Question to a psychologist
Hello, please tell me if I did the right thing and how to proceed? My child is in 4th grade. There was an incident in math class today. Teacher i.e. class teacher explained new topic, wrote on the blackboard, and passing by my son's notebook, I saw that he did not correctly copy from the blackboard, told him that he was the dumbest child in the class, because he copied everything from the blackboard incorrectly. the child has poor eyesight, we wear lenses, and even once they said that the blackboard in the classroom was very bad. Maybe he didn't see something? As a result, the child restrained himself in class, and came home and sobbed so much. I cried myself and could not move all day. I called the principal of the school, gave the name of the teacher and said that she was behaving inappropriately with her students. But she didn’t introduce herself who we are, she asked me to introduce myself, but I basically didn’t do this. Please let me know if I did the right thing and what to do next.
I will thank you in advance.
Thanks a lot.
You need, first of all, to learn how to calmly respond to such situations. And then teach the child to do the same.
Goloshchapov Andrey Viktorovich, psychologist Saratov
Good answer 3 bad answer 1Elena, hello,
I saw your question only today, because. I'm new to the site.
While reading your letter, I remembered a situation that happened to me in childhood. We had a teacher who was very unrestrained and her mood often changed. Most often she was quite angry and yelled at us mercilessly. Once she called me an idiot, although I studied well in her subject. To be honest, I don’t remember whether I was offended or not, but at home I apparently told about this case. My father, I think, was just furious. He did not say anything to me, but went to school the next day, scolded this teacher and demanded that she apologize to me in class. She didn't allow herself to do that anymore. Since then, I always remember my father as my protector.
You cried from resentment, well, still! And so the child has trouble with his eyesight, they also called him names for no reason at all!
You wanted to do something about this topic. What do you think the consequences of your call will be? An anonymous complaint was received. Even if the director is worried and goes to class, she will not behave like that in his presence. He can have a conversation with her, but he doesn't really have the facts. It's hard to imagine what he can show her.
You wanted to punish the teacher, judging by what you did.
Maybe the teacher guessed who might be calling. But since the call was anonymous, she might have gotten the impression that the parent was actually afraid of confronting her.
Whether the child was protected at the same time is unknown.
This is my view of this situation. I do not claim to be the ultimate truth.
All the best.
Vasilevskaya Lyudmila Sergeevna, psychologist.
Question to the psychologist:
I have a conflict with class teacher my son. She often complains about his behavior. The last time she resented the fact that he raps in front of high school students and, in her opinion, makes himself a laughingstock. I talked to my son, took her side. But the conflict itself flared up on the basis of the fact that the document that is issued at school to all students without exception and the deadline for this until January 1 was not given to my son. I asked her several times and asked for help. And when once again my son was refused, I called her and asked her to explain. In a conversation, she said that the children do not obey her because they do not respect her. She again began to talk to me about the behavior of my son, some frank nonsense. I told her so, what kind of nonsense are you talking about, to which she answered me that she was not stupid and hung up. The next day, I went to the director about issuing a document, and my son just had Classroom hour. The teacher saw me and said I will not talk to you. I answered her that I didn’t actually intend to and came to the director. But he was not there, and with the help of her students, she called me to class. And then the students from her class attacked me. She arranged a public execution for me and my son, that is, all the students began to resent me, saying that my son behaves badly (although they themselves are far from ideal), one girl just behaved outrageously, and the teacher didn’t did not say a word. In response to this, I said that I would defend the rights of my son. My son doesn't want to go to another class. I no longer want to have contact with the class teacher and told her about it, and also that my son will not go to class hours, and I will no longer go to class meetings. I do not know if I have the right to do this, but the teacher, in my opinion, cannot find a common language with the students, and in particular with my son. For two days in a row I cannot recover from this situation and am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I'm thinking about whether I should write an application for the class teacher.
The psychologist Shikolaeva Svetlana Sergeevna answers the question.
Hello Svetlana!
In any conflict, both sides are to blame. They are to blame for allowing the situation to come to a conflict. Your desire to protect your son and be on his side is understandable, this is the right parental position, but at the same time you should always try to objectively evaluate his actions and not allow any obviously wrong behavior with your attitude. You should not be indignant in front of your son class teacher, the more so to say that she is stupid. Because such an attitude towards the teacher, which the child adopts and assimilates, affects his attitude towards school and learning in general. This can reduce the motivation to study, devalue learning. But if you teach a child from childhood to respect others (primarily your personal example), then you will greatly simplify his further adaptation in society, it will be easy and joyful for him to communicate with people, he will be better accepted and loved. We all want this for our children.
When a child complains about a teacher, no matter what the child says, It is always better to refrain from jumping to conclusions and say: “I understand, please calm down, I will definitely figure it out, I will go and talk to the teacher, and then we will discuss how to be.” And go and talk as soon as possible.
