How to see the image from the side. Look at yourself from the side. How to see your appearance the way others see it? What most accurately conveys the picture of reality

Why is it usually so easy for us to see and understand other people's mistakes and mistakes, while our own is an eternal mystery with seven seals?

Everything is clear in relation to a neighbor, or a work colleague, but in our case - some kind of eternal darkness. The only thing that comes to mind is the unfavorability of the luminaries, the wheel of Fortune spinning in the wrong direction, and the villain who spun this wheel so carelessly.

But don't be surprised: it's all about the direction of our gaze. It is most convenient, of course, to look at a neighbor from the side, but it is unusual to look at oneself in this way. From the outside, all successes, failures, as well as the causes of both phenomena are more noticeable and clearer.

For the same clear and unbiased view, sometimes you need to look at yourself from the outside. It is even necessary to do this periodically so that the “eye is not washed out”. This helps to clearly see your own mistakes and think about the reasons for their appearance and, accordingly, eliminate them. Everyone, whether he wants to or not, learns only after making his own mistakes and stuffing his own bumps. And the analysis of one's unfavorable experience gives a unique opportunity to draw the right conclusions and avoid the “rake” placed along the entire path of our journey.

If such an analysis and "debriefing" is not given due attention, we will again be trapped by a "rake" and fill us with new bumps. That is, we will be forced to repeat the same mistakes again and again, and stereotypical failures will chase us with manic persistence. Moreover, the most important mistake is to look for the cause of errors in someone or something. First of all, mistakes, their causes and consequences, must be sought in the most reserved place - in oneself and one's head. Most of our life's failures and troubles live there. And they are reliably protected by our confidence in our own infallibility.

An ordinary diary can become a valuable tool that will help us take a closer look at ourselves from the outside. When a person is left alone with his thoughts and blank pages, it is easier for him to analyze his actions. When we describe our actions and thoughts from day to day, we gradually develop the ability to analyze and draw conclusions. Correctly drawn conclusions are a guarantee that we will not repeat past mistakes in the future.

Looking at yourself from the position of an outside observer, you can objectively assess your abilities and capabilities. All people have different potential and perhaps what we considered our failure is too high a bar for us. Not ours, so to speak, a pedestal. And do not skin your knees, climbing on it. By doing this, we will only deplete our vital energy and awaken painful feelings in ourselves: envy, despondency, anger, irritation and despair. We do not need anything from someone else, and what is intended for us personally will not go anywhere.

An objective view of ourselves will allow us to accept ourselves as we are. Self-acceptance will provide a great opportunity to accept others with all their weaknesses and shortcomings. This will allow us to better understand others, and instead of hostility and envy, we will become much more positive and kinder to people. And good deeds are like a reserve for a rainy day. When he comes, you can always use this stock. Good usually always returns to the one who first did it. And, tenfold. So - do not be afraid to "invest" in good deeds. Good will return to us a hundredfold, or, if you like, with interest.

In addition, a trained "outside" look with an "objective component" will reveal to us a modest truth: life consists not only of black stripes. These stripes certainly go interspersed with white. Perhaps the intervals are not what we would like to see on this striped canvas. But, having learned to objectively look at ourselves, our actions and goals, it will be easier for us to shorten the black stripes and lengthen the white ones.

Imagine high mountain towering above the stormy sea. How can we better see what is happening below: standing on this mountain, or floundering in the rushing waves?

So let's climb to the top and look around: you will see a lot of things that you have not seen yet, that you have not thought about until now. New opportunities and new perspectives can best be seen from above. No wonder the poet once said: “Face to face - you can’t see the face, the big one is seen at a distance.”

Climb to your peak and change the course of your life in any direction. But you should never give up so as not to lose some important battle. How, according to the Bible, did the Israelites defeat the Amalekites? Moses raised his hands - the Israelites won, and when his hands got tired and he lowered them - the Amalekites took over. Therefore, never give up, so that no alien force takes advantage of this and defeats you. And the view from the mountain will reveal the most important thing: life is still beautiful and full of opportunities and new, untrodden roads.

Instruction

To become an expert in evaluating your own life, you need to get used to looking from the outside at the main processes that are happening to you. Your behavior, actions, goals and motivation: all this needs to be reviewed from time to time, sparing no effort and time for this.

Start your attempt to look at yourself from the outside by reflecting on the past day. What did you do this day? What goals did you set for yourself or what did you plan, and how did events develop? It is important to think about whether you have done at least one good deed, and also how useful your day was for your own future. After analyzing one day, think back to the past week and think about its results in the same way. Then do the same with the last month of life. The conclusions may surprise you, but you will be even more surprised by doing the following experiment.

