A person who doesn't like to lose. Introspection: “I can't lose. Negative experiences are helpful

Reasons that pull us to the bottom.

What is human life? Work - home - work - home. Sometimes - a short trip, rarely - gatherings with friends. We are in a hurry to live, but, in fact, we do not live. We complain about the lack of money, time, energy, nerves, poor health and the lack of new opportunities. If a person is asked why he is not getting better, most likely, in response we will hear about some mythical external circumstances that prevent him from building an ideal life.

Successful American businessman Reimar Tirado thinks otherwise. Despite his status and financial stability, the entrepreneur does not stop there, but tries every day to learn and try something new. Thinking about why people do not strive to become better, a businessman is looking for reasons not outside, but inside a person. And they are as follows:

1. A person does not like to lose. Most likely, he is trying to avoid this, fearing to leave his "comfort zone". In vain. After all, having lost, we learn, try, gain invaluable experience, which means we develop. You need to learn how to lose. This will help us to explore ourselves in an effort to become better.

2. A person depends on the opinions of other people. He tries to be like everyone else, to adapt to them. He is afraid that if he becomes different, he will be condemned. But try thinking differently: let people adapt to you.

3. Each person considers himself the smartest. Others are fools, I am an expert. Unfortunately, this opinion is wrong. It's not what you know that matters, but how you can apply that knowledge. One graduates from the institute - and all his life he tries to make ends meet, the other, without higher education makes millions. Well, what's the point then with your knowledge, if you are not able to embody them.

4. A person reads little or does not read at all. It is better to watch something entertaining on TV than to immerse yourself in boring reading.

5. A person is not inquisitive. He perceives all the information as it is presented. We do not think that it could be otherwise. Perhaps something in the world is happening differently, you just need to look better.

Why do people always argue?

During my life, I came to the conclusion that you should not contact such people and explain to them that you are right, even if you are 100% right. I don’t know how correct this is, but it’s easier for me to save my strength and energy, which I can direct to other things, and not to disputes and worries.

If a woman constantly argues, then with a probability of more than 90% we can say that she has serious problems. Women tend to splash out their negativity through emotions, conversations and correspondence. In the moment of disputes, she forgets about her more global problems that are bothering her.

Why does a woman who constantly argues want to leave the last word behind you? She simply believes that if she has said the last word, then she is right. Even if she is clearly shown that she is wrong, she will answer or write 10 times more than you, if only to divert the conversation from an adequate dialogue into her crazy monologue. Her task is to bring you down to your level of market conversation, where an adequate and cultured person has no chance to prove his case. "Bazaar" with such a "Baba" is useless. Leave the unfortunate person alone. Let him live in his own world.

If a man likes to argue, then most likely he is simply bored and cannot fully realize himself in this life, but he would very much like to. Here he is trying to outsmart everyone. This is especially true for small bosses who imagine themselves to be cool leaders or moderators on some sites (without hints). In this case, you can still find a common language with such a man, just hinting at how smart he is. Every man loves it

If a person constantly argues, then if it is a woman, it is better not to even get involved. If this is a man, then you first need to praise him, which will reduce his aggression, and then move on to a constructive dialogue, not forgetting to nod your head where necessary.

Let's start with the fact that everyone is different. And behave differently in the proposed circumstances. This is what makes them interesting.

If a person argues for the sake of arguing, then this is a feature of his character, which, perhaps, is a manifestation of increased pride, a desire to be understood at all costs, a heightened sense of justice, sometimes an inability to control one's emotions and stop in time. Therefore, it seems that this person definitely wants to have the last word for himself, although he may not think about it. This is undoubtedly an emotional, restless person.
And arguing for the sake of arguing, without having solid arguments and fundamental reasons for it, is not very productive, a waste of time and nerves.
It is necessary to communicate with such a person, in terms of facts and maintaining composure and, most importantly, without losing one's own dignity, without trying to "bite" more painfully, be sure to convince, in short - calmly and balanced. Sometimes you need to be able to stop and understand whether it makes sense to continue the argument at all.

Sometimes a person defends his positions and principles to the last, standing up for justice, seeking justice, struggling with harshness of judgments or formalism, sometimes even realizing the futility of his efforts. Nowadays, this is a very reckless exercise. And this is still better than being a "vegetable", a driven person, following the lead of a stronger in spirit or more talkative (magnificent) person.
It is always easier to be a “slave”, he will be shown what to do. And "silent in a rag" is always safer. It is more difficult for a freedom-loving and principled person, especially when he defends his positions with a person convicted of power (at any level), but he is a person for that. And this man is not indifferent.

Remark: It is not legal to distinguish disputants by gender. Both of those are enough. It is not yet known who is more - women or men.

