Psychological security is a property of a mature personality, which depends on intelligence, attentiveness, a penchant for analysis, critical thinking and emotional stability. Here are some tried and tested tricks for you. psychological protection.
If you get stung by one or even several bees, it can be good for your health. But if you are attacked by a swarm of wasps or you find yourself a victim of a bite of a poisonous snake, then you will not do well. Your competitors, ill-wishers or enemies are capable of inflicting no less harm on you, just by using words that hurt your soul as a psychological weapon. And the longer you worry about this, the more likely you are to be in the camp of the losers.
“If a person shows that he is irritated and unable to control his emotions, he needs to do something else, and not work with people,” the Frenchman Michel Fadoul, who has achieved brilliant success in business at the world level, confidently stated.
Psychological security is a property of a mature personality. It consists of a whole complex of such characteristics as the level of intelligence, worldview attitudes, attentiveness, a tendency to analyze and reflect, critical thinking, and emotional stability.
Ask yourself and others magical questions more often: what, where, when, how, why and why? Try to imagine the whole panorama and dynamics of the event, to see the whole picture as a whole and note the contradictions, inconsistencies and white spots, carefully consider the details. They are the necessary material for assessing the reliability of information.
We offer you several methods of psychological defense developed by us and tested in our trainings.
Reception "Fan". Analyze what you react to most painfully. What annoys you? What infuriates or discourages you? Remember the specific words, intonations, gestures of your opponents or offenders.
Close your eyes and remember again all the most offensive, biting, burning words that make you feel confused and worthless or powerful flashes aggression.
Now imagine that you are sitting opposite the person who inflicts these psychological blows on you. It is he who speaks cruel, hurtful words to you. And you feel like you are already starting to "wind up". Bring on the feeling of being hit. What part of your body reacts to it? What is happening: is there a heat in the whole body, or is something shrinking inside, or maybe just breathing is interrupted? What exactly is happening to you?
Use the emotional ventilation technique. Imagine that between you and the offender there is a powerful fan, which immediately takes his words to the side, their sharp arrows do not reach you.
And further. Make a figure with your right hand and cover it with the palm of your left hand. Mentally direct it to the person who is trying to throw you off balance. Remember how the same fig helped you "revenge" the offender as a child.
Open your eyes, and you will surely feel that now you are able to withstand such psychological shock.
Reception "Aquarium". If, when dealing with people who are negatively disposed towards you, you continue to react painfully to their attacks, use this technique. Imagine that between you and your offender there is a thick glass wall of an aquarium. He says something unpleasant to you, but you only see him, but you don’t hear the words, they are absorbed by the water and only bubble with foam on the surface. That's why they don't work for you. And you, without losing self-control and peace of mind, do not succumb to provocation, do not react to offensive words. And thanks to this, you turn the situation in your favor.
Reception "Disneyland". The morbidity of a psychological blow can be mitigated, if not completely eliminated, by treating all people as if they were small children. You do not take offense at unintelligent children?
Imagine that you are alone against a whole group of people who are negative towards you. The preponderance of forces is on their side. And you have only one chance to turn the tide: imagine them as a group of children on the playground. They get angry, act up, scream, wave their arms, throw toys on the floor, trample them with their feet. In general, they try their best to piss you off. But you, as an adult, a wise man, treat their antics like childish pranks and keep your cool until they run out of steam. You do not perceive their words as insults, do not react to their attacks. It's funny for you to watch all this as an adult ...
Reception "Fox and grapes". If there were cases in your past when someone managed to annoy you so that the experience of defeat is still there, use the technique of rationalization, removing negative "anchors". Remember the fable "The Fox and the Grapes": not reaching for the bunch of grapes, the fox said that she did not really want grapes - they are sour and green.
Reception "Ocean of calm". Imagine yourself as the main character of the parable: "The ocean receives the waters of many turbulent rivers, and at the same time remains motionless. The one into whom all thoughts and emotions also flow remains impassive at rest."
Reception "Theatre of the Absurd". You can use such a technique of psychological defense as bringing the situation to the point of absurdity. This is basically the same thing as making an elephant out of a fly. That is, to exaggerate out loud beyond recognition what someone is only hinting at, and thus unexpectedly knock psychological weapons out of the hands of their enemies or ill-wishers. Your goal is to make sure that any attacks of the ill-wisher no longer cause anything but laughter. This is the solution to the problem of how to protect yourself from a psychological attack.
Reception "Puppet Theatre". If you find it difficult to communicate with people who are emotionally significant to you, use this technique. Imagine that they are just caricatured characters from the TV show "Dolls". And let them say stupid things while talking to each other. And you just observe it from the outside and make your assessments. Like, this smart guy is pretending to be a superman, and the other is playing a strong personality, a professional, and he is a weakling, just bluffing. Play this show until you laugh. Your laughter is an indicator that the technique has worked.