For the next month, keep track of everything you do. Write down every task that takes up your time in a notebook or in a file on your computer. For these purposes, the Excel program is the best suited, the values ​​​​of the tables in it can be sorted and ordered, automatically counting the time spent on business. If you have never conducted such experiments before, then real discoveries await you. In just a few days, it will become clear to you that the time that you thought you were spending on useful things is being spent on something completely different. You will be surprised how many minutes and hours you spend on completely insignificant things. Quantitative counting will allow you to get rid of many misconceptions about yourself and prepare you for further interesting discoveries.

After a month of counting, write down a few things that take you the most time. Think about each of them, what does it lead to in the long run and what image does it create for others? These are the activities that take up most of the day, and you yourself, of course, can turn a blind eye to them, but facing the truth will help you evaluate yourself more honestly - just like others do.

The next method is to ask the people around them themselves. Close friends who are not afraid to tell you about your shortcomings and remind you of your virtues, relatives, each of whom will name something of their own ... The main thing here is to remember that an outside view does not always imply complete objectivity. This very “side” is everyone’s own, so you don’t need to consider other people’s statements about yourself as the ultimate truth.

Start keeping a diary or blog. Write there regularly, at least 2-3 times a week. Re-read what you write from time to time: this can open your eyes to many things. And if you re-read your notes from the past few years at once, you will be surprised how many things fall into place in your head. The advantage is that you can be absolutely sincere with yourself, because you will not be afraid public opinion. But the good thing about a blog is that if you have readers, they can give a feedback, which can sometimes literally open your eyes to something.

I often feel like I can do almost anything. Send three letters of any. Have any enemies and not be afraid of them. I can be friends for real and I know that I will always help them, and they will help me.

And it's not about the status of my environment. All my girls are different. The best friend is a loafer and freeloader of rich parents. The other is an ordinary doctor. The third is a single mother, hard worker and plowman, who herself achieves everything in life.

If something happens, I'll tear my mouth for my friends. I will do everything, but unfortunately, this alone is not enough.

Occupying the post of deputy in a large state corporation, my Yulia freaked out and quit the fuck. Well, she thought, I've always achieved everything - I'll make it now.

A month of futile search for a new place with income and status to match the habits almost turned into a tragedy. What Yulia seemed like a trifling matter turned out to be an impossible task.

The labor market is in decline, and children need to be fed. Savings are quickly dwindling, and all potential jobs are amazingly quickly filled by other people.

It seems that there are a lot of acquaintances, and they are all bosses, but as far as business is concerned, everywhere is a bummer.

A month later I had to join. That’s what she didn’t do, with whom she didn’t contact in order to find Yulia a job. I even talked to two governors, but after the interview they merged. At first they promised, and then they made some stupid excuses and averted their eyes.

So six months passed.

Did I already say that I can do almost everything? And to find a job, I thought, for a smart friend - generally pah. A trifling matter, absolutely nonsense. But after each interview that I agreed on, Yulia was rejected.

At some point, it dawned on me that she was messing around somewhere.

Not my friends are to blame - well, they can't be all goats! It was about her, because - let's be honest? - many want to do me a favor so that I remain indebted. And here - with enthusiasm and joyfully promised to help, and after the interview they averted their eyes.

It became clear to me that the matter was in the interview. At her last place of work, Yulia started from the very bottom and gradually rose to a position in the management. Everyone saw her, knew what a hard worker she was, smart and in general.

But presenting yourself well in an interview is a whole other story.

Photo: Getty Images

Well, what ended an independent attempt to conduct an interview, probably you don’t need to tell? They neighed, wept, but they did not find out anything. So the next day we took a scientific approach.

Scientific - this is when not chickens sit and wonder what the problem is, but specialists look like doctors at patients. After digging through the Internet, we found Anti-Slavery - a service for preparing for interviews.

We read it more carefully and, to be honest, both of them hesitated at first. It seems that you don’t need to do anything special - you record a video for 5 minutes, send it and sit, wait for the result, but here’s the mechanism itself ... Yulia and I are not stupid people, of course we know about the neural network, but to believe that with its help you can prepare for an interview, and even to do something similar in Russia directly - earlier than in the whole world - it was difficult.

But there wasn't much to lose either, so we decided to give it a try. Yulia recorded a video directly on her phone, told about herself: what she worked for, what she can do, where she wants to get a job. In general, everything is like in a real interview. Video recording is not difficult, of course, plus quickly. Recorded, downloaded and forgotten. Well, they forgot - it was written that in a day the result, well, we tuned in for a day.

