Almost all of us sometimes experience resentment, someone more often, someone less often.

Sometimes a feeling of resentment creeps in quite imperceptibly, as if whispering something from the inside.

And sometimes it covers with a big wave, which can demolish on its way.

With the help of 7 mindfulness tools that help you find the cause and quickly get rid of the need to be offended.

So what to do?

1. Get out of the “I am a victim” state.

When we say “I was offended”, as if we were declaring that I was offended, someone else is to blame for what is happening. There is an emotional reaction caused by the displeasure of the other person. And this is shifting responsibility to another, in fact - the state of the victim.

So instead of "I'm offended," say "I'm offended." By doing this, you take responsibility for the feeling that has arisen and can already work with it.

Is it easy to say? But with a little practice and easy to do! - When you are offended, you internally shrink, you often become small and insignificant, as if nothing depends on you, everyone around you turns into offenders.

Express it with your body - just contract on the inhale, close completely, do it very, very strongly, and with the exit, straighten up, straighten your shoulders, straighten up, inhale deeply, say “I am not a victim, I am responsible for my internal state, for myself , my life and my reality, I am the creator! If necessary, repeat several times: quickly shrink, as if being offended, then quickly open up, showing a different state - creation and responsibility for your creations.

Whom you choose to be at such a moment - a victim or a creator - your will and your responsibility.

2. Look at yourself through the eyes of the offender

TOEvery person sees this world from his bell tower and very often unable to see the whole picture and understand other people's point of view. We tend to think that we are right, and others are not. Is it logical?

Therefore, if we try to take the position of another, try to understand or simply see the situation through the eyes of another, why the other did it, what prompted it, we can see the whole picture as a whole, and not only from our own bell tower - from the position “I am right”. And often it becomes ridiculous, illogical and generally unnecessary to be offended.

After all, we are offended by parents, wives, husbands, friends, people in general, by some situations ... simply because they had no time, because they saw the situation in their own way, forgot to do something, or were not in the mood, or left unspoken, misunderstood something, or even to life for the fact that situations do not turn out the way we want.

Well, what's to be offended by? We are all living people, we can all forget, get tired, say something different, hurt, not cope with emotions ...

You can learn how to work with your emotional states, including resentment, at the lessons of the free introductory course “.”

3. Ask “What am I missing now? what exactly do I want now? – and give it to yourself.

Often behind the resentment there is a desire to get something, a lack of something, which can be completely filled with the help of resentment - attention, love, understanding, etc. It is easy enough to manipulate resentment, making someone guilty and demanding that he do something. then for you. Inside, the mechanism is often prescribed: "I will be offended - I will get something."

But! 1x, you can ask others for what you need directly; 2x, you can give yourself what you need yourself. - This is already an adult position, when you can take care of yourself without shifting responsibility to anyone.

4. Separate the childish part of yourself from the adult and give your childish part love and protection.

Most often, being offended is a childish condition, it is a wounded inner child who lacks something and asks for help. So help him - find this part in yourself, your inner child, understand what his wound or injury was, hug, say “I am here, I am nearby, I will take care of you, you are under my protection, I love you very much” .

5. Tell yourself “Stop. I don't want to poison myself."

The brain sends a signal to the body, to produce certain hormones, to increase blood flow ..., - starts chemical reaction in body. It’s just that resentment is quite toxic, it flows into the body like a slow poison, and if there is a lot of it, then this can completely undermine health or some vital function in the body.

If resentment destroys me first of all, it poisons my body, my thoughts, my state as a whole, is it worth being offended? Does it serve my good? Or at least I should consider whether I want to poison myself in this way or choose something else?

6. Ask yourself "What do I really feel?".

Often behind the insult there is anger, anger, a feeling of injustice, a desire to defend oneself, acute dissatisfaction with the situation, etc. But it is not customary to express anger and anger, you cannot stamp your feet, shout loudly, express your disagreement, create a conflict ... But it is quite possible to be offended.

If there are completely different emotions behind the resentment, acknowledge them and allow yourself to let them out, at least in private.

7. Change your habitual way of responding.

If resentment is your usual reaction: you said something - you were offended, often without even understanding why, then it is important to cultivate new habit- instead of being offended, for example, take a few deep breaths, switch your attention, start making funny faces and laugh ... You can ask where this resentment is in the body and breathe “this place”. I usually start doing a little exercise, even if I'm sitting, it quickly helps to remove this charge in the body.