Antonina Glushchak
press secretary and leading specialist of the Academy of Irrational Psychology
From the site
Comment on the article "Take the hit: methods of psychological defense"
Thanks for the article. Very useful. It is like a pill, but there are no side effects from it.
yesterday, on the street, a drunk passing by kicked me in the kidney and went on.
09/21/2008 11:56:22 am, lightsI parked my car in front of the store. The old woman, not noticing me, almost jumped under my wheels, although I saw her and moved very carefully. How she screamed! I turned out to be a reptile, and a murderer, and a hamlo, and I will definitely get into an accident soon.
At first I just wanted to kill her, but after thinking a little, he said to her to himself "thanks for the warnings, I'll be more careful." The tension immediately subsided, I didn’t want to kill anyone anymore.
Total 5 messages .
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Many people know what they should do if they encounter an aggressive animal. For example, with a dog. The usual behavior in such a situation is to remain apparently calm and not make too sudden movements unless you are in real danger. Similarly, when faced with an aggressive person, you need to behave in a special way.
How to behave from an aggressive person
1. If possible, leave the danger zone in which the aggressive person is located. Anger and aggression often fade away when there is no person in the immediate vicinity who can become the object of aggression.
2. Do not try to reason and calm an aggressive person until such time as his emotions begin to subside and he is able to think adequately. Otherwise, he simply will not hear you, and your very behavior will be perceived as aggression towards himself.
3. Do not show counter-aggression towards an angry person. In most cases, a struggle for power and leadership will follow.
4. Speak calmly and kindly, with a normal, even somewhat slow pace of speech.
5. Don't get too close to the aggressive person. Intrusion into his personal zone can be perceived as a need to attack. Keeping your distance will allow you to avoid a surprise attack.
6. Do not smile broadly, as this may not be perceived at all as you expected it. Recall that a smile is a grin that has evolved in the minds of people, the main purpose of which was to demonstrate teeth, i.e. a threat, not a demonstration at all good relationship. The man who is under too strong influence emotions, can react to a wide smile very aggressively.
7. Do not get into arguments, as no logical arguments will break through emotions.
9. Be aware of the possibility of using the police to calm down an aggressive person if you feel that events are beginning to take on a dangerous character. Call and let them know problem situation.
10. If there is no way to avoid a conflict with an aggressive person, then take care of your own protection.
It should be remembered that aggressive behavior may not be emotional, but specially planned behavior. The object of aggression in this case is a consciously chosen victim. In this case, the approaches listed above will not always work.
Be considerate of the people around you. Aggressive behavior usually does not arise abruptly and suddenly, but is the result of accumulated internal contradictions and resentments. Your help and sympathy, when you see that a person is bad, can prevent the occurrence of aggressive behavior at all.
Aggressive behavior in some cases can act as a manifestation of the work of protective mechanisms and serve as a signal of the intensification of psychological defense. Its function is to “enclose” the sphere of consciousness of negative experiences that traumatize the personality. As long as the information coming from outside is not used up by the person's idea of the world around him, of himself, the person does not experience discomfort. But as soon as any discrepancy is outlined, a person faces a problem: either change the ideal idea of \u200b\u200bhimself, or somehow process the information. It is with the choice of the latter strategy that psychological defense mechanisms begin to operate. Psychological protection is determined by the subjective significance of the event for a person. According to E. Kirshbaum and A. Eremeeva, psychological defense is not normal, but an unusual way of resolving the situation and psychological regulation of behavior. This method is used in situations of difficulty or some kind of impossibility, and, therefore, is initiated by exceptional, acute situations.
A common feature of all types of psychological defense is that it can be judged only by indirect manifestations. The subject is aware not only of some of the stimuli that affect him, which have passed through the so-called "significance filter", but is reflected in behavior and much of what was perceived in an unconscious way. When a person has received unpleasant information, he cannot respond to it in various ways. He may reduce the significance of information, deny facts that seem obvious to others, or forget "uncomfortable" information. Psychological defense is an important regulatory system for stabilizing the personality. Plutchik, Kellerman, Conte identified 8 fairly large types of psychological defense associated with basic emotions:
1. Denial
2. Compensation
3. Regression
4. Projection
5. Jet formation
6. Rationalization
7. Displacement
8. Substitution
We can talk about the effect of psychological protection when, for example, instead of identifying the causes of a problem situation, a person begins to look for the “guilty” and thinks out ways to take revenge.
Age features of aggressive behavior
The nature of aggressive behavior is largely determined by recurrent features. Each return stage has a specific situation of development and puts forward certain requirements for the individual. Adaptation to age requirements is often accompanied by various manifestations of aggressive behavior. Crisis, transitional periods are associated with dissatisfaction with one's position, protest behavior, capriciousness and imbalance.
Psychoanalytic research has shown that infants experience frequent temper tantrums, especially in situations where their needs are not sufficiently taken into account. It is a well-known fact that young children, in order to retain their mother's love, tend to be cruel to their newborn brother or sister.
