masha vorslav
The book “The Important Years” (in the original “The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter”) by clinical psychologist Mag Jay, the author of the famous lecture “Why 30 is not the new 20”, was published in Russia. We’ll tell you why it’s best to read it at 20, and especially if you want to kick it up to 30, it’s clear what, and everything that is most important and important in life seems to materialize by itself in your forties.
Meg Jay is a PhD and psychologist specializing in the development of young people in several age groups, mostly in their 20s and 30s. Her work "Important Years" is dedicated to twenty years; Jay, according to her, is one of the few who began to talk not about youth, but with her - and for this she deserves sincere gratitude.
"Important Years" covers several areas of life: career, love, perception of the body and time - at least this is how the text is rubricated. In fact, most of the talk is about work. It is clear why the division into chapters “career” and “time” was necessary, but they can be combined under one heading without loss of meaning - the part about the perception of time is disclosed in such a way that it would have been integrated into the narrative about work without rough edges. Much attention is paid to love and personal life and quite a drop - to health, or rather to one of its aspects - fertility.
Jay starts with a chapter on work - this approach appeals. But either she cites completely careless heroes as an example, or the reader understands a little more about a career than she expected from herself, this part makes you sad - when you experienced panic attacks a year ago, afraid that you would waste your data and life in vain, read about careless 28-year-olds doing a little less than nothing to achieve their vague plans is boring.
Feel insecure
and it is necessary to make mistakes
for personal development
The part about personal relationships comes in more cheerfully - however, it is quite likely because for a particular reader things are not going as smoothly with them as with work. The psychologist pays attention not so much to romantic as to important connections in principle (after some dialogues about the family, a lump in the throat almost gropes). For example, Jay notes and confirms with more than one study and article the importance of strong social ties - regardless of whether they develop further or not, they help young man find solid ground and not feel like a "leaf in the wind."
The last metaphor is from the final part of the book; it seems to most accurately characterize the condition of those 20-year-olds who are just shedding baby fluff and growing real feathers. When you are 20+, Jay says and shows by examples, it is completely natural to feel anxiety, self-doubt, make big and small mistakes at work and in life - this is necessary for personal development and, which is especially pacifying, such a need is confirmed. Jay explores very a large number of situations where young people can get stuck, and helps them to rethink and overcome. I won’t rob a potential reader, but I’ll throw a bait: if you ever thought that you were zero and didn’t know what to do with your life, if you happened to deny your own achievements and get into incomprehensible or even shameful relationships, you should open Goodreads or Bookmate, pay for a subscription and download this short, useful book.
Perhaps for those who have good older comrades (friends or family), the book will not tell as much as it annotates, but, unfortunately, at 20, few people have competent advisers, as well as the courage and calmness to turn to them. Important Years is better read than skipped anyway; their ingenuous language does its job - namely, it asserts in the thought that for happiness you need to work hard (Csikszentmihalyi, hello), feel where it hurts more, and go against the wind - and at the same time take care of yourself, and not get away. There is no one more important than yourself yet - perhaps with the presence of children this scheme changes, but while they are gone, you are the most important person for yourself, and about this - and the eternal pistol at the temple, which helps to separate sand from pearls and do faster, higher, stronger - must always be remembered.
“Yes” is the word that will get you your first job, your next job, get married and have kids. And even if it causes anxiety, forces you to step out of your comfort zone - by saying yes, you will do something new, meet new people and change your life for the better. Eric Schmidt, Chairman of the Board of Directors of Google
Read .
“When we make a choice, we condemn ourselves to hard work, the possibility of failure and disappointment, so sometimes it’s easier to know nothing, choose nothing and do nothing.”
JOB
“Most young people in their twenties are smart enough not to compare their lives with what they see on celebrity microblogs. However, they still perceive images and Facebook posts as something real.
They don't understand that most people just hide their problems. Such self-deception makes users social networks constantly compare their social status with some higher standards. Eventually their not-so-perfect life looks like a failure against the backdrop of the wonderful life that the rest of them supposedly live. All this does not contribute to strengthening the self-esteem of such young people, ”
“He had a quality that is considered a typical sign of youth - the fear of doing what someone else has already done ... You can’t build a career on what you don’t want”
On young people saying "I have to": "Sometimes this tyranny of duty makes us act against our own interests."
