The book The Four Second Rule offers a recipe for replacing unproductive automatic decisions that suck up your time and energy with new habits that will save you time and give you energy.
Peter Bregman - About the author
Peter Bregman - management consultant. Peter started his career as a leadership teacher for climbing expeditions. Peter is the founder of Bregman Partners, a consulting firm that advises executives from large companies to startups.
The Four Second Rule - Book Review
Do you often find that you react to something that you think is right, but in the end you get a completely different result? Surely you think that you wanted to do the best, but it turned out as always. This is because of the automatic reactions that cause us to react in the same way in similar situations. By changing them, you will be able to work more productively, improve relationships with others, and begin to live more harmoniously.
4 seconds will come to your aid. Yes Yes! Just 4 seconds. This is the time it takes to inhale and exhale. During this period, you will be able to look at the situation from the outside and change the automatic reaction. Of course, it's not as easy as it seems. After all, efforts are needed in order, for example, not to yell at a subordinate for his mistake, but to want to constructively evaluate what happened.
It is very difficult to inhale and exhale during an argument, when you are annoyed or even more so furious. But this is the first step towards getting rid of unproductive automatic reactions. Let's take a look at how to start making changes for the better.
Chapter 1
We are all at the mercy of impulses. Someone starts screaming in an unpleasant situation, someone tries to insert a word with or without reason, someone is drawn to go to social networks every five minutes (“Have a new message arrived?”, “Have there been interesting news?”) .
One of the most effective ways is meditation. She teaches to control impulses. And the simpler it is, the better. For example, you can sit in a chair, set an alarm (after deciding how long it will take you), close your eyes, relax, and focus on your breathing. Try to meditate every time you have an impulse. Even if you don't have at least five minutes, you can take four seconds to breathe in and out. This time may be enough to make a more informed decision and not be led by the impulse.
Chapter 2
It is believed that it is necessary to set clear goals with an indication of the timing of their achievement. But practice shows that this approach is not always productive. If we operate within narrow limits, we often either do not see other possibilities, or try to achieve the goal in every possible way.
But it is impossible to do without goals. The best way out here is to designate zones of concentration, that is, to determine the actions that need to be given time. If the goal is the result, then the zone of concentration is the path. Of course, two approaches can be used. But the advantage of the concentration zone is that it is built in accordance with self-motivation, you will not have the desire to cheat in order to achieve the goal by all means, you will be set to cooperate instead of fierce rivalry.
Determine for yourself a few areas (no more than five) that you would like to devote maximum time to, and focus on them. Focus on the task, not the result, and you will be pleasantly surprised.
Chapter 3
The day before, you decided to go to the gym after work. Today comes, work time comes to an end, and you say to yourself: "I worked too hard, I'm tired, I'll go to the gym next time, I'd better rest at home today." A familiar situation, isn't it?
Instead of having internal dialogues, promising something to yourself, then arguing and looking for excuses, replace motivation with action. Motivation is about thinking, while action is about practice. Make a decision once, as if it were an axiom, and do not allow yourself to reflect on it, do not listen to the brain if it tries to dissuade you. The main thing is to start taking action.
Chapter 4
Often, when solving creative problems, we give up everything else and give ourselves a sufficient period of time to complete them. But productivity in this case is extremely low, because it is human nature to put things off until later: it seems that you have enough time, but by the end of the term you are tearing your hair out, because the deadline has come and you have not done anything yet.
In this case, there are two useful tips:
- in no case do not specifically set aside a lot of time for solving one problem; on the contrary, you should be as busy as possible. In this case, you will have less time to build up and, moreover, you will not need to focus on only one task;
- change your expectations: excessive perfectionism often spoils our mood, because it seems that we are not doing something perfectly enough. Take it for granted that this project is not the last in your life and that it does not have to be perfect. The main thing is that you do the job with passion. It is important that you enjoy what you do. This is what people feel in the first place.
Chapter 5
We are used to constantly listening to family, teachers, boss and other people who think they know how to act. And we have to choose what we are told to choose. We adapt to others in order to please them, to gain approval and recognition. Yes, sometimes it pays to take other people's advice into account. However, you always need to be able to find a balance - so as not to lose your "I", otherwise there is a risk of forgetting how to act independently and stop trusting your intuition.
Stop constantly asking someone else's opinion. Better meditate and listen to your own thoughts. Learn to trust yourself, listen to what your intuition tells you. If the task that you have to solve seems too difficult for you, before running to someone for advice, first sit down and realize what you yourself think about this, hear your inner voice.
Chapter 6 Changing Expectations
One of the main causes of stress is the gap between the expected and the actual. And here there are two options: to change either reality or expectations.
Reality can, in principle, be changed. For example, if a subordinate seems insufficiently competent to you, help him improve his skills. If this does not bring results, you can fire the person. However, practice shows that attempts to change reality do not always give a tangible effect, most often the situation is even more tense, and the level of stress only increases.
So the best way is a change in expectations. Try to think globally. Create an imaginary scale with divisions from one to ten, where 10 points is being in one of the twin towers on September 11, 9 is a serious incurable disease, 8 is a prison sentence, and so on. As a result, all situations that throw us off balance are at levels 1 and 2. Keep this in mind when, for example, arguing with an ISP because of problems with the Internet (after all, you could not finish watching an episode of your favorite series! What a tragedy !).