Adapting to the requirement kindergarten, kids can call names, pinch, spit, fight. Moreover, these actions are performed, as they say, "indiscriminately" - impulsively, unconsciously and openly. Negativism, stubbornness, refusals, nail biting are considered passive manifestations of aggression at this age. Special studies show that the level of aggressiveness and intransigence of children decreases in preschool age.
The child's behavior significantly depends on the emotional climate in the family, primarily on the relationship with the mother. Thus, in particular, relationships with the mother in infancy and early childhood significantly influence the formation of prosocial-aggressiveness. Aggressive children usually grow up in families where there is little interest in the development of the child and prefer punishment to care and patient explanation. In the family, the child undergoes primary socialization. It was revealed that cruel punishments correlate with a high level of aggressiveness in children, and insufficient supervision of children, permissiveness are associated with asocial orientation. Too much freedom of the child, the inability of parents to cope with the energetic and demanding behavior of the son and the inability to teach him the rules of behavior form the style of forceful domination and disobedience. Punishment is effective if it is consistent, adequate to the offense and accompanied by a benevolent explanation of the rules of conduct. Deprivation of rewards, temporary isolation from peers, rather than a demonstration of hostility, can be used as punishments. In general, children's aggression is reverse side defenselessness. If a child feels insecure, numerous fears are born in his soul. In an effort to cope with their fears, the child resorts to defensive-aggressive behavior. Another possible way to overcome fear is to direct aggression towards yourself. Autogression manifests itself in many ways, such as self-destructive fantasies, timidity, or ideas of self-punishment. For preschool children, the most characteristic forms of aggression were damage to toys, throwing objects, episodic rough treatment of animals, passive-aggressive reactions of protest, intransigence and increased stubbornness. At younger preschool age, aggression is more often manifested in relation to weaker students in the form of ridicule, swearing, and fights.
A specific feature of aggressive behavior in adolescence is its dependence on a group of peers against the backdrop of the collapse of the authority of adults. At this age, being aggressive often means "appearing or being strong." In some cases, the initiators of aggressive behavior can be individual adolescent outsiders who are maladjusted for various reasons and who attempt to assert themselves through aggression. O.I. Shlyakhina showed that the aggressiveness of a teenager is determined by his status in the group. Most high level aggression is observed in leaders and outcasts. Thus, adolescence is a period of acute crisis of growing up and is often accompanied by risky behavior and deviations. If parents are ready to give a teenager more independence, independence, to form more equal and cooperative relations with him, then the crisis of growing up passes faster and easier. Despite the widespread prevalence, manifestations of child and adolescent aggressiveness do not have serious negative consequences to others, do not interfere with social functioning and psychological development children and teenagers. Severe forms of violent behavior, antisocial and clearly pathological forms of aggression are observed much less frequently. In general, the age dynamics of aggression corresponds to age-related "crises" at 3-4 years, 6-7 years and at puberty. The most important, “turning point” of the puberty crisis, which is accompanied by a sharp rise in adolescent delinquency, is the age of 14-15 years. At the same time, from this age, physical aggression decreases in both boys and girls.
It can be concluded that aggressive behavior in childhood and adolescence is a fairly common phenomenon. Moreover, in the process of adolescent socialization, aggressive behavior has a number of important functions. Normally, it releases from fear, helps to defend one's interests, protects from external threats, and promotes adaptation. In this regard, we can talk about two types of manifestation of teenage aggression "benign-adaptive" and "destructive-maladaptive". Moreover, not only aggressive manifestations themselves are dangerous for the development of the personality of a child and adolescent, but their result and the wrong reaction of others. When violence provides various privileges, children and adolescents are more likely to develop behaviors based on a culture of power. This type of behavior is the basis of the social functioning of adults, for example, in criminal gangs. The desire of others to suppress aggression by force often leads to an effect opposite to what was expected.
Thus, the life-meaning concept of schoolchildren in grades 6-11 with aggressive manifestations is characterized by poverty and originality of value orientations, more low level formation of meaningful life orientations, tendencies to an external locus of control; preference for material values in comparison with non-aggressive peers, who are characterized by the severity of the value of "happy family life".
Sigmund Freud
The topic of protection against aggression worries a lot of people, especially those who have directly encountered its manifestation and become its victim. This is, without a doubt, a very important topic that needs to be well understood. Each person must be ready to competently, in an organized manner, without losing self-control and without fear of anything, to fight any aggression, no matter who it comes from. He may not have a choice - it is not always possible to run away, hide, or simply give in and surrender to the aggressor, hoping for his mercy. Most often, aggression has to be fought in order not to fall victim to it. But you need to do it competently, wisely, with a cool head. Much is in your hands - you will either win if you act correctly, or lose if you make a mistake. In this article, I will tell you about how you can protect yourself and protect your loved ones from someone else's aggression.
