To whom could our parents brag about a new carpet or crystal sparkling in a foreign wall? Unless a neighbor who came for salt or rare guests who gathered to celebrate May Day or New Year. At the same time, neighbors' “likes” were not obvious: guests rarely openly envied, admired or rejoiced at the signs of someone else's well-being. And a lot of people want it...
Times have changed, and with them the signs of well-being. Carpets and crystal were replaced by expensive cars, restaurants, renovations, trips to Paris. Everything was captured in photographs, but for some reason their guests did not want to look too much either.
With the advent social networks it became obvious that it is important for us that others see how well we live. We want to get a clear, measured in the number of “likes” response to a beautiful, and sometimes deliberately embellished picture of our consumer existence. She, this picture, now consists of photographs of exotic travels, images of small portions of exceptionally healthy meals or selfies of perfect, properly exercised bodies.
Only the laziest or most intelligent Internet users did not go through people hungry for recognition and attention. They condescendingly diagnose selfie lovers, make fun of test fans, condemn women admiring their children, dogs and cats. They, as if not waiting for recognition, are tired of chic bouquets of roses on the eve of March 8, photos of beautiful sunsets and satisfied tanned faces against the backdrop of European sights. They are a little more condescending to the texts, although even here they can slap a malicious comment.
“All these social networks are a complete vanity fair,” they say. Well, it is. The thirst for recognition and the desire to demonstrate success have been at all times - which means that this is a necessary experience for most people. To embellish your life means to be able to dream, to want more. Yes, the deliberate display of "wealth" may seem pathetic to some. Most adult, mature people are able to separate "who I am" from "what I have." They realize that not every presentation of themselves will be met with excitement and interest. And at the same time, they are still ready to make public some part of their lives.
When people talk about new experiences for them, it inspires me, makes me think that I could try something new.
Remember when we were kids we weren't allowed to show off at all? However, it was not always explained why. Envy? Will they get angry? Doubt your talents? Will they consider him a talker, a liar, a fanfare?
But it's one thing to brag about an older brother that you didn't raise big, handsome and strong, or a smartphone, a bike, a set-top box that you didn't buy. Another - if you really achieved something, visited somewhere, discovered something for yourself, could, achieved, won. Why should we be silent about this? Does modesty really provide so many benefits? Or in that case no one will ever know about us?
It would probably be too immodest and arrogant of me to say who, when and under what circumstances should boast, and when - to remain silent. Therefore, I will only talk about my preferences. Personally, I like it if others:
1. They share their joy: a child was born, they went on a trip, they managed to cope with the disease, they won the competition, they entered the institute, they got a new hairstyle, they lost weight, they celebrated an anniversary. I am pleased to know this and share their joy with others.
2. They talk about a new experience for them: they conquered the summit, participate in the filming of a program, visited an exotic country, finished a picture, danced tango, captured something unusual. Personally, it inspires me, makes me think that I could try something new. It helps me to want, dream, plan, and sometimes even write to these people, find out the details.
3. Overcame themselves. When a person is naturally good-looking, his selfies can be quite pleasing from an aesthetic point of view, but personally they don’t emotionally touch me, they don’t hurt me. He was born beautiful, he was lucky - the best part of the parental genotype was transmitted. But photographs or stories of people who were able to change or change their lives are interesting. Causes respect, motivates, gives hope.
4. They brag, no matter what, but they do it with humor, self-irony, fun, directly and frankly admiring themselves. It's fun, interesting, adds lightness to life, drive and gives out a whole bunch of rights to admire yourself too.
We say to another with our “like”: “I see you”, “I like it”, “I share this joy with you”, “you are doing well”, “I want the same”
Many of us find it difficult to acknowledge and “own” our success, especially if significant people never told us: it's great, I'm so happy for you and proud of you. Social networks allow you to share your success with others, and those who know how to rejoice in other people's success will definitely respond to posts about your victories.
But what about tasteless posts and photos of hysterical and narcissistic people, you will probably ask. If you think that such publications "clog" social networks, just remove them from your friend feed. Or - study as a class, this is also quite interesting. But do not forget that such people feed your vanity: “God, what vulgarity! We are not at all like that, we have an exceptional taste and a subtle sense of beauty. We would never post such vulgarity!”
