The translators did their best to bring the title of the book closer to Russian reality. Original title: Talking to Crazy. How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life. Or communication with household psychos.

Mark Goulston- a psychiatrist specializing in business. Early in his career, he worked with suicidal and violent individuals. This allowed him to create a training course for negotiators for the police and the FBI.
Based on his own experience, he developed the ability to convince any people, and the methods he used to do this formed the basis of the book I Hear Through You.

It happens that attempts to reason with irrational people do not lead to anything. The author explains why this happens and what can be done in different cases.

We all occasionally encounter people with whom a constructive conversation is impossible. How to be with them? Mark Goulston tells how to emerge victorious from destructive communication.

Mark Goulston explains that our brain consists of three layers: ancient brain, midbrain and neocortex. When you lose your head/control, there is a temporary desynchronization of 3 parts of the brain.

Mistakes in parenting:

1. spoiled

Who was often spoiled in childhood, a person in any situation convinces himself:

"Someone will do everything for me."

Such people become emotionally dependent or seek to manipulate other people.

2. criticism

In childhood, these children were often scolded, their form of insanity:

"No matter what I do, I will never be worthy of approval."

They become aggressive people or know-it-alls.

3. ignoring- such a person becomes a pessimist, confident that nothing good will come of his ideas. The form of madness of such people:

"I won't try, I won't risk it."

When a child had the support of loving adults in childhood, it is imprinted in the subconscious. In the future, such people are more relaxed about failures, do not complain, do not blame and do not withdraw into themselves.

Part 1. Basic principles of dealing with psychos - 11
Chapter 1. Understanding Crazy - 13
Chapter 2. Recognizing the Mechanism of Madness - 21
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Part 2. Getting to know the inner psycho - 55
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Part 3. 14 ways to communicate with psychos - 89
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10 Time Travel - 106
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14 Splitting - 133
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21 - I Know What You're Hiding - 169
Part 4. Eight ways to deal with insanity in personal life - 175
Chapter 22 - 177
Chapter 23 Shock Absorption - 185
Chapter 24
Chapter 25 - 193
Chapter 26 - 198
Chapter 27 Reunion - 204
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Part 5. What to do with a real mental disorder - 221
Chapter 30 - 223
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Epilogue - 262
Thanks - 263

The book contains many practical examples with various life situations:

dealing with difficult teenagers
with parents who need help
with hostile colleagues
with uncommunicative spouses
and even with the Federal Tax Service (Federal Tax Service).

The author explains why there is no point in arguing with inadequate people. It's better to avoid an argument. But if you have to interact with such people, then Mark Goulston advises on how to behave better. Feel the craziness and start acting the same

An interesting comparison with a dog that grabbed a hand:

Years ago, someone told me what to do when a dog grabbed your arm. If you trust your instincts and withdraw your hand, the dog will sink its teeth even deeper. But if you use a non-obvious solution and push your hand deeper into the throat, the dog will loosen his grip.
Why? Because the dog will want to swallow, for which he needs to relax his jaw. This is where you put your hand out.
Similarly, you can interact with irrational people. If you treat them as if they are crazy and you are not, they will only go deeper into crazy thoughts.
But if you yourself begin to behave like a psycho, this will dramatically change the situation.

If you meet an inadequate driver on the road:

That big guy could have blown my lungs out. And, perhaps, I would have done this if I tried to reason with him or argue with him.
But I met him in his reality, where I was a bad person and he had every reason to hit me.
Instinctively using a technique I call aggressive submission, I turned him from enemy to ally in less than a minute.

Liked 72 hour rule. When emotions are boiling and you want to do something aggressive in response, but you can regret it later. You have to wait 72 hours.

The whole point is to constantly tell yourself: “This is a nervous breakdown. I will survive it, and it will lead to a personal breakthrough. Therefore, for the next 72 hours, I simply will not do anything that can worsen the situation. ”

It is worth taking into service such advice: when talking with an emotional person, look into the left eye. The fact is that the left eye is connected to the right hemisphere of the brain, which is responsible for emotions and you will have a greater understanding with such a person.