“If we just wanted to be happy, it would be easy to achieve; but we want to be happier than other people, and this is almost impossible, because it always seems to us that others are happier than us.Charles de Montesquieu, writer and philosopher
"Weak ties are contacts with those people who will help you improve your life right now (and will do it again and again in the coming years), if you only take the liberty to figure out what you really want."
“Helping others is one of the essential elements of maturity”
“We believe that by avoiding decision making in currently we leave the possibilities open, but not making a choice is also a choice.”
LOVE
"Experts and parents are concerned that the institution of marriage is losing its appeal, courtship is a thing of the past, and casual relationships have become a new way to build relationships"
“The results of recent studies show that marriage after twenty does prevent divorce, but this only applies to the age up to twenty-five years. After twenty-five, predicting the likelihood of a divorce is almost unrealistic. This conclusion goes against the notion that it is better to marry as late as possible.”
“Although a long search does make it possible to find a more worthy partner, the number of unmarried men and unmarried women is declining over time”
“The words of the following client best describe this problem: In my twenties, dating someone was like playing musical chairs for me. Everyone was running around and having fun. But then I turned thirty, and I got the impression that the music ended and everyone rushed to take chairs. I didn't want to be the only one who didn't have enough space. Sometimes it seems to me that I married my husband only because he was the closest chair to me when I turned thirty. Sometimes I think that I should just wait for someone who would be the best life partner. Perhaps I really needed to do it, but I was afraid to take risks. What I really regret is that I didn't think about marriage before - say, in my early twenties."
“Good relationships will not come out of nowhere when we are ready for it. It may take a few meaningful attempts to build them before we really understand what love and commitment are.”
“A lot can change around us, but we start and end our lives with family.” Anthony Brandt, writer
“Jennifer was in that category. She believed that her marriage would be more successful if she did not rush into marriage and first lived with her lover. However, such couples are actually less happy with their marriage; in addition, in their case, the likelihood of divorce is greater than that of couples who did not live together before marriage. Sociologists call this phenomenon the cohabitation effect.
“When researchers ask young people in their twenties why they chose to live together, women are more likely to say that they need access to love, while men talk about easier access to sex. Most often, two partners have different unspoken (even subconsciously) goals for living together. However, both men and women unanimously declare that their standards in relation to roommates are much lower than those of spouses.
“Quite right. This whole period seems to be in a fog. This uncertainty turned out to be the most unpleasant thing that happened in that life. I felt like I was going through years of never-ending auditions for the role of his wife. This made me feel very insecure. There were a lot of verbal games and disputes between us. I always doubted that he was faithful to me. To be honest, I still don't think so."
“One of them is not to live together with a partner. But since this is not entirely alistic proposal, experts recommend another way - to determine how serious the partner's intentions are before starting to live with him. In addition, it would be useful to foresee and regularly evaluate those restrictions that may prevent you from leaving, even if you want to.”
“There is a stereotype that only childhood memories are important for psychologists. Childhood is a really important period, but I'm more interested in what happened to my patients in high school and college. high school and the age of twenty to thirty years is the only period during which most of the events that form our personality take place. Numerous studies also show that the most important memories belong to this time.
“The power that unspoken personal stories have over us is that (as in the case of Cathy) they can silently spin in circles in our heads, but no one knows about them, sometimes even ourselves.”
“I told her about my concern that if she continued to date anyone, then after thirty she risked marrying the first comer.”
“Katie and I spent even more time making it possible for her to make the transition from the principle of “being desired” to the principle of “desiring”
"A happy marriage isn't about how compatible you are, it's about how you deal with your differences." Leo Tolstoy, writer
“There is an opinion that opposites attract. Perhaps this is true in relation to casual relationships. However, much more often the similarity between partners is the main element of their compatibility.
However, all lying on the surface common features character will not help us find our soul mate. They may set us up with someone, but there is no guarantee that they will make us happy.
Personal qualities are not what we have done or even what we are, but how we interact with the world around us, and everything we do depends on it.