There is a rule in politics that emphasizes territorial and political independence states is a doctrine national security. It is the protection of national security in any state that is given absolute priority over all other policy issues. And this is not surprising - the question of self-preservation is always the main one. And I believe that every person who, as they say, does not give a damn about his own fate and the fate of his relatives and friends, especially children, needs to have a similar doctrine of personal security, which will include the definition of the most likely types of threats with which a person and his relatives may encounter and appropriate ways to protect themselves from them. We live in a world that is far from being the friendliest, in which often those with some kind of power overwhelm and harm those who are weaker. In childhood, many of us were convinced of the great role played by physical strength, with the help of which you can set your own rules for those who are weaker, and in adulthood, money and connections are power, they determine a lot in it. The greatest power is the human mind, the smarter you are, the stronger, because you can do a lot. It is thanks to their mind that people manage to seize large numbers resources and influence other people. All this must be taken into account in your doctrine in order to know what you can oppose to this or that form of aggression.
So, what do you do if someone shows or tries to show aggression towards you. First of all, you need to find out what kind of aggression you are facing, how strong the aggressor is, what capabilities he has and what he is ready to do in confrontation with you. It often happens that the aggressor is nothing, but pretends to have great potential and can turn anyone into dust. Do not give in to threats - your fear can cause you great harm. When a person is afraid, he commits a large number of mistakes and unreasonably losing ground, making the aggressor stronger and bolder. Always study a person, his capabilities, look for as much information about him as possible in order to understand what he really is. Then you will be able to build an adequate line of defense, including in the form of a retaliatory attack. Of course, if you are faced with the whole system - with an organized crime group or government agencies, which illegally put pressure on you, then there is nothing special to study here, because it is already clear that you need to look for non-standard ways of protection in order not to allow the system to crush itself. Remembering that the best defense is an attack, you should always look for weaknesses in the enemy, which, believe me, everyone has. In cases where the aggressor is much stronger than you, it is necessary to act asymmetrically. Never try to strike back knowing that you are weaker than the aggressor. This is especially stupid to do in cases where the whole system is opposed to you. Your heroism will not impress anyone, in this life, in situations like this, only the result matters.
So, what should you do if you are faced with someone's aggression and cannot counter it with symmetrical aggression in response or do not want to do this, and also do not consider it necessary for yourself to make concessions to the aggressor and are not going to run away from him? Let's take a look at your options. The first thing you can try to do is to switch the attention of the aggressor to someone else, that is, to translate the arrows, so to speak. This is one of those manipulation techniques that can allow you, at a minimum, to gain time, and at a maximum, to redirect someone else's aggression in a direction convenient for you. But do not think that you can simply force another person or group of people to switch from you to someone else. This is in principle possible, but in order to use this technique, it is necessary to identify the reason for the manifestation of aggression by people against you. When you know the true cause of aggression, you will be able to appropriately interest the aggressor in switching to someone else, showing him either the usefulness, the profitability of such a switch, or pointing out to him the person who is to blame for what the aggressor accuses you. That is, knowing about the motivation of the aggressor, you can direct his aggression in the direction you need. The simplest example: the boss accuses you of something and wants to fire you, because of some mistake you made. In this case, try to find someone else to blame and convince the boss that it is not you who are to blame, but the other person, other people. This is an elementary technique, many people use it. Only you need to do it competently, so as not just to make excuses and blame other people, but to do it very convincingly - calmly and with evidence. And if bandits ran into you in order, for example, to take money from you or “squeeze” your business, then you can try to switch them to a bigger “fish”, giving them a tip on, for example, your competitor, with detailed description those opportunities, thanks to which they can, as they say, “unwind”. Here, of course, details are very important. I'm just pointing out to you the possibility of using this technique to protect yourself from aggression, but in order to use it successfully, you need to analyze a lot of details of your situation. Keep in mind that this way manipulation of the aggressor needs individual adaptation to each specific case. And you either need to adapt it yourself to your situation, or resort to the help of various specialists - advisers.
Let's look at another way to protect against aggression. It consists in involving a third party or even several parties in the conflict and thus using other people's resources to fight the aggressor. In everyday life, this is called asking for protection from someone. But it may not always be about the protection that needs to be asked for. It can also be about the use of other people's interests for their own purposes. That is, you may be interested in a third party to help you deal with the aggressor, and not just ask her for protection. In childhood, if someone constantly offends a physically weak guy, then he can find a friend among strong guys and become useful to him in some way, so that he protects him from offenders. In world politics, it is in the order of things to have strong allies. Small and weak states maintain a certain connection - economic, political, military with strong states and are under their protection. When military conflicts occur between countries, the ability to attract allies, especially strong allies, is one of the most important tasks for the warring parties. So is a person - the more useful connections he has, the easier it is for him to use them to protect himself from aggression. And in order to acquire these connections, it is necessary to be interesting, profitable, useful to other people. People willingly help those in whom they see benefit for themselves. So draw a third party into your conflict with the aggressor in such a way that it is beneficial for her, the third party, to help you. Life is so arranged that in any business you need to take into account the personal interests of other people in order to cooperate with them, count on their help, support, protection. Otherwise, even those who are formally obliged to help you in some way will not do it. Therefore, learn to interest people, learn to be useful to them, so that if necessary, use them to fight aggressors.