At the same time, the report itself was received already after 40 minutes, consider that they didn’t even have time to finish drinking tea and further discuss who knows what about neural networks. The result came directly to Yulia's mail, with numbers, with text - what is good, what is bad in gestures, in facial expressions, in speech. In general, all the pros and cons that the neural network noticed from the video. And it is full, detailed and chewed so that even a fool will understand where he messes up in interviews.

In the case of Yulia, who is accustomed to working in a team of tough military men in civilian clothes, the neural network determined excessive rigidity and authority. I turned to tough men about her, and those, having talked with Yulia, were simply afraid of such a “deputy”.

And, in general, it was like a hundred percent true. Yulia went to interviews, talked, and she herself couldn’t understand why they didn’t call her back and merge her. You don't see yourself from the outside. Yes, and I didn’t really understand what was happening, but I didn’t go to work with her, I didn’t see how she behaves there.

Knowing now her jamb, Yulia began to be more attentive to what she says at the interview and how she behaves - and just the other day she received a job offer.

In principle, it is clear that the program is not a panacea, you yourself will have to work and correct your mistakes later. Julia, as a smart person, did it herself, but if you wish, you can take the second part of the service - a consultation with a specialist. That is, you get a report, fix your jambs, call up an expert, and a real, live person will tell you whether you managed to improve your story about yourself or not. At the same time and train to pass the interview live. Well, if there are any jambs again, then they will chew everything up again and tell you how to fix them. The number of consultations is not limited, you can even train until retirement to look for a job.

Well, about prices. You will laugh, but no one is going to skin you like a sticky. The price of the initial analysis and consultation with a specialist is like drinking two cups of coffee, but is it necessary to say that the benefits are a thousand times greater? And with promo code miro you will pay 10% less. However, see for yourself.

Does your self-image match what people say about you?

PHOTO Getty Images

psychology

One of the most surprising things you point out in Strangers to Ourselves is that other people can sometimes predict our moods and behaviors better than we can. How is this possible?

Timothy D. Wilson:

Sometimes strangers manage to see through the fog of our explanations what we really feel about this or that matter. For example, there was this study: students who were in a romantic relationship were asked to predict how long their relationship would last. The same question was asked of their classmates and parents. Then it turned out that the worst forecasts were given by those who were in a relationship. Their friends and parents were much more accurate. Now this does not seem surprising: it is known that if you are in love, you unwittingly represent the future of your couple in the best possible light. But there are other examples, already from the personal sphere, when an outside observer tries to guess whether we are extroverts or introverts, how conscientious we are and what affects our mood. And they determine it, if not always better, then at least with the same degree of certainty as we ourselves.

psychology

There is a funny example in your book where a real estate agent listens intently to the wishes of his clients about the characteristics of the house they intend to buy, and then ignores everything said and shows them completely different buildings, and with invariably successful results. It turns out that she knows better than customers what they really want. What kind of signals, imperceptible to ourselves, do we give to others?

THAT.:

Our unconscious manifests itself through our behavior and governs our actions. A stranger might look at us and think, "I think that means he/she is feeling this or that right now." People form their impression of us based on our automatic, uncontrollable actions, just as much as on our conscious actions. In the book, I give the example of my friend Susan, she met a young man who met all her criteria for an ideal man. But we, her friends, saw that Susan did not love him. And we noticed this long before she realized it herself. And it was easy to notice - as soon as Susan started talking about him, her voice changed - it did not have that excitement with which she talked about her previous lover. The guy himself was head over heels in love with her, but there was no spark from her side. We saw it clearly, but perhaps she chose not to notice.

“We may think that we know our feelings and what we are capable of, but all research shows that there are so many things in ourselves that we do not notice or misinterpret”

What prevents us from seeing ourselves as well as others see us?

THAT.:

We attach too much importance to actions that fit our idea of ​​who and what we are. For example, if you are sure that you are very shy, and at some point you notice that you are the soul and center of a noisy party, then you will most likely explain it this way: “I just had good mood". But an outsider will make a more accurate conclusion that perhaps you are not so shy after all. Often we may not be aware of the feelings we experience. For different reasons. If, for example, they scare us. Or we are simply inattentive and have not seen how our feelings have changed - a classic example when two young people are the last to notice that they have fallen in love with each other. The third reason is when we fence ourselves off from our feelings with some abstract theories. We may not recognize feelings that conflict with our cultural stereotypes (“my wedding will be the happiest day of my life”), personal attitudes (“I don’t have racial prejudice,” “I’m not homophobic”), or ideas about how and how we should feel (“I should love him because he is my father”).

Can we learn to notice our unconscious manifestations?