They, "incorrectly" demonstrating their lives, also want "likes". Moreover, they will receive them, although, perhaps, not from you, but from those who share the essence of what is published and the form of submission.
Of course, in any process, a measure is needed, taste and relevance (balance of form, content, time, place) will not interfere. But the main thing is not to replace one with another: the desire to compensate for one's own emptiness with a bright external "facade", whatever it may be.
Sad if showing happy life becomes meaning, the only attempt to convince oneself that life should be stuffed exclusively with milk chocolate and praline, and if it is not like that, then something is wrong with the living. It's sad if it seems to those who like to show off that everyone will believe in their "fairy tale" in the same way as they want to believe themselves.
Many guess or know for sure that life consists of blood, sweat, tears, disappointments, victories, delights and other very different conditions and events. And is it true that we are ready to read all the time about other people's "sweat" and "tears"? Isn't there too much of all this in our history. After all, no matter how difficult life is, at all times you want to brag at least a little.
It seems to me that when we have more opportunities to receive recognition and support from the people we have chosen or give a piece of our attention to another, say “like” to him: “I notice you”, “I like”, “I share your joy with you”, “I want the same” - many of us have become more fulfilled, satisfied with ourselves and life. Thus, there is more joy, belonging and friendliness. There are so many troubles and bad news in the world.
Kovalenko Andrey
This year has been important for me. I quit a great job at NBC to go back to Chicago. Started dating his angel Jamie Holland. Started doing yoga (thanks to Jake Fisher and Jonah Pearlstein!). Wrote an album with Matthew Johansson. Wrote another album that I'm proud of. Hung out with Owen Wilson and worked on amazing project with Will Ferrell. Talked to David Gregory about Barack Obama. Danced. Joined the kickball team. Won several awards...
It is so easy to mislead those who were aware of my dream. First of all, yourself.
And this is not even half of the Facebook post that was sent by mail to American blogger Tim Urban by his girlfriend. According to Tim, the evening was hopelessly ruined. He re-read it several times before realizing the reason for his irritation: the most repulsive statuses on social networks are dedicated to the author himself and do not bring anything joyful to those who read it.
.jpg)
That is, to put it simply, no one likes boasting. It can awaken dormant complexes and destroy any relationship. I have come across bouncers many times, but for some reason I never once asked myself: why are they doing this? What does this kind of communication bring to people's lives? I was indifferent to the nature of boasting until I came across this article by Urban. Something about the post he was quoting kept haunting me until I found out exactly what it reminded me of. My own statuses in social networks had the same rainbow-sweet aftertaste, and every word had to confirm the colorfulness of my life and the complete absence of gray everyday life in it. By the way, I wrote something similar not so long ago just on the day of the outgoing year. Then my status collected more than fifty likes, and it didn’t even occur to me to think that my thoughts could give someone unpleasant sensations or even cause anger in my address. Quite the contrary - I was sure that my friends were sincerely happy for me, for my dreams come true and goals achieved. Urban's article forced me to look at my behavior in a completely different light. And I liked this light less and less every minute.
Looking at my social media posts over the past few years in a new way, I found that they all seemed to be screaming, “Look what an amazing life I have!” - mixed with travel photos, selfies with the beloved man, Moschino dresses, jewelry and the invariable attribute of the "happiest woman in the world" - chic bouquets in hatboxes and without them.
EXPERT ADVICE: "Boasting that causes a desire to imitate, improve, change for the better is the most socially acceptable." Oksana Rustamova, Deputy General Director of the consulting company Intellectual Capital
Before, I didn’t even realize that my thoughts about myself, my hasty enthusiastic posts after a wonderful holiday, could drive someone crazy. I was sure that my tender relationship with a man, whom I sometimes confessed my feelings to and thanked for his incredible care, would push people to improve their own relationships, teach patience and the ability to appreciate love. This is probably why I counted at least a hundred photos with my beloved. Each is an example of an idyll. I knew for sure that my friends shared my joy of trips to the islands, niche fragrances, new Prada shoes and a beautiful ring that I received during my engagement. After all, real friends are obliged - as they say, both in sorrow and in joy. Especially in joy. However, Google, to which I went for help, cooled my ardor. Scientists from world universities (London, Carnegie Mellon, Bocconi) advise against posting information about large purchases on social networks, because people may not understand you and decide that you are trying to brag.