This does not mean that you have to put up with everything. However, remember that small problems are not worth your nerves, they only accumulate and then lead to a lot of stress. So if you can't change reality, change your attitude towards it.
Chapter 7
Rituals do not necessarily belong to the realm of religion. In this case, this is what our attention is directed to. It is a way of concentrating on what you are about to do, such as starting a new work day, meeting, calling someone, etc.
Take a break for a few seconds, focus on what you have to do, feel respect for the work ahead. This will remind you every time that you need to be respectful of the case. You will get more pleasure from work, will begin to perform duties with higher quality and with greater diligence.
Chapter 8 Experimenting
We used to think that life is a performance. We spend energy judging others and thinking about how we are being evaluated. But the attitude to life as a performance causes only stress. Therefore, it is much more productive to be open to experiments, to try, to make mistakes, to draw conclusions, to try again. In this case, failures become only part of the path, and not a painful blow. Adherents of the experiment seek to find out what will happen if ... They are grateful to life for both positive and negative results.
A successful person is completely immersed in the experiment and understands that it can end in any way, but then learns from it. When you play, success is usually short-lived, and the question always arises: "What's next?". But if you are experimenting, it is not the future result that matters to you, but the present. Experimenters enjoy the process, they live full life rather than constantly waiting for future success.
Remember that there are no bad results, the main thing is to draw the right conclusions and move on. Feel every moment, and life will be filled with new colors.
Chapter 9
We are so used to occupying our mind with something else, like a smartphone or tablet, that we do not leave any time for reflection. If at work we suddenly have a free minute, we immediately climb to check mail or likes in in social networks. But in fact, boredom can be very useful, because in these moments we have time for creativity. Thoughts cling to each other, and as a result, a great idea can be born. Recall for yourself how productive thoughts visited you while jogging, in the shower or before bed.
Such moments are very important. At this time, our thoughts come into order and take shape in ideas. Therefore, do not rush to take every minute of your life with some kind of action, especially if you are solving a creative task at this period of your life.
Chapter 10
When we scold ourselves, then all desire to try again disappears. It seems to us that nothing will work out again, we reproach ourselves for every small mistake, stop taking risks and experimenting, and as a result, our productivity drops.
But being hard on yourself is not the best solution. After all, only love and a benevolent attitude towards oneself help to achieve greater success. If a person is satisfied with himself and confident in himself, he sets more serious goals and knows that failure will not break him.
When we criticize ourselves, we waste time irrationally. Of course, it would be ideal if someone constantly supported and praised us. But first of all, you need to start with yourself. Listen to your inner voice, do not focus on failures, occupy yourself with something else. And in those moments when you have achieved something, on the contrary, focus on it. Analyze what exactly led to success, and congratulate yourself. Gradually, your confidence will increase and you will love yourself even more.
This does not mean that you will become arrogant. No, insecure people are arrogant, this is their defense mechanism. And the one who loves and appreciates himself will not demonstrate superiority in relation to others. People will feel your love and kindness, and thus your relationship with others will change for the better.
Chapter 11
When we are afraid of something and not confident in ourselves, we try to delay the future, whether it is a conversation with the boss or a presentation of the project. This is where visualization can help. Close your eyes and imagine the worst possible outcome of all (for example, that the presentation failed miserably, you were criticized to the nines and deprived of the award), feel this state as sharply as possible, feel the heartbeat and experience disappointment. And then open your eyes and exhale. You have just gone through the worst. You passed this test, so it will be better further.
This approach will help perfectionists who put things off for later because of the fear of not doing everything perfectly. This method reduces the fear of failure, and also with its help you play out possible scenarios in your imagination and understand what is worth doing and what is not, and thus you visualize success.
Chapter 12
If you find yourself in a situation where you need to make a quick decision in the face of uncertainty, take a short break (walk around the office or go to the bathroom for a minute). This is enough time not to make a hasty decision.
There is no need to lament or adjust the old plan to the new situation. Imagine the result that you want to get, based on current conditions. Evaluate the options. Take the most appropriate this moment solution and move on. No matter how you plan ahead, force majeure always happens and changes occur. Therefore, the ability to act in unforeseen situations is a huge plus.
Chapter 13
In pursuit of a career, many ignore friendships at work, which is fundamentally wrong, because friendly relationships are the key to success. Adopt the following guidelines to help you communicate successfully:
- look for inspiration in other people, instead of focusing on their shortcomings;
- do not write off those people who once let you down or showed themselves with not the most better side. People tend to change, in the future they can provide you with invaluable help;
- if you feel that an argument is coming, it is better to leave. If this is unavoidable, change tactics and start listening to your opponent, instead of arguing furiously with him;
- don't make excuses. If you did something wrong, admit your guilt, thereby you will show that you always take responsibility, and this is a trait of a strong personality;
Don't expect people to behave the way you want them to. Better change your approach to people according to how they behave;
When the situation gets out of hand, don't be led by your emotions. First look at the situation from the outside, calm your negative emotions and only then speak;
- with new acquaintances, you should not advertise your brainchild from the first minutes (for example, a business or a project), tell us about yourself without any masks. Open up to people, let them believe in you;
- if you are constantly shifting the responsibilities of others, set boundaries: determine what is important to you and what is not; answer “no” to the request, not to the person, and always explain the reason; if the person continues to insist, still be adamant; do not be afraid to miss something (failure does not mean a lost opportunity, but a compromise, because in this case you will have time for more important things);
- show empathy, show people that you believe in them;
Thank people sincerely. It will be better if you note not only the merits to the company, but also the personal qualities of the person. This will give him an incentive to prove himself further;
- when you are attacked, instead of defending yourself, ask questions - this way you can find out the reason for the interlocutor's incorrect behavior and there is a high probability that the situation will be resolved peacefully.