One of the simplest and most studied personality models is referred to as the Big Five, or Five Factor Personality Model. The Big Five are five factors that determine how people interact with the outside world: openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, neuroticism.
MIND AND BODY
“You can only understand life by looking back, and you can live it only by looking forward.” Søren Kierkegaard, philosopher
The speed and efficiency of thinking is the main result of the two most important periods of brain development, obtained at the cost of titanic efforts.
Of course, after thirty the brain remains plastic, but it will never again offer us such a huge number of new neural connections. We will never be able to learn something new so quickly again. It will never again be so easy for us to become what we hope to become. Therefore, inaction during this period is very dangerous.
Young people in their twenties are especially hard to perceive such moments. Compared to older people, they remember negative information (bad news) more than positive information (good news). Magnetic resonance imaging studies show that the brains of twenties and thirties simply react more strongly to negative information than the brains of older people. In young people, the amygdala is actively working - the part of the brain responsible for emotions.
When young people in their twenties receive criticism of their competence, they experience anxiety and anger. They have a desire to act.
William James, one of the founders experimental psychology in the United States of America, said: "The art of being wise is the art of knowing what can be neglected."
If you suppress your feelings, the body and mind will always be in a state of stress, and this will lead to poor memory. Because of this, you will always be in a fog.
Research shows that people who are able to control their emotions tend to have higher life satisfaction, optimism, and purposefulness. In addition, they have better relationships with others.
In this way, she shifted all the work to the frontal lobe of her interlocutor. Sometimes such a need arises for each of us, but too often shifting our pain onto others, we will not learn to overcome difficulties on our own, to pull ourselves together when our brain is most ready to learn new skills. We will not learn to control ourselves, and this alone reduces our self-confidence
“Knowledge is not a skill. Skill is knowledge plus 10,000 repetitions." Shinichi Suzuki, music teacher
Self-confidence is not an innate quality, but a quality acquired with experience.
In order for professional activity to increase self-confidence, it must be difficult and interesting.
Clinical psychologists know that of all the stages life path the age of twenty to thirty years is the best for changing.
Trying to avoid adulthood will not make you feel better; this can only happen by investing in adulthood
The goals you set for yourself now determine who you will be in your thirties to forties and beyond.
Sustainable relationships reduce social anxiety and depression because they make us feel less alone and give us the opportunity to practice interpersonal skills.
The constant absence of a couple can have a detrimental effect on the lives of men, since those who lead a lonely lifestyle in their twenties, self-esteem drops significantly by the age of thirty.
One important point: caring for someone is one of their strongest qualities.
"To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and a lack of time." Leonard Bernstein, composer
However, twenties and thirties are especially prone to bias in favor of the present. Their brains are still in the process of forming forward thinking, which is necessary for anticipating the consequences and planning for the future. And when they nevertheless turn to close friends and older people with questions about life, they only slap them on the shoulder and utter routine phrases like: “Everything will work out. You still have plenty of time ahead of you."
THE FINAL
There is no formula for a good life, just as there is no right or wrong life. But there is a choice and its consequences, so it would be useful for twenty-year-old boys and girls to think about their future. This will make them feel better when that future arrives. If you pay enough attention to your life between the ages of twenty and thirty, wonderful days await you.
Read .
You can order this book at the lowest price directly from the publisher
Semyon Kibalo
Clinical psychologist and practice book Mag Jay " Important Years. Why you shouldn't put off life until later" reveals the theme of the crisis "quarters of life" and explains its importance for modern man.
Who is this book for?
According to the author, the book will be useful for everyone aged 14 to 30, as well as ... their parents. Many reviews on the Internet say that people who are closer to 30 years old and more regret that the book "Important Years" did not get to them at the age of 20.
This book is about a decade that determines the fate of man. Investments made during this period in your own development in all areas of life will bring the maximum return. Mag Jay explains why you shouldn't put off the start of adulthood until later, and tells you what to do during this time in a person's life.
What is the use of the book "Important Years"?
The book contains all the necessary tools for maximum effective use the most important 10 years of your life. The author shares what psychologists, sociologists, neurologists, economists and top managers involved in personnel policy know about the critical importance of this period.