Another good way to defend against aggression - to join the aggressor, go over to his side, become his ally, partner, even if he is the youngest, and in some cases, those whom he can use for some business, some work. That is, you need to try to negotiate cooperation with the aggressor, even if it turns out to be not very beneficial for you. This is true in cases where you cannot openly resist someone's aggression and you have nowhere to run. And by joining the aggressor, you can either completely avert the threat from yourself, or at least buy time to develop a plan for a more effective fight against it. It is clear that joining someone who opposes you is not so easy. Here it is necessary to take into account both the motives and the interests of the aggressor in order to competently fit into them, so to speak. You need to interest him in something in order to agree on cooperation with him. And in order to do this, you need to know about his goals, plans, desires, problems. Sometimes such an attachment to the aggressor is like a betrayal, if, say, a person goes over to the side of the one who is stronger, leaving those who are weaker. But, firstly, it is a personal matter of the person himself, whom to betray, and who to be betrayed. And secondly, you can betray only those to whom you yourself are dear, and who does something for you. And if people do nothing for you, if you are an empty place for them, then you do not owe them anything - neither loyalty, nor devotion, nor honesty. So you can join a stronger one, an aggressor, when you have no one else to protect except yourself and your interests, or when it is simply profitable to do so. The ideal option is to make friends with the aggressor. This will allow you to turn him from your enemy into a friend. However, this is a very difficult task. To do this, you need to be useful to the enemy, so that he sees the benefit for himself in friendship with you. After all, as I wrote above, it is interesting to be friends with those from whom there is a benefit. But you can also become a temporary partner, an ally for the aggressor. You can offer him to join forces to achieve some important goal for him, pointing out his usefulness in this matter. Or you can invite him to “be friends” against someone, against some of his enemy, competitor. In general, the options may be different. The main task is to join the aggressor, go over to his side, become part of his team. Look for this opportunity if you have no other way to protect yourself.
And finally, the last option for protecting against aggression, which we will consider, is the ability to warn it in advance. This is the most difficult option, but also the best. You can resort to it if aggression against you has not yet been applied, but you admit such a possibility. Thinking now about what you will do if you encounter this or that threat, you can not only develop a plan of action in advance, but also psychologically prepare yourself for the fight. This is important in order to, faced with aggression, act competently and calmly, and not on emotions. Of course, it is not easy to think about what not only does not yet exist, but also what one would not like to face. But you have to do it – you have to prepare yourself for struggle, rivalry, competition, hostility. This is part of our life. As a matter of fact, for this I wrote above about the need for you to develop a doctrine of personal security. If you want to feel protected and not just feel, but really be protected from many types of threats, then do not avoid thinking about them, start your fight against aggression in your head, working through various options protection from it, including in the form of a retaliatory attack. Your readiness to fight will serve you well at the very moment when you need it most. No wonder the famous Latin phrase says: “If you want peace, prepare for war.” Let's see what you need to do to prepare yourself to deal with aggression.
1. Study human psychology in order to understand people, understand their motivation, know about their weaknesses and problems. This will allow you to properly deal with them.
2. Master the skills of manipulating people in order to counter primitive brute force with subtle and flexible cunning at the right time. manipulation is great power. All military tactics and strategies are based on it.
3. Learn the laws that you can use in life. Knowledge of the most important laws will allow you to use the resources of the state to protect against aggression and defend your interests. It is also useful to have a personal lawyer so that, if necessary, resort to the services of a trusted and reliable person.
4. Connect with helpful people to be able to use them to solve their problems. This is one of the most important tasks in life for any sane person.
5. Get any weapon available, in some cases it may be your only way to defend yourself against someone else's aggression. An armed man is a strong and free man. A weapon gives a person additional rights and forces other people to reckon with him.
6. Strive to earn more money in ways that are acceptable to you. The advice, of course, is banal, but in this case, I urge you not only to earn a lot, but also to save a certain amount of money in order to use it at the right time to solve your problems. Money, although not all problems can solve, but in many situations they are very useful. Because a lot of things in our life are bought and sold. Just remember that without advanced thinking, without the necessary knowledge, money will not bring you much benefit, since they still need to be able to properly manage. In our case, you need money to solve problems with it, so you must have savings for this purpose, and not in order to consume.
7. And of course, work out various scenarios for the development of events in your life, thinking through your actions in a variety of situations that are hostile to you. Think about what you will do if you find yourself in a dangerous situation for you.
As you can see, friends, there are many ways to resist someone else's aggression. I have named just a few of them. But in reality there are many more ways. The main thing you need to understand is that any form of aggression that you may encounter in life can, and I believe, should be adequately repelled by you. A person who is determined to fight, who wants to protect himself from various threats in every possible way, will always be able to do this. Therefore, never give up, do not give up and do not despair, so as not to allow evil to easily defeat you.