Of course, any conversation with a teacher should begin in a calm and respectful tone. If you are sure that the teacher is wrong somewhere, then try to convey this to him favorably (as far as possible). Even the most “harsh” teachers are able to listen to parents and change their behavior and attitude if they feel that the parent, firstly, is “in the know”, and secondly, that he didn’t come to download the right thing, but constructively wants to solve the problem.
You, unfortunately, launched the conflict so much that you got into a very unpleasant situation of outright hostility. Anyone who seeks to resolve the conflict by force (raised voices, disrespectful statements, complaints in the authorities), he will inflict so much damage on himself that no “victory” can compensate. And what is this victory?
But for you, Svetlana, it is even more important to remember that not only you yourself, but also your son suffers damage, and it may be much more difficult for him to survive your conflict with the teacher than for you.
Do you know who is the first to emerge victorious from any confrontation, any conflict? The one who takes the first step towards reconciliation, towards understanding and finding a compromise. The fact that your son is suffering should encourage you to take that first step yourself as quickly as possible. Start by reviewing all previous communication with the teacher. No matter what she herself said and did, but you yourself made disrespectful statements addressed to her. You told her that children do not obey and do not respect her (of course, you have the right to such an opinion, but to express it, for that matter, you need not to the teacher in person, but to his supervisor, director, and the task of the director is to deal with this) that she is talking nonsense, etc. Simply put, Svetlana, there is something to be offended by you for ... Next, try to understand the teacher. Think about what could be the reason why she constantly complains about her son's behavior. Maybe she's not just nagging? Well, set yourself up to make an attempt to establish a relationship with her.
Wait until you complain to the director, you always have time to do it. Even if it comes to this, it would be better to do it after you calm down and fully weigh the pros and cons. But most likely, if you talk to the teacher correctly, it won’t come to that, no one will have to complain about anyone.
Although the teacher said that she would no longer communicate with you, you can still call her and ask to listen to you. To say that you are ready to change the tone and once again try to discuss the problems that your son had at school: the document, his behavior and everything else. If you find the strength in yourself for this, and in order to be ready to apologize for some of your overly emotional words and conversations, then no matter how she reacts, this is no longer your responsibility. Your task is to take the first step towards reconciliation and not go deep into enmity again if, for example, the teacher does not change her tone. In any case, you will not have a nervous breakdown after that, and your soul will become calmer. And you set a great example for your son.
When a child does not get along with classmates, rarely gets good grades and does not want to go to school at all - it is not necessarily about him. Perhaps the class teacher did not help him when he needed it. Together with we figure out how to understand that your child did not get the best mentor.
1. He never praises the child. Even in private conversation with you
“I am the worst in the class”, “I can’t do anything”, “I can’t cope”. Even if you fail to dissuade the child from this, most likely, he broadcasts to you the opinion of the class teacher.What this person says sounds like the truth to children (at least in elementary grades).
Therefore, a good teacher always motivates, finds something for which he can be encouraged. An unusual approach to solving a problem, an artistic performance, or a simple willingness to help a classmate. When the teacher does not have this talent, the child risks losing interest in the school as a whole.
How to help. Talk frankly with your child (“Tell me honestly, why do you think you are criticized? Why do you feel that you are not better than others?”). Perhaps he is trying, but the teacher still gives him bad grades on the machine. Or the teacher stubbornly does not see the child's abilities in one area or another. Meet with the class teacher one-on-one: if you hear only complaints and none good word, this is a bad sign.
2. He does not try to intervene in serious conflicts between children.
Two classmates who went everywhere together and sat at the same desk suddenly had a fight and avoided each other for several days. The class teacher does not interfere on the move - and this is normal. A child is not always delighted when an adult (at least a parent, even a teacher) unceremoniously intrudes into his relationships with peers.Here it is better to let the children take an independent step towards each other.
It's a completely different matter - if the quarrel has been going on for a month, both grades have become worse, someone even started to skip classes. And this is the simplest example: we are no longer talking about cases of mass bullying or fights.
In such cases, the class teacher is simply obliged to offer his help. Talk to the children, try to find out what happened, involve school psychologist and parents.
If the class teacher does not notice serious problems in a team (or pretends not to notice) - this is an alarm signal.
How to help. If you are aware of conflict situations in the classroom or your child is directly involved in them, tell the class teacher about it. Perhaps this is an isolated case (let's say the teacher did not notice the problem because of ten stacks of unchecked notebooks). But if the policy of non-intervention is his principle and it is useless to convince him, you should think about transferring the child to another class.
3. He humiliates children. Or allows others to do so
Oh, those stories about how an educator ballpointed the word "fool" on a student's forehead or cleaned toilets for bad behavior. Of course, the class teacher should not allow this to other teachers (and even more so to himself). Otherwise, not only the affected student, but the whole class will be at risk.
Firstly, no parent is immune from the fact that a similar situation will not happen again with his child. Secondly, children will think that it is normal to humiliate someone for not following the rules.
