Happened? Very good. Now look. All the sorrows of the world, placed by fate on your shoulders, should be reflected in the eyes. You can lower your eyes "down" - "I am a modest worker and no matter how much I have to endure" or raise "grief" - "God, only you see how I suffer."
Practice in front of a mirror. A few days of hard training and any professional weeper will envy you. If someone close to you catches you doing these exercises and asks "Mom! What happened ?!" Answer with hidden anguish: "Nothing. It's all right. I'm sure it will pass soon."
With this inimitable facial expression, you can now safely give your son the famous two ties, and then ask "Didn't you like the second one?", tell your husband "Put on a sweater, I'm cold!" sigh so that the daughter could hear "When you are married, I can finally die in peace." In fact, you don't have to say anything at all. Every breath you take will bind those close to you with a sense of guilt, like a rope.
Oh, how my grandmother's mournfully pursed lips angered me and her "of course, all times are the same for you." What were those "times"? But any cold would certainly turn into a tragedy, and "grazing" our granddaughters in the country into an unbearable sacrifice. All this with a martyred face and constant stories about the caring and attentive children of Maria Alexandrovna or Tsili Yulievna. Never a word in simplicity, no direct reproaches. She adored us, but the parents had to constantly be aware of what she was sacrificing for us, and feel guilty. Alas.
Thanks grandma. Because today I am perfectly able to recognize "Jewish mothers" and I have a good immunity to them. And when I suddenly catch myself on these intonations of the small-town Drama Queen, I start to laugh and say to myself "Turn off Grandma Sarah!"
But still, these intonations no-no yes emerge. This indestructible "Jewish mother" comes from somewhere in me. Yes, and others often sin this. Moreover, not only people of my generation or older, but also much younger. Surprisingly, even children master these "skills" with ease.
I'm wondering, do you feel the features of a "Jewish mother" in yourself? And why do you think we need it?
3. Resentment. Dan Greenberg, author of How to Be a Jewish Mother, gives examples of how a manipulative mother uses her resentment to gain control over her children. He calls it the "Technique of Fundamental Suffering":
"To fully master the Fundamental Suffering Technique, you must put your full attention to it.
Imagine a sidelong glance, a wrinkled forehead, twisted lips - this is an expression of unbearable pain, which can only be caused by about eight non-healing wounds or severe gastritis.
The following key phrases illustrate the use of resentment to control:
a) "Go and have fun (and don't worry about my unbearable headache) ";
b) "Don't worry about me";
c) "I don't mind at all being at home all alone";
d) "I'm glad it happened to me and not to you" /12/.
4. Trust. Typical scammers use trust to make deals. IN English language the word con artist comes from the word confidence. So, an experienced seller tries in every possible way to inspire confidence in the buyer. He makes you believe that his firm is the most respected in the whole world, their product is the best there is, and that he is the most honest person on earth. When this honest man finally convinces you to sign the receipt for this great product, he says, "And remember, I trust that you will pay for the goods you receive on time."
5. Love. The use of love as one of the means for manipulation can be illustrated by the following phrase: "If you really love me, then you ...". Young widows often have to deal with money-hungry men who offer to make them a party, forcing them to believe in their love. The use of love for the purpose of manipulation is quite common. Dan Greenberg offers mothers (of course, ironically at them) seven main ways of self-sacrifice in order to be able to manipulate sons with love:
a) Stay up all night to prepare him a good breakfast.
b) Leave yourself without lunch, but give him the biggest apple with you to school.
c) Refuse evening work at a charity so that he gets the car on time.
d) Accept the existence of the girl he dates.
e) Don't let him know that you've fainted from exhaustion twice in the department store. (But make sure he knows you will never let him find out.)
f) When he comes back from the dentist, take his toothache on you.
g) Open the window in his bedroom so that he has more fresh air, and close it in yours so as not to create drafts /13/.