Chapter 14
Often we spend at work, if not half our lives, then a third - that's for sure. That is why it is so important to create a friendly atmosphere around you.
Do not give vent to emotions - in an unpleasant situation, it is better to be alone for a while, comprehend what is happening and only then make a decision. You do not want your colleagues to consider you a hysteric or a psycho? Don't compare yourself to others - it's a dead end. Remember that each person is an individual. Everyone has their own skills, abilities, goals, positive and negative sides, character traits and personality traits. Focus on your strengths and help others develop their best qualities.
Accept for granted that everything changes, including ourselves, so approaches should not remain unchanged either. However, do not confuse the commitment to the result (to become a good husband and father, lead healthy lifestyle life, make your business successful) and commitment to the means by which you will achieve this result. Determine for yourself when you need to review the tools. Just as you don’t need to think that they should be unchanged, you shouldn’t constantly worry about whether you are doing everything right now. Just set a deadline for when you need to reevaluate, but in the meantime, proceed as you intended.
About the book
The 4 seconds you need to make productive decisions instead of bad ones.
What we want most - happiness and peace, good relationships, success at work - is not so difficult to realize. Problems usually arise from destructive habits that can be fought even in 4 seconds - if you pause, take a deep breath and consider your actions and their consequences.
"Listening, not persuading" is the best strategy to change someone's mind;
Goal setting can reduce your productivity;
Lack of strategy can help with regaining willpower and focus;
Taking responsibility for someone else's mistake can help your team;
Most often, stress is caused by events whose consequences are insignificant;
To combat stress, you need to change your expectations, not the surrounding reality.
This book will help you develop new productive habits and get rid of stress.
Who is this book for?
For those who want to get rid of stress and habits that reduce productivity.
about the author
Peter Bregman - CEO of Bregman Partners Inc. Bregman Partners is a consulting company that advises leaders of a wide variety of organizations, from large companies to startups. Bregman has advised top executives of the world's leading companies, including American Express, Morgan Stanley, Deutsche Bank, JPMorgan Chase, Clear Channel, Nike, UNICEF and many more.
Peter's book "18 Minutes" became a Wall Street Journal bestseller, won gold medal Axiom Business Book awards, included in the top ten business books of the year by Publisher's Weekly and The New York Post.
18 Minutes is a smart and practical guide that explains how to make good and effective decisions. Peter is a regular contributor to Harvard Business Review, Fast Company, Forbes, National Public Radio, Psychology Today, and CNN, and a weekly commentator for Fox Business News.
Peter started his career as a leadership teacher for climbing expeditions. Then he worked in the consulting firm "Hay Group and Accenture". In 1998 he founded Bregman Partners Inc. Peter received a bachelor's degree from Princeton University and an MBA from Columbia University. He constantly travels around the world, giving master classes on how to manage, work and live more efficiently.
That morning, as I always do in the morning, I sat on a pillow on the floor, crossed my legs, put my hands on my knees, closed my eyes and breathed for twenty minutes - and nothing more.
They say the hardest thing about meditation is finding time for it. And this makes sense. Who has time these days to do nothing? It is difficult to find an excuse for such an occupation.
Meditation has many benefits: it refreshes, helps us make sense of what is happening to us, makes us wiser and calmer, helps us not to go crazy in a world that stuffs us with information and connections, and more. If you lack the business case to dedicate time to meditation, how about this: Meditation makes you more productive.
How? Strengthening your ability to resist distracting impulses.
Research shows that resisting impulses improves relationships, builds trustworthiness, and increases productivity. If you are able to resist impulses, then you can make better, more deliberate decisions, be more aware of what you say and how, and be able to imagine the consequences of your actions before you take them.
The ability to resist impulse determines how easy it will be for you to learn to behave differently or change an old habit. This is perhaps the single most important skill for growth and development.
As it turned out, this is one of the abilities that can be acquired through meditation. But it's not easy to learn.
When I took the meditation posture that morning, my worries vanished. My mind was free of everything that had occupied it before the start of meditation. I didn't notice anything but my breathing. Lightness appeared in my body, I felt peace.
For about four seconds.
The time it takes to inhale and exhale. The next breath was enough to make my head cloud again. I felt itchy on my face and wanted to scratch it. A perfect title for the next book came into my mind, and I felt compelled to write it down before I forgot it. I thought of at least four phone calls to be made and one difficult conversation to take place a little later. I got worried because I realized that I only have a few hours to devote to the book. So why am I sitting here? I wanted to open my eyes and look at the timer to see how much longer I had to sit. I heard children arguing in the next room and wanted to intervene.
But here's the important thing: I wanted to do all of the above, but I didn't. Whenever one of these thoughts came to me, I shifted my focus back to the breath.
Four seconds is enough to lose focus, but it's also enough to focus again. Four seconds of inhalation and exhalation is all it takes to refrain from an unproductive automatic reaction. Four seconds is all it takes to make more informed strategic choices that are more likely to get you closer to what you want.