What you do and don't do between your twenties and thirties can have a huge impact on your career. personal growth, brain development, your relationships and on building business and personal connections. This is a smart and constructive book. about years not to be wasted.
You should know it!
80% most important events takes place in our lives between our twenties and thirties. The paradox is that what happens to us in our twenties does not seem so important to us.
Research results suggest that if a person over just 9 months in a row engaged in a job that does not correspond to his qualifications, he may have more high level depression than even his peers who have no work at all.
About weak ties
Weak Ties- these are former employers, acquaintances and other people who have not become our close friends. They give us access to something new. They have experience that we don't. They know people we don't know.
Information and opportunities are transmitted over weak links.
Weak ties can be an excellent source useful ideas and allow you to become a more organized person. Do not be afraid to make weak acquaintances and ask for help from more experienced elders when needed. Just don't overdo it, otherwise your weak ties will turn into zero due to your overactivity.
First status in society - then love?
Most of today's 20-year-olds want to build a career first, and only then think about their personal life, family and - oh horror! - children. But the author of the book Important Years has the opposite position:
In itself, postponing marriage for later does not guarantee the strength of the union!
“Every time someone on Facebook changes their status to “engaged”, “married” or “married”, I start to panic. I believe that Facebook was invented to make lonely people regret that their life did not work out.
Essay on the book “Important years. Why You Shouldn't Postpone Life, Mag Jay
important years. Why You Shouldn't Postpone Your Life
THE DEFINING
Why Your Twenties Matter and how to Make the Most of Them Now
Published with permission from Meg Jay, c/o JANKLOW & NESBIT ASSOCIATES
Copyright © 2012 Meg Jay
© Translation into Russian, edition in Russian, design. LLC "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber", 2014
All rights reserved. No part of the electronic version of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, including posting on the Internet and corporate networks, for private and public use, without the written permission of the copyright owner.
Legal support for the publishing house is provided by Vegas Lex law firm.
© Electronic version of the book prepared by Litres (www.litres.ru)
This book is well complemented by:
Ken Robinson
Ken Robinson and Lou Aronica
Kelly McGonigal
M. J. Ryan
Brian Tracy
Les Hewitt
Les Hewitt, Andrew Hewitt and Luc d'Abadie
About the millennium
The Important Years is for those in their twenties. However, parents believe that this book is for them. Colleagues believe that I wrote it for psychotherapists and teachers. When twenty-year-old boys and girls ask me: “Who is this book for?” - they sincerely rejoice when they hear in response: “For you!”.
Many are struck by the fact that instead of talking O those who are over twenty, I prefer to communicate With them. Enough already of all these adults who only do what they discuss with the youth! People in their twenties are also adults, and they have earned the right to take part in the discussion own life. Perhaps, under the influence of popular culture, we consider twenty-year-old boys and girls to be too cocky, ignorant, lazy or jaded to take part in such discussions - but in fact this is far from the case. In his private practice, and in college and graduate school, I have met many young people in their twenties who are in dire need of meaningful, sincere communication. In the book "Important Years" I use my experience scientific research and clinical practice in order to debunk such myths about the age of twenty to thirty years: thirty is the new twenty; we cannot choose our family; to do something later in life is to do it better. But the argument that young men and women over twenty lack the common sense to be interested in such information and understand that it can change their lives is perhaps the biggest misconception.
The generation of twenty-year-old boys and girls of the 21st century (the so-called millennium generation) is not like the post-war generation, whose representatives were very young when they created families and made a career. Those who are now in their twenties have the most unstable jobs, and in the evenings they come home, meeting there not loving relatives, but roommates from whom you can expect anything. The millennial generation is also different from generation X - young people who do not strive to get everything at once. From their Generation X siblings and colleagues, they know what it can be like to put off important life tasks until the age of thirty or forty. They see the stress many Gen Xers are under and want to find an alternative.
The pendulum has swung from “I settled too early” to “I started too late,” and millennials are trying to find the right path. However, all those high expectations on which this generation was brought up collided with the realities of the global economic crisis, because of which the very “correct path” turned out to be even more distant than ever before. However, instead of complaining about what the economy (or their parents) has done to them, young millennials are ready to move on and wait for someone to ask them, “What are you going to do with all this?”.