The most important thing here is not to suppress the emerging emotion of resentment, not to shove it inside, namely to switch your attention and action to something else. In order not to stick to the offense, but having understood the usual way of responding, replace it with something else.

As you can see resentment as a signal , showing "there is something!", "Pay attention to me." And at such moments, instead of plunging into its pool and stewing in it, sorting out the behavior of the offender, how bad he/she is and what is to blame, you should turn your attention to yourself and deal with yourself: “why am I behaving like this?” way? what is my benefit? and what motivates me?

And at this moment, you can see that it is beneficial for you to feel this way, this feeling gives you something, because it supports internal trauma, belief, emotion, a state of sacrifice, etc. And I hope that with the help of the proposed tools of awareness, you will realize this reason and quickly free yourself from the need to respond to something with the help of resentment.

How do you deal with resentment? Which of the proposed methods will you take to your piggy bank of actions? - Share in the comments below!

Good luck in everything, Evgenia Medvedeva

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Resentment often manifests itself in a person, due to many factors, but How, few know. In a state of resentment, it is impossible to make informed decisions, think correctly and enjoy life. But there is no need to be upset, as psychologists have found out the main essence of resentment and today they will share it with you.

What do you feel

To deal with resentment and anger , you first need to just evaluate what you are feeling and feeling right now. Resentment is a consequence of deceived feelings and emotions, therefore, simply by evaluating the problem, you can immediately solve it. Examine your character, you may be prone to resentment, this is your habit, which you can easily deal with if you yourself want to.

Consequences of loneliness

Psychologists and scientists have come to the conclusion that you can get rid of resentment by communicating with good people. After all, when we are offended by our friend, girlfriend, comrade, we remain completely alone and we need communication and joy. For everyone, the ideal option would be to stop showing resentment altogether, and find positive sides in people, this requires . It is wiser to solve the problem immediately than to remain alone for a long time.

Unconscious resentment

Basically we want deal with resentment and anger, but it turns out to be completely unconscious and unfair. All people have feelings and emotions, but sometimes they need to be restrained and controlled, which will help both you and those around you. If there is a tendency to resent resentment regularly, change your mindset and think more about good circumstances. Scientists also suggest that we look for only the good and positive in every person, so we will never be offended, and we are not going to offend anyone. But every person should strive for this, and then the world will become much more beautiful. After all, in order to cope with resentment, you do not need a lot of time and effort, you just need to change your stereotypes and views, which are unjustified and unconscious.

When you got offended

Also, in order to cope with resentment, not necessarily everything should be connected with the fact that you were offended, it also happens that you were offended and quite seriously. First you need to remember the whole situation from beginning to end and understand whether you did the right thing, whether you are to blame for this situation. No need to deceive yourself and say that you are right, first analyze the situation. After that, you can find out whether you did it wrong, offended your friend, or whether he was offended by you unconsciously and unjustifiably. According to the statistics of psychologists, in most cases, all grievances manifest themselves unconsciously and unjustifiably. Understanding this, you can become smarter than the situation and simply improve relations with a person, no matter what he or you are no longer offended by each other. Life is short to waste time on such trifles.

Insults and humiliation

In the rating compiled by psychologists, the cause of resentment is also insults and humiliation. Such cases are associated with not invented resentment. Rather, it is a very unfair and serious offense that remains in a person for several years. After all, constant humiliation is not fair, that any person may not show resentment, but it will still remain in the heart for a long time. If you insulted and humiliated, then you need to immediately apologize and begin to change your character. In this case, you will be able to become stronger and more successful, since humiliation is a consequence of a weak character, and will not help to cope with resentment.

Take care of your health

Also, the Bible says that be able to forgive which has a positive effect on health. You should not be offended, you will not prove anything to a person, you will lose a lot of time and effort in vain, and your health will deteriorate due to negative emotions and anxiety. Do something good and the resentment will pass. We need to take care of our health, because no one will give it to us for a birthday or New Year. You decide what you do, but it is better to be successful, happy, and most importantly healthy.