Sometimes the problem is not doing what you need to do. For example, when you avoid an unpleasant conversation. But sometimes the problem is that you do what to do not worth it: talk instead of listen, play politics instead of staying above it.
Meditation teaches you to resist the urge to act unproductively.
Later I will talk about how it is easier and more reliable to create an environment that will help you achieve your goals than to rely on willpower. However, at times it pays to rely on good old self-control.
For example, it is useful when an employee makes a mistake and you are ready to yell at him, even though you know that it is much better - for him and for maintaining the morale of the whole team - to ask a few leading questions and talk like reasonable polite people. Or when you want to blurt out something in a business meeting, but you realize it's better to listen to others. Or when you want to buy or sell stocks based on your emotions, despite the fact that analytical indicators and your own research indicate that such a decision is unwise. Or when you feel like checking email every three minutes instead of focusing on the current task.
Every time you meditate, you will find that impulse is just one of the options. You have everything under control.
Does this mean that from now on you will never give in to impulse? Of course not. Pulses carry useful information. If you feel hungry, this may be a sure sign that it's time for you to eat, but it can also indicate that you are bored or stuck at a difficult stage of work. Meditation teaches you to control impulses so that you can consciously choose which ones to give in to and which ones not to.
How should you meditate? If you are just starting out, the simpler the better.
Sit - on a chair or on the floor on a pillow - and straighten your back so that you breathe easily, set a timer for the time you want to devote to meditation. After starting the timer, close your eyes, relax, and don't move—just breathe—until the beep sounds. Focus on inhaling and exhaling. Every time a thought or impulse comes up, give it a little attention and again focus on the breath.
That's all. Simple, but difficult. Try it – today – for five minutes. And repeat tomorrow.
Don't have five minutes? Then let there be four seconds.
A four-second pause—just enough time to breathe in and out—may be enough to let go of a bad decision and replace it with a better one.
Why did Pinto explode?
A new look at goal setting
"Sofia! Daniel! Isabel! I shouted across the apartment to the children playing in my room. The school bus will arrive in ten minutes. Who will brush their teeth the fastest and be ready to go?”
They rushed to the bathroom, giggling. Two minutes later, Daniel was at the door, slightly ahead of Sophia, followed by Isabella. I smiled, pleased with my victory. I reached my goal: the kids brushed their teeth and got ready to leave in record time.
Or is it not a win at all?
Yes, they left the house on time. But the two minutes it took them to do so meant they brushed their teeth in a hurry, clearly didn't floss, and left a terrible mess in the bathroom.
We all know how important it is to have goals. Yes, not anyhow, but "big brazen goals", or BHAGs, as they are called in certain circles.
There is a rational grain in this: if you do not know exactly what you are striving for, then you will not achieve anything. And if you don't set the bar high enough, you'll never reach your potential.
In the business world, goal setting is a basic accepted principle, reinforced by scientific research like the one held among graduates MBA programs at Harvard in 1979. You may have heard of him. Only three percent of graduates were able to articulate their goals clearly. Ten years later, the success of the participants in the experiment from among these three percent was ten times higher than the rest of the group. Impressive, right?
Yes, if that were true. But no. No such study exists. This is just a popular myth.
Although this story is a hoax, doubting the importance of setting ambitious goals is the same as doubting the very foundations of a business. One can argue about what goals to set or how to set them, but who will undertake to argue that this is not worth doing at all?
Peter Bregman
Four Seconds
All the Time You Need to Stop Counter-Productive Habits and Get the Results You Want
Published with permission from Levine Greenberg Rostan Literary Agency and Synopsis Literary Agency
Legal support for the publishing house is provided by Vegas Lex law firm.
© Peter Bregman, 2015
© Translation into Russian, design. LLC "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber", 2015
* * *
This book is well complemented by:
Mark Williams, Danny Penman
M. J. Ryan
Dedicated to my parents.
Thank you for your love, faith and support.
I love you.
Introduction
I was walking down 48th Street in Midtown when I was passed by a well-dressed man in an expensive suit, polished shoes, a flawless haircut, and a leather briefcase. Then I saw him turn his head and spit out the chewing gum.
I followed the trajectory of the gum so as not to step on it. The lump flew about a meter away from me, hit a tree and bounced back onto the sidewalk, landing exactly where the man stepped next second. He continued on his way, not even noticing that his own bright blue chewing gum stuck to his own sole.
I laughed.
And then I thought. How often do we all do something like this? How often do we do something, thinking we are acting in our own interests, but end up with chewing gum stuck to the sole? How often does our behavior backfire?
Sometimes possible Negative consequences our actions lie on the surface - and then they are easy to avoid. I recently heard a story about a man who held a high position in a Wall Street bank. Like the bank, he handled large amounts of borrowed money - and bought an apartment that he could not afford. Upon learning that he would not receive the bonus in the amount expected, he began to shout, curse and curse his boss in front of his colleagues. Now he has no bonuses - as well as work.
Other times, our self-harm takes a less drastic form, like when I was late for dinner with my wife, Eleanor. We agreed to meet in a cafe at seven in the evening, and the clock showed already half past eight. I felt guilty, but I couldn't get out of a long meeting with a client. Arriving at the place, I apologized and said that it did not happen on purpose.
"You are always late not on purpose' Eleanor replied.
In a word, she was furious.
"I'm sorry, dear," I said, "but nothing depended on me."