Patterns of pretending manipulators
Before moving on to consider the creative awareness we need to not fall under the influence of the manipulators that exist in our lives, we need to learn to recognize, experience and honestly express the true feelings that we experience. Instead of real feelings, the manipulator has a whole repertoire of patterns of feigned behavior developed by him, which is so necessary for him in Everyday life. Of course, you will easily learn these tricks:
1. Substitution of one feeling for another. Many of us have expressed anger when we were actually hurt. We did this because anger is a more predictable emotion. We know what happens after we get angry: opposite side most likely to get angry too, and we are ready for it. If we are offended, then we would have to reveal ourselves to someone, and we do not know what will happen next. So since we are afraid to trust him, we demonstrate our anger instead of resentment, replacing one emotion with another. This is what a woman does who screams with tears in her eyes: "You piss me off!" At other times, using the same manipulative pattern of pretense, we express anger when we are actually afraid. Recall that example with the driver, retrained as a passenger in the back seat. When he yells at the driver, "Now stop driving at this speed or you'll be fined for speeding," what he really wants to say is, "I'm scared when you're driving so fast."
But don't think that you never use this replacement pattern. We say to our grieving friend, "I feel just as bad as you." In this case, we come close to expressing love, but we don't really love. Love can be expressed very simply: "I'm worried about you and I'm worried about what happened, and I mourn." But it seems very risky to us to utter such a phrase, and we are afraid to do it. We may allow ourselves to cry when another person is suffering, hoping to demonstrate our love to him, but this is not love. We must say this clearly and unequivocally: "I love you."
2. Emotional carousel. Sometimes we experience so many different feelings at the same time that we do not express any of them adequately enough for the other person to understand us. Instead, we sow only confusion around us. This is how a hysterical woman behaves: one feeling is suddenly replaced by another, and none of them has time to fully manifest itself. She manipulates because by expressing all her feelings in a single crazy outburst, she thereby does not allow any response to appear. Thus, she manages to control others, forcing them to do what she wants.
So, for example, the mother has no desire to leave home for the weekend with her family, as her father planned, and she becomes sick. The family expresses their bewilderment and she starts an emotional carousel. Starting with her father pissing her off, she jumps to her concern for the health of the children who are about to leave without her, and then to the fact that the veterinarian who treats their dog cannot be trusted, although he has been doing this for years. . Having left everyone in complete confusion, she falls into a bad mood, asks to be left alone and says that she is staying at home.
3. Experience of feelings on the principle of delayed reactions. You must have met people who, as they say, "comes like a giraffe." They may say to you, "You know, I was very angry with you last week." Last week?! And it took him a whole week to realize he was angry? Actually it is not. He was aware of his feelings last week, but his manipulative mindset gave him a rationalization: if you don't know that he's mad at you, then he won't have to make contact with you. And that's exactly what he needs to avoid. I realize this when my patient starts another meeting by saying, “I was so mad at Jane last week… Her words about the abortion just pissed me off.” In fact, his saying means: "I know it's too late now to attack me for these words."
4. Feigning ignorance that someone has some normal feelings. Many of us have probably met someone who boasts, "My wife and I have a wonderful marriage - we never fight." Such a statement always causes a surge of indignation in me. Yes, this is complete nonsense! Just because normal people are like sandpaper and can't help scratching each other sometimes. Of course they quarrel, because they have feelings, normal human feelings, although they may pretend to have masterfully disposed of them.
5. Identification of our feelings with facts. We say to someone: "You are a fool!" This is not a fact at all, since you did not actually measure his intelligence. However, many of us suffer under the mistaken belief that such an opinion, if it comes from the depths of the soul, is a real fact. If instead you say, "I think you're a fool," then you're actually proving the fact (and likely getting slapped in the nose for it).
Praiseworthy exceptions include French Canadians Rodolphe and Luc Morisette, authors of A Brief Course in the Marriage Guerrilla, Guglielmo Gulotta of The Comedies and Dramas of Marriage, Ronald Lang, author of The Knots, and Maru Selvini, author of The Magician Without Magic. - a well-known psychologist who managed to clearly show how badly the modern school system needs mistakes and miscalculations school psychologists to change without changing anything, and with increasing success to stimulate change in the chosen direction. Not to be passed over in silence are my friend Dan Greenberg's How to Become a Jewish Mother and How to Get Yourself Bad, an important work that has been hailed by critics as "an honest and sincere document that has taught more than a hundred thousand readers how to eke out an existence, really meaningless." And finally, last - in order, but by no means least - to mention the three most significant representatives of the British school: we are talking about Stephen Potter, the author of "The Complete Course of Learning to Excellence Over Others in Any Matter", the discoverer of the "Peter Principle" Lawrence Peter and worldwide famous author of the law named after him, Cyril Northcote Parkinson.