Hello. I am 24 years old, my name is Dima. And I just hate losing. I'll give you an example. For example, just recently I was playing table tennis with a friend. And either I was unlucky, or I was not in shape, or I just play badly, but I started to lose a lot. And of course, it started to piss me off. I just started freaking out. I am quite educated, positive and cultured person. But the inability to lose just got me. It's hindered me my whole life. During bad games, it seems to me that the opponent laughs at me, gloats, considers me a weakling, a loser and a goof. It infuriates me that my defeat pleases someone. Please advise how to get rid of this problem?

Hello, Dmitry! The game is always someone's victory and someone's defeat. You try to do everything highest level because you are afraid of being ridiculed. But these are just your guesses. Have you had similar situations in the past? Someone may have ridiculed and humiliated you when you did something wrong or lost, this could be fixed on a subconscious level and subsequently transferred to even minor failures. You need to realize that losing a game is not a mockery, but just an excuse to win back or be happy for another, because you don’t always lose and your opponent perceives defeat positively. Good luck!

Presnyakova Svetlana Alexandrovna, psychologist, Chudovo

Hello Dima.

That's what I think is important.

During the failures in the games I Seems that the enemy laughs at me, gloats, considers me a weakling, a loser and a sucker.

It seems to you, i.e. you probably don't know that. The enemy does not tell you about it. This knowledge "sits" in your head. Someone from significant close people inspired you that you need to be the best, otherwise you are a loser. You were not given the right to make a mistake or accepted as a loser.

how to get rid of this problem?

First, it is important to understand that there is always a winner and a loser in the game, and that you cannot be the strongest. It's just not possible. There will always be a stronger opponent. Secondly, it is important to understand that the recognition of oneself as a failure comes from within, and not from without.

Sincerely.

Hello Dima!

I would venture to suggest that this symptom is characteristic of persons with a narcissistic character.

The child being evaluated. Narcissistic character.

Self-esteem

Narcissistic personalities and people whose narcissism has reached its extreme point, narcissistic personality disorder, are characterized by an increased sense of self-importance and greatness, perceive themselves as special and unique, believe that they occupy an exclusive place that makes them above the masses. ordinary people. They see themselves as the very best and have a special right to be liked and treated well by others, as if they are above the accepted rules. These persons are confident in their own significance, correctness, tend to exaggerate their knowledge and achievements.

Narcissists usually have very fragile self-esteem, it constantly fluctuates in all possible amplitude from zero to infinity, because of this they are prone to depression. Sometimes they say that they have a small frightened child hiding under a three-layer dragon skin or behind a large soap bubble. And all external window dressing, tinsel serves for self-soothing, obtaining calmness and self-confidence. Therefore, narcissistic personalities regularly feel infinitely small and insignificant. This causes them to constantly rush from self-aggrandizement to self-abasement. This process is somewhat reminiscent of the torment of Rodion Raskolnikov from F.M. Dostoevsky’s novel “Crime and Punishment”: “Am I a trembling creature or do I have a right?”

At first glance, these people are dependent on success, pedantic, have a high sense of self-worth, pride, often excessive demands, they are focused on themselves. But at the same time, they are constantly sensitive to shame and humiliation, often subject to hypochondria (considering their possible diseases under the "magnifying glass") and psychosomatics (diseases of the body caused by mental problems). When breaking them psychological defenses they may feel worthless, self-devaluing, isolated, inert, depressed. And at the same time, deep in their souls, they feel emptiness, worthlessness, panic with the weakening and crushing of their personality. At the archaic (basic, very foundation) level, narcissists crave a new rapprochement, merger, reflection in their twin, an idealizing relationship to themselves. They experience, on an unconscious level, rage and pain at the lack of divination and understanding of their deep level desires.

(With)

I work on Skype, write, psychotherapy helps to cope with strong feelings of one's imperfection.

Untilova (Cryer) Natalya Vladimirovna, psychologist in Moscow

Even in childhood, each of us was able to experience and survive the loss. Then such an alignment of the game seemed unfair to us, brought to tears, insulted to the core and caused a storm of emotions. However, over time, the situation has changed, and most of us have realized that winning at gambling by 90% is a matter of chance, and in order to win in various adult games, you need to properly prepare. In addition, in the event that the outcome of the struggle is not in our favor, we can make such a situation useful for ourselves or console ourselves with the fact that a negative result is also a result.

Every person becomes an adult, but not everyone can part with their inner child who never learned to lose. It makes life very difficult. After all, an adult has to lose something every day, and if each such situation ends with an explosion of emotions and unpleasant experiences, then life will become just hell. Therefore, sooner or later, a person who does not know how to lose will have to look for an answer to the question: what to do? How to change the situation and if not learn how to lose, then somehow mitigate the situation? After all, only a superman can win all the time, and even then in numerous Hollywood films.