THAT.:

Actually, it's not easy. But there is research that shows that observing yourself while watching a video, which allows you to literally see yourself from the outside, helps to change perspective and interpret your behavior a little differently.

What other advice would you give to someone who wants to see themselves better from the outside?

THAT.:

We should be a little less sure of our own theories about our self. We may think that we know our feelings and what we are capable of, but all research shows that there are many things in ourselves that we do not notice or misinterpret. The vast amount of information we have about the inner part of our lives makes us overconfident. If this arrogance is reduced a little, our self-image becomes clearer and more reliable.

See the real you

• For several days, keep a detailed diary in which you describe all your actions. The point is to record those actions that we usually ignore because they do not correspond to our image of ourselves. For example, you may think that you are indecisive, but your actions will show that in reality you make choices quite often - deciding which movie to watch, where to have dinner, where to submit your resume.
• Learn to notice your emotions and reactions, but not all in a row, but those that you have when something unexpected happens. For example, if the sale of your apartment fell through, what will you feel - disappointment or unexpected relief? Such instant reactions can tell a lot about your deepest feelings.
• Talk to your most trusted friends. They know you very well and can give you great advice if you are in doubt about your feelings. Ask if they notice anything special about the way you talk about a particular topic. How do they think you express yourself in your non-verbal behavior?

Timothy D. Wilson, social psychologist, professor of psychology at the University of Virginia, author of two books, Strangers to Ourselves: Discovering the Adaptive Unconscious, Belknap Press, 2002 and Changing Direction ” (“Redirect,” Little, Brown and Company, 2011).

Learning to see yourself for who you are is sometimes an excruciating process, but if you put in the time and effort, meeting your true self is a significant reward. An objective and honest view of ourselves helps us to accept ourselves and determine the path of our growth and development in the future.

Steps

Part 1

Describe in writing your perception of yourself. Take a pen and piece of paper and write down your own description of yourself. As detailed as possible, from all sides: from the physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual.

• Begin affirmations with "I..." or "I'm proud to be..."
• In each section, write down 8 to 12 statements.
• List your strengths and weak sides. Most people are able to identify at least one positive quality and one negative quality of themselves, no matter how inflated their ego or destroyed their self-esteem. Write down what you think are your strengths and what you are not strong at. Rely solely on your inner feeling.

1. Recall significant moments from your life. Think about what stories from your past you most often share. Ask yourself what these stories say about you and why you feel compelled to tell them to other people.

   • Pay special attention to what these stories say about you as a person. Are these stories about your honesty or bravery? Do you tell them because they are an example of your usual behavior, or, on the contrary, demonstrate a rare display of qualities that you would like to possess?

2. Think back to your childhood. Most people were most honest about themselves as a person and their desires when they were children. Remember what made you happy when you were a child and what made you feel disappointed. Reflect on what your belief system was like when you were a child. If something has changed since then, note what exactly and identify the reasons that influenced these changes.

   • For example, as a child, you valued moments of independence and independence. If you are still striving to increase your personal space, then this desire for freedom is obviously part of your true personality.
   • However, if in this moment you are bound by a number of obligations, ask yourself why. You may have learned to value family and friends in a new way, in which case, the desire to fulfill your obligations is also part of you. On the other hand, perhaps you are just trying to live up to other people's expectations, and then the real you is still the same independent personality that manifested in you when you were a child.

   Part 2

   Take a step back

   1. Put a ban on the mirror. Take a step back from the mirror and refuse to look at your reflection for an entire week. This will allow you to reduce the influence of the false perception of your physical self, which is daily maintained by looking at your reflection in the mirror.

      • By the end of this period, you may have come to the realization that the only person who cares so much about your appearance and who is so critical of it is yourself. Once you force yourself to stop focusing on your physical imperfections, you will find, to your surprise, that no one insists on focusing on them instead of you. As a result, in the end, you realize that the negative perception of your appearance is not true.

   2. Quiet the noise in your head. Life can be very demanding, and your own thoughts can pull you in hundreds of different directions at the same time. Simplify your life for a few weeks to minimize the anxious thoughts and negative self-talk that usually comes with a busy schedule.

      • If you find it too difficult to quickly calm this inner noise, plan in advance for a vacation or weekend that you can devote to calming the inner bully. Take care to organize this time as much as possible so that during the "vacation" you do not have to do anything. Resolve the issue with all commitments so that at this time no external anxieties can infiltrate your thoughts.

   3. Encourage others to be honest with you. You need to look at yourself in a new way. Someone who knows you well probably has a pretty good idea of ​​who you really are, but the thing is, few people close to you will want to be completely honest about your weaknesses. You should find friends who will be frank with you, and convince them not to be afraid to tell you everything as it is.

