Hello. It all started about 3 months ago, when I moved to a new school and the fact is that I became attached to one teacher. I have very strong feelings for her, I fell in love with her more than my mother.
I have my own mother, but warm relations not with her. From 2 to 15 years old, I grew up with my father, at that time we had three children in the family, me and 2 older sisters who lived with my mother in another city. At that time, I somehow didn’t care about it, I took it for granted, my dad and grandmother gave me enough love and attention. When I was 10-11 years old, my mother found herself a new husband and a brother and sister were born from him (now they are 3 and 4 years old), now we have five children in the family (I am now 15, older sisters are 18 and 20). Due to the circumstances, I had to move a few months ago to live with them, with my mother, stepfather, sisters. After living with them for 3 months, I realized that we would not have a warm relationship with my mother. I don’t feel warm feelings for her, it’s unpleasant for me when she touches / hugs me, I have no desire to communicate with her, talk heart to heart, etc. There are some resentments against her in my soul now, resentment for the fact that she once gave birth to me and soon abandoned me, then dad was simply forced to take us away from her, because her mother drank heavily.
And now it is unpleasant for her when I remind her of this, she tries to justify herself and shift the blame on her father. Another insult for the fact that she found herself another man and gave birth to two from him. Of course, I understand that she has the right to family happiness (although I would not say that she is happy now), but I cannot and do not want to accept the current situation. I just wanted a normal family, but that's not all. From the appearance of a stepfather and half-brother and sister, I am also, to put it mildly, not thrilled.
With older sisters, too, there is no warm relationship. We do not swear, the relationship is normal, but nothing more.
As for my mother, I just now realized how I always missed her love, care, attention. But at the same time, I moved away from her and do not want to get closer, to accept the attention that she sometimes gives me.
Now my mother began to drink again sometimes, a little bit true. She is trying to deal with her problems in this way. I'm afraid that this may worsen and she will again begin to go into drinking binges.
I'll go back to that teacher. In general, this is the first time I encounter this - love for a teacher ... And unfortunately, it only brings me pain and suffering. This woman is 30 years old, she has a husband and a 7 year old daughter. She (the teacher) is very pretty, she has big beautiful eyes, in which I literally drown. I like her voice, habits, appearance. In terms of studies, she is quite strict, demanding, but outside the lessons she is completely different, i.e. versatile person. In my subconscious, I perceive her as a person who could give me love, affection, care, upbringing, security. Although she treats me like all the other students, for some reason I found a mother in her and would really like her to be her. But, unfortunately, the reality is different and I can't put up with it, accept it all. Every day I think about this teacher, I very often want to hug her, just hug her and stand like that for at least a minute. I want to give her something, to make her smile, her smile is beautiful.
But what hurts the most is that I really want to tell her about my feelings, I want to be with her all the time, but I know that nothing will work out. I am a quiet person, very shy, reserved, I have big communication problems, so I simply don’t have the courage to tell everything, and I don’t think she needs it.
The lessons of this teacher are something sacred in this world, and if, God forbid, they are canceled, I literally burst into tears and I run to the toilet, and hysteria begins there.
Often you want to hug your teacher with tears, snuggle up to her and tell everything. But I can not.
Now I'm in the 9th grade, exams are in 3 months, and then we may never meet again. If I am accepted into the 10th grade, then in any case, summer is ahead, 3 months of separation, and I will hang myself on a neighbor's plum from grief ..
I don’t know what to do, I have no desire to improve relations with my mother, in a sense, I closed myself off from her, fenced myself off. But I want to make friends with that teacher, but I can’t, it’s very difficult for me to communicate with people, I’m very downtrodden and taciturn. Besides, she probably doesn't need it herself. But even without her I suffer .. I fall asleep and wake up with thoughts about her, I dream at night, feelings only intensify and I cry more and more often.
Psychologist Diana
Hello Anya!
You have a sad story, since you were two years old you have been without a mother, very important years life, when a lot of things are formed in a child, are colored by a sense of loss, although you don’t remember it.
Your resentment towards your mother is very understandable, but the fact that you do not want to get close to her is such a “shifter”: you reject her, as she once “rejected” you ...
It is hard to live in such an environment, of course, you become isolated, become taciturn and stiff.