As they say, you cannot live in society and be free from society. And we are all social people, meeting with a mass of other people every day. And every day we all have to deal with the issues of interaction with this mass of other people. And, preferably, such an interaction, after which you don’t feel like a “squeezed lemon”. One of the most common problems of such interaction is foreign aggression.
No one is immune from this, so everyone periodically has to wonder, how to resist someone else's aggression? How not to accept it or how to protect yourself from it?
What should be the position inside so that it simply does not occur to people (even the most notorious "louts") to cling to you and behave aggressively towards you?
Or, if you ask the question in a different way, how do people who rarely encounter the aggression of strangers differ from people who constantly experience its effects on themselves?
I'm not talking about those moments when you are carelessly hurt in line or on the subway, when a cashier who is tired during the day allows herself to talk to you in an annoyed tone, or a person causes aggression by accidentally stepping on his foot.
I am talking about those moments when people purposefully, with full awareness and understanding of what they are doing, behave aggressively towards other people, deliberately “rude”, speak out, push, in general, provoke a person to respond.
I’ll make a reservation right away that never, under any circumstances, aggression appears “just like that” out of the blue, there is always a reason for its appearance. It's just that often this reason is not visible to the naked eye, and a person himself may not realize that he himself is the provocateur of someone else's aggression.
In what form can someone else's aggression manifest itself:
- in the open. Everything is clear here, these are attacks from absolutely strangers, “rudeness” in transport and on the streets, “grandmothers-bulldozers” from the Soviet past, a neighbor - an aggressive drunkard, various kinds of people from the lower social stratum, people who are used to solving their problems in an aggressive way.
- Hidden. Often friends and girlfriends “on the rights of friendship” allow themselves aggression. All this is expressed in impartial statements, advice that was not asked for, in various kinds of “disservices”. And often this is not realized by the person - the aggressor. He is in full confidence that he is "helping" his friend. All sorts of remarks, statements, criticism, just clinging to a person, seasoned with sauce “I know better how you live and what to do”, and aimed at making the person comfortable with such a “friend”, and doing what he wants .
Also here can be attributed people who consider the rest of the "cattle", not noteworthy. Such people always and everywhere behave like "kings", do not take into account other people's opinions, but they do this not in an open form, but showing with all their behavior. They just have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance.
In both cases, a person who has been subjected to someone else's aggression feels "drenched in slops", feels guilty for not being able to defend himself, feels humiliated, insulted, "unsettled".
Who are these people who constantly fall under the influence of foreign aggression? Or maybe not constantly, but periodically, and this complicates life.
Firstly, these are people who themselves have a lot of aggression inside, but who have prohibitions on its manifestation. A person realizes this aggression through the release of aggression from other people.
Here you can draw an analogy with people who are afraid of dogs. The dog feels this subconscious fear and bites or barks at just such a person. The same thing happens in the case of foreign aggression. The energy, internal state of a person is such that he “attracts” aggressors into his life. Surrounding people feel, unmistakably single out the one who can be "naughty", according to the position of the body, voice, facial expressions, appearance, behavior and so on.
Thus life gives feedback. After all, people receive only what they have in themselves, but what they are afraid to admit, or what there are internal, very strong prohibitions.
Suppose a child grew up in an intelligent family, where it was impossible not only to show discontent, to look “wrongly”. AND educational process was aimed at suppressing the individual, all manifestations of discontent, up to a ban on being in a bad mood. This is just one of the examples.
Or families with fathers who are alcoholics, when children, under pain of physical violence, are afraid to anger their father. Imagine a child who grew up under conditions of constant physical abuse and moral humiliation. Such a child, due to his physical weakness in front of an older person, is simply forced to suppress the aggression inside.
Or a child grew up in a family where all problems were solved with the help of shouting, swearing, scolding. And even in adulthood, such a person experiences panic fear, panic, loss before talking in raised tones or rudeness. Up to various phobias.
Many examples can be given, but one thing unites such people.
These people are victims.
The aggressor needs to “drain” aggression, this is obvious, but only to the one who will NOT be able to respond. On the Victim, whose own aggression is suppressed. And since, as a rule, the aggressor inside himself is a Victim (the same suppressed one), he “feels” the same Victim in another person. And even if the Victim starts to “snarl”, then she will do it from the state of the Victim. And it will not lead to any positive result.
Secondly, people who attract aggressors suffer, most often, the so-called "Trauma of the rejected." These are people who themselves seem “too big” in this world, they try to take up as little space as possible in it, they are afraid to seem uncomfortable or interfere with someone. They just psychologically do not allow themselves too much, for example, a higher salary, a more convenient and comfortable place to work, a big house or a car. Liz Burbo talks about this injury in her book. Here's an excerpt:
Being rejected is a very deep trauma; the rejected feels it as a renunciation of his very essence, as a denial of his right to exist. Of all five traumas, the feeling of being rejected appears first, which means that the cause of such a trauma in the life of a person appears earlier than others.