I explained why I was late, described everything in detail - perhaps slightly exaggerating to convey the importance and inevitability of the meeting.
But instead of comforting my wife, I only made the situation worse. Now she was evil And annoyed.
Which, in turn, caused my righteous anger. "Listen," I said, "actually, I work like hell."
As we exchanged remarks, the situation got worse. But we wanted the same thing - to have a good time at dinner. But reflex reactions opened a chasm between us, and as a result we got angry and moved away from each other - contrary to our plans.
The culprit of what happened is the unproductive reactions that we resorted to on the machine.
Detailed explanations became my automatic reaction to my own lateness. Eleanor automatically responded to this impatiently. My automatic response to her impatience was anger. In the course of the argument, we both unconsciously obeyed the instinctive script, no matter how ineffective it was.
Of course, I do did not intend quarrel with Eleanor. On the contrary, I began to explain the reason for being late so as not to start a fight. But in the end, my intentions by themselves meant little. Much more important was how my actions—that is, my excuses—affected Eleanor. As it turned out - so-so. In fact, I spit out the gum and stepped on it myself.
When bad habits are found in good people
The main benefits we desire are fulfilling relationships; achievements to be proud of; visible success at work; the opportunity to be useful to others; harmony with oneself is all that is surprisingly easy to achieve. But in most cases, our most desperate efforts are based on habits that, in simple terms, do not work.
When we are overwhelmed and overwhelmed by a bloated to-do list, we automatically start working even longer and cram even more cases into existing work hours. We multitask, rush from one meeting to the next, sneakily check our email under the table in the meeting room, start early in the morning and finish late at night. Our goal is to reduce stress and workload. But actions at the same time have the exact opposite effect: we experience even more stress and are loaded to the ears.
Or we say things that we think will impress others, but in reality only cause rejection. We try to cheer up a friend, but for some reason we upset him even more. We give an inspirational speech to our team, but somehow we only dampen the enthusiasm.
Every time we do this, we are shocked. "What happened?" we are perplexed. As a result, we spend long days trying to fix what we have broken with our automatic reaction. We spend countless hours and loads of energy contemplating the words we have spoken; discussing your behavior with others; making a plan of further actions - and sometimes we get to the toilet in a roundabout way, just so as not to run into someone who was reluctantly offended in the waiting room.
Four Seconds to a Good Habit
But there is good news: it is not so difficult to solve the problem. Basically, all you need is four seconds. Four seconds is enough time to inhale and exhale. This short pause is enough to see your mistake and make small adjustments.
And I really mean just small corrections. The alternative reactions that I will offer in the following pages are delightfully simple. They will give you what you want without forcing you to waste time. They are ways of thinking, speaking, and acting - that is, ways of living - that are much simpler than the old ones and much more effective. They require less time and energy. They help you achieve super-productivity – without super-effort.
In the book "18 minutes. How to increase concentration, stop distractions and do things that really matter” I talked about how to focus and build every day of your life around what is truly valuable. I urged you to think strategically and be purposeful in What You doing.
In this book, I will show you how to think strategically and be goal-oriented - by accelerating the speed of light - in How you do what you do. 18 Minutes helped you focus on the right things. Four seconds will help you get the most out of this focus.
By the way, it is not enough to succeed in managing your time - it is important to succeed in spending it wisely. That, How you act during this time, determines your success: how you think, how you build relationships with others, how you speak and behave at work and in the circle of loved ones. Your goal is not to survive by being constantly busy, but to thrive in the endeavors and relationships that matter most to you.
You will learn to replace unproductive automatic responses that suck up your time and energy with new habits that save time, give you energy, and make you productive. You will discover new ways to live, work and communicate in this crazy world, getting the desired results and peace of mind.
The birth of a new habit
The time I was late, what could I have done differently to enjoy precious time with Eleanor instead of getting into a fight? I could give myself four seconds—long enough to take a deep breath, to pause, to reset my perception—and then suppress the urge to explain and instead acknowledge how my wife felt as she waited for me:
“Sorry for being late. You've been sitting here for half an hour, and it's terrible. I know it's not the first time. I know it looks like I think meeting a client gives me the right to be late. This is disrespectful to your time. I'm sorry you had to wait so long."
Easier said than done. My intuitive, instinctive, automatic reaction is to justify my lateness, not my wife's feelings. It helps to me feel better: like, I'm not such an asshole, since I have a good reason. But an intuitive reaction is counterproductive. Although she makes me feel better, Eleanor, who was waiting for me, feels even worse. It turns out that the reason for my being late, whatever it may be, is more important than my wife. And now our evening is ruined - although we did not even understand how this happened.
On the other hand, refusing explanations and acknowledging how my lateness affected Eleanor—that is, non-intuitive behavior—makes my wife feel better. This is because she feels my attention. So I admit that there can be no good reason for my being late. And now our evening is saved.
Thus a new habit was born. Now that I'm late, my new automatic reaction is still to apologize, but I no longer give reasons—or make excuses. I admit what it was like for someone who was waiting for me.
The new habit has an added bonus: I am much less likely to be late. After voicing how my lateness affected Eleanor, I wanted to change. I don't want to disrespect her time or anyone else's time. And I don't want to upset my wife or anyone else. When I acknowledged aloud what my lateness was worth her I was able to look at myself differently. In other words, my new automatic reaction to my own lateness improved not only my relationship with Eleanor, but my behavior as well.