Scientists ruthlessly state: a feeling of envy online cannot turn into a negative attitude in real life. Like me, advice was given to be more modest, to put yourself in the place of those people who read posts on social networks - in order to avoid hostility and discord in relations with acquaintances and friends.
So, I was too frivolous, selfish and boastful. But where does the desire to show off come from and why was it imperceptible to me myself? Arguments came across very different - even those that, in the spirit of Freud, explained my desires with sexual dissatisfaction or a deformed clitoris. Not so long ago, American scientists conducted an experiment on whether boasting brings people much joy. The results showed that we are very fond of showing off, and this process gives us more pleasure than a large amount in the bank account or sex. During the test, the participants had to tell any flattering stories about themselves. It is noteworthy that the data turned out to be the same - whether the person boasted during a live conversation or talked about himself on social networks.
Usually people like to brag about what worries them the most.
It turned out that at the moment of boasting human brain activates the mesolimbic tract responsible for the process of obtaining pleasure - for example, from delicious food, big money, taking drugs. The feeling of self-worth is also very pleasant to us. So much so that when the participants were offered a small amount of money in exchange for them to switch to discussing another person (say, the president), they all refused.
The forums argued that the root of evil lies in the indifference of the bouncer to the feelings of others, in unstable self-esteem, arrogance, and even the desire to humiliate the interlocutor. Pierre Boiste, author of the universal dictionary of the French language, and my grandmother are no less ruthless in stating that braggarts are people of dubious moral character. The first argued: “Boasting means, without any courtesy, saying to others: I am better than you.” Grandmother echoes him: "Boast - do not mow: your back does not hurt."
.jpg)
I really never complained about back pain from boasting, but this does not explain the nature of the strange desire to tell about my life in all colors. In search of sources, I came across an article by a famous American psychologist and bestselling author Daniel Gilbert, professor of psychology at Harvard. He substantiates boasting with a demonstrative type of temperament. Gilbert calls such people hysterics and believes that their main quality is the desire to constantly be in the spotlight by any means. Quite often they choose to show off. And it does not matter that they receive extremely negative attention. It is more important for them that they get it at all.
Selfie characteristic example bragging about one's own appearance. And thanks to selfie (Relationship selfie - a photo with a loved one) you can boast of a happy relationship
My German friend, coordinator of international projects, thinks like this: “People probably brag, because everyone wants to feel that they are needed by someone. Some get it among friends, in the family, and some don't get it, that's why they brag." However, such theories do not answer why people are so eager to prove that their choice of a life partner is the most correct, their career is the most successful, and their home is invariably located in the very the best place. What is the reason that women and men continue to praise their unloved place of work to their friends? Why do some prefer to be modestly silent about their successes and achievements, while others so need to shout about it to the whole world?
Why, after I failed to move to another country, I began to look everywhere for confirmation that it was probably for the best? And the most amazing thing is to find. Indeed, it is much easier to believe that I did the right thing than to say to myself: “Yes, I am really terribly upset that I did not find the strength in myself to reach the goal.” Therefore, now I diligently prove to others that I am satisfied and happy. And my new place of residence - the best of that confirmation. I live near the sea, I have a wonderful husband, I do what I love - perhaps it looks perfect from the outside. And as proof, I will post juicy photos on a velvet beach with a perfect tan or jogging in a green park. It is so easy to mislead those who were aware of my dream. First of all, yourself. How many unfulfilled desires and fading hopes are hidden under a praise of their choice!
These and similar actions are based on fear. It can be a fear of many obstacles on the way to the goal - for example, to become not just an artist who paints pictures for the love of art, but a great artist of her time. It may be the fear of losing everything by starting your own business. Or the fear of admitting to yourself that your relationship has become so insipid that it doesn’t even cause negative emotions. Or that a hateful job is the most boring job in the world. The fear of changing something in your life—whether it's a move, a new relationship to replace a dead one, or a lack of confidence in your own talent—leads to a flood of boasting. Usually people like to brag about what worries them the most.