Do what you love

All scientists and psychologists do not cease to convince us that the most effective way to overcome resentment and other unnecessary trifles is to do what you love. This has been proven by many studies and real examples. successful people. They said that they became successful and happy because they started doing what they love. Take the initiative and find your place in society, then resentment and other problems will disappear and they will be replaced by happiness and success.

Rid yourself of complexes

To stop being offended, you need to get rid of a variety of unnecessary complexes. It turned out that the most harmful complex that can interfere with you is the one that you can deal with right now. This is a completely unnecessary complex that manifests itself in a completely different way than you think. A person having such a complex does not show shyness, stiffness and fear, on the contrary, he tries to hide it, to show that he does not have this complex. Manifestations are different, such as a raised voice, unnecessary leadership, unjustified criticism and humiliation of people who behave more calmly than others.

Don't think about it

The most cunning and wise advice from a psychologist is to simply stop thinking about such a feeling as resentment. Forget about its existence, fill your life only with positive and joy, and only you will notice the result. If you have additional questions, ask them in the comments, we will definitely answer them.

psycho- olog. en

Resentment in psychology is a strong destructive feeling that has a destructive effect. Offended, people refuse to communicate with loved ones, change the attitude of others towards themselves, and harm their own health. She leaves behind pain and emptiness that will haunt for a long time: days, weeks, even years. When the pain gradually calms down, insulting words, gestures, looks suddenly resurface in the memories - and the state returns, and with its former strength. To avoid such situations, one must learn to transform negative reactions, get rid of accumulated attitudes that are harmful to harmony.

The state of resentment occurs when one, during communication, utters or performs actions that go beyond what is permitted in the opinion of the other. It is characterized by the following conditions:

• dislike;
• irritation;
• mental pain;
• annoyance;
• feeling of betrayal;
• the desire to cause the same injury to the interlocutor;
• exclusively subjective assessment of the situation due to the blocking of consciousness;
• anger.

In psychology, the basis of resentment is a state after unfulfilled expectations from the interlocutor:

• real - I expected you to fulfill this promise;
• imaginary - I thought you would do this, and not in another way.

The reaction comes regardless of the nature of the expectations. Then it goes along one of the paths: it breaks out or hides inside the personality. The first path in most cases leads to conflicts, the second - to internal and prolonged coldness towards the offender.

While one of the participants in the conflict is offended, the second feels guilty. If this does not happen, the state of resentment becomes useless. Feelings of resentment cannot be experienced in relation to an object that cannot react: animals, unfamiliar, inanimate objects. They will not cause feelings of resentment, and those who will definitely avoid remorse will refuse to correct the situation. Their words will leave rather a reaction of anger, annoyance, insults.

How to deal with resentment?

The reaction to an unpleasant situation depends on the type of personality:

• persons with increased expressiveness, choleric, active extroverts splash out emotion on the opponent. The resulting misunderstanding affects relationships, can quarrel, make enemies;
• persons of a melancholic warehouse prefer to keep a negative reaction inside, put pressure on the opponent's conscience with hidden levers. The feeling of injustice of the interlocutor causes depression. The conflict may not carry a bright negative connotation, but such people can be offended for years, hiding their view of what happened and not trying to correct the situation.

Psychology of personal resentment: how does this feeling arise and what is it fraught with?

The basis of personal negative reactions is considered to be incorrect ideas about the interlocutor, a comparison of one's picture of the world with his worldview.

Each individual develops his own set of ideas about the surrounding space over time. It is good if the acceptable behavior patterns of the interlocutors approximately coincide. Disagreements, with a biased assessment, lead to the reaction: "I thought you would do it differently", "I think your words are wrong."

The causes of occurrence are conditionally divided into three groups:

1. Unconscious manipulation due to the inability to forgive. A common cause of resentment according to psychologists.
2. in order to make the interlocutor feel guilty, and then get what they want.
3. Failed expectations. If you perceive your picture of the world as the only true one, then the expectations associated with other people will sooner or later not come true. Reasons can be both significant and trifling. A colleague will forget to give a lift to the house (“But I gave him a lift several times! He should have offered me the same thing!”), A friend from social networks I forgot to congratulate him on his birthday (“And I congratulated him. I’ll put it on a special list, then I’ll specifically ignore his name day!”) - this is how resentment happens.