Those warm feelings for the teacher are a breath of revived experiences, like a mother who wants to hug, be closer ...
This is very understandable, teachers can often become “ideal” people in their hearts, to whom they are very drawn.
Anya, I carefully read your letter several times ...
You understand so much about yourself, you analyze the situation so correctly, you are able to express your feelings so adequately.
This is very important - when feelings are formulated, they become more “digestible”, or something, it’s clearer what their presence says ...
The fact that you have them intensify when the teacher is not around is also very understandable.
I just thought, when you began to live without a mother at the age of two, how difficult it was for such to a small child wake up and suddenly find that she is not there ... This is a great grief.
You really need a loved one, separation from the teacher, whom you think about “in advance” (that it will be summer, and you will not be able to see her), also indicates that now, even when summer has not yet arrived, it is difficult for you to survive it inaccessibility. The situation is also understandable, and the inaccessibility of your mother at one time, and the inaccessibility of the teacher ...
Anya, it's very good that by writing here you were able to express your feelings, if not to the teacher herself, but still to a living person, and they are very clear to me.
I also want to respond to your words, that you want to tell the teacher about your feelings, but you are afraid that she does not need it ...
I understand it that you are afraid that she will reject you (that she does not need you, she, like your mother, has someone else (husband, children).
Certainly. if you tell her everything that you are filled with in full, and also with the fear that she will push you away, then it is understandable that you are worried.
And you have to live with yourself somehow.
You both want intimacy and are afraid of it, you have already been betrayed once (and maybe more than once).
Anya, I think that your desire to please the teacher, to see how she smiles at you, is very important for you ..
And it's understandable that you want to hug her.
Of course, if you jump on her, and suddenly start to say something, it can confuse her.
Some things happen gradually, and doing something small nice to another person (anyone) is some way to meet.
Anya, I really want everything to be fine with you, of course, it will not work to be with the teacher all the time, it hurts you, you really need a loved one ...
Over time, the number of people around you will increase, and even your "taciturnity" may change.
You know how to deal with your experiences, understanding and comprehending your life, this is a huge resource.
All the best to you, Anya.
Sorry if the answer is confusing...
For the student, the thought expressed by the beloved teacher is perceived as the truth. It is much easier for a teacher who has been able to establish emotional contact to interest the class, instill love for his subject, and thereby increase academic performance and instill a craving for knowledge in students.
But, if you look at this situation from the other side, close friendly relations between the student and the teacher can cause misunderstanding among the parents of other children, classmates and other teachers. As a rule, such a student is perceived as a “darling”, to which the teacher has a special relationship. So is it worth establishing emotional contact or is it necessary to observe a clear chain of command?
Today, pedagogy has at its disposal a variety of methods for the study of relationships between people. However, no report cards, data on social role student among peers and psychological tests will not give a complete picture of the student and will not replace warm human communication. Intuitive sensitivity, understanding, kindness and openness of the teacher - critical factors to build relationships with students.
Activity
As practice shows, students who feel attachment to their teacher are more active in the classroom, perceive information better, learn new things with enthusiasm and, as a result, show high results. If, despite his experience and professional training, the teacher failed to find an approach to children, then, most likely, academic performance in this subject will be low.
Achievements
For students lower grades the teacher's personality is associated with their first attempts and achievements. The teacher helps the child learn to read, count and write. As a rule, such communication is postponed for a long time in the student's subconscious, and if such a relationship has developed, then the memories of the first teacher will warm the soul until old age. High school students have a different attitude to learning, but they also need an understanding older friend-mentor, which a teacher can become for them.
Problems
If a child starts having problems with learning, then everyone is looking for their own excuses for this. For parents, this is an incompetent teacher who is too strict, for a teacher - a student who does not want to try at all and parents who raise the child incorrectly or do not help him ... But no one pays attention to interpersonal relationships between the teacher and the student, who are more dependent on the teacher.
Sometimes great vocational training a teacher is not enough to achieve success in learning. First of all, good teacher should love his profession and be enthusiastic about it, while he should be concerned not only with the indicators in the report card, but also with the learning process itself, students' interest in the subject, help and encouragement.
The main goal of the teacher is to awaken the desire for knowledge in the child. And this is possible only when establishing emotional contact.