      • You can let people feel at ease criticizing you if you learn to criticize yourself constructively. If you can demonstrate constructive self-criticism, people around you won't feel as much discomfort telling you the truth.
      • Some people themselves are more willing to tell the truth than others. Most learn to speak the truth to those who are willing to accept it. Well, if in your environment there are both those and others.
      • If people give you constructive criticism, listen carefully and take what they say. Don't react with anger and don't force your friends to go back on their word for you.

   4. Put people before you. People tend to hate the feeling of their own insignificance, so, as a rule, if a person has a bad opinion of himself, he is looking for someone at the expense of whom he can rise. This greatly distorts self-perception. It is better to find those people whom you consider above yourself.

      • If you hang out with people you think are better than you, it helps you set goals and see where you want to go. No one is perfect, but we often tend to admire people who have positive qualities that we don't. Admiring these people, we are more and more clearly aware of what we ourselves lack, and having realized this, we can strive to acquire them.

   Part 3

   See yourself in a new way

   1. Analyze each point of self-perception that you had. Once you've taken a break from your original self-image, take out your newly-created list and go through each item. Consider how relevant each item is. Take as much time as you need to list.

      • Ask yourself a question about every statement you make about yourself:
        • "Is it really so?"
        • "Can I prove that this is true? Can I prove that this is not true?"
        • "What reaction, physical and emotional, does this thought or idea evoke in me?"
        • “Are there any positive sides this negative quality?” / “Are there any downsides to this good quality?”

   2. Step outside your comfort zone. Force yourself to check each statement as if you were a beginner who has just started learning something new. Personal strengths and weaknesses tend to be more pronounced in times of uncertainty. Be very attentive to your own reactions in order to better understand what your strengths and weaknesses are.

      • The challenge is to discover something you know nothing about and force yourself to learn it. For example, if you know nothing about cooking, then learn how to cook deliciously.
      • You should carefully monitor your reactions during this period. This process must be completed on your own. Don't rely on other people for this.

   3. Accept all your weaknesses and failures. People hate to make mistakes, but no one is perfect. Instead of denying your failures and mistakes, stop making excuses and honestly admit everything that was wrong. This includes what you yourself considered wrong, and what you previously denied.

      • Realize that accepting your failures and mistakes is a necessary part of the process of knowing yourself. In addition, if you hope to ever change these areas of your life, you need to start by admitting and accepting your mistakes.
      • Also, you need to get rid of all your excuses. For example, if you are constantly playing for time, do not try to justify it by saying that you do everything anyway, therefore, it does not matter. It’s better to just admit to yourself that you are putting everything off until the last moment.

   4. Look inside yourself. Faced with a problem, look for the cause in yourself. It's easiest to always put the blame on other people, but in order to avoid exaggerating your ego, you should seriously ask yourself if you are not to blame for the situation.

      • Likewise, you should turn to yourself whenever you are tempted to complain about other people. When this happens, stop and ask yourself if these people have a reason to complain about you.

   5. Look at the situation from the outside. Think about your goals, ideas, and desires. Perhaps in your head you have already justified and explained each of them, but try to imagine what they would all look like if it were not about you, but about another person. If the response is ambiguous, try to figure out why.

      • For example, if you crave a relationship with a certain person and justify yourself in this desire, think about how this desire looks from the side of a person who is not involved in the situation. If an objective view tells you that you are behaving naively or irresponsibly, you should recognize this trait in yourself.

   6. Keep a diary. Write down all your discoveries and doubts throughout the process of updating your self-perception. You can write about your feelings, disappointments, anxieties, and anything related to the topic. The main thing here is to write regularly and as sincerely as possible.

      • Whenever you sit down to write in your diary, you should write until you come to an awareness of your emotional state.
      • Make sure you write in your diary when there is nothing to distract you from it.

   7. Develop a healthy self-awareness. While it's important to be honest about your failures, it's also important to learn to accept yourself for who you are and be honest about your victories as well. Too low self-esteem is no less destructive than too high self-esteem, if not worse.

      • It is important to emphasize your importance, despite all the mistakes and failures.
      • If you feel that your self-perception is rife with negativity, deal with false guilt. If something goes wrong, and at the same time you say to yourself: "I always fail at anything," immediately correct yourself by reminding yourself of those examples from life when you succeeded.

   8. Ask yourself who you want to be. Reflect on who you see in yourself and who you would really like to see in yourself. Perhaps this is the same person. If you see differences, determine what you need to transform and make your dream a reality.