The most frightened like to brag that they have worked in the same place for ten whole years. Thus, they tactfully hint about their professionalism and reliability. The more a person seeks to fill the space around him with talk about his life, the more I understand that the only thing he wants is to become more significant. Tell others and at the same time convince yourself that he was very lucky. It turns out that for many it is quite enough to live by disseminating information - true or not. Their self-confidence, their happiness is not based on their own emotions, but only on the reaction of others. Only on condition feedback harmony sets in in their souls - however, not for long. So the whole life of such people turns into an endless race for reasons, fictional or real.
One of the greats said that happiness is the complete absence of the desire to prove anything to anyone. Listen to yourself: maybe you wanted not a new gadget worth five salaries or a designer bag to brag to your colleagues, but more than anything else - to live in Bali?
EXPERT ADVICE: "When you talk about yourself and your merits, feel free to make fun of yourself - recommends Vitaly Graboev, presentation consultant. - You need to show not only the front side of success. This technique is constantly used by stand-up comedians. Learn from them. The category of achievements is relative, and all good things are perceived as such only in contrast to mistakes.
Boasting is always a lie. First of all, because you are trying to be at least briefly in the glory, or at least look better than you really are. Of course, there are safer types of bragging, such as when grandmas show pictures of their grandchildren or my mom tells friends that I write articles for ELLE. It can also include constructive boasting to increase salaries, get the desired position. But it's not about them.
Boasting can be used as manipulation. With its help, it is quite easy to provoke envy, irritation. In this case, the bouncer acts according to the principle: show people your happiness - and you will poison their lives. For example, my friend Olya set a goal to take revenge on her ex. To do this, she needed to properly embellish her life. First of all, new relationships. Olya threw herself into the arms of men, captured hot kisses on selfies, which she immediately posted on social networks with life-affirming captions: "I think I'm in love" or "A new magical life." A couple of days later, the former sent a courier with a bouquet to her work. This was another reason to collect likes under the photo with flowers. It seems that he even returned and they stayed together for a few more months. And then he disappeared again. If there is no love, you can play on jealousy and a sense of ownership, but the desired effect will quickly end.
.jpg)
Next to great people, everyone feels at least a little great. Bouncers, on the contrary, are sorry to share attention, admiring and envious glances. The goal of the braggart is to prove that the great one is here alone. However, deep down he doesn't think so. It is most difficult to deceive yourself, and rarely anyone succeeds. However, if it succeeds, people go crazy with megalomania.
I would be very happy (and I promise I wouldn’t brag about it to anyone) if I could suddenly find out that after reading my article, someone breathed a sigh of relief and thought: “Are there really so many idiots in the world who don’t allow themselves to fully live, but just live their lives? Probably, first of all, you need to prove to yourself: I can, I am worthy, I dream of a better life. It's great that I once took a chance! My friend Anya answered my question about the nature of human boasting in a brilliantly simple way: “This is when you do not feel satisfaction and confidence from what you know yourself, so it is so important for you to cause and receive delight from the outside. Self-sufficient people don't brag. They walk around in worn-out sneakers and it doesn’t matter to them what brand of car they have, they don’t care about the recognition of others. ”
We always have a choice: to build something from ourselves or to represent something from ourselves. It is best if you start building something when you already have at least something in mind. But even in this case, boasting is not The best way talk about yourself.
With the advent of all sorts of Facebook, the opportunities to show the world your happiness and be "liked" have become simply limitless. You can brag about travels, weddings, flowers that your husband gave (the husband will see, he will be pleased, and let Lyuska envy). There were even "relations" (relationship selfie - a photo with a loved one) and selfies after a night of love (aftersex). Trend setters are stars like the hot Kim Kardashian. But their "selfies" are interesting to fans, and if ordinary Vasya and Katya regularly post their kisses on the Web, they will be unfriended and announced to them by a public dislike.
Was it a boy?
There are women who demonstrate non-existent relationships. They create a veil of demand around themselves. Either a bouquet of flowers will be posted on the social network with a mysterious caption "love" or "thank you", then suddenly two glasses of champagne will be shown on the bedside table, and also such a vague "we ..."
Do they really think that this is how they will attract men? - my friend Oleg is surprised. - Why should I seek a woman who is already given flowers by someone and who is already drinking champagne with someone? I, on the contrary, need a signal "free cash register"!
My love needs likes
American psychologists and sociologists from Albright College in Reading conducted a large-scale study. Interviewed couples who live together from one month to 30 years. Loving hearts told scientists how often they post their joint selfies on the Web, how many likes they collect on shared videos. And then the participants were tested.