Finally, such behavior can provoke on the part of classmates.
How to help. This gross violation pedagogical ethics is a weighty reason for suspension or dismissal. Therefore, it is possible (and necessary!) to immediately go to the director. But before that, cooperate with other parents - for example, in a general chat. Most likely, there will be those who are also aware of the situation and are ready to go with you. In the principal's office, describe what happened calmly and politely.
4. He quarrels with the other teachers in the class. Or does not communicate with them at all
"Our class ran into a chemist!" - the child joyfully issues, returning from school. When a class teacher protects his students from the arbitrariness of colleagues, this is only a plus: what if the teacher allowed the children to access dangerous reagents without a protective suit?
But if quarrels happen with teachers of physics, biology and physical education (and all of them look askance at the classroom with caution during the break), the point is already in her inability to restrain emotions. The other extreme is isolation, unwillingness to discuss with teachers the successes and failures of their class: they say, this is the business of colleagues, they know better.
Communicating constructively with the teachers who teach your child is one of the main tasks of a good class teacher.
How to help. Be on the lookout, even if the classroom does not have a soul in children, and they - in it. First, educators may not be very nice to the whole class, and not just to its leader (even if unconsciously). Secondly, it is easier to miss the child's difficulties in some subject. Thirdly, arguing in front of children is actually a bad example. Watch how this situation affects your child: it may still be worth choosing a different class or school.
5. He imposes his political or religious beliefs on children.
The class teacher behaves unprofessionally if he arranges a drawing contest on the theme "Putin is the best president", encourages children to go to opposition rallies, or persuades children to fast.IN Russian law"On Education" says: schools should take into account the diversity of worldview approaches.
The teacher as an authority should in no case impose his point of view on politics, religion or philosophy on children. By the way, only parents are responsible for educating a child's worldview, and the school cannot turn a blind eye to this (this is already from the Family Code).
How to help. If indoctrination goes right in the classroom, complain to the administration. Classroom hours are considered (paradoxically) extracurricular activities, so the child has the right not to come to them if the topic is alarming. Discuss this with the class teacher: if he still insists on the presence of the child, refer to the law.
6. He doesn't take the kids on field trips.
To better understand Yesenin's poems, children should go to the poet's homeland in the Ryazan region. And to see how a cook or a confectioner works, visit a bakery or a confectionery factory.When the class teacher happily arranges such outings (and even listens to the wishes of the children themselves), this is excellent. But if he has no time, parents have to plan everything themselves: collect money for the trip, coordinate dates, select transport, and so on.
Article 43 Constitution of the Russian Federation. Everyone has the right to education. The state guarantees public and free preschool, basic general and secondary vocational education in state or municipal educational institutions and enterprises.
Let's consider the main points.
Requisitions at school. According to Article 43, education is free. That is, on a legal basis, you can refuse to give your hard-earned money on the orders of a teacher or director. However, if this is not an order or extortion, but a request, then you must decide for yourself: to help financially or not.
Prosecution for non-delivery of money. Again, we poke our noses and show the teacher, the director, to this very article. You can threaten with reprisals in court and a complaint to the RONO. It is desirable to have dictaphone or video recordings of the persecution of your child.
Health protection. Usually, to remove a student from physics lessons, a certificate from the VKK or a note from the parents is enough. If the teacher does not accept the certificate, you can write a complaint addressed to the director with a request for a disciplinary investigation of this fact.
Forced labor. Article 50 Law "On Education". Attracting students, pupils of civil educational institutions without the consent of students, pupils and their parents (legal representatives) to work not intended educational program, is prohibited.
What does it mean. This means that without the consent of the parents (oral or written), the school cannot order students to go to the parks on subbotniks or whitewash the corridors at the school. However, the school may ask the students to help her with the repairs and it is up to the students to agree or not. There is another nuance. The child agrees to help - the parents do not. Then it would be nice to call the class teacher and express your position.
Legal liability. You cannot apply legal liability to an entire class. It is possible only for each separately. Therefore, if the teacher starts collecting money for a damaged item from the whole class, and not from the culprit, the parents of the other children have the right not only not to pay, but also to file an application against the teacher to compensate for moral damage to the child.
Opposition to the humiliation and oppression of the child by the teacher.
Article 50 paragraph 4. The right of students to respect their human dignity. Discussions in front of the whole class and denunciation of beliefs or appearance your child is unacceptable. If this happens, first find out the reason at home. Perhaps your child himself went too far with his behavior. And then call the teacher and first ask him to no longer conduct a "debriefing" in front of the whole class. If the teacher did not heed the request, contact the director.
P.S. If you are humiliated, they demand money, they demand inflated amounts for the purchase of this or that material - do not be silent! Do not be afraid that your child may be expelled from school. This is a long and dreary job with a bunch of papers.
P.P.S. In addition to rights, students also have responsibilities. Be sure to study them yourself and explain to the children that anything can be demanded. But you also need to do a lot.
