First of all, I have to confess. I hate asking for anything. I hate asking others to waste time or money on me. I hate asking for some kind of favor, a ride, or babysitting.
But most importantly and most tellingly, I hate asking for emotional support. I can count on the fingers of my hand the times when I called a friend in tears, asking for advice or hoping that they would listen to me and console me.
But I can’t count how many times I answered similar calls myself. I'm always happy to help (apart from a couple of "emotional vampires") and even flattered that my friends know that they can rely on me. Why am I not ready to ask them for the same?
It all comes down to the fear of showing weakness or vulnerability.
Psychologist Corinne Sweet believes it's a matter of upbringing. “If you were punished for asking something as a child, you may have been left with the feeling that asking is bad. A similar idea also arises when children are forced to show independence too early - for example, due to the constant employment of parents. Ultimately it comes down to the fear of showing weakness or vulnerability.
Previously, singer and pianist Amanda Palmer of The Dresden Dolls was unable to ask anyone for anything. She recently released a book, The Art of Asking. This is partly her memoir: she describes how life changed when she learned this skill, and partly it is a manifesto about what the ability to ask and fulfill the requests of others can give us.
For Amanda, everything changed the moment she, trying to earn money to release an album, began to depict a statue on the street, which was nicknamed the “Eight-Foot Bride.” She put on a wedding dress, painted herself with white paint, climbed onto a box and stood motionless on the streets of Boston, looking passers-by in the eyes. For this moment of human “communication,” people gave her a dollar. This work helped her learn to ask and, in general, in her words, “to be a person.”
Direct communication between people begins with a request
“Standing on this box, in a sense, you are at the mercy of others and you learn a lot. First of all, the fact that direct communication between people begins with a request. It is important not just to look at others, but to see them is far from the same thing. If they feel that you “see” them and feel a connection with you, then they try to help you, because they are no longer indifferent to you.”
How to overcome fear
Trust who you ask
"If you accept someone else's gift, whether it's food, money or love, you have to trust the person helping you," says Amanda Palmer.
Ask your partner
Mutual assistance is the basis of healthy, harmonious relationships. Many of us think that our partner should be able to guess our thoughts, but this is impossible. We must be able to ask when we need something.
Don't be ashamed to do it
When you are ashamed to ask, your words seem to convey: “You have power over me,” and if you are condescending or dismissive, then it is as if you are saying: “I have power over you.” Ask with gratitude, as if to say, “We can both help each other.”
Have you ever asked for help at work, at home or elsewhere? Nod. Now, nod again if you felt awkward or uncomfortable. Chances are you nodded twice! We may not know what to do, and it is obvious that help will get us out of the dead end, but we are simply afraid to ask for it. Why?
● Why are we so afraid to ask for help?
What prevents us from looking for the one we need? We simply don't want to appear weak, needy, or incompetent in front of strangers, friends, or bosses. We have an understandable fear that if we appear vulnerable, this information could be used against us. Not to mention the reputation. You feel less confident in your abilities and begin to worry about what others will think of you. As a result, you also miss out on a lot of potential knowledge or useful help.
● We perceive and interpret requests for help incorrectly
Many of us automatically assume that turning to professional consultants and coaches means that something unpleasant has happened or is happening in your life. The word “help” carries a hidden message. However, we may well view it as a positive action. You don't have to be in some terrible state to be brave and ask for help. Perhaps you just want to improve yourself and engage in self-development.
● Help is a good sign
Successful business people, for example, often hire coaches and consultants to avoid burning out or losing sight of their goals. These hired trainers act as reminders and offer them new ideas regarding current problems and situations. Having a "support system" has many benefits, such as more high level well-being, better coping skills and more healthy life. Take athletes as an example. Behind each of them is a coach. His role is to teach, correct and lead to victory.
● Asking for help is not your weakness, it is your strength!
By taking proactive steps in terms of seeking help or advice, you are actually in control of your life and are not letting external circumstances (or other people's opinions) dictate you. Realize and accept your weak sides! So if at any point in your life you want change or feel like you're stuck in a rut, it's time to turn your weakness into strength by asking for help. Engage in your personal development. Even if everything is great for you, there is always something more you can do to improve your life. Learning never ends. Therefore, no matter your age, you should always strive to improve. And don't be afraid to ask for help if needed.
One of the values of the Keys of Mastery project is taking responsibility for everything that happens in life.
We encourage you not to give away your power, to look for answers within yourself, to learn to solve problems yourself, and not to blame others.
But there are situations when it is simply necessary ask for help:
- set exciting question, in which you are incompetent,
- ask for a favor or a promotion.
For some people, even small requests cause internal discomfort, they find it difficult to ask other people for help.
They think: “It’s better to do without it or figure it out myself than to ask someone.”
If you consider yourself to be in this category, then we suggest you figure out what’s behind it.
6 reasons why people find it difficult to ask for outside help
I have identified 4 reasons why people refuse to ask for help, even if they really need it. And the last two reasons were suggested by blog readers.
1. Fear of rejection
For this reason, many are afraid to ask for help. They believe that they will definitely be refused.
Its root is in childhood, when close people (parents, brothers, sisters) refused you and forbade something.
Now you don’t ask because you’re not even afraid of the refusal itself, but again feel a pang of pain.
You decided that you were unworthy of any help and learned to cope on your own. This is a very useful skill that develops ingenuity and additional skills.