And here are the two conclusions made by wise psychologists.
That's what scientists say. And we, simple NOT psychologists, believe that sometimes a demonstration of ardor is terribly infuriating.
See how we can
At the institute, I was friends with Nastya. She liked to call for a visit or in a cafe "for a chat." But everywhere I went, there was her cute Theme. I sat and watched them whispering nonsense in their ears, intertwining their legs under the table ... When they switched to hardcore and began to explore each other's larynx, I ran away. And Nastya was then offended that I left her (it turns out she noticed me there!). They "intertwined" at lectures, and in the subway, and at general gatherings.
Students are hormonal and hot people, it can be difficult to curb feelings. But where are the adults?
I once had a cavalier demonstrator. Alone with me, he was calm and reserved. But as soon as the audience appeared, he turned into a frenzied macho - he hugged, kissed, told everyone how he loves, how happy we are, how he is waiting for the night, how he wants to wake up next to him all his life, etc. We returned home - again restrained and calm, as if he doesn’t really want to wake up with me all his life.
These passions for show are needed to get the approval of everyone around, to feel successful in a relationship, - explains psychologist Daria Loginova. - He played in public and believed himself.
Boasted - refreshed
There are, however, in such shows and benefits for relationships. If people have been married for a long time, passions are already fading away. Showing shared photos (look how cute we are), our adventures (look, we are having fun), gifts from each other (look, he is generous and romantic) - all this can refresh happiness.
This self-indulgence works. It’s a pity that it doesn’t last long, - adds Daria Loginova. - If people have a conflict, then no selfies can hush up and destroy it.
Don't waste!
One of my friends is sure that you shouldn’t tell anyone about relationships at all. As long as you keep everything a secret, you enjoy your happiness without giving anyone a piece. But as soon as you start trumpeting at all corners, you will definitely ruin everything. Because, firstly, "true happiness is silent," and secondly, envious people are everywhere - they jinx, curse, and soil karma.
I would say that no envious person will spoil true happiness, because you can’t throw mud at the sun. But there is definitely another problem - public opinion is capable of launching a hedgehog under the skull of any girl with his advice and stupid conclusions. So the darling seemed to you the smartest and most beautiful, you introduced him to your friends, and suddenly one witch told you: "Your Innokenty is a good guy, and I don't give a damn that his eye twitches and his bald head breaks through." And that's it! He is no longer the best! Who is guilty? Public opinion.
Who does not quarrel with Masik, he ... is lying
If you constantly tell everyone and show how everything is magical with your sweetheart (here we woke up with a mask, here we have a wedding with a mask, here the mask bathed me in rose petals, and we never quarrel, because they don’t quarrel with our favorite masks !), you will be hated. Because people don't. Any masik sometimes becomes a reptile and makes you want to pick up a rolling pin, right?
I'm talking about the mask for a reason. I had such a friend. We gathered with the girls, discussed our husbands, sometimes complained about them, reassured each other and happily dispersed. And she, perfect, sat shaking her head: they say, how terrifying you all are, that’s my mask never ... And we didn’t believe her. And they were ready for her from our "sabbath" with a broom, a broom ... But one day she came in tears and honestly admitted that the masik was still a goat. And it's not that we rejoiced at her sadness, it just became much easier for her to live in a normal world, and not invented for the audience.
Wife for show
Why don't women flirt with me at all? - my friend Vasily asks me with longing in his eyes. And I must say that Vasily regularly shares photos with his beautiful wife.
You know, Vasya, - I tell him. - You would still wear a T-shirt with a portrait of his wife! If you want all sorts of flirting and flirtatious looks, stop trumpeting your family happiness. Girls, they are understanding. Look - there is a wife. We went to her Facebook page - and not just a wife, but a clever and beautiful woman. The choice is obvious. Why flirt with you, Vasya? Better to be friends with your beautiful wife. So it’s more fun, and karma will be more whole.
Boasting is a sign of insecurity. Rudeness is a sign of impotence. Hope for the benefit of their manifestation is a sign of stupidity.