Difficult teenagers to talk to them can be asked a question:

Conclusion

Famous aphorism "Never argue with fools, they will drag you down to their level and crush you with experience" begins to sound in a new way, you understand the essence of why there is no point in arguing . Disputants conduct a dialogue at their level: logician - gives arguments, emotional type - includes emotions, hysteria, reflex - hits or runs away, since "fight or flight" is the most ancient instinct.

Obviously, these people will not find any mutual understanding, since they are not able to hear each other. Before entering into a dialogue with an irrational person, consider whether there are serious reasons for this. Perhaps it's better to retreat than to bring yourself to white heat trying to get such a person to accept and realize reality.

You must understand: tantrums, aggression, whining have nothing to do with you personally:

by such behavior, your counterpart is trying to regain a sense of control over the situation

Everyday madness is not treated by ordinary conversations. Facts and logic will not help here. It is impossible to convince such people. They just can't understand. The reason is a mismatch in the brain (in three structures of the brain), so the brain cannot normally respond to the arguments of the mind.

Awareness of the situation helps to see the ways in which "their" level is being imposed on us and not to succumb to this trick. The most important thing is to take a break, step back, do not take these attacks against you.

I highly recommend reading Mark Goulston's books.:"I can hear you through" And "How to Talk to Assholes". The books complement each other. Very easy and interesting to read. The main thing is to try to put into practice the advice received.

Many women consider themselves the most intelligent and are very actively fighting for the right to be called intellectual madams. They are happy to join in discussions about women's logic, and even try to prove in practice that they have an intellect working anywhere. This approach is not always correct. Sometimes pretending to be a fool is not only useful, but also necessary to defeat the enemy or pinch the victim. The trick I use most often is to pretend that I can't speak English. In a country where Russian is not spoken.

Story 1. A child who does not understand anything.
At the age of 10-12, I became seriously interested in the contents of my mother's locker with vials, jars, brushes and tubes (cosmetics, not wheels, for those who did not guess). Very quickly, my girlfriends and I exhausted half a bottle of expensive and scarce lilac varnish for "samples". As I used the thick, odorous, shiny liquid, I deftly added nail polish remover to the bottle. Soon the contents of the bottle became transparent, and it became impossible to pass it off as varnish. Mom found out. A drop of varnish in a barrel of liquid to remove it caused an explosion of emotions, a scandal and an interrogation. I stood looking down, and could not explain why I, an animal, did this to my mother's treasure. And then dad came up with a saving solution. "She is only in the 5th grade, and they start studying chemistry as early as the seventh," he said. "She (that is, me) has not formed the concept of" concentration ". She does not understand that when varnish is diluted, its concentration decreases, and, consequently, consumer properties deteriorate." Oh, papa, papa, amateur Piaget! I nodded my head vigorously. So the little bitch began to master manipulation techniques.
Remember: from the one who does not understand, there is no demand. No, there is no judgment. Do not take on extra obligations by declaring that you have a mind.

Story 2. Blonde driving
I'm driving a car. Stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. The people in front and on the right are constantly squeezing onto the side of the road. I make the sensible decision to follow them and make a quick exit out of the highway, assuming the jamming event is far ahead. It wasn't here. After 100 meters in the middle of the roadside, a stalled kopeck piece blocks my way, affably flashing with emergency lights. So, we need to go back, squeeze into the barely moving lane. It wasn't here. The old man, leading the constipation with a motor home rammed to him, with a satisfied mug, shows me the middle finger and shouts: "You shouldn't have climbed across the bati into hell!" Mothers with families and dogs in the back seats purse their lips in disapproval. Slobbering teenagers fussily hide pimply faces from my heavy gaze. A jeep is approaching with a tired but imposing businessman in his forties. As he plods along, I put on ruby red lipstick and let my hair down. Putting my lips in a ring, I paint my right eye for a long time. Raising my eyebrows with an apologetic movement, I put on an ingratiating smile and begin to ask: “Sir, we ourselves are not local, uncle, let us through, we didn’t know the way, we wanted to leave, but not to leave, and then the gasoline ends, and the oil flows, yes, drink like that I wish there was nowhere to sleep." "That's a fool," the businessman thinks and waves his hand to me (like, squeeze ahead of me), without looking up from the phone.
Stupidity is charming. If this stupidity also has a luxurious bust and lips with a bow. Do not distract a man with your mind.