But sometimes outside help is necessary, for example, if you get lost in a foreign city, and the GPS is pointing you in the wrong direction.
Before you make a request, accept the refusal. Let go of the expectation that you will be helped. And after that, ask for what you cannot do yourself.
If they refuse, you will not experience much discomfort, since you will already be prepared.
If you often get rejected, it might be the mirror. Take a closer look at how you react to calls for help. Do you help people yourself or turn away indifferently?
3. Asking for help feels like humiliation.
If you have been rejected often in the past, then asking for help is perceived as something humiliating.
You still remember how, as a child, you asked a friend your age for a car, but he refused.
You cried bitterly, begged him to let you play - it really was humiliation for a small child, dependent on his parents and on the outside world.
Or you asked your mom to buy a toy, but they refused. Not because you are so bad and unworthy, not to cause pain, but your parents simply didn’t have money.
Now you are already an adult and understand this. You are no worse than others and you have the right get what you ask for.
There is nothing humiliating about asking for help. When someone turns to you for help, does it seem humiliating to you? I think no.
Meditation will help you believe in yourself and increase your self-esteem
4. The belief that asking is shameful
If a child is told not to ask or is shamed for asking for more than is allowed, this leads to the belief that it's shameful and indecent to ask.
It is not the child’s fault that the parents cannot explain why it is “impossible” or that they do not have the funds to satisfy his requests.
Not everything that parents consider excess is so for the child. How can he understand whether this is an excess or a need?
In adulthood, this leads to the fact that a person finds it difficult to ask. There is no ability to accept refusal, a childish reaction is triggered - resentment, irritation.
A person achieves success as a professional, gains vast experience, but it is a shame to ask for a promotion. He expects the manager to figure it out himself and raise the salary.
A person who knows how to ask knows that there is nothing terrible or shameful in this, and adequately perceives refusal, knows how to negotiate, defend your opinion and negotiate.
5. Fear of being in debt
Many people are convinced that if they ask for help, they will certainly be billed. Life experience tells them not to ask under any circumstances, so as not to be in debt to the one who helped.
If you have stepped on such a rake in the past, this does not mean that all people will necessarily do this to you.
Before asking for help, determine with the other party the conditions for its provision: whether this service is paid or free of charge, from the bottom of your heart.
This way you will protect yourself in the future from claims and accusations that you owe.
Well, if they still present you with a bill, you can always return to your agreement and remind the person of the conditions under which you accepted this help.
6. Asking is awkward
Some people find it awkward to bother people with your request. “I am unimportant, other people’s affairs are more important than our own.”
Such a person goes through life as if apologizing for living at all. This is a manifestation of self-dislike, awareness of one’s unimportance and worthlessness.
In some cases, people are really uncomfortable to bother. You don’t go ask your neighbors for salt at 2 am. Otherwise, this is false modesty.
If you don't feel comfortable or comfortable asking for help, learn the rules good manners. In what cases is it possible and appropriate to ask for a service or favor from acquaintances or strangers? And perhaps this question will disappear by itself.
To get rid of restrictions, internal discomfort that is associated with difficulties in seeking help, and feel free, you need to heal from childhood traumas.
It will help you understand and let go of the behavior of an eternally offended child.
You will stop reacting to life in the old way - from a state of trauma, pain, rewrite old destructive scenarios into effective And successful.
, published by the Sretensky Monastery in 2008.Among young people (and not only) the slogan is popular: don’t believe, don’t be afraid, don’t ask. Young people think that this expresses their independence and strength. In fact, this principle creates division. Teenagers are often not kind to each other. This happens because it seems to them: pity, compassion, condescension towards the weak and generosity are a manifestation of weakness and cowardice. We need to let them know what's for real strong man, a real man can be anything: strong (when it is necessary to protect loved ones), and soft (towards the weak). This does not diminish his dignity at all.
The famous rock singer K. Kinchev has a song “Fear, ask and believe.” That is, the complete opposite, the antithesis of the notorious slogan. The meaning of this song is that “if you sow on good soil,” if you live according to your conscience and with God, build your life on a solid foundation, you can fear, ask and believe.
Just being afraid to ask for help is a manifestation of weakness, because someone who is truly strong does not have to constantly prove it. He can both ask and lend a helping hand. Of course, it’s not easy to cultivate strength and willpower. I once read about an Orthodox gymnasium where “Education of the Will” lessons are held. This is a very good initiative. To a young man it is important to know that freedom is not permissiveness (youth have a very developed herd instinct- “everyone ran, and I ran”). To be able to resist the influence of the majority, not to commit a sin because everyone is doing it, to live with your own head - this is a manifestation of willpower.
Once, while conducting lessons in one vocational school Orthodox culture, I spoke about the “golden rule”: So in everything, as you want people to do to you, do so to them (Matthew 7:12). This principle does not need to be understood primitively: you - to me, I - to you; I let Vasya play an electronic game, and he will let me write off a test. This rule goes much deeper. The good that we do does not disappear, but very often returns to us through completely different people. There was a vocational school for auto mechanics, and I told the guys: “You will all have cars, you will drive them. Don’t take money from helping someone on the road.” There is an old film based on the novel “Gypsy”. And there the driver of the Volga gets stuck on the road. A village guy in a truck helps him get out. The Volga driver offers him money, but he tells him: “Take away your papers, what if I get stuck and don’t have money?” Our good deeds come back to us.
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23 / 05 / 2008
See also:
Encounter with Orthodoxy