However, it is important to remember that the teacher must stick to his role, not allow familiarity on the part of high school students and treat everyone equally. By making friends with one of the students, the teacher goes beyond acceptable behavior and risks arousing hostility. The attitude towards students should be equally sensitive and attentive.
So, the emotional connection between the student and the teacher is not only acceptable, but also useful, since the learning process becomes more productive. Such relationships should be built on respect, trust and understanding. It should be remembered that friendship or a special relationship with someone separately is unacceptable, it may be to the detriment of the reputation of the teacher, besides, the student may want to use such friendship for personal gain.
Some people become attached to him or her when they study with a spiritual master. But, as His Holiness the Dalai Lama explains, attachment to a spiritual master, to enlightenment, to the practice of meditation, and so on, is not necessarily a bad thing. It has a certain benefit: through attachment, we remain focused on what is very positive. We do not need to fight this attachment with the same zeal that we need to fight the attachment to hunting, that is, negative action, or attachment to ice cream, that is, to something neutral, or attachment to our husband or wife. , which is a special case.
Attachment is a disturbing emotion that exaggerates the positive qualities of an object and does not want to part with it. If we don't want to stop following a spiritual teacher - as long as it's a competent teacher - or if we don't want to give up meditation, practice, and enlightenment and keep striving for all of that, that's very good. But we need to try not to exaggerate. If you want to focus on positive qualities teachers are good, but don't exaggerate. Don't think that a teacher is literally a buddha, can read the minds of all beings, and knows the telephone number of everyone in the universe. This is an exaggeration. Here's what to watch out for.
In the case of a spiritual master, we need to be especially careful, because by focusing on his positive qualities, and especially if we exaggerate them, we can also exaggerate our own shortcomings at the same time. As a result, we begin to depend on the teacher. This is not at all the same as relying on the advice of a teacher and inspiration from him. Addiction – “I can’t live without you and I can’t do anything without you” – needs to be overcome. Real spiritual teacher teaches us to be self-reliant and become a buddha. He doesn't want us to depend on him. Finally, Marpa, after teaching Milarepa, told him, “Now leave. Go to the mountains, to the caves. Now you have to practice by yourself.” Milarepa completely relied on Marpa, he appreciated everything that he received from him, but was not dependent.
If we have a connection with a non-Buddhist teacher, we can also learn a lot from him, provided he is a competent teacher in his field or tradition. We can feel great inspiration and learn a lot. If we treat this teacher with great respect and focus on his positive qualities, it is very helpful. Buddhism says that you need to take everyone as your teacher and learn from everyone.
But again, it's important to watch for the exaggeration of good qualities that comes from attachment, particularly when it seems to us that non-Buddhist teachers can lead us to the Buddhist goal of enlightenment. They are not trying to lead us there, and we do not need to exaggerate, thinking that this will happen. They can teach us what is useful along the way: it is quite possible. If we learn from them, rely on them, and don't want to leave them because it's not a waste of time, then it's fine. The point is not to exaggerate. Even in the case of a Buddhist teacher, eventually we will need to go further and be self-reliant, as in the example of Milarepa and Marpa. Of course, it is perfectly normal and even necessary to return to the teacher when we need additional clarifications, but without dependence: we do not have the need to always be near the teacher, like puppies.
Question to the psychologist:
Hello, my name is Margarita, I am 13 years old. It so happened that I do not live with my parents, my father left me and my mother when I was not even a year old, and when I was 8, my mother went to live in Poland with a new husband, but without me. I have been living with my grandparents for 5 years now. In principle, everything is fine, they don’t beat me, they don’t scold me, but I don’t have enough love, they often get annoyed with me, I notice that I’m a burden. But literally two years ago, one woman appeared in my life, whom I fell in love with more than my mother - this is my teacher at school. And I'm not exaggerating a bit, I don't know why I fell in love with her so much, I'm just drawn to her. This woman is 44 years old, she is married, but she has no children, so I still have hope that she will love me like her own. I love this teacher very much and when I see my mother, I feel disgust for her, comparing her with this teacher. At one time, this teacher also loved me very much, I really felt it, but now she began to avoid me and be indifferent, and it seems to me that I was left alone. This situation really annoys me, I feel very strange, you know, when I see this teacher, my heart starts to beat very quickly, I love her very much, in the sense of a person. I tried to somehow forget her, tried to make my attitude towards her indifferent, but I couldn’t. She is sometimes annoyed when, for example, I often pass by her, when I give her chocolates too often, I do this so that she hugs me, even when she leaves school, I wait for her and go in that direction, by which to her. It's very strange and it worries me. Sometimes I am hurt to tears that it so happened that she is not my mother. But I will never dare to tell her this, because I don’t know at all how she will react. I am very lonely and hurt, everyone left me. Earlier that year, maybe this teacher called me "her little friend" when she saw me, always hugged me, was interested in my life, affectionately called "Rituly", but now everything is different, she can already pass and ignore what that I said hello to her, I am very offended, really.