Such is the power of a productive habit.
But changing habits is not easy. After all, automatic reactions are intuitive. Behavior that seems natural is hard to break. Even if such habits serve a disservice, we resort to them without thinking. This is what we do in the heat of the moment. By itself, knowing about a new effective automatic response is half the battle. The other half is to resort to it under stress. I wrote Four Seconds to help you master both.
In the first part, “Change Your Automatic Settings,” you will learn how to gain control over your behavior in the short and long term and how to manage your impulsive reactions and impulses. This will help you move closer to your goals, find peace and harmony, and become happier.
The second part, “Strengthen Relationships,” will help you better deal with difficult emotions, both for yourself and those around you. You will learn to respond productively to difficult conversations and situations and build strong bonds with those around you.
Through the third part, Optimize Your Work Habits, you will learn to work and manage with courage, naturalness, and efficiency to inspire, inspire commitment, and a sense of responsibility in those who work with you. You will end any situations that cause alienation between colleagues or provoke disagreement. Self-motivation, positive thinking and mutual support will appear in your company.
I hope Four Seconds will get you out of self-destructive habits. Most likely, unproductive impulses will not disappear without a trace, but I believe that the tips that you will find in the following pages will help you gain power over them and establish new habits that will support your true interests and allow you to achieve what you want. The amount of time you'll save by making better choices and the positive impact you'll have on your life, relationships, and work is unmeasurable.
I can only assume that the man never noticed the gum sticking to his sole. Perhaps he still leaves a bright blue trail behind him. But you don't have to do the same.
Part one
Change automatic settings
It was not easy to sit down at the desk. The obstacles were by no means physical - I was definitely able sit down and start writing. Obstacles, as in most cases, when something prevents us from achieving the most important goals, sat in my brain.
I was busy, up to my neck in pressing matters, so the thought of writing seemed almost insane. Writing in more favorable conditions is tempting to take a break, and this morning I was on edge and worried about a problem with a client - both of which are not at all like the calm, measured environment that is necessary for writing.
But against all odds, I finally got down to business.
As soon as I wrote the first sentence, the door flew open and my daughter Sophia, who was then seven years old, flew into the room.
"The kitchen is flooded! she blurted out. - For help!"
What? As it turned out, five-year-old Daniel poured water into a glass and did not bother to turn off the tap. Wow.
I automatically felt like yelling at both of them. I literally felt my muscles tense, causing a wave of anger throughout my body. At that moment, such a reaction seemed appropriate and justified.
But I paused, taking a deep breath. Four seconds.
This breath proved to be the most serious effort I had to make that day. Of course, breathing in and of itself is not difficult. But stopping for a few seconds to take a breath in the midst of raging emotions - when you are annoyed, angry, tired and worried ... The task is not easy.
Those four seconds—and the composure it takes—are the first step in overthrowing unproductive automatic responses. The first step is to make the smartest choice at the right time.
In the first part of the book, you will learn to slow down—to see the gap between feeling and action—and to make wise decisions that will lead to the desired result. The second part is about how to create this gap, fix it and observe what happens in it. But more importantly, this book will help you kick the bad mental habits that are holding you back and replace them with new, productive ones.
You will discover:
How to overcome an impulse by paying attention to it;
Why goal setting gets in the way of success;
How not to go in cycles in order to regain concentration and willpower;
How doing nothing can solve the most difficult problems and
Why b O Most of our stress is caused by events that have minimal consequences; and how changing your expectations—rather than reality—can be the key to success.
I hope that my advice will help you cope with impulses and impulses and develop mental habits that will make your life more productive, calm and harmonious.
1
four seconds
Pause. Inhale. Change of course
That morning, as I always do in the morning, I sat on a pillow on the floor, crossed my legs, put my hands on my knees, closed my eyes and breathed for twenty minutes - and nothing more.
They say the hardest thing about meditation is finding time for it. And this makes sense. Who has time these days to do nothing? It is difficult to find an excuse for such an occupation.
Meditation has many benefits: it refreshes, helps us make sense of what is happening to us, makes us wiser and calmer, helps us not to go crazy in a world that stuffs us with information and connections, and more. If you lack the business case to dedicate time to meditation, how about this: Meditation makes you more productive.
How? Strengthening your ability to resist distracting impulses.
Research shows that resisting impulses improves relationships, builds trustworthiness, and increases productivity. If you are able to resist impulses, then you can make better, more deliberate decisions, be more aware of what you say and how, and be able to imagine the consequences of your actions before you take them.
The ability to resist impulse determines how easy it will be for you to learn to behave differently or change an old habit. This is perhaps the single most important skill for growth and development.
As it turned out, this is one of the abilities that can be acquired through meditation. But it's not easy to learn.
When I took the meditation posture that morning, my worries vanished. My mind was free of everything that had occupied it before the start of meditation. I didn't notice anything but my breathing. Lightness appeared in my body, I felt peace.
For about four seconds.
The time it takes to inhale and exhale. The next breath was enough to make my head cloud again. I felt itchy on my face and wanted to scratch it. A perfect title for the next book came into my mind, and I felt compelled to write it down before I forgot it. I thought of at least four phone calls to be made and one difficult conversation to take place a little later. I got worried because I realized that I only have a few hours to devote to the book. So why am I sitting here? I wanted to open my eyes and look at the timer to see how much longer I had to sit. I heard children arguing in the next room and wanted to intervene.