Story 3. Song of the humanist
It's not even a story. This is my whole life. Despite the fact that my intellect quite allows me to create and administer sites like Sterva, I convenient occasion I begin to complain about the humanitarian mindset.
This song works especially well when you are too lazy or have no time to understand integrals (there are fans from the Mekhmat for this), tax returns (and what is your husband for?), the technical intricacies of the server (the ace always has a couple of lonely programmers who are ready to help), vacuum cleaner, etc.
Press on the predominance of your "EQ" (emotional intelligence, emotional intelligence). You say that you have been a humanitarian since childhood.
And other, and other.

So what can we use the "play dumb" trick for?

1. Flicker
- Raise his self-esteem.
Every dude considers himself certainly not a fool. If a lady conveys the thesis: "I'm a fool," in contrast, they will understand it as "You're cool." Options: "I am weak" (and you are such a strong and muscular dude), "I am inexperienced" (and you certainly know better what to do).
- Give him a chance to participate.
Some humble individuals are completely unable to independently create situations in which you and they would interact (get to know each other, experience extraordinary moments of being together, watch a movie together, fuck). By playing dumb you call for help and give them a chance to prove themselves. Rescue a cat from a toilet. Push your car out of the garage. Unwind the computer cord wrapped around the chair leg and plug the computer into the network.

2. Get things your way and avoid liability
- An excuse that allows you to be inadequate
Anything, just anything, can get away with it. We calmly do what we need, hiding behind our own stupidity. What will you take from us fools? Here, however, one has to be smart enough to disguise one's strategic activity as meaningless and inadequate (although, of course, annoying the enemy or victim) activity. For maintaining the reputation of a fool is also work (although, by default, luxurious blondes like me always fall under the stereotype of an idiot).
- Vigilance Sleep
Nobody expects a secretary to be capable of mental activity. However, if a person with a brain gets access to all the information that passes through the empty skull of a secretary, this person can become a gray cardinal in the organization. How many of them, smart girls pretending to be secretaries, are waiting in hiding?
- Let them do the work for you
Well, I'm too lazy, too lazy to bake pies! Several unsuccessful attempts - and now my husband no longer asks me to cook dinner. He either leads us to a restaurant or stands by the stove himself. What's wrong with the deal?

How to play dumb.
The better and more well-groomed you look, the more likely you are to be mistaken for an idiot. Cross-cultural (!!) jokes about stupid blondes are not an accident, but stereotypes play a huge role in people's perception.
Never show that you know who Tony Blair is. It is enough to know the names "Vladimir Putin" and "George Bush" (DO NOT use the synonym "Zhora Kustikov" for the latter: you may be suspected of knowing foreign languages).
Speak more (rags, gossip - a standard set). Let them think that what is on your tongue is everything that is on your mind.
In a conversation, always look at the interlocutor very carefully, sometimes mumbling to yourself (repeating) his words. It should look like you are trying very hard to follow the thread of the conversation and not wanting to miss a single word. Then answer casually.
Use body language: put your head on your shoulders, smile innocently and spread your arms.

Men are also not fools to pretend to be idiots sometimes. Usually they pretend to be fools in two cases:
1) To avoid performing any duties ("Honey, I forgot how to tie my shoelaces. Will you dress your son for school?");
2) To get you into bed (the examples are countless).

But, I must say, men are rather weak in using this technique. Sometimes I just don’t understand: either they take me for a fool, or they themselves pretend to be idiots, or there are idiots.

You can spend your whole life dreaming about one person, and then find happiness with a completely different person. .

C. Walker

People cannot be trusted - that's the whole horror.

Ray Bradbury

- You are strange.

- Not strange. I just do what I want. And I say what I want.

“It’s not easy, it must be.

- No more difficult than others. They spend time and energy to be like everyone else, and I - to be myself. The costs are the same. The result is different. Matsuo Monroe.

E If she's awesome, it won't be easy with her. If it's easy with her, then she's not awesome. If she's worth it, don't give up. If you give up, then you don't deserve it. Bob Marley.

Everything in life is for the better. And if people have turned away from you, then life simply saves you from garbage. A. Jolie

You can not become attached to people with all your heart, this is a fickle and dubious happiness. Even worse is to give your heart to one single person, for what will be left if he leaves? And he always leaves.. E.M. Remarque