The Important Years was published in April 2012, so its largest and most appreciative audience is those who celebrated their 20th birthday at the turn of the millennium. I have received many touching letters from parents saying, "The only gift I would like to receive for Mother's Day this year is for my twenty-year-old son to read your book." People in their early thirties, on the other hand, write, "I wish there was this book when I was twenty." But the most numerous and emotional messages I receive are from young men and women in their twenties by mail, Facebook and Twitter, all of whom say how much it means to them that someone has reached out to them directly. But here's the question: Why hasn't anyone spoken to these young people before?
Perhaps the modern culture is to blame for this, preaching a condescending attitude towards young people, in which they are perceived more as descendants of baby boomers, and not as a new generation. But it's also because I got to see a side of twentysomething life that other people don't see.
My first psychotherapy session with a twenty-year-old client was in 1999, after which for ten years I mostly listened to the representatives of the millennial generation behind closed doors - every day, from morning to evening. Perhaps today's youth share the details of their personal lives with someone, but on their blogs, on Facebook and on Twitter, they are much less frank than in my office. That is why I know about those who are over twenty, what others do not know about them. Moreover, I even know what they do not know about themselves.
Paradoxically, young people born at the turn of the millennium experience a sense of relief and even inspiration when they dare to discuss with someone those qualities and problems that they are afraid to talk about. I am convinced that my clients (and the readers of this book) are not intimidated by difficult questions; they are rather afraid that no one does not set. When young people in their twenties hear what I say to them, the most common reaction is not "I can't believe you're saying this" but "Why hasn't anyone told me about this before?"
Well, my dear readers, in this book you will find what you were looking for.
Age between twenty and thirty is extremely important. Eighty percent of fateful events occur in a person's life before the age of thirty-five. Two-thirds of income growth occurs in the first ten years of a career. By the age of thirty, more than half of people are married, dating or living with future life partners. The personality of a person changes most actively from twenty to thirty years, and not before or after this age. By the age of thirty, the human brain completes its development. The reproductive function of a woman reaches its peak at the age of twenty-eight.
Young millennials, as well as parents, leaders, teachers, and anyone interested in the subject, this book is for you.
Foreword
Defining decade
Publisher:
"Mann, Ivanov and Ferber", 2014
To find a good job
At some point, most twenty-thirty-year-olds (like myself at one time) remain unemployed. As a result, they either find an occupation that does not meet the qualifications, or work part-time. Sometimes this becomes a temporary solution to the problem: it allows us to pay bills while, for example, we are preparing to pass a test for admission to a master's program in management, or we are studying in it. However, work that does not correspond to the level of qualification is not always a means to an end. Sometimes it's just a way of doing nothing - as in the case of operating a ski lift or participating in the activities of musical groups that one top manager I know called "eternal bands."
If, after receiving a university degree, a person has too many incomprehensible entries in the retail trade or in a cafe on his resume, this suggests that he is degraded. This kind of activity can negatively affect not only the resume, but also the whole life. Studies show that if a person is employed for only nine months in a job that does not correspond to his qualifications, he may have a higher level of depression and more low level motivation than peers - even those who do not have a job.
Economists and sociologists agree that working between the ages of twenty and thirty has an extremely strong influence for career advancement in the long term. About two-thirds of wage increases occur in the first ten years professional activity. No matter how well this period passes, those who began to make a career quite late will not be able to catch up with those who began to move up the career ladder earlier. As a result, many people in their thirties and forties have the feeling that they paid too high a price for the odd job they took on in their early twenties.
Get out of the party
Young people of twenty or thirty years old limit their social circle only to like-minded peers. Some maintain constant contact with the same people. Our friends can come to the rescue when we are sick, but it is those with whom we barely know who are able to quickly and radically change our lives for the better.
Ten years before the advent of Facebook, Stanford University sociologist Mark Granovetter conducted the first and most famous study of social networks. Granovetter conducted a survey among suburban Boston residents who had recently changed jobs and concluded that it was not close friends and family members who were most valuable in terms of finding work, although, presumably, they should have been the most significant help in this. On the contrary, in three-quarters of the cases, a new job was found thanks to information received from people with whom the survey participants saw rarely or from time to time.