If a person is constantly offended, psychology promises him the following consequences:

• loss of communication with others. Not only that, not all friends are ready to feel guilty for someone's destructive logic, trying to restore relationships. It may happen that the offender will tell others about the conflict, after which they will shun the offended;
• not everyone is ready to analyze the reasons for the aggressive behavior of another, to guess whether he was offended by something, and if so, then what specifically. Most people just don't get it. The offended person has to keep the destructive emotion inside, not understanding how to get out of the situation;
• resentment (unspoken - in particular) undermines physical health, since it is directly related to nervous system. Experiences due to the loss of harmonious communication with loved ones, hurt one's own interests can affect the physical condition.

Resentment from the point of view of psychology

As the psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valeryevich Baturin notes, this is one of the most common causes requests for advice. It happens that a person formulates his problem in a completely different way, incorrectly building cause-and-effect relationships. At the consultation, it turns out that the cause of the current situation was precisely the offense. Therefore, with serious difficulties in interacting with others, it is recommended to seek help from a specialist.

The psychology of resentment distinguishes several types of this feeling:

• Imaginary - based on a conscious desire to manipulate a loved one, to attract his attention. There is an exact calculation: “now I will show that I need to be treated differently, and he will make amends, for example, make a pleasant surprise.” This is often abused by children, thus demanding from their parents what they want;
• Random - occurs when disagreements arise between the interlocutors. Instead of a reasoned dispute, a negative reaction appears. The conversation immediately changes direction: attempts to make amends begin, to get forgiveness, a conflict occurs or communication simply stops;
• With an erroneous vector - for example, the parents awarded the sister with a sweet gift for the "five" in the diary, and the brother does not study well, so he was left without a gift. Instead of learning a lesson by raising his grades, the brother begins to take offense at his sister, behaves accordingly in relation to her. She, despite her lack of guilt, feels remorse;
• Hidden - does not appear externally. There are many reasons for this: a person is not ready to admit to himself that he is experiencing this feeling, he was brought up with the attitude “offended is bad”, he simply does not want to conflict at a particular moment, etc. Sooner or later, the emotion will find a way out. But all the time while it is inside, a person experiences the smallest details of the conflict over and over again, continuing to give a load to the nervous system.

In psychology, a sense of resentment is characteristic of most people. But some are rarely offended for really serious reasons, while others make it their lifestyle. They are ready to look for reasons in everything, and then meekly wait for the world to apologize and have a beneficial effect on their self-esteem.

Psychosomatics of the emergence of feelings of resentment

This emotion provokes diseases and failures in all body systems. The most vulnerable organ can be affected.

Aggression, as an integral component of any negative reaction, rarely finds a way out in full. Part remains inside until the person gets rid of memories of the situation, switching attention to other topics. Once inside, an aggressive reaction has a devastating effect on:

• nervous system: headaches, discomfort in the solar plexus, problems with the spine;
• endocrine system: hormonal balance is disturbed against the background of experiences, which provokes other diseases.

Most often, according to psychology, touchy people suffer. The heart muscle takes the blow of any experience. Unspoken or unfinished resentment exacerbates chronic diseases, adds new ones. For example, gynecological problems, up to infertility with an unexplained cause, may be associated with omissions between partners. Often there are depressions, oppressed states. Especially difficult cases transform the accumulated negativity into oncological diseases or suicide attempts.

Timely work with character will help to avoid especially serious conditions. Psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valerievich Baturin claims: it is never too late to start building a harmonious personality:

Positive and negative manifestations of resentment

By its nature, such a reaction is only one of the many feelings that a person is capable of manifesting. But the impact on relationships with the outside world is so destructive that it is recommended to get rid of resentment, to minimize it.

Negative manifestations:

• spoils relationships with loved ones;
• makes a touchy person unbearable;
• forms a negative image among acquaintances and colleagues;
• affects the physical condition;
• takes a lot of time.

It is curious: for the "victim" in this bad habit there is nothing negative. Why does a person take offense at trifles? Psychology gives the answer: this is a simple and effective way to manipulate others. Offended - got what he wanted. The goal has been reached.