But here's the important thing: I wanted to do all of the above, but I didn't. Whenever one of these thoughts came to me, I shifted my focus back to the breath.
Four seconds is enough to lose focus, but it's also enough to focus again. Four seconds of inhalation and exhalation is all it takes to refrain from an unproductive automatic reaction. Four seconds is all it takes to make more informed strategic choices that are more likely to get you closer to what you want.
Sometimes the problem is not doing what you need to do. For example, when you avoid an unpleasant conversation. But sometimes the problem is that you do what to do not worth it: talk instead of listen, play politics instead of staying above it.
Meditation teaches you to resist the urge to act unproductively.
Later I will talk about how it is easier and more reliable to create an environment that will help you achieve your goals than to rely on willpower. However, at times it pays to rely on good old self-control.
For example, it is useful when an employee makes a mistake and you are ready to yell at him, even though you know that it is much better - for him and for maintaining the morale of the whole team - to ask a few leading questions and talk like reasonable polite people. Or when you want to blurt out something in a business meeting, but you realize it's better to listen to others. Or when you want to buy or sell stocks based on your emotions, despite the fact that analytical indicators and your own research indicate that such a decision is unwise. Or when you feel like checking your email every three minutes instead of focusing on the task at hand.
Every time you meditate, you will find that impulse is just one of the options. You have everything under control.
Does this mean that from now on you will never give in to impulse? Of course not. The pulses carry useful information. If you feel hungry, this may be a sure sign that it's time for you to eat, but it can also indicate that you are bored or stuck at a difficult stage of work. Meditation teaches you to control impulses so that you can consciously choose which ones to give in to and which ones not to.
How should you meditate? If you are just starting out, the simpler the better.
Sit - on a chair or on the floor on a pillow - and straighten your back so that you breathe easily, set a timer for the time you want to devote to meditation. After starting the timer, close your eyes, relax, and don't move—just breathe—until the beep sounds. Focus on inhaling and exhaling. Every time a thought or impulse comes up, give it a little attention and again focus on the breath.
That's all. Simple, but difficult. Try it – today – for five minutes. And repeat tomorrow.
Don't have five minutes? Then let there be four seconds.
A four-second pause—just enough time to breathe in and out—may be enough to let go of a bad decision and replace it with a better one.
Bregman P. 18 minutes. How to increase concentration, stop distractions and do really important things. – M.: Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2014. Note. transl. The study is based on the famous 1960 experiment using marshmallows by Stanford University psychology professor Walter Michel with four-year-old children: www.ocf.berkeley.edu/~rascl/assets/pdfs/Berman et al., Nature Communications 2013.pdf . See also I. M. Eigsti, et al., “Predicting cognitive control from preschool to late adolescence and young adulthood,” Psychological Science 17 (2006): 478–84; W. Mischel, et al., “‘Willpower’ over the life span: decomposing self-regulation.” Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience 6 (2011): 252–56; W. Mischel, Y. Shoda, and M. L. Rodriguez, “Delay of gratification in children,” Science 244 (1989): 933–38; and Y. Shoda, W. Mischel, and P. K. Peake, “Predicting adolescent cognitive and self-regulatory competences from preschool delay of gratification – identifying diagnostic conditions,” developmental psychology 26 (1990): 978–86.
When we are overwhelmed and overwhelmed by a bloated to-do list, we automatically start working even longer and cram even more cases into existing work hours. We multitask, rush from one meeting to the next, sneakily check our email under the table in the meeting room, start early in the morning and finish late at night. Our goal is to reduce stress and workload. But actions at the same time have the exact opposite effect: we experience even more stress and are loaded to the ears.
Or we say things that we think will impress others, but in reality only cause rejection. We try to cheer up a friend, but for some reason we upset him even more. We give an inspirational speech to our team, but somehow we only extinguish
enthusiasm. Every time we do this, we are shocked. "What happened?" - we are perplexed. As a result, we spend long days trying to fix what we have broken with our automatic reaction. We spend countless hours and loads of energy contemplating the words we have spoken; discussing with others
behavior; making a plan for further actions - and sometimes we get to the toilet in a roundabout way, just not to run into someone who was reluctantly offended in the waiting room.
Press pause
Living and working dynamically, obsessed with productivity, we lose our garden - literally and figuratively. And we need to get it back. I recently had lunch with Rajeep, the CTO of a major investment bank. When, after spending an hour together, we returned to his office, he received
138 emails. We talked, and the sound of new messages was heard again and again. “How can I do everything?” he asked me. He could not.
Rajip's department has almost 10,000 employees. "I don't have time to think," he complained.
I don't have time to think. Perhaps the six most terrible words spoken by the leader. They no longer frighten us, because they are familiar to many. We don't need 10,000 subordinates to feel like we don't have time to think. This is how almost every one of us feels.
And it's not that we're unproductive. We are incredibly productive. We make deliveries. We make decisions. We form and distribute budgets. We manage our teams. We make applications. In a sense, productivity is where the problem lies. In conditions of manic productivity, we miss the most important thing: the ability to
take lessons. In busy everyday life, we rarely deeply analyze our experience, carefully listen to the opinions of others, evaluate how the results of our decisions will affect the future. All this takes time. We need to slow down. But who among us can afford it? Therefore, we think little and limit our personal growth.