The psychologist Samylova Snezhana Alexandrovna answers the question.
Dear Margarita. I'm sorry your parents can't raise you on their own. It is very good that grandparents do it for them. And mom, as I understand it, you see sometimes. Try to improve your relationship with your mother, tell her more often how you study, what is happening in your life. Try to thank your grandparents for taking care of you. Write them a letter thanking them for what they do for you. I can understand your feelings for the teacher, in psychology this is called "transfer", in your imagination, you probably imagined how good it would be if the teacher was your mother, but unfortunately, your reality is different. But if you think about how many people surround you and show warm feelings for you, you will understand that this is not so little. Apparently the teacher began to keep a distance with you, because. you are reducing her a lot, so by her behavior she makes you understand that she cannot "replace" your mother. He just doesn't know how to put it into words. Therefore, I would recommend that you yourself change a little tactics of behavior - do not follow the teacher, do not give her too much attention, but be able to thank her for what she has done for you. Try to take a more "adult" position, understand that she has her own adult life and it is very good that she takes part in your destiny. Therefore, try to accept events as they are. Build relationships with loved ones, ask your grandparents what was interesting in their lives, ask your mother how her life is going, find hobbies, hobbies, start doing something that interests you and that you have never done. And the more interesting and harmonious personality you become, the more people will show sincere interest in you. and life will get better. I wish you a harmonious and happy growing up. Now you have a very interesting age period, so think about what exactly you are interested in and what you would like to do when you become an adult and direct your life energy to this.
Question to a psychologist
My name is Sasha. I'm 12 and I'm in 7th grade. Last year I came to Chernihiv and went to a new school. The first impression about all the teachers was mostly positive, it was the one for the sake of relations with which I am now writing this question that I liked right away, but just like everyone else. During the entire academic year, I managed to become attached to her, and over the summer I missed her. In that academic year I was incredibly glad to see her, and everything seemed to be fine, our relationship with her was much better and freer than her relationship with anyone else in the class. We communicated on Vkontakte, and absolutely freely. But then I began to notice that at school she doesn’t notice me at all, she never asks me the first questions on Vkontakte, and generally answers with some kind of tension. At first, I just tried not to notice it, but recently, after her lesson, I felt that she really didn’t need it! It got really hard for me! I even cried because of it. Then I decided and told her that I really want to be friends with her, to be closer. She replied that she was pleased that I consider her a friend, but nothing has changed in our relationship, I already tried to forget her, but nothing worked, I still really need her. What should I do!? What do i do!?
Alexandra, you don't "don't need her," that's not the point. She just realized that she had crossed the line of a professional relationship and is now clumsily trying to distance you, but so that you don’t feel anything. She, apparently, is young, and therefore does not know how to get out of such situations correctly. Firstly, she became close to the student, which she should not have done, because you are connected by a professional relationship, and it is wrong to single out one of the students. Secondly, if she got close, she had to competently build your relationship, making it clear where friendship ends and the student-teacher relationship begins. Thirdly, instead of explaining this whole situation to you, she pretended that everything seemed to be the same, but at the same time she began to move away. Thus, you have created the feeling that you suddenly became unnecessary and at the same time you don’t understand why. But she simply failed to build relationships correctly and childishly decided to get out of the situation - "I'm not me, and in general I have nothing to do with it." Calm down, contact a school psychologist, you are just scared and lonely, which is why you were drawn so strongly to the teacher. Talk to someone about it. Maybe we should talk to her later, but in any case, you don’t need to blame yourself. In the relationship between an adult and a child, the responsibility always lies with the adult.
Golysheva Evgenia Andreevna, psychologist Moscow
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