In fact, the positive manifestations of these reactions are different:

• a chance to reveal your weaknesses. Words, actions hurt when they hurt the living. Is it possible to somehow protect, work out, strengthen the weakened "bastion" of the personality in order to avoid repetition? By the way, this is one way to distract yourself: start working out ways to protect yourself in the future;
• defensive reaction from pain There is a respite, time to switch from the very fact of parting to a sense of injustice;
• one of the ways to get rid of the accumulated negativity. In the process of getting rid of negative attitudes, a person clears away the “blockages” of annoyance, anger, indignation and despondency, which have imperceptibly accumulated.

Why let go of resentment?

Touchiness in psychology, if there are no signs of a conscious bad habit in it, is, in fact, a subjective assessment of other people's life beliefs. Due to the fact that someone thinks differently, does not live up to expectations, the victim suffers. The responsibility for suffering in most cases lies with her.

Getting rid of the feeling of resentment brings to life:

• calm;
• relief of the soul;
• physical health;
• psycho-emotional well-being;
• inspiration and success.

There is no point in wasting your time on annoyance and anger about the fact that a loved one or colleague did not do something or did it in his own way. At the first sign of appearance, you need to take control of the situation and get rid of destructive emotions.

In the process of deliverance, it will be important to analyze what is happening in order to prevent repetition in the future. For example, if a loved one did not make a gift on the occasion of a certain date, you need to figure out why this happened. He forgot? So, next time it is worth reminding him in advance, preferably in a mild form, so that he does not take offense.

How to forgive an offense?

Resentment is an acquired property of character in psychology. We learn this from the adults around us, adopt it as a bad habit, and then look for ways to get rid of it for a long time.

Two tips for victims:

• throw these experiences out of the heart;
• learn to forgive.

For someone who has been accustomed all his life to be offended by others, to manipulate them consciously or unconsciously, it is difficult to follow these tips. Clients of psychologists often misunderstand what is meant by seemingly simple phrases.

Down with resentment from the heart

There is a good exercise for this: emotional isolation. It is based on simple example. The offender is perceived by the victim as a source of conflict. If she sees him every day without the ability to isolate physically (for example, colleagues working in the same office), you should try to turn off any emotions in relation to the offender. Notepad, pen, paper on the table do not cause any emotions. The same neutral indifference must be formed in relation to the offender. It might be difficult at first. But over time, a quarrel based on subjective perception will be forgotten, the conflict will be settled. Neutrality is the best assistant for those who want to get rid of negative consequences communication.

How to achieve neutrality? Work out the conflict situation once with yourself or a psychologist, come to the conclusion: the negative reaction is caused by unjustified expectations in relation to the opponent, who could not reach the set bar in any way. Release the offender along with his inner perception of the world, norms, attitudes.

How a psychologist can help: teach how to train stress resistance. Emotional stability is a guarantee

Learning to forgive

Forgiveness is a conscious state, sincere, always comes from the heart. Only such a deep feeling really helps to cope with conflicts faster, as well as control the situation, stopping attempts to offend and the desire to be offended in time.

To learn to forgive, you need to work daily with your life attitudes and change them. You can do this in any state, even if at that moment there is no resentment in the heart.

Five Steps to Forgiveness and Love:

1. Live in harmony with your emotions.
2. Learn to let go of the past, live for today.
3. Control states, choose them consciously (“I choose forgiveness, not revenge”).
4. Learn lessons from each situation and use them in the future.
5. Forgive yourself, give others love and light.

How a psychologist can help: There are learning exercises for each step. A written presentation of one's own views, positions, attitudes, followed by analysis, helps well. If you have a strong desire to follow this path, sign up for a consultation with a psychologist Nikita Baturin. With its help, it is easier to learn how to get rid of resentment.

How can you help your child deal with resentment?

It is generally accepted that offended is characteristic of people from the age of 2-3 years. This is the period of the beginning of active interaction of the individual with the outside world. The kid learns what emotions are available to him, why they are, how they manifest themselves. He can not only be offended, but also demonstrate his reaction. If the surrounding adults do not prompt in time what is happening to him, but simply make amends with gifts from time to time, the child will learn to manipulate.

The ability to consciously be offended remains until adulthood. Resentment is to some extent a “childish” feeling that does not grow with the owner. Adults are offended by others like five-year-old children.

Responsibility for such behavior lies on the shoulders of parents, guardians, teachers. So that a person does not grow up touchy, psychology gives some advice to educators of young children.