When I advise young people in their twenties to use the power of weak ties, I often encounter strong resistance from them. “I don't like to make useful contacts”, “I want to find a job myself” or “this is not my style” - this is their typical reaction. I take this point of view, but still, when we are looking for new job, or the second half, or opportunities of a different kind, it is people with whom we barely know who are able to radically change the situation for the better. Everything new almost always comes from outside our inner circle.
When you ask people with whom you have a loose connection to give you recommendations, make suggestions, introduce you to someone, or have a well-designed informational interview, I recommend taking the same approach: arouse interest in yourself. Demonstrate your suitability. Spend the necessary preparatory work in order to know exactly what you need or what you are striving for. And then politely ask for it. Some of the people you ask will say no. However, many will agree to do it.
Stop equaling on Facebook
You would be very surprised to know how many hours a week I listen to talk about the Facebook network. Many of my clients believe that their lives, as they present them on Facebook, are evaluated and discussed by someone every day. They grudgingly admit that they spend a lot of time online, posting photos and comments, looking at them over and over again, trying to see their Facebook pages the way others see them. They think they are the only ones doing this. But in fact, they are not alone in this.
For many, Facebook is not so much a tool for finding friends as the ability to track information about them. According to research, Facebook users, on average, spend more time browsing other users' pages than creating their own content. The most active participants in social networks (most often these are girls who post photos and videos, as well as monitor status updates) use them for social surveillance. These amateur social investigators don't so much make or maintain contact with friends as they observe someone's life. Being on Facebook turns into a fight for popularity, when getting a "like" is all that matters, being the best is the only worthy option, and appearance partners are more important than their actions. As a result, the social network becomes another habitat, but not for life, but for creating the appearance of life.
Most young people in their twenties are smart enough not to compare their lives with the lives of celebrities on their microblogs. However, they perceive images and Facebook posts as something real. They do not understand that most people just hide their problems. This kind of self-deception leads social media users to constantly compare their social status to some higher standard. As a result, their not-so-perfect life looks like a failure against the background of someone else's, supposedly wonderful.
Start a serious relationship
Many of my clients in their twenties either don't take love relationships seriously or feel they shouldn't. But about thirty years old, they suddenly, quite unexpectedly, have an urgent need for marriage.
It is well established that marriage between young people who have not reached the age of majority is the most unstable. Many have become convinced of the validity of the principle “the later the better”, but scientists come to slightly different conclusions. Recent research shows that marriage after 20 does prevent divorce, but only before age 25. After twenty-five, predicting the likelihood of a divorce is almost unrealistic.
Between the ages of twenty and thirty, you can’t be content with little and waste your younger years in meaningless relationships that are unlikely to be successful. As with work, a good relationship will not appear out of nowhere when we need it. It will take several meaningful attempts to build them before you truly understand what love and commitment are.
Change the way you think
By the age of twenty, the human brain reaches full size, but it still undergoes the process of forming neural connections. Just as young children learn to speak English, French, Catalan or Chinese(depending on the environment in which the child grows up), between twenty and thirty years we are especially sensitive to everything that is within earshot.
The work we do at a young age teaches us to manage emotions and overcome difficulties. social interaction that make up adult life. Work and study enable young people to master the complex technical skills required in many areas of activity. The bonds that form in our twenties and thirties prepare us for marriage and other relationships. The plans that we build during this period help us think for years and decades ahead.
Of course, the brain remains plastic after thirty, but it will never again offer such a huge number of new neural connections. We will never be able to learn new things so quickly again. It will no longer be so easy for us to become who we hope to be. Therefore, inaction during this period is very dangerous. If you do not use your consciousness correctly at this time, you can subsequently be unsuccessful professionally and personally. It will turn out that you simply miss the opportunity to live the rest of the years with dignity. It is very easy to give in and let uncertainty take over, to hide somewhere in the city crowd or in the parents' house and wait until our brain matures on its own and we somehow get the right answers to all those questions that life puts before us. . Trying to avoid adulthood will not make you feel better - it can only come about by investing in adulthood.
The book was provided by the Mann, Ivanov and Ferber publishing house.