My solution to Rajip's problem? Remember where he thinks best, and make it a habit to visit this place every day. I myself began to practice various variations of "garden walks" daily. One of them is outdoor exercise. If I go out on a bike ride, go for a run, or go out for a walk, I almost inevitably invent something and look at things differently when I return. This is my favorite and most reliable garden in which creative ideas grow. Another way is writing. As I write, ideas develop and these sessions subtly broaden my worldview. There is no need to show someone what you write - the principle of a personal diary works perfectly here. And you do not need to devote more than a few minutes to this lesson.
meditate
Meditation has many benefits: it renews, helps us make sense of what is happening to us, makes us wiser and calmer, helps us not to go crazy in a world that stuffs us with information and connections, and not only. if you
lacks the economic rationale to dedicate time to meditation, how about this: meditation makes you more productive. How? Strengthening your ability to resist distracting impulses. Research shows that resisting impulses improves relationships, strengthens trustworthiness, and increases productivity.
How should you meditate? If you are just starting out, the simpler the better. Sit - on a chair or on the floor on a pillow - and straighten your back so that you breathe easily, set a timer for the time you want to devote to meditation. After starting the timer, close your eyes, relax and don't move - just breathe - until the alarm sounds. Focus on inhaling and exhaling. Every time a thought or impulse comes up, give it a little attention and again focus on the breath. That's all. Simple, but difficult. Try it - today - for five minutes. And repeat tomorrow.
Do, don't plan
A few days ago, I received an email from my friend Byron: “Peter, I haven't been exercising very hard for the last five years, and now I want to go to the gym again. I realized that among the three components - mind, body and spirit - the body remains my weak link. We need to fix this. But I find it VERY hard to motivate myself. Any ideas?" No, Byron's problem is not motivation. But to start taking action. Any attempt at self-motivation will only increase stress and guilt, widening the gap between motivation and action - between strong desire go in for sports and the first step towards the fulfillment of this desire.
Perhaps everyone is familiar with the situation when the mind sabotages intentions. We decide to go to the gym after work, but when the time comes, we think: “It's getting late. I'm tired. I'll probably skip it today." We decide to meditate, but we look at the clock and conclude that "there is no time for this." The secret is simple: if you want to do something, stop thinking. Stop the internal dialogue before it starts. Don't let yourself get hooked. Stop arguing with yourself. Make a specific decision about an important matter and don't question it.
Concentrate
The goal determines the return you want to receive. The zone of concentration determines the activities that are worth devoting time to. The goal is the result. The zone of concentration is the path. The goal points to the future you intend to achieve. The zone of concentration connects you to the present. In the area of sales, for example, the desired income or a certain number of new customers is formulated as a goal. In production - the amount of cost reduction. In the meantime, the concentration zone in sales may include active communication with potential customers, and in production, areas worth investigating to reduce costs.
Of course, these two approaches are not mutually exclusive. You can have both a target and a zone of concentration. Moreover, someone will even undertake to insist that both are necessary, since the goal indicates where you are going, and the concentration zone indicates how you plan to get there.
Don't place the blame on others
We start blaming others as children, usually to avoid parental anger and punishment, but also to maintain our self-respect and secure our self. Later, this behavior becomes a habit and passes into adulthood. I - and you, I'm sure, too - constantly meet people who point the finger at others.
In companies, this sometimes happens at the departmental level: if the sales team fails, they blame the product, and the product creators blame the underperforming sales team or nod at the inadequacies of the production. Blaming an entire division or product is safer than blaming an individual: it doesn't need to get personal and feels less defensive. However, such behavior is unproductive, since the accuser's involvement is visible to the naked eye.
If you are not to blame for what happened, then you do not need to change anything. However, if something happens through your fault, and you do not admit it, then in the future you will certainly make the same mistake that will bring new accusations to light. This vicious circle, walking on which never led anyone to anything good.
say thank you
John, the CEO of a small trading company, e-mailed Tim, a few steps down, to praise him for his performance at a recent business meeting. Tim did not reply to the letter. About a week later, he was in John's office as a candidate for a vacancy - this was an opportunity to grow to the level of an executive. John asked if Tim got his letter, and Tim said he did. Why didn't he answer? Tim said he didn't think it was necessary. But he was wrong. John deserved to get at least a "thank you" in return. Tim was not given a promotion. Was he rejected solely because he did not thank John for the positive feedback? No. Was his neglect of gratitude one of the reasons John decided to look for a better candidate? Undoubtedly.
You might argue that we are all too busy at work and in life to waste time exchanging pleasantries. If John is so sentimental, he can't be a CEO at all. It has lagged behind the electronic age, in which unanswered email is the norm. If Tim is good at his job, that's good enough. People are paid to do their jobs - they don't have to give out "thank you". Thanking your CEO for a nice letter is nothing short of toadying. I am ready to argue with all these statements. It doesn't take long to say "thank you" but it is an expression of concern. John is a brilliant CEO who is loved by his subordinates, the management staff and the shareholders of the company. It provides its employees with the conditions for rapid career growth and outstanding work results. Leaving someone's request unanswered - SMS, email or phone call - is not the accepted norm, it is a gap in the dialogue that many often complain about. Tim may be good at certain areas of his job, but you can't say he's "doing a good job" if he doesn't give credit to the people around him. And finally, "thank you" is not a toady, but a manifestation of politeness.
The book was provided by the Mann, Ivanov and Ferber publishing house.