A suitable example is an unwanted child who was born “by chance”. A striking case is a child of the wrong sex. There are many other reasons why a parent rejects their child. It often happens that the parent has no intention of rejecting the child, nevertheless, the child feels rejected for every, even petty, reason - after an offensive remark, or when one of the parents experiences anger, impatience, etc. If the wound not healed, it is very easy to stir it up. A person who feels rejected is biased. He interprets all events through the filters of his trauma, and the feeling of being rejected only intensifies.
From the day the baby feels rejected, it begins to develop a mask fugitive. This mask manifests itself physically in the form of an elusive physique, that is, a body (or body part) that seems to want to disappear. Narrow, compressed, it seems to be specially designed so that it is easier to slip away, take up less space, not be visible among others.
This body does not want to take up much space, it takes on the image of running away, escaping, and all its life it strives to take up as little space as possible. . When one sees a person who looks like an incorporeal ghost - "skin and bones" - one can expect with a high degree of certainty that he is suffering from a deep trauma of a rejected being.
A fugitive is a person who doubts his right to exist; it even seems that it is not fully embodied. Therefore, her body gives the impression of an unfinished, incomplete, consisting of fragments poorly fitted to each other. Left-hand side faces, for example, may differ markedly from the right, and this can be seen with the naked eye, there is no need to check with a ruler. When I talk about an “incomplete” body, I mean those parts of the body where whole pieces seem to be missing (buttocks, chest, chin, ankles are much smaller than calves, hollows in the back, chest, abdomen, etc. ),
Not to be present, so as not to suffer.
The first reaction of a human being who feels rejected is a desire to run away, slip away, disappear. The child who feels rejected and creates a runaway mask usually lives in an imaginary world. For this reason, he is most often intelligent, prudent, quiet and does not cause problems.
Alone, he amuses himself with his imaginary world and builds castles in the air. Such children invent many ways to run away from home; one of them is an expressed desire to go to school.
The fugitive prefers not to be attached to material things, because they can prevent him from running away when and where he pleases. It seems as if he really looks at everything material from the top down. He asks himself what he is doing on this planet; it is very hard for him to believe that he can be happy here.
The fugitive does not believe in his worth, he does not put himself in anything.
The fugitive seeks loneliness, solitude, because he is afraid of the attention of others - he does not know how to behave at the same time, it seems to him that his existence is too noticeable. And in the family, and in any group of people, he is stewed. He believes that he must endure the most unpleasant situations to the end, as if he has no right to fight back; in any case, he sees no options for salvation.The deeper the trauma of the rejected, the stronger he attracts to himself the circumstances in which he is rejected or himself rejects.
And when a person with a "trauma of the rejected" goes out into the street, he often becomes the object of aggression of others. Again, such a person is in the state of the Victim, and people simply “mirror” this state to him.
Third, people who suppress retaliatory aggression in themselves, "swallow" someone else's, do not allow themselves to give an adequate rebuff to the aggressor, are often victims of point, not constant, sudden aggression. For example, many cannot give an adequate rebuff to the boss's aggression. What happens next? A person suppresses a reciprocal aggressive impulse in himself, but this impulse requires compensation, so a person can “break loose” on loved ones in order to compensate for aggression. The one on whom they “broke off” transmits this aggression further until this impulse reaches the source of aggression (that is, the boss). This is how it always happens.
Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. -Keene Hubbard
So, we decided who, most often, those people who constantly experience the action of someone else's aggression. Now the natural question is what to do about it.
How to resist someone else's aggression?
1. Understand yourself.
If a Victim “climbs” out of you - so obvious that it attracts aggressors, then you need to understand where this Victim came from. Whether you have “rejection trauma” or origins in your childhood, you need to understand exactly where you blocked your permission to respond and work in this direction. You need to understand that a person has the right to defend himself and respond to someone else's aggression. But it is more desirable to get rid of blockages and traumas, and then people will reflect your new attitude to you. How to do it?
2. Understand that someone else's aggression is not your problem.
These are the problems of the attacking aggressive person. It is HE who needs to “drain” aggression, and you just got in his way, and he wants to take advantage of this. And it is desirable to understand this not from the state of the Victim, but from the state of understanding that the “boor” is restless inside and he needs to put his spiritual excrement somewhere. And he is looking for such a "colostomy bag" in other people. Do you want to be a "colostomy bag"?
The mere understanding of this already contributes to separating you from the state of the Victim, which means it removes the aggressor's appetite for such “tasty” energy for him. After all, a person who behaves aggressively does it purposefully in order to receive the energy of attention directed at him. Separating your state from the state of the aggressor will allow you not to react too violently, which means not to let him recharge with your emotions.
3. Give an answer to the aggressor in an acceptable form.
This item disappears on its own when a person learns to be in a different internal state, the state of "boa constrictor". In the meantime, the recommendations are as follows.