Han Xiangzi
Since now, more than ever, the tendency to the disease-causing qualities of a person's personality has become more acute. After all, now, in the iron age of mass communications, people have new, more extensive opportunities to communicate with each other. Like any other changes, these carry both positive and negative character. If earlier man had quite limited opportunities in communication, now with the advent of appropriate technologies and the Internet, which connect almost all countries, people can communicate with each other from anywhere in the world without much effort. The emergence of social networks greatly exacerbated the competitive relationship between people, which most likely led to painfully pronounced boasting and other negative traits of a person’s character.
Let's start with the positive. To the best of boasting has a rather harmless character. A person tends to show his individuality in front of others, talking about his merits and achievements, expecting attention and approval from others in order to feel important and unique. There's nothing wrong with that, but seriously, it's okay when you're a kid; being an adult, holistic person, boasting at best can create a frivolous impression of someone who praises himself, and at worst, it can cause envy and hostility.
Boastful speeches are the first sign of weakness, and those who are capable of great things keep their mouths shut.
Mark Tullius Cicero
Boasting hurts almost every member modern society, but there are those who are more prone to this disease than others. At the same time, in reverse situations, when someone else is praised in front of such a person - who, in his opinion, is cooler than himself, this will cause a violent reaction in him in the form of envy, anger and irritation.
It is very useful to trace these reactions in yourself and in others, so that you can completely refuse or at least reduce this character trait. The main thing is to be honest with yourself.
So what exactly is boasting?
Boasting - synonymous with arrogance and arrogance, is also the opposite of confidence, self-sufficiency and integrity.
Bragging can be defined as a personality trait, which is an excessive exaggeration of one's merits, successes and other qualities. A boastful person deliberately flaunts some of his qualities in order to stand out from others, to gain approval. As mentioned earlier, it is characteristic of almost all people in childhood. Ozhegov in his dictionary defined boasting as "an immoderate praising of something of one's own, one's own merits."
There are many synonyms for the word "boast":
brag, brag, brag, brag, brag, boast, boast, magnify, conceit, bustle, brag, swagger, exhibit, expose oneself, shine with something, think a lot (highly) about oneself (dream, think), throw dust in the eyes, swagger, to put on airs, to show off, to exaggerate; brag, brag.
However, whatever you call it, the meaning does not change.
So why does a person boast?
For most people it is important to show themselves, to prove themselves. Almost everyone, no matter what they say, strives to prove to others (even if not in an explicit, directive style) that they are superior to them in some way, amuse their sense of self-importance. Everyone, one way or another, wants to be the best.
Some people buy expensive cars for this, others try to demonstrate their physical training, others join one or another subculture, showing that they are not like everyone else, they want others to think the same about them. However, no one wants to admit that excellence is important to them. Moreover, not the fact of superiority itself, but the recognition of this by others.
Why do people brag? Why is this not good and why not?
Probably everyone wants to feel "above" all this, all this fuss, pettiness. Whether it is a man, a woman or a child, no one wants to admit, first of all, to himself, that the main thing for them is to show themselves, to prove to others their toughness.
Everyone wants to think that they have higher goals and objectives, but not “boasting”. Everyone wants a sincere recognition of their merits, an assessment of what has been done, no one wants to think that he has begged for praise.
How to stop boasting? Is it possible?
Why is this happening? Indeed, it is closely related to natural selection and demonstrating one's strengths... Perhaps such a struggle between the "internal" desire to show oneself and the "external" denial of this (it's not good to brag) is connected with disbelief in one's own strengths.
- Everyone understands that achieve something specific much more important than promising to do so. After all, saying something good about yourself is quite easy - much easier than doing something important - after a demonstrative demonstration of yourself, you will have to prove everything that has been said in practice.
- Often, the more successful a person is in life (how to become one?), the less he needs to prove something to others, and, first of all, to himself. He has set a goal for himself (can you do it?), and he goes to it without being distracted by extraneous things.
- The more energy we spend specifically on achieving our goals, on solving the tasks set for ourselves, and not on demonstrating ourselves from all sides, the more we can achieve. If you spend all your time on the "peacock's tail", then where will the strength come from for the main thing, for what everyone really wants to strive for deep down.
The main thing is to understand what we are striving for. After all, the concept of success should not be associated with others! For our own goals, we are responsible, first of all, to ourselves - don't get distracted by those around you(in the bad sense of the word)!