With several decades of clinical experience behind him, the author hopes to supplement all this excellent research with an introductory practical guide, which contains the most reliable and effective techniques for guaranteeing a state of unhappiness. Despite such encouraging promises, the author does not pretend to create a complete and exhaustive textbook - this is just a series of tips and recommendations that will enable the most gifted readers to develop their own individual style that meets their natural tastes and inclinations.
THE MAIN THING IS TO ALWAYS BE TRUE TO YOURSELF AND NEVER GIVE UP FOR ANYTHING
This pearl of wisdom dates back to the time of Shakespeare's Hamlet and is associated with the name of the chief royal adviser Polonius. In order to explain the significance of this character for the topic of our story, namely, how to forge your misfortune with your own hands, we recall that Polonius managed to bring the ability to remain faithful to himself to such a virtuoso level that he was finally “mistaken for a rat” and pierced with a sword along with the carpet, behind which he had the imprudence to hide. Let us note by the way that, apparently, in the Danish kingdom at that time another pearl of wisdom was still unknown, which says that eavesdropping at the door is by no means the most successful way to find out something pleasant about yourself.
It may be objected that in this case the art of creating one's own misfortunes has been brought to very hypertrophied dimensions, which are beyond the scope of this study, but one cannot deny Shakespeare the right to some poetic exaggerations. Whatever it was, but the basic principle still remains in force.
Living in constant conflict with the whole world and, most importantly, with the people around you is, in general, quite a simple matter. It is much more difficult to comprehend and bring to perfection the art of being unhappy alone with yourself, not depending on others and not needing their services. We can always reproach a partner for a lack of love, suspect the wickedness of our superiors, or blame the weather for our bad mood, everyone can easily cope with this. But our task is to manage this important matter without any outside help. How can you become your own worst enemy?
Unfortunately, folk proverbs and sayings can serve as a reliable guide. Being the expression of so-called common sense or some mysterious instinct of truth, popular wisdom conceals for us an inexhaustible source of inspiration. The main thing is not to pay any attention to the fact that for any of these sayings you can always find another that has a completely opposite meaning.
When a person honestly expresses the five basic feelings, this means that he has embarked on the path of actualization. On the other hand, the manipulator is also well aware of the importance of these feelings and often tries to use them in order to control other people. Let's look at a few examples.
1. Anger. The manipulator may show anger to intimidate others. Of course, you have met manipulators who, with their screams and rude speech, discourage people from establishing contact with them.
2. Fear. Eugene Burdick suggested that the manipulator uses fear combined with hatred: “He sits at the console and gives them what he thinks they need: today a little fear, tomorrow a little hatred. And other days he gives them both at the same time. and others. They tremble before him and adore him, considering him the most remarkable person in the world. "
First, try to portray a strabismus. Then bring your eyebrows together, lower the corners of your lips and try to remember the pain that has ever pierced you, such, for example, as happens with acute gastritis.
Remember also some key phrases that should be pronounced, because only a pained facial expression is not enough:
"Go take a walk (and don't worry about my headache).
Do not worry about me.
I don't mind at all being home alone.
I'm glad it happened to me and not to you."
4. Confidence. In the commercial realm, scammers use trust to steal money from people. In English, the word "con artist" itself comes from the word confidence (confidence) and means "player on trust". And any experienced seller is trying in every possible way to inspire confidence in the buyer. He makes you believe that his firm is the most respected in the world, that their product is the best on the market, and that he is the most honest person that has ever lived. When this honest man finally convinces you to sign the receipt for this great product, he says, "And remember, I trust that you will pay for the goods you receive on time."