If a person directs aggression at another, then he is subconsciously ready to receive it in response. Therefore, it is necessary to respond to aggression in any case, everywhere and always. Your self-esteem will thank you later. You need to respond to aggression with adequate aggression, you don’t even want to eat, even if it’s not typical for you, even if you know that you will lose time and effort in this conflict. Adequate rebuff consists in an immediate reaction aimed at showing that aggression has been noticed, and you will continue to rebuff if necessary: “Be careful”, “Be careful”, “Talk to me in a polite tone”, “You hurt me” , "Stop yelling at me", and so on. Moreover, this should not be said in a trembling voice, but in a calm, confident tone, if possible looking into the eyes. Show that you do not need conflict, but you can stand up for yourself. No need to be "rude", shout back, you will not achieve anything by this, you will only accept other people's rules of the game on a foreign field. But if a person takes the situation into his own hands, then he controls the situation, and not she manages it. By the way, if you do not answer anything, then this is the same as accepting someone else's rules of the game.
At the same time, the goal of retaliatory aggression is not to get satisfaction and win against the “loud”, to be cool and put him in his place. That is, the goal is not to win in "rudeness". The goal is to not be harmed by aggressive people, to remain inwardly calm and knowing that you were able to stand up for yourself. Do not feel like a "colopymium" afterwards.
All these recommendations are good when aggression directed at you suddenly overtakes you, you are not prepared for this, and you need to react quickly. But all your life you will not walk in a state of “combat readiness”, therefore, in principle, you need to achieve such an internal state when it simply does not occur to people to attack you out of the blue.
What needs to be done for this?
1. Learn to defend your boundaries.
Always and everywhere you need to learn to defend your boundaries. By analogy with the state. A normal state will always severely suppress attempts to violate its borders, both explicit and implicit. Only, unlike the state, the boundaries of a person are more easily controlled by him. And if the border of the state can still be violated and go unnoticed, then if the borders of a person are violated, our built-in self-esteem system will always signal this. This can manifest itself as anger, protest, irritation, for example, when loved ones get into your life without your permission, dissatisfaction is possible, and other manifestations expressed in emotional level. Basically, everyone has experienced this.
Any person who has violated your boundaries should receive an adequate response. Even the closest people, parents, wives-husbands should know that you will not allow your boundaries to be violated. This does not mean that you should go into swearing and “rudeness”, or a disregard for the requests and criticism of relatives. You can always pick up words, not without reason Russian - great and powerful - and explain what you don't like, that without your permission they are trying to make you convenient for others.
2. Learn to be in a state of balance, calmness. In a "boa constriction" state.
This does not mean at all that if you have been subjected to aggressive attacks from another person, then you need to stand in "nirvana" and not react in any way. No, the state of balance means that even if you are silent in response to “rudeness”, not because you suppress aggression in yourself, but because it does not cling to you in any way, and it is so “indifferent” to this aggression that even too lazy to respond. But this is a reason to think, because, as I said, an aggressive impulse does not form out of the blue.
Usually, the internal state of calmness with unreasonable "rudeness" is violated, and if you swallow the insult or suppress reciprocal aggression in yourself, then the internal state of calmness will be violated even more. Therefore, you need to answer, but from a state of balance, NOT a Victim, NOT a “loud”, not because you need to answer, but only so that the aggressor would be silent, and “whatever it was.”
You need to learn to be in a state of "boa constrictor", which, in which case, can bite off your head. And if another person suddenly decides to “merge” aggression on you, then you will no longer be a “rabbit” who is afraid and cowardly. You will be at least an equal “boa constrictor”, and somewhere you will even surpass an aggressive person in terms of energy. And he will understand that you will not let yourself be offended, and will simply bypass you on the “tenth road”.
What NOT to do in case of someone else's aggression?
- "To be rude", to swear in response. The first place in the “rudeness” competition is far from best prize. And yes, it is not environmentally friendly.
- Shut up and "swallow". In this case, consider that you yourself have made an energy breakdown. For a long time you will be indignant and swear “to yourself”, grind this situation inside, getting annoyed with yourself, and blame yourself for not repulsing the impudent one.
- Keep silent and internally "accept". In this case, you allow your boundaries to be violated by anyone who comes to mind. And it feels like you become a "colopyemnik" that anyone can use.
Once again, I want to repeat that never, under any circumstances, an aggressive impulse arises just like that. If aggression is directed at you, it means that you suppressed it inside instead of responding to it and compensating for this alien aggressive impulse.
And on the aggression suppressed inside, you “pulled” aggression from another person, in order to throw it out and not become a dump of complexes. We can say that this is how the “circle of aggression” works in nature. A person is forced to suppress aggression inside when he cannot give an adequate rebuff, when his boundaries are violated, when there are unprocessed injuries that need to be worked out.
Aggression is the only adequate reaction to one's own helplessness. – Baghdasaryan A
The ideal case for a person is in a “boa constrictor” state, so that it would not occur to others to direct their aggression against you.