1. You can't ignore your child's emotions. Explain, pronounce each reaction. The offended child needs to calmly tell the essence of what is happening. If he tries to persuade him to buy his favorite sweets or toys, calmly explain why the purchase is impossible. The more often you ignore your child's feelings, the longer and harder it will be to get rid of bad emotional habits.
2. Children should not be allowed to show emotions. After all, what is resentment in psychology? This is a destructive feeling that destroys external ties, depriving internal harmony. It cannot be hidden inside, "because it is not customary to be offended." The sooner you instill in a person the habit of transforming negative reactions into life experience the easier it will be in adulthood.
3. Punishment for the manifestation of such reactions provokes a desire for revenge.
4. Teach children to forgive. This can be done with the help of books, films, stories. The best way This is, of course, my own example.

They say that you need to prepare psychologically. It is necessary to build a harmonious personality in order to easily instill these qualities in children later. Personal example was and still is the best teacher.

resentment in childhood- not only negative emotion. This is a great opportunity to learn introspection, behavior control. The child learns to draw conclusions, build a strategy of behavior. Therefore, do not be afraid of children's emotions, fight them. You just need to choose the right keys to the heart of the baby.

Summing up, we can say: resentment is also a medicine, you just need the right dosage. If this is not manipulation and a good habit of getting what you want, then a negative reaction to words or actions can be considered as one of the feelings inherent in the personality. The higher the emotional intelligence, the more benefit is derived from hurtful situations. After introspection, such a person seeks to quickly get rid of negative consequences. This is the path to success, harmony with yourself and the world around you.

According to statistics, at least once in a lifetime, all people are offended. However, everyone handles hurt differently. Why is this happening? A person has certain “sore spots”, hitting which, it is very easy to offend him. Some people have fewer such places, others have more, hence the varying degree of resentment that arises. There are also cases when a person does not seem to be at all, although he simply saves everything somewhere deep in his soul.

Why people get offended: the main reasons

The most common reason for resentment is a simple calculation. A person pretends to be offended in order to derive some benefit from his interlocutor. At the same time, it is not at all necessary to feel resentment, in fact, it is enough to pretend. This method is more often used by girls to get what they want from a man.

The next reason is the banal inability or unwillingness to forgive. In this case, the offended person himself may not know what exactly he was offended by - the fact itself and the subsequent apologies are important to him.

Another reason for resentment can be unjustified expectations. For example, a person is completely sure that after today's interview he will definitely be hired, but they never call him back. Or a birthday girl dreams of receiving a gift from her young man, with whom they have been living together for more than four years, the long-awaited ring, and receives a romantic vacation by the sea.

What to do

1. Analyze the situation: it is quite possible that the interlocutor simply does not suspect that his words could offend someone. In this case, you need to put yourself in his place and see if this person could realize by saying these exact words that he could hurt your feelings.

2. Always take advantage of any situation for yourself. Perhaps the interlocutor pointed out your shortcomings, which really take place. You can thank him for saying it to his face and not spreading rumors behind his back.

3. It is useless to be offended that a person did not live up to your expectations. No one can read minds and accurately guess the desires of another. It is much more effective, for example, to simply ask the husband to throw out the garbage, and the mother-in-law to sit with the child, than to wait for them to guess about it themselves, and then be offended because this did not happen.

Harm of resentment

It has been proven that this emotion causes many diseases, for example, cancer or cirrhosis of the liver in a completely non-drinking person, constant migraines and insomnia, not to mention the lack of peace of mind. It is worth considering what is actually more expensive: pride and hurt feelings or your own health?

As the famous Sigmund Freud used to say, almost all of our problems, complexes and other troubles have their roots in childhood, that is, all this develops in childhood under the influence of various negative factors. Young children begin to get acquainted with the feeling of resentment somewhere from the age of two.

Until this age, babies may feel anger, but not resentment. Children often adopt this emotion from their elders and begin to manipulate adults with the help of their grievances. Together with you, we will figure out where grievances come from and how to compete with them?

This emotion arises when there is a situation of discrepancy between the expected behavior of a person and his real act. Thus, the feeling of resentment includes three aspects:

• setting expectations;
• observation of actions;
• juxtaposition of aspirations and reality.

Simply put, we expect understanding from a partner or friend, some actions in our direction, but we do not tell him about it.