5. Love. The use of love as one of the means of manipulation can be illustrated by the phrase: "If you really love me, then ..." Young widows often have to deal with men greedy for their money who offer to make them a party, forcing them to believe in their love . The use of love for manipulative purposes is quite common. Dan Greenberg jokingly offers seven basic "love sacrifices" for mothers to manipulate their sons:
"Stand up all night to make him a good breakfast.
Stay without lunch to put an extra apple in his briefcase.
Give up night work at a charity so he can use the car.
Come to terms with the existence of the girl he dates.
Don't tell him that you fainted from exhaustion twice in the department store when you bought him a shirt. (But make sure he knows you will never tell him about it.)
When he gets back from the dentist, take on his toothache.
Open the window in his bedroom so he can get fresh air, and close it in yours to keep out the drafts."
Manipulative tricks.
In order not to fall under the influence of the manipulators that exist in our lives, we first need to learn to recognize, experience and honestly express our true feelings. On the contrary, the manipulator develops a whole repertoire of deceptive emotional manifestations. Let's look at some of the most common ones.
1. Replacing one feeling with another. Many of us express anger when we are actually hurt. We behave this way because anger is a more predictable emotion. It's not hard to imagine what might happen after our angry speech - the other side will also get angry. We are ready for this. And when we admit to another person that he hurt us, anything can happen, and his reaction is unpredictable. He may get angry, he may burst into tears, he may be coldly surprised. Therefore, instead of heartache we show anger. At other times, using the same deceptive device, we express anger when we are actually afraid.
2. Emotional carousel. This technique is to unleash an avalanche of emotions on those around us, without letting them figure out what exactly we are actually experiencing. This is how a hysterical woman behaves, whose feelings burst one after another, like soap bubbles, not having time to form and be identified. By expressing her feelings in this way, she does not allow others to adequately respond to them. Because of this, she can control them to get her way.
For example, the mother does not want to go out of town on the weekend, as previously agreed. So she pretends not to feel well. The family does not hide their frustration over her illness and the fact that the trip is being cancelled. And then the mother climbs the "emotional merry-go-round". She jumps from one emotion to another, starting with the fact that her father drives her crazy with his indifference, and ending with concern for the health of the children, who are "something terribly pale in Lately". A postscript may be dissatisfaction with the veterinarian, who last time "did not show any participation" during the preventive examination of their dog. Having thus confusing everyone, the mother sinks into despondency and wearily asks to be left alone and "finally give her peace" .
3. Delayed emotions. "I took offense at you last week," a manipulator might say. What, it took him a week to figure it out? Of course not. It was just that then it was unprofitable to declare one's offense, otherwise one would have to make contact with you. And this is exactly what he seeks to avoid.
4. Elevation to the virtue of the absence of normal feelings. Among your acquaintances, there is probably a person who likes to say: "My wife and I have a great relationship, we never quarrel." When I hear that, I usually explode: "What nonsense!" Normal people are like sandpaper and have to scratch each other quite painfully from time to time. Of course, they quarrel, because they have ordinary human feelings, although they can pretend that they masterfully got rid of them.
5. Identification of feelings with facts. Let's say one person says to another: "You are a fool." This is not a fact, since he did not measure the intelligence of his interlocutor. However, many of us suffer from the misconception that an opinion, if it comes from outside, is bound to carry a message of real fact. Now, if he said: "I think you are a fool," that would really be a statement of fact.
6. Feeling "with a hand on the doorknob". There is a whole cohort of manipulators who are not afraid of the most violent manifestations of feelings, but are ready to run as soon as someone reacts to them. They are afraid of other people's reactions.
The first part of the letter to the Corinthians says: When I was a child, I spoke, understood, thought like a baby, but when I became an adult, I left the infantile"The difficulty with manipulators is that although they become adults and talk and think like adults, feel they go on like children. They avoid any self-actualizing tendencies that would allow them to learn how to work with emotions. But there are no shortcuts to this knowledge. To have even a fraction of it, we will have to go back and relearn how to experience basic emotions.