Reasons for failing to win

Before answering the question of what to do if you do not know how to lose, let's figure out why this happened.

The first reason for this attitude towards losing is the desire for excellence. The game is usually played by several people. Therefore, it will not be possible to hide your own defeat. At the same time, the loser is most worried about the fact that in this way he will show others his inconsistency, incompetence. As a result, a person drives himself into a dead end, convincing himself that he is worse than others, and if this is so, then no one will communicate with the loser.

The reason for this attitude to loss lies in childhood. Some parents want their children to be perfect and successful. How to achieve this? Yes, just punish for failures, mistakes. The result of such upbringing is that an adult begins to try with all his might to satisfy the need hammered into him to be the best and perfect, to achieve recognition, winning at all costs. For such people, winning the game helps in self-affirmation, and losing indicates that you need to prove your own importance again.

The second reason is the desire to keep everything under control. The one who does not know how to lose equates the game with reality, with such a space in which there is an opportunity to build one's life in a different way. Also, every game has rules. It attracts those people who are afraid of the chaos of life.

If most of us think of the game as a perfectly safe activity, the result of which can be replayed, then those who cannot lose do not realize this. They equate failure in the game with a threat to life. For them, losing is the return of unpredictability, chaos, and is generally dangerous. This is what happens to those who were forced too early to show independence, although they still needed the participation of adults.

How to learn to lose?

To learn how to lose, you need to regain pleasure, change the rules of the game and become an adult.

The game is fun and entertainment. Sometimes useful, sometimes not so much. To get back the fun of the game, you need to find out which games you are most interested in, and play those games, feeling the joy of the process, and not the result of the game. At first, as partners, you need to choose those people in whom you are completely confident, who do not care if you win or lose. Their attitude towards you will not change anyway.

You can also try change the rules of your life. If you used to live by the rule: i get mad when i lose, then you can enter the rule: it's just a game, so I'm fine with losing. As a result, you become a winner even if you lose, because you were able to overcome yourself.

Yes and in the end time to grow up. A truly adult person gets satisfaction from the fact that he feels like a driving force. own life. For adults, the game is just fun. If this is not the case, then perhaps some life conflicts are hidden in the game. Then you need to go to a psychotherapist, because suffering cannot be a game. You need to get rid of him.

The simplest thing is not to participate in what brings them to the described state, or not to communicate with them at all.

It is much more difficult to start slowly re-educating them, it is clear that in the case of a child it is easier. First, understand the cause of such a reaction, then consider options for its elimination or prevention. And then consistently implement them.

It is difficult, but in most cases it is impossible to do without it.

ABOUT! I know this. This is very common among children. And this is normal, if we are, of course, talking about a child. A person at an early stage of development seeks to assert himself, including through the defeat of his rivals.

The child wants to win and rightly so. Another thing: how to slightly adjust this position of the winner.
Some parents use the weight method: that is, for example, Misha ran faster than you, but you ran a greater distance. That is, to enable the child to understand that it is possible to win not in everything, but in one thing. It is impossible to win everything. You need to focus on one thing.

As for adults, here, in my opinion, as they say, "medicine is powerless." You can’t fix this anymore - the parents are to blame for not stopping this process in time. It is impossible and expensive to play with such a person. You will only quarrel with him.

★★★★★★★★★★

If a person does not know how to lose, then do not stand on ceremony with him or step aside.

Since I have been communicating for the second decade in the circle of athletes, where there are a lot of ambitious people, I came to simple conclusions. If a person who does not know how to lose is much stronger than you, then you just need to get out of his way and not argue so as not to inflate the wrath of his ambitions.

But if you have to communicate with this person all your life and you do not intend to endure his arrogance, then you need to gradually lower him one step lower each time, and it is best to immediately lower him from heaven to sinful earth. This is done simply. Find his weakest point and hit him with all your might so that this moment is deposited in the subconscious of someone who does not know how to lose.

As for the children who do not know how to lose and achieve their goal at any cost, the sooner he is besieged, the less problems there will be later.

If you are not constantly in contact with and dependent on a person who does not know how to lose, then get out of his way. If this person is constantly present in your life, then bring him down to earth.

My daughter, being small, having visited her grandparents, said that the game "Dunno" (there was one - with throwing a die and moving chips) had new rules.

When she gets some kind of trouble during the game, such as skipping a turn, going back, etc., then she can roll the die again - so grandfather said. We played three of us: she, me and my husband, there were tears, because. we did not recognize such rules. We explained to her that it makes no sense to play on such conditions, and either me and dad will have to cry, or everyone will receive such preferences.

She thought and listened, she was 4 years old.