And we even ate and say that we firmly believe that a person will do exactly as we ask, regardless of their own desires and capabilities.

Of course, in a family and relationships, we all, without exception, expect love, respect, care. But, importantly, for some reason we are in no hurry to talk about our desires.

Moreover, we have a relationship model firmly in our head (based on the parental family or series and ladies' novels), not realizing that our partner may have a different relationship model in his mind.

But if you think about it, this model of behavior is fundamentally wrong! After all, no one owes anyone anything!

It is very stupid to devote your life to a person, forgetting about yourself. It just means that you don't value yourself, and you won't get anything out of the relationship. So it turns out that all our lives we have been waiting for something from a person who, in principle, cannot give us this!

Resentment against loved ones

All worthwhile relationships have only one future - bright and beautiful. Everything good that we get in a relationship, we should appreciate as a gift.

It is not so easy to offend us to strangers, but it is very easy for a close person. After all, we do not expect anything from an outsider, and therefore we are not angry. But casually thrown rudeness or a caustic remark from a loved one hurts very much.

Roots of resentment

Undoubtedly, some deep emotional trauma always “sits” at the root of resentment. Often an inferiority complex is to blame. Constant self-doubt, low self-esteem, inability to take responsibility - all this only complicates your relationships with loved ones.

This is the eternal expectation that you will suddenly be appreciated, that you will be helped to do something for you. When it doesn't, you get very upset.

You can of course hold other people responsible for your happiness and success. But then these people will always influence your mood and attitude. Your happiness is only in your hands, do not put it in the hands of others.

Is it necessary to fight it

Don't think that these are just big words. Internal grievances, like unhealed wounds, do not allow us to love and live. full life lead to disease and even death.

Make a choice right now, once they forever take life into their own hands. Manage your resentment completely, do not let this emotion control you. It is like a poison that eats away at your being.

Being able to manage your emotions is an indisputable advantage of a person at any time. We have selected for you ten most effective practices for getting rid of this destructive emotion, exercising in which you will gradually cope with it.

Pull yourself together and never make serious decisions in a state of resentment. Know how to take control of your emotions.

Running and hitting back the offender is not the best option. Take his photograph, and if not, a soft toy or pillow. Imagining that this object is the offender who appeared before you - speak out to him.

Explain in detail what specifically touched you and did not suit you. This task will teach you to clearly and clearly indicate what you want and what you don’t want at all.

Take an object (a soft toy, for example) and imagine that your offender is in front of you. Express all your pain and bitterness through the physical impact on this subject. If you want to cry - feel free to shed tears!

If speaking out is a problem for you, just write a letter to the offender. Pour on paper what you think about the situation that hurts you. After passing this practice, the letter can be destroyed.

Learn to conduct a constructive dialogue, without unnecessary emotions and insults. In a conversation with the offender, you should not use "you-messages", but the "I-message" model. That is, do not tell the interlocutor: “You offended me!”. Tell the person who offended you: “I am very offended, your words (actions) upset me very much.”

After all, if a person is accused of something, he begins to defend himself. But if you say everything that you feel, perhaps the offender will be imbued and think about his behavior.

Put yourself in the place of the offender, perhaps he does this unconsciously. Or they just don't pay attention to their actions. It is even possible that this person has become accustomed to this behavior pattern since childhood.

Oddly enough, you can say "Thank you!" to your offender. After all, he revealed your weak sides and now you have something to work on.

It may sound silly, but you need to forgive yourself for being offended. Forgive yourself and it will get easier.

Try to understand once and for all that the actions of people, for the most part, are neither good nor bad.

Go over in your mind all your acquaintances and friends, are there people among them who are never offended? Why do you think they are so persistent? And the thing is that these people are very self-confident, their self-esteem is simply impenetrable for insults. These people are the masters of their lives, they do not depend on others, but rely only on themselves.

So how do you deal with resentment?

• do not smack the fever - do not decide important questions in a state of anger;
• if grievances are your regular guests, consider why this is happening. You may have self-esteem issues. Of course, you won't solve it in one day. But when you become more confident in yourself, the offenders around will decrease for sure;
• do not accumulate resentment in yourself, because they can become the causes of diseases and disorders. Forgive the offense and live life to the fullest!